i have probably, at some point, told every girlfriend ive been with, that they were the most beautiful girl in the world.
was it a lie? was it manipulation? did it make sense?
it was an exaggerated statement of my affections, to be sure.
do i at this point, today, struggle over which of them were most beautiful? do any of them struggle over whether or not i really meant what i said at the time?
i dont think so. i think they understood what i was saying in the moment. i found them exquisitely beautiful. in that moment, i saw no one else. i said what i said out of sincere affection, not to butter them up or manipulate them. but that feeling didnt last forever.
ive been broken up with all of those women for years. if they reached out to me years later asking me how id moved on, when i once said they were the most beautiful woman in the world, i wouldnt know how to process that or respond. they were words that i said, and meant, at the time. somewhat exaggerated, but not insincere.
the person that you were with is a complicated person. shes not necessarily that much different than you or i, she just takes what you or i might do and takes it to extremes - she overstates things, with sincerity mind you, but she lives in a very exaggerated world of extremes.
she wasnt lying to you. it was an overstatement of her feelings at the time, which were not necessarily an indicator of how she would feel forever.
from our article on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD, and the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck:
6) Clinging to the words that were said
We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personalityi encourage you to read the full article. talk to us about the beliefs you are struggling with. focus.