BPD ex took my son and is hiding with him in a shelter; cut off contact

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am writing in the hopes that I could get some advice on how to deal with the feelings I'm having over my very recent "break-up" with my BPD baby mama and "mistress" of 5 years. I would love to give you the whole back story but it's so long and complicated. I'll try to condense it.

I have been married for 20 years and have 3 children. Five years ago, I started a relationship/affair with someone that really used her BPD to convince me that I should leave my family to be with her. I fell hard for her and the fantasy life that she painted and that I believed in. I was crazy about her and nothing was going to stop me from being with her. She kept making decisions in her life that put me in a situation where I had to make similar decisions for us to be together, and again, she did a great job convincing me of this amazing life we would have. Eventually I left my family and moved in with her and just a few months later she was pregnant. I had tried to break up with her dozens of times, but her desire and need to be with me and my infatuation and obsession with her always brought us back together. I had kept a regular schedule with my original family and did my best to deny her adamant requests that I leave them completely and devote 100% of myself to her and to the fantasy. After two years of living together, I decided to "leave her for good" and move back in with my family. My wife had always believed that I was manipulated into this relationship and the man that I had become was not the man she knew so well. Since we had a child, there was no way to completely end it because we were forced to be together for me to remain in his life. She forbid me from letting him have any kind of relationship with my family. Her hatred for my wife is second to none. I respected her demands and never brought him until a few months ago when I finally had the courage to take her to court and demand joint custody. Even though our relationship had been extremely volatile, I could not let her go. I was hooked on the feelings I had when we first started our relationship. It was like the first hit of heroin and then you chase it forever and it never matches the memory. For the record, I've never done heroin but that's what I've heard happens. Anyway 3 months ago, she and my son got kicked out of her parents house where they had been living for a year. She had nowhere else to go but to me and I was once again sold on the idea that the original fantasy she painted could come true if I just devote 100% to her. We had to jump from hotel to hotel until I ran out of money. Then we had to go camping for a week because that's all I could afford. During these 3 months, I started opening up to the idea that maybe she really does have BPD which many people tried to warn me about. I was really able to see her narcissistic behavior. I just refused to believe it because I wanted her to really love me and want to be with me and not just use me for her personal gain. After a week of camping I told her that I couldn't do this anymore and I wanted to go back to my family with our son and she needed to figure out where she could go. A few days later (exactly a week ago), she drove to my house and begged me to let her have our son for just a couple of days. I still have a very soft spot for her and allowed it. Once she had a hold of him she completely cut off all communication and disappeared. I sent the police to her parents house to try to track her down and they let the officer know that she got herself admitted to a Domestic Violence Shelter. God only knows what stories she had to make up to get in to that. So now it's been a week. I have not heard from either of them. She's missed a few custody days that I was supposed to have. I don't know what to do and I'm going crazy. On the one hand I'm very upset that she took our son to a shelter rather than allow him to be with me and also that she made up some story about me abusing her (at least I assume she must have or else they wouldn't have admitted her) and to top it off she cut me off. On the other hand I've already begun to make excuses for what she's done and am blaming myself for leaving her. I'm dying to hear from her and to know what is happening. Every day that goes by without a word feels like forever. I need help in realizing that she has a disorder and that she's not good for me. I also need to stop myself from rewriting history and only see her as the person I've wanted her to be since we first met. I know I need to occupy my time with other things so that I'm not focused on her and the situation but she's always on my mind. How do I deal with the mixed emotions I have for her?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any advice you may have.

P.s. As you can imagine, there is so much that I haven't written about this crazy relationship.

[Toolie]

I am writing in the hopes that I could get some advice on how to deal with the feelings I'm having over my very recent "break-up" with my BPD baby mama and "mistress" of 5 years. I would love to give you the whole back story but it's so long and complicated. I'll try to condense it.

I have been married for 20 years and have 3 children. Five years ago, I started a relationship/affair with someone that really used her BPD to convince me that I should leave my family to be with her. I fell hard for her and the fantasy life that she painted and that I believed in. I was crazy about her and nothing was going to stop me from being with her. She kept making decisions in her life that put me in a situation where I had to make similar decisions for us to be together, and again, she did a great job convincing me of this amazing life we would have. Eventually I left my family and moved in with her and just a few months later she was pregnant. I had tried to break up with her dozens of times, but her desire and need to be with me and my infatuation and obsession with her always brought us back together. I had kept a regular schedule with my original family and did my best to deny her adamant requests that I leave them completely and devote 100% of myself to her and to the fantasy. After two years of living together, I decided to "leave her for good" and move back in with my family. My wife had always believed that I was manipulated into this relationship and the man that I had become was not the man she knew so well. Since we had a child, there was no way to completely end it because we were forced to be together for me to remain in his life. She forbid me from letting him have any kind of relationship with my family. Her hatred for my wife is second to none. I respected her demands and never brought him until a few months ago when I finally had the courage to take her to court and demand joint custody. Even though our relationship had been extremely volatile, I could not let her go. I was hooked on the feelings I had when we first started our relationship. It was like the first hit of heroin and then you chase it forever and it never matches the memory. For the record, I've never done heroin but that's what I've heard happens. Anyway 3 months ago, she and my son got kicked out of her parents house where they had been living for a year. She had nowhere else to go but to me and I was once again sold on the idea that the original fantasy she painted could come true if I just devote 100% to her. We had to jump from hotel to hotel until I ran out of money. Then we had to go camping for a week because that's all I could afford. During these 3 months, I started opening up to the idea that maybe she really does have BPD which many people tried to warn me about. I was really able to see her narcissistic behavior. I just refused to believe it because I wanted her to really love me and want to be with me and not just use me for her personal gain. After a week of camping I told her that I couldn't do this anymore and I wanted to go back to my family with our son and she needed to figure out where she could go. A few days later (exactly a week ago), she drove to my house and begged me to let her have our son for just a couple of days. I still have a very soft spot for her and allowed it. Once she had a hold of him she completely cut off all communication and disappeared. I sent the police to her parents house to try to track her down and they let the officer know that she got herself admitted to a Domestic Violence Shelter. God only knows what stories she had to make up to get in to that. So now it's been a week. I have not heard from either of them. She's missed a few custody days that I was supposed to have. I don't know what to do and I'm going crazy. On the one hand I'm very upset that she took our son to a shelter rather than allow him to be with me and also that she made up some story about me abusing her (at least I assume she must have or else they wouldn't have admitted her) and to top it off she cut me off. On the other hand I've already begun to make excuses for what she's done and am blaming myself for leaving her. I'm dying to hear from her and to know what is happening. Every day that goes by without a word feels like forever. I need help in realizing that she has a disorder and that she's not good for me. I also need to stop myself from rewriting history and only see her as the person I've wanted her to be since we first met. I know I need to occupy my time with other things so that I'm not focused on her and the situation but she's always on my mind. How do I deal with the mixed emotions I have for her?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any advice you may have.

P.s. As you can imagine, there is so much that I haven't written about this crazy relationship.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Toolie,

I am glad you are here. These relationships are a lot to process and they can really do a number on our emotions. It sounds like you have been through a lot of ups and downs in your feelings about this woman.

The idealization and love-bombing stage of a relationship can be intoxicating. We may think we have met our soulmate. It absolutely can be like a drug, and when the relationship starts breaking down we try desperately to get things to return to the way they were at the beginning, or the "honeymoon" period.

Here is an article about how a BPD relationship evolves:

How a borderline relationship evolves

You have joint custody of your son, correct? Have you contacted your lawyer about the fact that she has taken off with your son and is withholding him from you without cause?

It sounds like things have been pretty unstable for you and your family. That is indeed a very tough situation. We are here to listen and help you walk through this. Please feel free to settle in, read and respond to others'  posts, and read some more of the articles and resources when you are ready. Again, we are glad you are here, and

Redeemed

[Toolie]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I called my attorney but she’s busy with other cases and also wants $3000 which I don’t have thanks to having to support her in hotels for 3 months. I just don’t understand how she could do this and the burden is on me to get him back. It’s extremely frustrating.

[I Am Redeemed]

What is your relationship like with her parents? Do you think they are in contact with her?

I know this is terribly frustrating, and yes, it is sometimes very hard for us to wrap our heads around some of the things that our partners or ex-partners can say and do.

For pwbpd (people with BPD), emotions are very intense and overwhelming and they do not have sufficient coping skills to handle emotionally charged situations. At the heart of BPD is an extreme fear of abandonment, and it sounds like that fear may have been triggered by your decision to return to your primary family and take your son with you. Pwbpd can swing between totally idealizing someone and then completely devaluing them (this is called "splitting", or sometimes referred to as "painting someone black"). There is a very polarized "all or nothing", "good/bad", "black/white" type of thinking in BPD. They struggle to see shades of gray in relationships- you are either the best thing ever, or you are horrible.

More info on splitting: Behaviors: Splitting

Has she had success being the sole caretaker for your son before for any length of time? Or do you think she will resurface when the demands of being a 24/7 parent get overwhelming?

[Toolie]

Thank you that was very insightful and definitely resonated with me. She was totally like that which made our relationship crazy. When it was good it was great and when it was bad it would be so awful. It got to the point that I felt like I had BPD because I learned to swing with the pendulum.
As for her parents, they hate me because she spent so much time blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Even though I have done so much for her and honestly put her above everyone including myself. Her parents just saw me as the married man that was using their daughter. Which I believe is why they kicked her out. Once they found out that she was with me, they couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m sure she could handle being with him 24/7 bu she also has no home, no car, no money, no job and no support so it would be difficult to survive.

[I Am Redeemed]

A shelter will usually provide resources or help getting resources, but she will have to get a job at some point or they will likely not continue allowing her to stay there. It sounds like she hasn't worked in a while, is that right? Did she depend on you for support the whole time she lived with her parents?

Shelters also have rules that they expect their residents to abide by, and if she is a boundary buster and limit tester or has a problem with authority she may not last long before she finds a reason to leave.

What is it that you would like to see happen, in the event that she does turn back up? Do you want your son to live with you and your family or do you still have hope of repairing the r/s with your son's mother?

[Toolie]

Do you know how long they would allow her to stay at a domestic violence shelter? I just don’t understand why she refuses to talk to me. I know she’s no good for me and the relationship is very toxic but I’m obsessed with her as if she was a cult leader. I forgive her for anything she does. I’m sure she will test the boundaries until she can’t take it anymore. She has a 15 year old son who basically disowned her as well and lives with her parents. My 3 year old tells me and everyone that he talks to that he doesn’t like his mommy and doesn’t want to be with her and that he hates her and so on. It’s very disturbing.
So when you ask me what I want to happen when she inevitably returns I don’t know how to answer that. I know what I should want and should do but I can’t help it. I’m so used to the abuse and manipulation that I don’t know how to deal without it.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think every shelter is different, but the one in my area has a time limit of three months, and they do require employment unless someone is on disability.

When you think of what you should want and should do, what feelings come up for you?

When you say you don't know how to deal without the abuse and manipulation, do you mean that you don't know how to respond to it other than to comply with what she asks/demands of you?

Detaching is a difficult process. There is grieving to do. Even those of us who left our r/s because the situation was unhealthy or toxic or abusive or dangerous still go through a grieving process. For me, I had to let go of the idea that the relationship that I wanted was possible or that it ever existed the way I thought it did. I had to grieve the relationship I thought I would have, more than even the relationship that I actually had. The r/s I actually had was very abusive, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I did not grieve the abuse. I had (and am still in the process of) to grieve for the fantasy r/s I tried so hard to manifest by twisting myself into a pretzel, first to be who I thought he wanted me to be and then to try to convince him that something was way off with him and if he would just get help we could beat this, witness a miracle, and have our fairy tale r/s. My own thinking in the r/s (and after) was really distorted. Sometimes we call it being in the FOG.

Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are some of the ways that people (and not just pwbpd) try to emotionally control and manipulate others. It's a pattern that is tough to break, but it can be done when you realize what is actually going on- with you, not just the other person.

This explains FOG really well: Emotional blackmail: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

I have a 3-year-old son, too. I agree that it is very disturbing that he says those things about his mother. Emotional neglect alone can have lasting effects on a child. If you want some excellent advice on legal matters and co-parenting with a pwbpd, you might consider posting on the Family Law Board as well as here. There is a wealth of experience on that board for dealing with custody and co-parenting issues. 

[Toolie]

Thank you very much for all of that. I agree that when it comes to her, she has used FOG as her greatest tool. She made me feel responsible for every decision she makes because in essence she’s choosing me so I owe it to her to be there for her. It didn’t take long for me to start believing it and even though my real obligation should have been to my primary family, she demanded it to be for her.
I’m not even sure what it is about her that I worry that I will miss. Is it the rare times we laugh and have a good time? is it talking to her everyday?  Is it the 15-30 minutes of sexual activity?. Is it the attraction I have to her? Is it giving up on the fantasy of the amazing life she promised we would have?
Just writing those things makes me miss her. She’s spent so many years trying to make me hate and leave my wife and life that I believed it for so long. Thank god for my 3 daughters who no matter how hard she tried to get me to abandon them, I would refuse to do it.

[once removed]

there are a lot of moving parts here.

there is something significant that you are getting from this relationship, as much heartbreak as its causing you, and your family. it isnt a healthy thing, but a significant thing, nonetheless.

finding it, discovering why you arent finding the same thing in your marriage, is really the key to detaching.

of course, co-parenting a child from a relationship separate than your marriage is going to be an enormous challenge. it will pay to learn the co-parenting tools. it will pay to shift from a mode of trying to rehabilitate the relationship at any cost to a mode of trying to be amicable exes who share a child.

its a tall order.

are you up for it?

[Toolie]

Thank you. I agree that there’s not only something missing in my marriage but something missing from my life. She’s destroying
my life yet I feel like I can’t live without her. I’ve been in therapy for years and I still don’t know why I’m so hooked to her. It’s. been 9 days since I’ve spoken with her and I’m so depressed. She kidnapped my son and I still want to forgive her because I don’t want to lose her. It’s all so warped but I literally can’t seem to help it.

[I Am Redeemed]

I had the same thoughts on this as or. Something was lacking within you for you to begin and pursue this relationship, some type of need or emptiness that you hoped would be fulfilled by this person. It hasn't been, not in the way you hoped, but you may be associating this person with the only way to fill that need.

It's akin to addiction. Addicts and alcoholics use substances to fill a need that is lacking within themselves. For a while it seems to work, but then it begins to cause damage in the addict's life, yet it's nearly impossible to break the addiction because the addict knows no other way to fill the emptiness, the space created by the need.

[GaGrl]

What is the situation with your wife?

[Toolie]

She has been like no one ever could. She hates what has happened but she has stood by me no matter what I do. She fully believes that I have been manipulated by FOG and her BPD. She has fully accepted my son and only wants to see him thrive.

[GaGrl]

Excellent! That is good to hear.

What does your wife think you should do?

[Toolie]

Well besides just ending it already obviously, she wants me to read up on BPD and FOG and to continue to fight for my son. It was her idea for me to join this group. She’s frustrated about it all but is extremely understanding and supportive of what seems to be going on. 

[once removed]

if you had to choose, and you had the choice, where would you lean?

[Toolie]

Do you mean between my wife or the ex? My brain knows that my wife is the best choice for many reasons, yet I haven’t been able to fight off that persistent desire to be with the ex.