1st Assignment, my story. Ex-partner BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

New to this site and going through the lessons, so this is my first assignment, posting my story.

4 years ago I started dating a wonderful woman (I'll call her T). She was charming, caring, patient, smart, loving and beautiful. We had a great courtship filled with great memories of travel, family get togethers and laughter. We only really fought a couple of times in the first three years. Looking back knowing now, I do recognize some warning signs and red flags due to BPD, but I was in love and ignored them (more on that later).

In November of 2017, I proposed to T and we were madly in love, setting the marriage date of New Year's Eve, 2018.

Eight days after the wedding (1/8/2019), we moved into a house that we had purchased together. Things were still great for the next couple of months (aside from a few red flags that I can now see).

I'd say around March or so, things started getting intense. She started saying to me, "you treat me like a convenience". I would ask what that meant and I would get vague answers and answers that didn't make sense to me. I would explain that she means the world to me and by no means do I think of her as a convenience. I would make adjustments, trying to do the little things that she loved... Texts during the day that made her feel special. Acknowledging her space (she needed to relax after a long day at work). I'd do the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the pets so she didn't have to.

I experienced her first real huge bout of anger in May. One weekday night she was snoring really loud, so I slept in the other room. Around 2am, she came into the room, poked me, woke me up and stormed off into our room. I followed her and she exploded into a  violent rant about how she's not happy and tired of loving like this. She was packing her stuff saying she's taking her son and going to love with her daughter and that we're through. I was trying to explain to her that she was snoring and since I had to get up early in the morning for work, I needed sleep. She wouldn't accept this explanation and would continue to berate me. She finally calmed down after a couple of hours. I went to work exhausted and thinking, what the hell just happened?

Right around July of this year, things got worse. She would continue to accuse me of treating her like a convenience and saying that I don't listen to her. Arguments turned more intense and she'd yell louder and louder. My explanations weren't accepted and if get caught in a vortex of questions where there was no acceptable answer she'd accept. One Saturday, she was berating me again for over an hour. I'd be explaining that I did love her and I'm failing miserably in showing it. Every answer I'd give on what I'm doing was met with skepticism and disbelief. I felt like I was going crazy. Like I was talking to a wall. I got angry and hit myself as I was leaving the house. I was yelling, this is for me, I can't do or say anything right. You deserve the best and I can't seem to show you how I feel inside. I try, but nothing I do or say send to work. I felt so depleted of self-worth and self-esteem. Like I'm worthless. I loved this woman so much, but I was failing in my attempts in daily life to have her react in the way I felt about her. Meaning, I thought I was doing everything a husband should, but I want getting a reaction. Just blame and accused of not loving her or showing her enough love. "This ring is just a deposit" she'd say to me. Anyway, after I left after punching myself, I drove around the block to calm down. I came back inside and I cried and cried. We calmly hugged, she held me and put a bag of frozen peas on my eye. We discussed separating for the first time.

Things didn't improve after that. At the end of July I went across state to take my kids to spend time with my mom and sister. While I was there, I attended my high school reunion. She was berating me for days for wanting to go to it. "I would never go. I don't see anyone from high school that I don't see on Facebook". "What, you're going to go and brag to people you don't see how wonderful your life is?". Stuff like that. Anyway, I went. But, while I was away, she texted me asking what the password was for the WiFi so she could get her iPhone on it. I sent it back. That didn't work, so I called her to show her how to get in the network with her laptop to allow her iPhone to access it (she had me block her iPhone on the router two days prior, long story, not relevant right now). Anyway, she screams the F word at me and hangs up. Then she berates me via text calling me an a-hole over and over and accusing me of not listening to her. It went on and on. No matter what I texted back, she was just irate and hate was spewing at me. I never retaliated. I even texted the directions.

When I got home the next day, she wasn't wearing her wedding ring or the special necklace I bought for her that she always wore (in fact, she never wore either again). She continued to rage at me, accusing me of not wearing my wedding ring at the reunion and berating me for visiting a friend's house with her and her husband. I was telling her exactly the truth of what I did in Seattle, but she was accusing me of groping and kissing my friend (yeah, with her husband standing there I'd say). She raged on and on, yelling, screaming at me. She then stepped into me and hit me with both palms into the chest. I was shocked. I froze. Later, when she calmed down, I asked if we're up to hitting now. She tried to blow it off, but I mentioned that she didn't tolerate that from her ex-husband. She calmly said, "well, at that moment I wished you were dead". Whoa.

Things didn't improve. I kept getting blamed for not listening to her, treating her like a convenience. I would listen, try to make adjustments, but the berating continued. Even small things. One afternoon we needed to go talk to the neighbors. I asked if she wanted to go. She said, "I'm not leaving the house in these clothes". No problem, I went. Two hours later, I leashed the dogs up to take them for a walk. I didn't ask if she wanted to go. As I opened the door, she kept off the couch and barked, "you're such an ass". "You're an ass sometimes". No-win. If I would of asked her if she wanted to go, I would of gotten, "you don't listen to me, I just said I'm not leaving the house in these clothes".

On Friday, August 23rd, my daughter was taking her driving test. T was berating me for wanting to go and support her. Give her a hug before and after. You know, be a Dad. "What, sitting in the waiting room twiddling your thumbs, that's being supportive? You going to sure in the backseat and hold her hand? It's not like it's a major event, why are you going?". Anyway, on my way home from that, she called me and continued to berate and belittle me. I had enough and told her I'm done and we need to split. When she got home, she begged me not to leave. We cried for a long time and talked. I agreed. By this time, my self-esteem was really low. The berating, belittling, criticism was wearing me down. I had talked to her several times over the last several days that I felt like killing myself. I had it planned. My boat... Full throttle.

Two days later we had a great day on the lake. Long story short... We took two cars due to the amount of people, but when I got home (I had to drop my kids off), she didn't say, hey what a great day. My granddaughter had a great time tubing... Thanks hon. No, I get this as soon as I walk in the door... Another criticism. She asked why I was comfortable leaving contractors in the house alone, but yet I locked the door this morning leaving for the lake (we had workers in the house two days earlier, one of them a friend). I was expecting something like that, for I knew there was something I did that day she'd berate or criticise me for. I said I was sorry for locking the door, another thing I did wrong. I calmly walked the dogs, went to the beach and cried. I prayed, for I was so depleted, vacant, no confidence I wanted to kill myself. I went back to the house and gave her ring back and declared, "if I stay in this house any longer, I'm going to kill myself" and I left.

The next day I came back and we talked. She was hysterical in fear that I'd leave. Begging me to stay. Admitting she was pulling me in, pushing be away. That's exactly how I felt. She then told me in hysterics that she thought she had colon cancer. She thought she had it for months but was afraid to tell mMelissae. I left on a Wednesday to Arizona to spend time with my Dad and his wife. I needed to get away. I left knowing I was through, but came back willing to keep trying.

Two days after I came back (9/5), I saw my therapist for the first time in a year. I explained what was going on, I was suicidal, talked about the berating, belittling, criticism, no-win vortex of questions. After about 15 minutes, she pulled out the book, "stop walking on eggshells" and read me the questions on page 10. I answered every one of them yes. She said, T has Borderline Personality Disorder, or at least tendencies. I didn't really know what that meant for I've heard of it, but didn't know about the disorder. Anyway, I ordered the book and started crying after reading the first two paragraphs. My story matched the stories and conditions people that live with others that have BPD. I felt like I wasn't alone. Like it says on page 11, "you're not crazy, it's not your fault and you're not alone". I've been repeating that phrase over and over again.

I literally felt like I was going crazy, losing my mind and losing myself.

Anyway, I needed to vent. We're no longer together (but there's some legal stuff she's doing that I don't want to bore you with). So I'm not 100% done, but I never want to see her again. This is still fresh and I just need to get better. I have another therapy session this afternoon. I just need to heal and get back to myself again. I don't like the person I had become.

Thanks
M

[BrokenSpokane]

New to this site and going through the lessons, so this is my first assignment, posting my story.

4 years ago I started dating a wonderful woman (I'll call her T). She was charming, caring, patient, smart, loving and beautiful. We had a great courtship filled with great memories of travel, family get togethers and laughter. We only really fought a couple of times in the first three years. Looking back knowing now, I do recognize some warning signs and red flags due to BPD, but I was in love and ignored them (more on that later).

In November of 2017, I proposed to T and we were madly in love, setting the marriage date of New Year's Eve, 2018.

Eight days after the wedding (1/8/2019), we moved into a house that we had purchased together. Things were still great for the next couple of months (aside from a few red flags that I can now see).

I'd say around March or so, things started getting intense. She started saying to me, "you treat me like a convenience". I would ask what that meant and I would get vague answers and answers that didn't make sense to me. I would explain that she means the world to me and by no means do I think of her as a convenience. I would make adjustments, trying to do the little things that she loved... Texts during the day that made her feel special. Acknowledging her space (she needed to relax after a long day at work). I'd do the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the pets so she didn't have to.

I experienced her first real huge bout of anger in May. One weekday night she was snoring really loud, so I slept in the other room. Around 2am, she came into the room, poked me, woke me up and stormed off into our room. I followed her and she exploded into a  violent rant about how she's not happy and tired of loving like this. She was packing her stuff saying she's taking her son and going to love with her daughter and that we're through. I was trying to explain to her that she was snoring and since I had to get up early in the morning for work, I needed sleep. She wouldn't accept this explanation and would continue to berate me. She finally calmed down after a couple of hours. I went to work exhausted and thinking, what the hell just happened?

Right around July of this year, things got worse. She would continue to accuse me of treating her like a convenience and saying that I don't listen to her. Arguments turned more intense and she'd yell louder and louder. My explanations weren't accepted and if get caught in a vortex of questions where there was no acceptable answer she'd accept. One Saturday, she was berating me again for over an hour. I'd be explaining that I did love her and I'm failing miserably in showing it. Every answer I'd give on what I'm doing was met with skepticism and disbelief. I felt like I was going crazy. Like I was talking to a wall. I got angry and hit myself as I was leaving the house. I was yelling, this is for me, I can't do or say anything right. You deserve the best and I can't seem to show you how I feel inside. I try, but nothing I do or say send to work. I felt so depleted of self-worth and self-esteem. Like I'm worthless. I loved this woman so much, but I was failing in my attempts in daily life to have her react in the way I felt about her. Meaning, I thought I was doing everything a husband should, but I want getting a reaction. Just blame and accused of not loving her or showing her enough love. "This ring is just a deposit" she'd say to me. Anyway, after I left after punching myself, I drove around the block to calm down. I came back inside and I cried and cried. We calmly hugged, she held me and put a bag of frozen peas on my eye. We discussed separating for the first time.

Things didn't improve after that. At the end of July I went across state to take my kids to spend time with my mom and sister. While I was there, I attended my high school reunion. She was berating me for days for wanting to go to it. "I would never go. I don't see anyone from high school that I don't see on Facebook". "What, you're going to go and brag to people you don't see how wonderful your life is?". Stuff like that. Anyway, I went. But, while I was away, she texted me asking what the password was for the WiFi so she could get her iPhone on it. I sent it back. That didn't work, so I called her to show her how to get in the network with her laptop to allow her iPhone to access it (she had me block her iPhone on the router two days prior, long story, not relevant right now). Anyway, she screams the F word at me and hangs up. Then she berates me via text calling me an a-hole over and over and accusing me of not listening to her. It went on and on. No matter what I texted back, she was just irate and hate was spewing at me. I never retaliated. I even texted the directions.

When I got home the next day, she wasn't wearing her wedding ring or the special necklace I bought for her that she always wore (in fact, she never wore either again). She continued to rage at me, accusing me of not wearing my wedding ring at the reunion and berating me for visiting a friend's house with her and her husband. I was telling her exactly the truth of what I did in Seattle, but she was accusing me of groping and kissing my friend (yeah, with her husband standing there I'd say). She raged on and on, yelling, screaming at me. She then stepped into me and hit me with both palms into the chest. I was shocked. I froze. Later, when she calmed down, I asked if we're up to hitting now. She tried to blow it off, but I mentioned that she didn't tolerate that from her ex-husband. She calmly said, "well, at that moment I wished you were dead". Whoa.

Things didn't improve. I kept getting blamed for not listening to her, treating her like a convenience. I would listen, try to make adjustments, but the berating continued. Even small things. One afternoon we needed to go talk to the neighbors. I asked if she wanted to go. She said, "I'm not leaving the house in these clothes". No problem, I went. Two hours later, I leashed the dogs up to take them for a walk. I didn't ask if she wanted to go. As I opened the door, she kept off the couch and barked, "you're such an ass". "You're an ass sometimes". No-win. If I would of asked her if she wanted to go, I would of gotten, "you don't listen to me, I just said I'm not leaving the house in these clothes".

On Friday, August 23rd, my daughter was taking her driving test. T was berating me for wanting to go and support her. Give her a hug before and after. You know, be a Dad. "What, sitting in the waiting room twiddling your thumbs, that's being supportive? You going to sure in the backseat and hold her hand? It's not like it's a major event, why are you going?". Anyway, on my way home from that, she called me and continued to berate and belittle me. I had enough and told her I'm done and we need to split. When she got home, she begged me not to leave. We cried for a long time and talked. I agreed. By this time, my self-esteem was really low. The berating, belittling, criticism was wearing me down. I had talked to her several times over the last several days that I felt like killing myself. I had it planned. My boat... Full throttle.

Two days later we had a great day on the lake. Long story short... We took two cars due to the amount of people, but when I got home (I had to drop my kids off), she didn't say, hey what a great day. My granddaughter had a great time tubing... Thanks hon. No, I get this as soon as I walk in the door... Another criticism. She asked why I was comfortable leaving contractors in the house alone, but yet I locked the door this morning leaving for the lake (we had workers in the house two days earlier, one of them a friend). I was expecting something like that, for I knew there was something I did that day she'd berate or criticise me for. I said I was sorry for locking the door, another thing I did wrong. I calmly walked the dogs, went to the beach and cried. I prayed, for I was so depleted, vacant, no confidence I wanted to kill myself. I went back to the house and gave her ring back and declared, "if I stay in this house any longer, I'm going to kill myself" and I left.

The next day I came back and we talked. She was hysterical in fear that I'd leave. Begging me to stay. Admitting she was pulling me in, pushing be away. That's exactly how I felt. She then told me in hysterics that she thought she had colon cancer. She thought she had it for months but was afraid to tell mMelissae. I left on a Wednesday to Arizona to spend time with my Dad and his wife. I needed to get away. I left knowing I was through, but came back willing to keep trying.

Two days after I came back (9/5), I saw my therapist for the first time in a year. I explained what was going on, I was suicidal, talked about the berating, belittling, criticism, no-win vortex of questions. After about 15 minutes, she pulled out the book, "stop walking on eggshells" and read me the questions on page 10. I answered every one of them yes. She said, T has Borderline Personality Disorder, or at least tendencies. I didn't really know what that meant for I've heard of it, but didn't know about the disorder. Anyway, I ordered the book and started crying after reading the first two paragraphs. My story matched the stories and conditions people that live with others that have BPD. I felt like I wasn't alone. Like it says on page 11, "you're not crazy, it's not your fault and you're not alone". I've been repeating that phrase over and over again.

I literally felt like I was going crazy, losing my mind and losing myself.

Anyway, I needed to vent. We're no longer together (but there's some legal stuff she's doing that I don't want to bore you with). So I'm not 100% done, but I never want to see her again. This is still fresh and I just need to get better. I have another therapy session this afternoon. I just need to heal and get back to myself again. I don't like the person I had become.

Thanks
M

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear BrokenSpokane-

Welcome to our community.  I’m deeply sorry for the pain that brings you here, but very glad you’ve found us.

Your post was not “venting” at all.  You provided a pretty clear picture of what you endured, what so many of us live through, have lived through.  And the information is important in letting us know how best to support you in the detaching process.

I admire your strength in knowing it was time to exit... in valuing your OWN mental health.  So many of us (myself included) stayed too long thinking we could “fix” things if only...

Since your exit is so recent, please be careful about “recycling” efforts your stbxW (soon-to-be ex-wife) may make toward you.  All types of promises to “do better” may be headed your way.  Tears, promises, begging, recalling of wonderful times... and more promises.  Be forewarned and wear heavy armor. 

I’m hoping you’re pretty much NC (no contact) in order to protect yourself and your emotions.  These are not “normal” breakups.  Not normal relationships, not normal breakups.

Regarding your healing process.  Please be patient with yourself.  This takes time.  Something really deep becomes wounded in us in these relationships and we do in fact seem to lose ourselves... forget who we are.  We are truly traumatized.  I understand that statement. 

When I left my 19-year marriage, my therapist tried to get me to take a medical leave from work.  I refused and dug in hard at work.  That was a huge mistake.  I SHOULD have taken the leave, even a few weeks would have helped.  So I ask for you to really consider what is best for you and your healing from this trauma.

Try to be as open as you can with those who love and support you.  It sounds like you’ve got supportive family members, which is great.  Draw on that strength.

Come to these boards, engage with other members and finally, try NOT to apply “logic” to what has taken place.  Logic doesn’t work to explain what’s taken place.  And post as much as you’d like.

B-Spok - you’ll be you again.  It just takes time, but you’ll laugh from your belly again.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[lucidone]

Hey there.  Sorry to hear that you had to deal with all of this.  This story is very familiar to what I was exposed to.  It's interesting that you didn't really have problems until a few years into your relationship, at least perceptually, at least as far as I understand.  I began seeing peculiar behavior from my exwBPD after a couple months, which became more extreme as time went on, with events occurring every 3 to 5 weeks.

I've personally experienced the onslaught of text harassments.  Hours of them at times, with very little provocation from me.  Totally familiar with answers/statements/concerns from her that didn't make sense, and there was no answer (from me) that seemed sufficient.  Totally familiar with trying so hard and doing so much but it still wasn't enough.  I don't think I truly thought that I was the problem, I just through that her behavior was bizarre at times, and I was willing to try to accommodate her at times because, you know, everyone has their own version of reality, and if it made her happier than its worth a try.

Regardless it seems that they could never be satisfied, and that theres always something else that bothers them, especially about YOU.  I believe that it has to do with the fact that they can feel intense negative emotions, and because they can't handle that it originates from within themselves, they attribute YOU as the cause of it, and they fabricate a reason as to why you made them feel that way, however irrational it could be.  Those negative feelings would keep coming up, just with them living their life, and they need someone to 'blame' for them, to protect their fragility.  And despite how much they 'hate' you, they need you in a way.  One because of their fear of abandonment, but also as the emotional punching bag that they need to blame their painful emotions on.  How ironic that this defense mechanism tends to result in the abandonment they fear so much.

I could see how one could believe that the problem lies with them, as they can be convincing, probably because they truly believe that it's something that you're doing, with all of their heart.  However it's true that "you're not crazy, it's not your fault and you're not alone".   They have a serious mental illness (or at least tendencies that characterizes the illness), not caused by you, and you most definitely aren't alone.  Despite the negativity that she attributed on you, you likely made her life more bearable.

[Longterm]

Hi BrokenSpokane

I also welcome you to the family.

Sorry you have been dealing with these issues. We can all relate here and understand how difficult it can be.

I echo gems, trying to apply logic is futile. It is not your fault and hopefully at some point you can make peace with that. NC would be my advice too, it is best for you to control what you can right now, that being you. As you work through the rubble you will probably be emotionally up and down so try to stay vigilant of your own needs. I too was in a bad mental state at the end and have found much solace here with others who have shared experiences.

Keep posting.

LT.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BrokenSpokane, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Your story is quite familiar, believe me.  Many of us have been down this path before you.  It seems like you parted ways with your W within the last month?  If so, that's quite a recent b/u and it will take time to recover, so be patient.  Glad you are seeing a T.  In general, those w/BPD will try to draw you back into the r/s, usually by employing F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates a Non.  Be prepared.  The best strategy, in my view, is to decline to react to her attempts to twist your arm.    Maybe the F-O-G has already rolled in; if not, be ready.

LuckyJim

[confusedbybdp]

 

Dear BrokenSpokane,

As others here have said, you are not alone, and we are here to support one another through this life changing and confusing experience.  Sadly, the patterns in all of our stories echo one another.  Each of us is a unique person with a unique relationship, yet it is all eerily similar.

Your statement about suicidal feelings resonated with me.  Toward the end of my 18-month relationship with my suspected/undiagnosed BPDbf, I spoke from my heart when I told him that if things did not change in the relationship, it would KILL me.  I knew deep inside that the relationship had been unhealthy for some time.  I was anxious literally from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep at night.  His need for constant attention and caretaking, and the  vortex of crises and emergencies was wearing me down.  He respected no boundaries.  I asked him not to call me at work (or in the middle of the night) unless it was something really important, but he called and texted incessantly.  There were endless crises - nausea, back pain, falls, headaches, anxiety about being alone.  In addition, in his opinion, the world was out to take advantage of him.  He was the proverbial "victim."  Contractors had cheated him, someone at the gym had threatened him, people at the library no longer liked him - the list went on, and God forbid, I not side with him.  That was a mortal sin, and would be met with his FURY and RAGE.  There were multiple fires going on all at the same time, and slowly but surely he took up all the oxygen in the room.  There was less and less space for me, for my interests, for my feelings.  I was disappearing into his madness.  His reality was completely different from mine. We NEVER saw things the same way, and trying to logically work our way out of arguments or misunderstandings was TOTALLY futile.  It was a completely parallel universe.

Unless your "loved one" is self aware enough to acknowledge that something is seriously wrong, and is willing to commit to professional help, there is NO hope.  Yet, in my experience, it was impossible to persuade my bf that he/we needed help.  At one point, he said that he could relate to a number of the BPD traits we read about,  but his doctor and therapist were useless.  His psychiatrist had diagnosed him as Bipolar 2 (a common misdiagnosis or co-morbidity), and said that he "could have BPD," but never screened him for it.  His therapist told him that he didn't like to label people!  As time went on, my bf no longer believed that his behavior was out of the ordinary.  My initial hope that we could beat this illness together began to evaporate.

I was the one to end our relationship.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I still loved him, yet I knew in my soul that the relationship was killing me, and at one point I, too, considered suicide to stop the pain.  Since the end of our relationship, I have met with a therapist weekly.  It's been 4 months, and I am only now beginning to regain my life.  I still have a long way to go.  As someone else here said, there is nothing normal about these relationships, and likewise, the breakups are excruciating and take a tremendous toll.  They are completely unlike a "normal" breakup, and your friends and family may not understand this.  It can be a lonely recovery, and that's why this community is here.

In 18 months, I attempted to break things off with him 20 times!  Each time, the normal, sane, adult version of my bf appeared, and persuaded me that things would change and that we "belonged" together.  I wanted to believe that!  But each time, within a few short weeks, the childlike, out of control personality returned, and so did the chaos.

BOTTOM LINE:  Please do not even CONSIDER reuniting UNLESS she agrees to seek a diagnosis and commits to treatment.  Caveat - as you may have read, DBT is the gold standard treatment for BPD.  BUT, it can be hard to find, particularly outside of major metropolitan areas.  While BPD is now considered a "treatable" condition, there is substantial research indicating that certain of the behaviors respond better to treatment than others, and in the end, some behaviors may persist for a lifetime.  In my opinion, the risk to a loved one is too great in most cases, and should not be underestimated.

My very best to you!  Stay strong.

[BrokenSpokane]

Wow, thank you so much for the responses. I resonate with all of you. Yes, the emotional punching bag, that's what it felt like. She would pull me in, push me away. She even admitted this to me the last time she was behind me to stay. She of course backtracked a week later and said she needed to, 'rethink that statement'.

I do relate to the statement that when she's in full vulnerable mode and begging me to stay, that's the real human emotion coming out. The honesty about her actions. I even have texts of her saying these things. But then days, weeks go by and she completely retracts those honest statements. It's like dealing with to different people.

Anyway, I'm glad it's over. I went to another therapy session yesterday and I will continue to go for at least a couple more months to repair the damage. This group is helpful as well. My own mental health is starting to heal, I can feel it. I feel like I've walked out of a fog and I'm looking back at it thinking, "what the hell was I doing living in that?". I can see much clearer now thanks to you people, my therapist and the book.

I'm also grateful she hasn't contacted me. I know she won't. This is another characteristic of BPD, but I'm certain she's on dating apps already looking for another partner, or at least sex. She can't go a week without it. She's always said she's had so many sexual partners she lost count. I'm learning that that's part of the disorder... Risky behavior such as excessive spending, drugs, alcohol or promiscuous sex. So, I'm grateful she's not looking to F-O-G me. I get to focus on me, my mental health and my kids.

Thank you everyone.

M

[Venicebeach]

Broken Spokane...

I am soo sorry this happened to you! we all know how you are feeling. You are not alone man! I have been in no contact for 3 months now! Its very hard some days. But we all will get through it. i will have to agree with the others here that have commented...PLEASE don't go back and resist the charm! I was suckered in 3 times! Each time I thought it would work out since she was love bombing me and promising no ore break ups or silent treatments! but guess what...it always happened. And yet it was always my fault! She never accepted blame! She even asked us to go to therapy. Which we did. But guess what...people with BPD typically don't think they have issues. She thought I was the one with issues. So if they don't accept they have issues and want to work on themselves it will never work! Again please don't do it! life is took good. You deserve soo much better dude!

[BrokenSpokane]

Broken Spokane...

I am soo sorry this happened to you! we all know how you are feeling. You are not alone man! I have been in no contact for 3 months now! Its very hard some days. But we all will get through it. i will have to agree with the others here that have commented...PLEASE don't go back and resist the charm! I was suckered in 3 times! Each time I thought it would work out since she was love bombing me and promising no ore break ups or silent treatments! but guess what...it always happened. And yet it was always my fault! She never accepted blame! She even asked us to go to therapy. Which we did. But guess what...people with BPD typically don't think they have issues. She thought I was the one with issues. So if they don't accept they have issues and want to work on themselves it will never work! Again please don't do it! life is took good. You deserve soo much better dude!

Thank you. I can see that now, she walked back everything she said the last week or so we were together, blaming me for the way things were. Everything was my fault again.

I'm so much happier now. There's been no contact for over three weeks now and I hope it stays that way. Although once we get past this legal crap she threw at me, we have a house to sell. But, it will be strictly business. I'm doing much better, continuing therapy. My counselor reminds me that when I bargain with the past, there's nothing, nothing I could of said or done differently that would have a different result. I'm not broken, she is and I'm trying to apply my logic to a person that has a mental disorder.

I'm continuing to work on me and I get better each day.

[once removed]

going through the lessons, so this is my first assignment

i hope you keep it up.

i found the stages of detachment, grief, and abandonment to be a really good framework for my recovery, and for progress.

the lessons really speak to virtually everything any of us struggle with. confronting the hardest parts is, ultimately, key to detaching from the wounds.

I do relate to the statement that when she's in full vulnerable mode and begging me to stay, that's the real human emotion coming out. The honesty about her actions. I even have texts of her saying these things. But then days, weeks go by and she completely retracts those honest statements. It's like dealing with to different people.

all of it is the real human emotion coming out. people with bpd traits live in extremes of black and white. the actions, all of them, good and bad, were her.

By this time, my self-esteem was really low.

you really ran the gauntlet, friend.

I have another therapy session this afternoon.

how is the therapy going?

[BrokenSpokane]

i hope you keep it up.

i found the stages of detachment, grief, and abandonment to be a really good framework for my recovery, and for progress.

the lessons really speak to virtually everything any of us struggle with. confronting the hardest parts is, ultimately, key to detaching from the wounds.

all of it is the real human emotion coming out. people with bpd traits live in extremes of black and white. the actions, all of them, good and bad, were her.

you really ran the gauntlet, friend.

how is the therapy going?

Thank you for the support. Therapy is going well. My therapist has me writing about the similarities between my abusive mother growing up and the relationship I had with T. It's really eye-opening. I'm not done, but I've been examining the similarities.

As far as me mentally, I have good days, bad days, good moments, bad moments. I still try and make bargains with the past... What if. But those are fewer and fewer. What really gets me crying though it's the thought of her with another man. I know she's online looking for casual hookups. She's also in the BDSM world and pretty sure she's trolling for a dominate. She can't go a week without sex, and she lost count of how many sexual partners she's had (didn't bother me). I just know her so we'll and it hurts to know she's out there so soon after our break up (it was a week after that she started online).

My therapist reminds me that that's the behavior pattern of a BPD. Filling that emptiness with drugs, alcohol, excessive spending and/or promiscuous unprotected sex. She also reminds me that that's not normal. I'm trying to apply normal logic to her. She then asks me what I'm doing. She's trying to get me focused on me. What am I doing to get through this? So I try and focus on that. I'm doing what I need to do. Talk about it with friends, family. Lots of writing, continuing therapy, exercising, contributing here and spending lots of time with my kids. The last one being the most important.

So, it's one day at a time. Sometimes I miss her... When I think about life before we moved in together. She made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to her and I reciprocated. It was a very, very happy time in my life. But, when I start to think about that, I think about what my therapist told me... That was only PART of who she really is. Those months we lived together, that's the whole of who she really is.

Thanks
M

[once removed]

Thank you for the support. Therapy is going well. My therapist has me writing about the similarities between my abusive mother growing up and the relationship I had with T. It's really eye-opening. I'm not done, but I've been examining the similarities

id really encourage you to examine some of this on the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board (your mother need not have BPD). we have a member here who has a saying: "all roads lead to PSI".

What really gets me crying though it's the thought of her with another man.

i know what you mean. my ex jumped straight into another relationship. its always one of the hardest parts of breaking up to go through. its especially hard when it happens so quickly. often times we internalize it, struggle over the question of were we special, or did we mean nothing.

I'm trying to apply normal logic to her.

i dont know if its about logic. trying to fill an emptiness in less than healthy ways is logical. most of us have done it.

what it is to witness, to be on the receiving end of, is painful. its hard. the two of you were together for four years. you proposed to her. you married her. she was the love of your life. your relationship was full of tremendous ups and downs, that you are in the position of mourning and grieving, and shes trying to short circuit that process. it hurts. it compounds the grief. and grief like this can open up so many things. so many wounds to detach from.

i can tell you though, that it gets better. the intrusive thoughts youre having right now, will ultimately dull, and occur less and less frequently.

you might though, consider asking your therapist for some tools to cope with them in the mean time. we have a good resource on dealing with ruminations and intrusive thoughts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen

it may also be a product of depression. when we are depressed, the mind actually has a way of digging up thoughts or memories that are especially painful (like a garbage truck). knowing that, on some level, helped me at the time: https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

[BrokenSpokane]

you might though, consider asking your therapist for some tools to cope with them in the mean time. we have a good resource on dealing with ruminations and intrusive thoughts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen

it may also be a product of depression. when we are depressed, the mind actually has a way of digging up thoughts or memories that are especially painful (like a garbage truck). knowing that, on some level, helped me at the time: https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

Thank you very much. I read both of this articles. Powerful. Good tips, such as putting humor to the 'files' that get pulled.

I'm also writing out the stages of detachment. That is helping as well. Bottom line is I have pain, I'm recognizing it, processing it and walking through it. I know this is necessary in order to heal. If I ignore it, this process will take a lot longer and I won't move on. It hurts, but walking through it is essential for me so I can come out the other side a better, wiser, stronger person than I am today.

Thanks again,
M

[once removed]

I know this is necessary in order to heal. If I ignore it, this process will take a lot longer and I won't move on. It hurts, but walking through it is essential for me so I can come out the other side a better, wiser, stronger person than I am today.

i couldnt agree more.

you have to both trust in, and work the process.

i dont forget the mess i was in when i went through it; getting through it is still one of my proudest accomplishments. ive been through some hard things since, but dealt with them with more resilience than i had before all of that.

grief can make or break us. commit to being that better, wiser, strong person; it will continue to pay off far after the pain ends.