Things are right in front of us and we just don’t take notice sometimes

[Anakin]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339992.0

Yes we’d be better prepared it’s a matter of getting them to see it though.  Which my ex would always say I have issues I’m not ok I need to be ok.  From what I’ve read this can be brought on by trauma at a young age she told me 2 things that I can see would cause this.  I don’t want to get into those on here though.  She sees something is wrong though.  She even said she’s going to go to therapy because of me.  That people before have told her she should go but because of me she’s going too.  She never did I should have kept up with that I guess but you can’t force someone to do something.  See I take blame for not getting her to a therapist it’s not my fault but I feel like i should have encouraged it more.  I told her when she mentioned it even if she needs meds there is nothing wrong with that.  Ugh I’m stupid things are right in front of us and we just don’t take notice sometimes more often than not.  

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[secretgirl]

Yes we’d be better prepared it’s a matter of getting them to see it though.  Which my ex would always say I have issues I’m not ok I need to be ok.  From what I’ve read this can be brought on by trauma at a young age she told me 2 things that I can see would cause this.  I don’t want to get into those on here though.  She sees something is wrong though.  She even said she’s going to go to therapy because of me.  That people before have told her she should go but because of me she’s going too.  She never did I should have kept up with that I guess but you can’t force someone to do something.  See I take blame for not getting her to a therapist it’s not my fault but I feel like i should have encouraged it more.  I told her when she mentioned it even if she needs meds there is nothing wrong with that.  Ugh I’m stupid things are right in front of us and we just don’t take notice sometimes more often than not. 

You can't take blame for this... I went to therapy for myself. My own traumas etc. I tried making my ex go... that was ONE of my ultimatums during another MASSIVE breakup like this one. (Him and I only had two massive breakups, the rest were just arguments about more petty stuff). When he texted me a week later, I wrote him a huge letter explaining he needs to see a therapist etc. if he wants us to work cause I can't do it alone. and guess what? he promised again, then didn't go. he went LATER on once (where I have proof) the other two times he said he went.. but he told me some things from the other two sessions which made me think he DIDNT go. cause he told me his therapist said I am the one with issues. which is nor here or there. I don't even care if he went... the point being is... you can't force someone into therapy. They have to go for themselves to truly want to change, otherwise, they're going for YOU, and that will not only build resentment, but maybe use their therapists as a weapon against you (as in my case).
It's sad because I think we wish we could open their eyes to see that everyone needs therapy in a sense or another. It doesn't mean that something has to be "wrong with you" if you go... but I do know that I shared some very vulnerable things with my ex that I shared with my T and he later used them against me in fights. soo... not sure what to say with the whole T thing . only my experience.

[Anakin]

Nothing wrong with it Therapy I been seeing one for a few years.    I was ready to stop going then the now ex came along.  Like anything in live you get what you give out of it. 

[Anakin]

Any update on your situation?

[secretgirl]

Any update on your situation?

Hey Anakin thanks for inquiring !
No , none at all! I tried texting a neutral how are you text on Monday to see if I’m still blocked , and I am. Lol. Wonder if he will ever come back or if he’s officially painted me black

Some days I get super sad and want to cry because I think of all the good memories and we did connect very well of course when there weren’t fights but this was almost like a power trip on his end ... trying to make me apologize for something I didn’t do and trying to force me to own up... seems like a power trip anyway... not sure how else to see it ... I did give him the option to stop this nonsense and either commit and work through it like we promised or to paint me black and then he blocked me so I guess he chose the latter which is fine . Because I know I’m not anything he said I was in those messages so it’s not really the guilt I feel ... it’s just more sadness .
How about you?

[Anakin]

Oh I’m sorry to hear that.  It stinks it has to be that way being blocked.  It would be nice if he could just reply and say move on or something.  Have you tried another form of communication email perhaps?  Me I hang in there.  Still haven’t sent the message.  I guess I’m scared of the answer or non answer.  It would finalize it ya know?  It does and doesn’t make sense to me even with the more and more I read.  I guess it just comes down to acceptance.  That If I have to move on I got to accept it.  The main thing as always is she’s ok not knowing the answer to that may be the hardest.  Try another form of communication worst that happens is the same result nothing, but it shows you care and are trying

[secretgirl]

Oh I’m sorry to hear that.  It stinks it has to be that way being blocked.  It would be nice if he could just reply and say move on or something.  Have you tried another form of communication email perhaps?  Me I hang in there.  Still haven’t sent the message.  I guess I’m scared of the answer or non answer.  It would finalize it ya know?  It does and doesn’t make sense to me even with the more and more I read.  I guess it just comes down to acceptance.  That If I have to move on I got to accept it.  The main thing as always is she’s ok not knowing the answer to that may be the hardest.  Try another form of communication worst that happens is the same result nothing, but it shows you care and are trying

Hey Anakin ! I have no other form of communication with him. Both him and I don’t have social media . He has fb but he never ever goes on it he’s not even added on my friends list so it would be pointless. If I got blocked on the phone then that’s a pretty clear sign to me not to chase and to be honest, I don’t even want to after the stuff he accused me of: bpd or not.
Awe I’m sorry you’re sad that’s hard to hear also ... for your case it’s ok to send it but even then I feel sometimes they don’t want closure to be able to come back... look at how my ex and I ended it before he blocked me ... it was more a blow up without him officially saying it’s over he just said it has been great, so I took that as a goodbye but it’s fine I feel better without him honestly.
I do get sad but I’m not as anxious anymore . I feel more relaxed. I was always in a heightened sense of stress when I was with him... because his rages would come out of nowhere or days after a trigger so I would sense things were off for days but his strength obv wasn’t communicating just lashing out ... I mean I didn’t help by JADEing but oh well . No point or wondering what if stuff unless he messages . At least until then (if it happens) , I have time to think about whether I actually want to go back to him or not because every argument prior I never snapped I would cry and he apologized and always told me he will never do it again, he will go therapy etc etc all false promises . The last couple posts I made on here are the first times I’ve actually stood up for myself.

[Anakin]

Oh man that also stinks the no other form of communication.  Well you definitely seem a lot better and in a better frame of mind by what you’re typing.  I still can’t wrap my head around the whole their scared of you leaving and what do they do leave thing.  If you do hear from him I hope it goes well.  Wether that be closure and being able to move on or you give it another go and he goes to therapy.  Funny mine said she’s go because of me.  When I look back everything she said she would do she didn’t and everything she said she wouldn’t do she did.  I know it’s not her fault and for the most part can’t help it ugh breaks my heart really does.  Sue me I’m a softy,  I’ll keep good thoughts that your situation gets better and you get an answer you can be happy with

[secretgirl]

Oh man that also stinks the no other form of communication.  Well you definitely seem a lot better and in a better frame of mind by what you’re typing.  I still can’t wrap my head around the whole their scared of you leaving and what do they do leave thing.  If you do hear from him I hope it goes well.  Wether that be closure and being able to move on or you give it another go and he goes to therapy.  Funny mine said she’s go because of me.  When I look back everything she said she would do she didn’t and everything she said she wouldn’t do she did.  I know it’s not her fault and for the most part can’t help it ugh breaks my heart really does.  Sue me I’m a softy,  I’ll keep good thoughts that your situation gets better and you get an answer you can be happy with

Yeah it's okay honestly... I'm over it. There's not much I can do. I talked to my brother about it too and even though it's a mental illness he doesn't understand well he did tell me that if someone doesn't trust you, you have no r/s... so that was very true in my case. I know the mental illness plays a huge part in that but it's their responsibility to get help as well.. just as it was mine for my own mental well-being to get help for myself after my parents passed. I learned a lot through my therapist. and even though I broke down and JADED sometimes ... I actually communicate much better now that's why sometimes I wish I started posting on here sooner so that people understand that the last couple posts I made on here is literally when I started snapping so I guess , in a way, when I'm snapping it means it's probably over on my end too.
The first 6-7 months of our r/s I usually just shut my mouth and agreed or sat in silence or cried. it's only the last few times I started talking back which obv made things worse but then it became more and more clear that he did not like me having my OWN voice. And I'm assuming that's why he left and thought I had "changed" because in his perspective I wasn't the old "obedient" me anymore.
I'm sorry to hear your ex also made promises she didn't keep... I think it's after so much of those fake promises we lose patience. And maybe it's not a mental illness I personally can handle... at least not yet. I am willing to admit that. It would be A LOT of work for me to be in a r/s with an UNDIAGNOSED bpd, seeking no therapy at all. I don't know if I have what it takes to cut it to be honest.
How about you? what would you do differently if she replied and wanted you back? It seems on your end you did as much as you could... doesn't seem like you said anything particularly mean or ended up losing patience?

[Anakin]

What would I do?  Well I’d hope I could convince her to start therapy like she said she would do because of me.  Even though people had mentioned it to her before.  Prolly not the best way to start idk.  This is all new too me.  I lost my patience once but I wound up blocking her.  She left VMs crying she can’t handle it she’s different than other people she loves me and wants unblocked.  Still have them and when I listen to them it breaks my heart.  That girl that wants to be loved so badly is stuck in my head.  So is the one that would say she’s unlovable she’s like garbage.  It kills me if she hurts so much and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  Not to Sound like a child but it’s not fair I can’t help her, not being able to help someone you love isn’t fair. 

[secretgirl]

What would I do?  Well I’d hope I could convince her to start therapy like she said she would do because of me.  Even though people had mentioned it to her before.  Prolly not the best way to start idk.  This is all new too me.  I lost my patience once but I wound up blocking her.  She left VMs crying she can’t handle it she’s different than other people she loves me and wants unblocked.  Still have them and when I listen to them it breaks my heart.  That girl that wants to be loved so badly is stuck in my head.  So is the one that would say she’s unlovable she’s like garbage.  It kills me if she hurts so much and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  Not to Sound like a child but it’s not fair I can’t help her, not being able to help someone you love isn’t fair. 

Can she still leave VM's when blocked? I had no idea.
I know... I think those are the sides of them that keep us around, and then knowing it's an illness on top of it, doesn't help. Because empaths like us, want to help but unfortunately I've already tried the therapy thing and it didn't work. Didn't last. and obviously if they don't want to go for themselves... they won't ever go. Can't force them to realize they're part of the problem/solution too.
Everyone is 50% for everything that's what my T taught me. It's not our responsibility to hold their weight, their 50%.

BUT it's your choice how you approach it. Honestly.. I don't even know how to approach mine anymore after this morning's episode. If anything, it just shows he needs help just that much more. Sometimes , as a non, you look at their behavior and wonder why they'd want to make themselves look worse? But then it's clearly becausue they're not thinking straight. So even if he were to approach me with remorse, I'd probably still suggest therapy. Or I'm done 100%. I have no energy left. So it's up to you to decide also what you will/will not deal with. and go from there. People are on here are great with advice. SOme people (I commend them) have been non volatile, and respond very well to bpd's behavior. But it's a skill that must be learned and it's one we must commit to if we choose to be with them. I still am taking the time to think about this.

[Anakin]

Yes they can still leave VM when blocked.  Go to VM scroll down it’ll say blocked messages on iPhone how it is.  Walking away which will be my guess how this all plays out will be hard.  I’m going to New Orleans on the 30th so I’ll be sure to send my message before then..  let the chips fall where they may and if I gotta move on I will.  I’ll come back home and just hit the gym.  The hardest thing for all us Non’s is having to walk away from someone we love.  Knowing what’s wrong and not being able to fix it.  Them wanting to be loved more than anything and it’s right in front of them and they sabotage it.  It literally kills me and breaks my heart that I’ll have to walk away baring a miracle.  Say everything goes bad and she’s mad over the letter/message.  Would staying in contact with a text here and there be bad.  No emotional texts but like happy birthday merry Christmas happy new year.  Would that be bad?  Maybe that’s me holding on for selfish reasons perhaps?  Cause if she replies then I know she’s ok.  God I’m grasping at straws here.  I don’t like to give up/run away or give up on someone you love.  I’d trade spots with her in a sec if i could so she wouldn’t have to deal with this. 

[secretgirl]

Oh wow I had no idea thx for the new knowledge

That’s probably a good time to send it! What will you say?
That’s a good idea ! The gym always makes you feel better not only physically but spiritually ... it helps me release a lot of negative energy building up inside of me.   

I agree it is hard to walk away 100% knowing it’s on your conscience to an extent ... but if it helps , it also helps you find yourself a bit more , realize what we can work on (our reactions for ANY r/s), and have a lot of self love too because we deserve to be treated well also. So don’t be so hard on yourself.

No , I don’t think that would be bad ... I think neutral things like wishing her a happy birthday isn’t bad .. if she does clarify she never wants to talk to you again though I’d be cautious ... it could be her bpd reaction and maybe not what she actually wants but don’t fall into a category where she could deem you a stalker etc for some reason.
You’re not giving up at all though, you’re being pushed , there’s a difference ! So again, try not to be so hard on yourself. All you can do is send your message and that’s it. That’s you trying. If it’s not enough , then she will either soon enough realize it’s enough or just she needs such constant attention you’d be drained completely and have no time for your own mental well being.
Trust me , I sympathize too... I can’t imagine having their logic and reacting in such a way... but all we can do is try and if it’s not enough then not much we can do at that point but respect them and work on ourselves and focus on our own lives .

[Anakin]

What I say is hopefully the right thing .  I just don’t want to upset her.  I’ll again apologize for the last thing I said.  I’ll also say as we’ve talked about that if she wants me gone I’ll respect her decision.  Ya with the messages with being blocked If I could share some of them here I would maybe.  She seemed so true with her feelings if that makes sense.  She was crying upset saying she wanted unblocked also said maybe she’ll just fill up my vm.  One message was just I can’t stop crying it broke my heart.  She knows she has something wrong with her.  She even said when blocked “you’re throwing me away cause I’m screwed up”.  She knows something is wrong and even also said she ruins stuff while telling me don’t be so persistent and run it which I guess where engulfment comes in?  Has she forgotten all those feelings she had for me?  I remember she said “you made me fall in love that’s huge” ugh wtf did that girl go?  God I pray I’m not too late and that there is still a chance.  A REAL CHANCE.