Marriage ending in violent attack and suicide attempt

[Feelingfrozen]

I'm not sure if I'm seeking "advice", maybe moreso just to put my story out here. Long story, short (ish). My husband and I came to the conclusion that he had BPD this summer (for a long time assumed Bipolar). I was living in the awful cycle (idealization/devaluing/discarding) and this cycle was getting tighter and tighter as my empathy and patience was running dry. I started to realize in order to protect my emotional health I would wall up and he would see this as rejection and abandonment. I would also not be as receptive to the idealization phase so again he would feel I was pulling away which made his depression worse. This fall he started working as a teacher and was doing well but he quickly spiraled. On a Friday he got with a call girl of some kind ( I learned this after his suicide attempt). By Sunday, I'm assuming the guilt and frustration led him to be suicidal or he was before the call girl (I may never know which came first). He took a bunch of pills and laid down. I came into the bedroom to try to get him up (not knowing about the pills) and he violently attacked and tried to kill me. I suffered several blows to the head and strangulation injuries. He smashed my phone with a hammer so I couldn't call for help. Our two year old was napping in her bedroom and mercifully slept through this. He took more pills (Xanax) and knocked out enough for me to escape with my baby safely out of the house to call 911. This was two weeks ago and he is on a ventilator. He is not very responsive but his brain is "ok" according to an MRI and EEG. He has pneumonia and they are treating him but his progress is very slow. He will likely be in a long term care facility. I'm reeling. Not only have I lost my husband, I'm healing from physical injuries, trauma, and likely PTSD from the attack. I can't even see him in the hospital because he is under arrest. I'm left at home now with my 11 year old stepdaughter and our two year old toddler. I'm just broken.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Feelingfrozen! That sounds like a terrible, frightening, painful experience. You're dealing with a LOT right now, dealing with your husband's health issues, your own recovery from the trauma of assault, taking care of your SD and D. Is there anyone taking care of you? Any friends or family who can help you? Are you seeing a therapist?

[I Am Redeemed]

I am so sorry, Feelingfrozen, and you certainly must be feeling paralyzed right now after such a traumatic experience. I am glad you got your story out. When I first came here, I had just left my husband after years of physical attacks and drug use, and it was cathartic for me to just be able to tell the whole truth to someone who would understand. And we do, we really do.

You are right that you may develop or already have PTSD from this. Do you have any support from family, friends, for you and the kids? That is an overwhelming situation to find yourself in and then to have the sole responsibility of children on top of it can be just so extremely difficult. I am glad your toddler did not witness the violence.

Does your h have full custody of your stepdaughter?

You may want to consider getting in touch with a domestic violence service in your area, if you have not been referred already by law enforcement. Sometimes these offices provide free trauma counseling for people who have suffered intimate partner violence.

In the meantime, please keep sharing here. We are here, and we are listening.

Hugs,

Redeemed

[Baglady]

Dear Feelingfrozen,

I just wanted to extend my whole-hearted sympathy and online support to you for what it's worth.    Almost two years ago to this day,  my exBPDh blindsided me with overwhelming, unstoppable rages for almost 3 weeks during a psychotic break (no prior history) before a physical attack that ended my 21 year marriage.  The level of overwhelm while I tried to juggle his breakdown and behavior, my job, real life responsibilities, parenting my son etc. while in the midst of such a surreal situation was truly indescribable so I really feel for you right now having walked a similar although less difficult path.  My heart sincerely goes out to you.

My only advice - lean on anyone and everyone, any resource that you can access, this is time to put your pride aside and reach out for all of the help you are going to need and frankly that you absolutely deserve.  It's time to call in all and any outstanding chips/favors from friends and family - this is too much to handle by yourself.  If possible find yourself a good therapist - I think mine saved my life to be entirely honest.   Please check in on this site often - everyone here can relate to your experience to some extent and it's such a supportive village.  You are not alone and you are stronger that you ever knew.  Hug your kiddo close - she is down one parent and she needs you.  As challenging as it is, I know that having to step up for my son kept me going during the toughest hours/days and weeks.  

Warmly,
B

[Feelingfrozen]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies and good advice. My husband died Friday in the ICU as a result of his overdose. Even though he had done terrible things I told him that I loved him and forgave him and that's all that mattered. There is more trauma with having to watch him die. I feel like it has been just hit after hit. I feel like I can't live in this house anymore where all this happened.

[Baglady]

Dearest Feelingfrozen,

My profound sympathy to you     

You and your children will be in my thoughts as you navigate this traumatic event.  I highly encourage you to seek out therapeutic help in order to help you process your husband's death.

Warmest thoughts,
B

[Cat Familiar]

Dear Feelingfrozen,
I wish I could offer more than inadequate words to comfort you. 

As painful as it was to be there with him as his life ended, you transcended the emotional injuries he had inflicted upon you, and sent him on his journey with words of love and support. That was beautiful and will bring you comfort in your grief.

What can we do to support you?

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

Dear Feeling frozen,

I am so very sorry. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I cannot imagine, I just can't. But we are here for you. However we can support you, please let us know.

[Vincenta]

Dear Feelingfrozen,

So sorry to hear, my heart goes with you!

BPD is a serious personal disorder, often ( around in 70% of cases) combined with other disorders and/ or mental illnesses, and we never should forget this. And whatever you, dear Feelingfrozen, have done or not done - you are NOT responsible for your husband’s decisions.

Now, first things first, - do you have people around you to support you with all the practicalities? Like funeral and legal stuff with your step daughter etc?

When it comes to the huge emotional part, who is there to support you? Any friends and/ or relatives?
Can you consider and afford also external support like therapy, both for you and your stepdaughter?

We are all here for you, and we care. 
Please keep on posting.

Sending my biggest warming virtual hug ever
 

Yours
Vincenta 

[Kwamina]

Hi Feelingfrozen

You have been through some very traumatic experiences in a short period of time. I am very sorry things went this way, now ultimately resulting in your husband's death. His behavior was quite problematic and this also follows his violent attack of you. Yet he still was your husband and losing someone you were close to, is never easy.

As you try to process all of this, I want to share this resource with you:
Recovery from suicide loss

Losing someone through suicide is a very difficult experience to deal with. This resource is a self-help handbook for people who have lost someone through suicide.

Take care and wishing you peace as you mourn this loss

The Board Parrot

Losing someone that you loved or cared for to suicide is the absolute worse loss that anyone can endure.  No one is prepared for it and only those who have experienced it can know what it involves and how it feels.
 
This handbook provides some basic information for those who are bereaved by a suicide.  It is based on the self-help philosophy of Survivors of Suicide (SOS).  It covers topics frequently discussed at SOS support group meetings and concepts from the suicide loss literature.
 
We have used a question and answer format because the grief journey that a suicide loss sets you on is often driven by a search for answers.  This booklet can be read in order of the questions that most interest you.
 
This booklet is not a substitute for the mutual self-help offered through SOS or other support groups.  It is a supplement to such support.  It may be a resource for those in settings or communities without such services.
 
Suicide loss is psychologically and physically traumatic.   You should see your health care provider as soon as possible after your loss.  This booklet is not meant to replace the advice of qualified health care professionals.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so so sorry for your loss and for your pain. I pray you will find some measure of comfort in the midst of your  grief.
Hugs
Faith

[GaGrl]

I am so very sorry. Please know that there are many who are sending support in your grief.

[Turkish]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies and good advice. My husband died Friday in the ICU as a result of his overdose. Even though he had done terrible things I told him that I loved him and forgave him and that's all that mattered. There is more trauma with having to watch him die. I feel like it has been just hit after hit. I feel like I can't live in this house anymore where all this happened.

"I told him that I loved him and forgave him" That was very loving of you to extend forgiveness and grace. I hope he heard it.

I can imagine living in the home would be triggering to say the least. Though the danger is past, you've been left with a lot to deal with.  Do you have personal support? How are you now and how are your kids?