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Author Topic: Recently Divorced Need Help Moving On  (Read 390 times)
LeftBehindGuy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 30


« on: November 07, 2019, 10:26:24 AM »


 Hi

   I am new to posting but have been reading the board for awhile. I thought it was time for me to share and maybe get some help on insights and moving on.  My divorce was finalized two weeks ago, and I strongly suspect my ex wife has BPD or something related.  We were together 4 years, and married 1 year.  The marriage end abruptly with her taking off while I was out of town for work. 

    So a little background... I have some experience with personality disorders.  My mom likely has BPD, and I have unfortunately been in one or two other relationships with uBPD women (or at least those with a basket maladaptive traits). All the other uBPD people I have encountered have been on the raging / malignant side of things.  My ex wife isn't like that.  She is more the hermit / waif type.  She has strong OCD tendencies (has to constantly stay busy, makes lists and is a perfectionist) otherwise she is restless.  She comes from a family where her two siblings have significant issues.  One is on the more malignant / abusive side of things and the other is so paralyzed by anxiety she cannot hold down a job and can barely leave the house.  Her dad has the worst case of NPD that I have ever seen, and he has not been able to hold down a job in 15 years.  He's extremely controlling, selfish, abusive with extreme anxiety as well. 

   Our relationship didn't go off the rails until about 6 months before our wedding.  Her family ran roughshod over shared preference to not have a big wedding.  It turned into pitched thrown down battles between my exwf and her dad over every minor detail (and I do mean minor and I am not talking about anything to do with money).  I felt that her family was also beginning to disregard my boundaries, so I began to vigorously enforce them (I won't be a doormat for anyone).  Needless to say we almost called off the wedding several times, but ultimately went through with it.  The wedding was an absolute disaster.  Her father and sisters acted out and ruined the entire thing (he sister brought a date to the wedding that had sexually assaulted my wife 2 years earlier (she knew he did this as well but didn't care) and her dad gave a 52 minute speech about himself that was only brought to an end when my best man forcefully took the mic from mine.   

    My ex wife did not see any problems with her family's behavior and even defended them.  I strongly considered getting a divorce immediately (I likely would have gotten an annulment if my state allowed such things).  I got a ton of bad advice to stick it out and that things would get better (even if my ex wife couldn't acknowledge the terrible behavior and how destructive it was becoming to our relationship).  The next 12 months were the worst year of my life.  It's hard for me to even describe.  My wife got a part time job as a bartender and immediately began having inappropriate possible full out sexual relationships with customers.  She made a series false accusations against me for DV, which she then recanted after filing charges  (this was done to damage my career since I work in law enforcement myself).  Her dad assaulted both us in my house and I had to physically throw him out and have my lawyer issue him a civil barring notice. She would threaten to leave or actually leave at least once month and then return (usually after I would beg and plead and apologize for things that I did not do usually involving abuse that did not occur).  She would never admit that she or her family did anything wrong and would start screaming and walk away from the conversation if anyone suggested otherwise.

    Starting in the spring, we decided it would be best for us to move away to get away from her toxic family.  I figured this was our only shot.  I started applying for and interviewing for jobs in a number of different states. She applied for a few jobs as well.  Any time I would get really close to landing one of these jobs, she would start looking at houses on Zillow and fantasizing about our new life there.  It was always kind of alarming to me how quickly she would create these fantasies then 2 or 3 days later tell me she wasn't coming if I got the job.  Things finally came to a head in late August. I was out of town interviewing for a job, and I when I returned to our apartment, it was cleaned out and a cold note was left on the counter saying that she wanted a divorce and not to contact her about anything but the divorce and only by email. She said  she away and got a job in state X but actually found out it was a much further state (she doesn't know that I know and I don't want to trigger her). 

     I decided right then and there I did not want to be treated like and that no human being should be.  I resolved to go through with the divorce as quick as possible (was very easy with no property and no kids), not call her,  and get on with my life ASAP.  I was thankful that this disastrous year  didn't ruin my life / career and that we didn't get pregnant.  For the first 5 weeks I was polite and cordial via email, quickly getting her any forms or info that were needed to untangle our lives and move the divorce forward.  After 5 weeks, I guess she was shocked / disappointed that I never called her or anything and she began calling me (this after she demanded no calls after running away and leaving).  We had a couple of 45 minute conversations about total BS like how's the weather (never admitted that what she did was PLEASE READty or apologized for anything or even admitted that there was  a serious problem in the way she left).   She would send me pictures of our shared dog that she took (I didn't ask) and other cute dogs she saw as well (we both are dog people). 

      Our divorce was finalized 2 weeks ago.  I have only heard from once since then.  She tried to get me to give her my new address (I moved after what happened. I felt like I needed a fresh start too), I made a polite excuse not to give it to her and that was that. I know that she has told a number of people that I was going to make divorce a long drawn out process (it took 15 days and did not involve a hearing) and that after the fact she has told people that I behaved irrationally during divorce and made it a nightmare for her and caused her all kinds of anxiety (again it took 15 days and no hearing.  How bad could it have been?).  Her anxiety in life led her to believe that ending the relationship would be a stressful and possible dangerous process, even though the reality was the exact opposite. I also think she was shocked and possibly disappointed when I don't call or beg even once after she left.

      Although I am devastated by what happened, I am committed to moving on with my life.  I still love her and miss her, but I am quite proud that I resisted the urge to call her in the 10 weeks since she left (although the urge wasn't that great). I am also in therapy to understand my role in the relationship and why I am attracted to women who treat me badly.  I am also committed to keep no contact indefinitely. 

      I think I just wanted to vent here and see what other insights folks on this board had.  Also I assume this is far from the last that I have heard from her (it's only been a week) despite the fact that 10 weeks ago she decided she was the victim and that I am an evil monster (she certainly told a number of people this).  I am not sure why she would want to keep calling the evil monster she ran away from, but so far to date she has.  I am sorry for the long read, but I appreciate any insights or advice. 
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2019, 10:57:41 AM »

Hey LeftBehind, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Your story is quite familiar.  I actually did call off/postpone our wedding, yet I went back for a recycle and we married a year later.  My gut feeling was that something was off from the get-go.  After a lot of pain and suffering, we are now divorced.

My suggestion for a place to start is to return the focus to yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  You've been through an ordeal.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient.  Feel free to ask any questions you might have.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
LeftBehindGuy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 30


« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2019, 12:20:52 PM »


 I guess my biggest question at this point, is I don't understand her exit.   The year was miserable, and no one was happy, so in the long run I think she did me a favor by pulling the trigger and leaving.  But she left in the most hurtful and destructive manor possible (on purpose I think) and all because she needed to constructive a narrative that she is a victim and I was a monster.  I mean it's completely false, but that's fine too. 

   What I don't get if she went to all the trouble to make up all these stories and wait until I was out of town take off...why try and reengage? I think a normal person would know that they scorched the earth pretty badly on the way out and understand that bridge was burnt.  What's with the calls and emails about puppy dogs? It's like she was disappointed that I wasn't willing to play the roles she had cast for me when she left and was afraid I would never talk to her again.  In the 10 weeks since she left she has contacted me every week...and now it's been about a week (seems like we are due).  Despite her demand for no contact or calls and divorce.

After divorce with no kids or ties do they keep coming back? I want to be prepared for what's next now that literally nothing ties us together and we are 650 apart.
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MeandThee29
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 977


« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2019, 02:25:43 PM »

I'm still in the process myself after several decades together, but it doesn't have to make sense. Their thinking is not our thinking. Sad as that is, you have to accept that and focus on rebuilding yourself. It may take years.

I fully expect there might be a contact down the road because the recycling pattern doesn't necessarily end with divorce, even a grueling, expensive divorce.

 After everything is wrapped up, there may not be any reason to accept that though.
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2019, 04:02:34 PM »

Excerpt
it doesn't have to make sense. Their thinking is not our thinking. Sad as that is, you have to accept that and focus on rebuilding yourself.

Hello again, LeftBehind, I agree with M&T, above.  I spent a tremendous amount of time ruminating about what went wrong in my marriage, but ultimately concluded that I will never get to the bottom of BPD, because it is an incredibly complex disorder.  When I first learned about BPD, I was still married and had the hubris to think that I could "crack the code" because I'm a bright person, yet BPD proved too much for me.  I had to throw in the towel.

Excerpt
I guess my biggest question at this point, is I don't understand her exit.   

There are a lot of possible explanations for her abrupt exit.  Those w/BPD often act in ways that seem irrational and unreasonable to us Nons, yet to them their actions are consistent with their intense feelings of abandonment and/or engulfment.  It's unlikely that you will ever have closure, sad to say.  Just the way it is with BPD.  From my perspective, and maybe it's easy for me to say, the reality is that she's gone, and the reasons for her departure don't really matter much at this point.  It's about you moving on, my friend.  I understand it's hard, yet the process leads to greater happiness in the long run.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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