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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Part 2: She is already with someone else and said she doesn’t want to be with me anymore  (Read 704 times)
Shanel2515
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 81


« Reply #30 on: October 03, 2019, 12:40:53 AM »

Sorry cold knight I typed my reply before seeing your reply
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Shanel2515
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 81


« Reply #31 on: October 03, 2019, 12:44:57 AM »

Cold knight you are right...and your to OR...it is just so hard to accept because she seemed so rational and her attacks on me are so well constructed and hurtful...but I am starting to connect the dots between that part and the person who I saw was truly sick and scared...terrified...and it is helping..
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ColdKnight
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 294



« Reply #32 on: October 03, 2019, 12:45:18 AM »

I understand. I miss mine every day. I have anxiety every day. I think about her everyday BUT I know that NOTHING I could have done would have changed things. It may have made my time with her last a bit longer but it would have eventually come crashing down. It’s just the nature of the BPD.

It’s a true mental illness. We just refuse to accept that because of the great times we had with them. If they were cruel to us all the time then we could accept it much easier but the fact that they treated us great some of the time does not mean that they are any less mentally ill.
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Take it for what it’s worth, I am no one of consequence.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #33 on: October 03, 2019, 01:18:57 AM »

i have probably, at some point, told every girlfriend ive been with, that they were the most beautiful girl in the world.

was it a lie? was it manipulation? did it make sense?

it was an exaggerated statement of my affections, to be sure.

do i at this point, today, struggle over which of them were most beautiful? do any of them struggle over whether or not i really meant what i said at the time?

i dont think so. i think they understood what i was saying in the moment. i found them exquisitely beautiful. in that moment, i saw no one else. i said what i said out of sincere affection, not to butter them up or manipulate them. but that feeling didnt last forever.

ive been broken up with all of those women for years. if they reached out to me years later asking me how id moved on, when i once said they were the most beautiful woman in the world, i wouldnt know how to process that or respond. they were words that i said, and meant, at the time. somewhat exaggerated, but not insincere.

the person that you were with is a complicated person. shes not necessarily that much different than you or i, she just takes what you or i might do and takes it to extremes - she overstates things, with sincerity mind you, but she lives in a very exaggerated world of extremes.

she wasnt lying to you. it was an overstatement of her feelings at the time, which were not necessarily an indicator of how she would feel forever.

from our article on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD, and the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck:

Excerpt
6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

i encourage you to read the full article. talk to us about the beliefs you are struggling with. focus.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Shanel2515
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 81


« Reply #34 on: October 04, 2019, 05:34:26 PM »

I read that article for the first time back in March muring one of our break ups...I wish I walked away a year ago when tinder popped on her phone as I was laying next to her 3 days before I met her parents the first time...but she begged and begged for me to stay...but still was defiant in some ways ughhhh god I am an idiot
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« Reply #35 on: October 08, 2019, 09:42:31 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. The discussion has continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340018.msg13080169#msg13080169
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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