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Author Topic: BPD Brothers and sisters please help me from breaking NC  (Read 398 times)
pest947
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Split 2 Recycles
Posts: 52


« on: October 10, 2019, 10:39:35 PM »

I dont know why the last week or so ive been more bothered by my bPDex and what occurred. She discarded me the 3rd time via email, many of the same made up reasons as before. To make it worse I noticed she had unfriended me on Facebook at somepoint since. This had not occurred before, There was no blowup other then the drift discard that occurred again. Looking for strength and advise. She has always reconnected in the past and has had issues with others she burned or damaged relationships with feeling like she is the one always reaching out. Here is the email I have drafted: I honestly dont even know what my goal to sending this would be,


M,

I guess it's my turn to reach out. I don't know where to start or even what to think and I'm scratching my head again. You know that I care and hope things are working out for you. I would have liked an opportunity to talk, but like the last couple of times things turned so quick and made me feel very discarded, without a thought. After all we were through, I deserved more than that as a friend much less someone you once loved so. You said at the time you were sorry if if seemed quick to me, From my prospective, everything was going nicely taking our time, E had just accepted the idea of me again. We had a getaway planed and though time was scare we had each other and had each-other's back. To me it seems the one night I don't respond timely to your texts and boom, the same silent drift, coldness and no talking pattern occurs that I saw before. I am sorry I got defensive, but please realize in your message you told me it was always something if not this, that, if not that the house. Are you kidding me? I forgave you, never made you feel bad about nor cast any blame on you for the house. I was at peace with it, I still have/had to deal with it...BUT...if there is anyone on gods green earth I should have been able to go to and talk to for support about the house it was you!

I haven't reread the email since the day you sent it, Its just not healthy for me. It sounded much like the last email you sent to me in spring. One thing that really stuck with me is I don't know how you could say "You shouldn't have to change for anyone." You know that I loved you, all of you completely and whole. You you said in your own words That you loved that I loved you for everything you are. The good, the bad, the child, everything.

However, I dont understand the finding fault with me and everything I do when things get stressful. I felt like you projected a lot of your stress on me. God knows I'm not perfect but I was very good to you and us and I did many things to show it and there was a lot of good. If there were really as much at fault with me as you seemed to find I'd be lucky to have any friends at all in this world or be able to do anything on my own. It hurt to know you would go on to anyone that would listen about how irritating I am, or can't/don't do this or do that. How I have you at your "wit's end" I mean how would you feel if I went on talking to everyone about you like that?  Why does it seem it was so easy for you to overlook all the many positives about me and about you and I?

Then I happened to notice on MJ's last post about her cancer and see that we are no longer friends. I guess you have your reasons but after all we were through I never ended that even if i wasn't following your posts. I don't know what I've done and I'm sorry you had to go to these extremes. But you need to do what you need to do.

Know that I care about you and your well-being very much, regardless.

me


« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 10:41:42 PM by Harri, Reason: removed names pursuant to guideline 1.15 » Logged
pest947
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Split 2 Recycles
Posts: 52


« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2019, 10:40:47 PM »

ps, its not been quite two months and she has reached out to me before closer to 3 moths after when she seems to get clarifty...for awhile anyway.
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« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2019, 11:38:28 PM »

Looking for strength and advise.

as much as it hurts,

dont respond to an unfriending with a heartfelt note.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
pest947
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Split 2 Recycles
Posts: 52


« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2019, 06:33:44 AM »

Thank you, I now still have the urge to reach out even if I take the Facebook thing out. I know that I shouldnt and question my goal? To see if she is cooling and wants to talk again? To rekindle? If Im honest with my self, I think the rekindling thoughts are more about the acceptance and validation than her. Still wavering, hoping to talk to my therapist today to. Which asked if she could be frank and told me to stay far away from her Smiling (click to insert in post) Its just been a time of weakness and then noticing she did that topped it off. Appreciate and thank you for the continued support and advice BPD family. 
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gizmocasci
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2019, 07:51:30 AM »

Hi Pest,

Today marks 2 months of no contact. The longer this has gone on, the more I long for her. I wouldn’t say it’s gotten harder, but it hasn’t gotten easier. I want to reach out to her to see how she is. I keep fighting against it though. It’s crazy to think she’s just a touch of the screen away. I play the scenario out in my head, if I do reach out, and to be honest, it’s not worth it. Keep fighting the urge, it’ll pass. She’s a drug. There’s a whole world of people out there. It’s time we had our own backs for once.

Best of luck

r
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pest947
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Split 2 Recycles
Posts: 52


« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2019, 12:05:51 PM »

Thank You,

It was easy for me the first month and a half and then I started to miss her. I've been through this pastern before first time she stayed away for a bout three weeks to a month. The Second was closer to three months, but in talking to her after each time it was much sooner she started missing me and thinking about me again before actually reaching out. I also have the problem as once I get some distance I start "painting her white" in my head, remembering and over exaggerating the physical and emotional qualities of her.

I agree the playing the scenario out in my head reaching out is a now win situation. I reach out and shes cold/not out of her funk and is dismissive and I feel bad. I reach out and she has been thinking of me, we likely start another recycle and I imagine it ending again the same way. It is like a drug, though thinking she is likely out of the painting me black phase and wanting to engage, even though I know full well what will happen again.
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« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2019, 09:10:52 AM »

any update?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
pest947
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Split 2 Recycles
Posts: 52


« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2019, 02:57:46 PM »

I refrained. I'm wrestling with myself as to why I would even want to make contact after all she put me through. During the idealization phase I built her up in everyday. Emotionally/physically. When I look back with my logical mind I see that clear as day and see how blind I was. Yet, something gets in me I cant explain that builds it all up again and I have to reality check myself. It gets old and tiresome but is something I've been struggling with. 


But still NC for me.

Any advice for dealing with the "Painting white" of the relationship and person from others that have been there?

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« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2019, 03:56:15 PM »

Any advice for dealing with the "Painting white" of the relationship and person from others that have been there?

i had the same problem. i really put my ex on a pedestal there for a while after she broke up with me. i think that i felt rejected on a very deep level.

the answer for me was to come to terms with her. the good parts and the bad. come to terms with the relationship. the good parts and the bad.

Excerpt
When I look back with my logical mind I see that clear as day and see how blind I was

you werent blind. your ex, no doubt, has some loveable qualities. and im sure you found her very attractive. the same was true for my ex. the relationship touched you in a deep way, and certainly, you may have remained in a dysfunctional and/or dead end relationship to the detriment of your mental health.

i had to mourn and grieve those things that i loved about my partner. she was my first adult relationship. we had three years together, and we spent nearly every day of it in each others presence. i found her very attractive. she had some qualities i found very special in a partner.

i had to recognize that those things were gone, that she was gone, and grieve that. it was a big loss. i had crying jags for weeks.

but life goes on. we will all have lots of special relationships in our lives that will come and go. there are qualities that my partner had that i will look for, and find, in others. there are qualities that i will find in others that i will love and appreciate perhaps more.

the other part of it is coming to terms with the fact that nobody belongs on a pedestal, and that seeing someone that way isnt balanced.

there were a lot of times in my relationship that i wanted out. that i couldnt stand her. it wasnt lost on me that i was suddenly pining for the same person. i just wasnt sure why that didnt translate...its not as if i had forgotten.

so finally i put it in writing. not just a list of things i didnt like. it turned into more of a letter to myself. it was unfiltered...i wrote some nasty things, and let it all fly. i wouldnt say it was balanced, but i wouldnt say it was untrue either. and i found when i did it, i really turned a corner and managed to get to a more balanced place. so, its an exercise i would definitely recommend.

come to terms. grieve. mourn. let go of both the good and the bad. as you do, begin to direct your energy toward becoming the man you want to be, and attracting healthy others.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lucky Jim
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Posts: 6211


« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2019, 04:58:39 PM »

Hey pest, I suggest you temper your idealization of her and the r/s with realism, as once removed suggests.  From what you are saying, she is bad-mouthing you around town, which isn't nice.  Presumably you also experienced emotional blowups and turmoil, if not abuse.  The reality is that she's not all white, which is OK, but worth reminding yourself.  Yes, you have to do reality checks and get hold of yourself in order to get through this period of rough sledding.  I'm here to confirm that it does get better, if you stay the course.

LJ
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George Bernard Shaw
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