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Author Topic: BPD Mother uses illness to control me  (Read 820 times)
etown

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« on: August 19, 2019, 07:23:23 PM »

Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out because I've been NC with my BPD mom (actually both my parents) for a couple of years now. I've done it under the guidance of a counsellor and it has felt generally really good not to have that chaotic presence pop back in my life to mess with my head. The few times we've interacted, it's been her lashing out at me over email to try to guilt me into talking to her. She's also used family members to try to guilt me into talking to her. I've promised myself I won't respond to these kinds of messages. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand the nature of the harm she has done. She doesn't understand why I don't talk to her and she probably never will. It's sad, but I've accepted that and looked elsewhere for stability and familial love. It's taken me a decade of hard work to rebuild myself and be more or less ok in the world.

So today I got an email from her that started as a lashing out. She's convinced herself I don't speak to her because she didn't buy me enough presents when I was a kid--that sort of thing. Obviously, it's hurtful to know that my own parent thinks so little of me, but like I said, I'm used to it. Her understanding of the world is not in line with reality. Then the second paragraph she says that she has breast cancer and I just don't even know how to process this.

For background, one of the ways she has manipulated me over the years was through medical emergencies. When I was a kid, she used doctors and other health care workers to humiliate and punish me and my brother (it's a long story) and get attention for her. When she couldn't do that anymore, she started manufacturing her own health crises (elective surgeries, a very public suicide attempt, cancer scares that turned out to be nothing etc) to get my attention.

This one seems real. She included a lot of specific detail. I don't know what to say to her. I feel bad because I know that her BPD makes her vulnerable and that she doesn't have a lot of people on her side--she and my dad divorced when I was little and she never remarried. Her sisters, I think, would be there for her. My brother probably won't. I don't really speak to him either. I know she's lashing out because she feels scared. I feel empathy for her. But I don't want her back in my life. I don't want to fly to her city to hold her hand. I would never want her to do that for me.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of abuse? Do I respond? Am I a monster for not being there for my mother in her time of need? I have a counselling appointment scheduled for a couple of weeks from now but I could really use some words of wisdom at the moment.

Thank you.
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IvyB

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« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2019, 07:44:37 AM »

I've had very similar situations with my BPD mom, can't tell you how many times I've taken her to the ER thinking she's having a heart attack or she can't breathe...etc. Part of the disorder is that the BPD always needs to be the victim, and what better way than with constant health crisis.
If you've made the decision not to be in contact, I wouldn't respond. I haven't spoken to my dad (non BPD, just a jerk), for over a decade and if I got that email, I wouldn't respond. I've come to terms that he is someone I don't want in my life and I wish him well, but if he has a medical crisis, it's not my responsibility.
Hope that helps.
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Starfire
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2019, 09:12:09 AM »

My uBPD mother also used medical emergencies (some real, some of her doing) as a means for attention.  My entire life.  I had been no contact with her for ~10 years when my siblings and I learned that her health was failing fast and that she had become even more onerous than ever. My sister and I very carefully and with much soul searching decided to remain no contact. My brother decided to buy her a house close to him and become her caretaker. No good deed goes unpunished. He and his family suffered mightily for his kindness.

My brother ended up selling the house and moving our mother to a nursing home where her health continued to decline rapidly. I did go visit her there twice and was glad I had done so.  The second time she didn't know who I was. This allowed me to finally find some compassion for her, seeing her in such a wretched state.  Maybe that makes me a terrible person, but that's how I found closure with my mother before she died.

There were a few people who commented that I didn't seem to be mourning when she passed. I didn't feel the need to explain to them I had grieved the lost of my mother many years before her death.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but thought I'd share my experience. I don't regret maintaining no contact. I saw what that choice took from my brother, his wife, and their children - emotional and financial losses and honestly, I don't know that he has recovered from the emotional pain yet and that's been years ago.
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Panda39
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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2019, 11:28:55 AM »

Hi etown,

I have seen this type of behavior too with my Partner's uBPDxw.  I don't know what's really going on with her if it's real, if it's not.  To me she seems to hide behind her illnesses...I can't do xyz (drive, work, do something for the kids etc.) because I'm sick.  All of her illnesses seem to be subjective type of things... things she feels...dizzy, pain, nausea etc.  Might be real...might not be real.

You can decide to see her or not, or you can just decide to not decide.  I would continue no contact for now and monitor the situation.  If you get some hard evidence from a reliable source then maybe think about what you want to do.  For now I would just let it lay there...don't pick it up.

Panda39
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madeline7
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« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2019, 10:40:32 AM »

Your post is so timely. My elderly uBPDm has just moved from independent living to assisted living a few months ago. She has always used health scares as a way to manipulative the family, and there is nothing wrong with her physically. Of course, now she is saying i am an old woman, and the staff who hasn't caught on yet, think these are typical issues for an elderly person. They don't realize that she has been complaining for decades, so it looks normal to them. Just yesterday, she complained to me about heart palpitations, but of course, in her manipulative style, she didn't answer the phone when I called later to see if she was feeling better and if the nurse assessed her. Now, she is old and maybe did have heart palpitations, but it is like the boy who cried wolf. In the past, I would have run down to see her, or contact the staff. Well, the staff is not able to talk to me, because in one of her rages, my Mom told them not to discuss anything with me (and since she still has capacity she has the right to request that). So I am setting better boundaries, and it is very difficult because at some point, the health issue will be real. But she has professional staff now to meet her care needs when the time comes. I still grapple with the weight of this, but I am learning to detach and let the professionals do their thing.
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etown

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« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2019, 11:34:34 AM »

Thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. I'm glad (sad) to know I'm not the only person who has experienced this kind of manipulation from a parent. I think often about what will happen when my mom is too old to care for herself. But I also have so much trauma linked to her many health scares over the years as well as other parts of our relationship that I fear I would be a very bad person to be her caregiver. Just being around her turns me into a person that I don't like. I'm not sure if it will always be this way, but that's the way it is now.

That being said, she's pretty good at talking people into caring for her even people who are far more vulnerable than she is (like my brother and I when we were kids or my grandmother before she passed away). She's this endless hole of need, like a child greedy for love and attention. It's hard to say no to that. I have a sense that she has a whole bunch of people who are helping her out. She just wants my brother and I to feel bad it isn't us.

So I've decided to put it aside for now. Maybe I won't be able to do that forever, but that's what feels right. Now I know what it's like to have real, trusting, caring relationships that aren't a cycle of catastrophic accusations of betrayal followed glib dismissals, it's hard to imagine going back. I probably won't stop feeling an amount of guilt for not being there for my mother. That's kind of built in, isn't it. But she was never really a mother in a meaningful sense. And I need to break that cycle of damaged attachment.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I hope you're all well.
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BLOOMood

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« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2019, 03:54:37 PM »

My uBPD MIL uses illness for attention constantly, greatly exaggerating and creating fake illnesses or injuries. It terrifies me to think what my husband went through growing up, because I believe she used his "illnesses" to get attention for herself and even suspect Munchhausen by proxy. She would not let him participate in sports, even though he was tall and extremely athletic, because she told his Coaches he had severe asthma. According to him, he never took preventative asthma medicine and she gave him her inhalers to use. He became mysteriously ill in early high school and stopped attending school all together, finishing through a home school program. He wasn't too sick, however, to start working and giving all of the money he earned to her to pay the bills, since she has never worked. None of the Doctors could ever find a cause, and they prescribed him awful medications that he still remembers causing terrible side effects. As a grown man, he will hardly take a Tylenol or an Anti-biotic even if it is prescribed by a Dr and he needs to take it.

If my husband hasn't contacted her in a while, she calls and scares him with an emergency illness that is always forgotten about within days. Nearly every time I see her she has an injury, such as spraining her wrist, and it needs emergency surgery, an emergency diagnostic test, etc, yet if we see her a few days later and she has forgotten about it completely when we ask and wants to change the subject. I have stomach issues that I was having tests for at one point, and if I am sick and my husband shows concern, she always tries to compete or mirrors similar illnesses. It becomes apparent that she hasn't actually gone to the Dr. as she says, because she states the name of a test or illness, and then has no idea what the illness even is or what the symptoms are. She told me that she has Celiac disease, yet was horrified when I asked her about cutting out bread! She ONLY eats carbs. The next visit, no mention of any of it.

Have have been curious myself if Munchhausen or Munchhausen by Proxy are commonly tied to people with BPD.
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TelHill
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« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2019, 06:11:13 PM »

If she has lots of information about this illness and did not for the others, there's a good chance it is real. Will she let you speak to her doctor? She has to give permission to the doctor so you may speak with them. I've had to do this. It's pretty easy if the parent gives their ok. 

My mom doesn't have this issue of pretend illnesses. As an older person she has exaggerated a non-lethal though chronic disorder so I will stay with her 24/7. 
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zachira
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« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2019, 10:21:16 AM »

It hurts my heart to hear how your BPD mother uses illness to control you. My mother with BPD passed away this summer. At the time of her passing, I choose to call and tell her I loved her. As she faded more, I asked the nurses to tell her I loved her. This felt right for me and right for her. We had been low contact for a couple of years. Do what feels right for you and for your mother in the moment. You do not have to make absolute decisions that cannot be modified as circumstances and your feelings change. It is so hard with a mother with BPD because we really want to treat our parents with love and kindness, yet we have to protect ourselves from the abuse, even when that parent is elderly and could pass away at any time. When the parent dies, we are left with the memories, and hopefully don't feel guilty about our choices. I feel sad that I saw little of my mother in the years before she died. I don't regret the decisions I made, I just regret having to make those kind of decisions. There will always be great sorrow over having such a dysfunctional mother and family members. Do what is in your heart while keeping some of those boundaries you have set. You may decide to do what you are doing now or something different. Know that we support your decisions and we will not judge you, like other people who have no understanding of what it is like to have a parent with BPD.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 10:28:57 AM by zachira » Logged

Harri
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« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2019, 10:32:30 AM »

Zachira
Excerpt
I don't regret the decisions I made; I just regret having to make those kind of decisions.
This is stated so well.
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Gir5

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« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 04:54:51 PM »


I'm reaching out because I've been NC with my BPD mom (actually both my parents) for a couple of years now. I've done it under the guidance of a counsellor and it has felt generally really good not to have that chaotic presence pop back in my life to mess with my head. The few times we've interacted, it's been her lashing out at me over email to try to guilt me into talking to her. She's also used family members to try to guilt me into talking to her. I've promised myself I won't respond to these kinds of messages. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand the nature of the harm she has done. She doesn't understand why I don't talk to her and she probably never will. It's sad, but I've accepted that and looked elsewhere for stability and familial love. It's taken me a decade of hard work to rebuild myself and be more or less ok in the world.

This is so much like mine and my mother’s current relationship, for years I didn’t see it, put up with  it and tried to make her understand and trying so hard to avoid the pitfalls. Things got really bad when I had my first child 2 years ago and during my pregnancy she said some really hurtful things to guilt me etc, hurt herself  so many times  all apparently my fault and I just  wasn’t coping, I have since mentally blocked out a lot of this time. I don’t know if all of this was borne of jealousy but our relationship has never been the same. For the sake of my own family I cannot be dealing with this behaviour and have decided that minimal contact is what’s going to keep me sane. I’m glad you’ve been able to seek help for yourself. It’s just  so sad that they’ll never understand  where you’re coming from and you can never make them see things from your’s or anyone else’s point of view as much as you’d love to avenge all those hurtful things said or done.


Has anyone else experienced this kind of abuse? Do I respond? Am I a monster for not being there for my mother in her time of need? I have a counselling appointment scheduled for a couple of weeks from now but I could really use some words of wisdom at the moment.

 My mother is currently experiencing non epileptic seizures which have been brought on by her anxiety, I too am in two minds about how to deal with the situation. It’s genuine as I have witnessed it, but for not pouring my heart out with sympathy  the nastiness has started again, funnily enough this is all coinciding directly with my second pregnancy. I have chosen to not offer sympathy as it only enables her, she’s once again turned my family against me and it’s just not something I can give my energy to right now.   

  It’s so awful that we’re made to feel like monsters for not wanting to buy into this all again when we’ve suffered so much emotional abuse already. Seems so unfair that we once again have to set ourselves up for the inevitable vulnerability that comes with caring because it’s not just caring, it’s opening yourself up for whatever else is going to get thrown at you as well as potentially devastating news about someone you’re already at emotional war with. it’s a lot for someone’s mental health to have to cope with, especially when it’s already unstable from years of abuse so please be kind to yourself. Writing for advice shows a lot about how much you care. i have decided to only respond to my mother when the conversation remains on a neutral level eg no sympathy talk, no guilting me etc. I am sticking by my boundaries for now and keeping conversation to a bare minimum. Maybe remind yourself of your own boundaries or review them in accordance of the situation.

Good luck
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