I am thinking about reaching out...need advice / talked down

[LeftBehindGuy]

   Ok so I am relatively new to this site, but I figured it's better to post here than take action in the real world that might be questionable.  Btw I know I am all over the place emotionally too (another reason to think long and hard before taking action).  Quick History:  I was with my uBPDxw for years, and married for 1 year.  12 weeks ago she abruptly left while I was out of town and moved 700 miles away to a town where she doesn't know anyone.  She immediately filed for divorce and requested that all contact be limited to email and only about divorce stuff. The divorce was finalized 4 weeks ago.  I have largely been no contact and have only responded to "business related" emails she sent.  After about 5 weeks she started calling me and we a couple of 45 minute BS conversation where nothing of substance was discussed.

    About 3 weeks ago, I stumbled onto my xw's redditt account that she had for a year.  She only posts about me and our relationship.  She lies about abuse and both our behaviors.  She even lied about how difficult the divorce was (it took 15 days and didn't require a court appearance).  She also lies about be strict NC with her abusive ex, but concedes daily that it's a struggle to not call me or reach out to me.  After a week I deleted the app because although it was interesting to see her mindset (and admittedly a little satisfying to see that she was so miserable),  I knew it wasn't health for me.

    Last Friday night she sent me an email accusing me of all sorts of abuse during our marriage, but ultimately wishing me well (certainly not strict no contact there).  She followed it up with a couple emails this week about BS stuff with her car registration that she did not need to get me involved in.  She was curt and somewhat rude in the emails.  I did respond to the car email (only about business).  I was talking to a close buddy yesterday about what happened and before I could say no, she pulled up my xw's reddit account.  At that point the damage was done for the week, so I looked.  Same stuff posting every day about how terrible I am.  What was interesting on Friday she posted 15 times about me, including saying several times how difficult it is to not contact me, but she is not going to.  She also said she has become a heavy drinker, particular on "bad days". 

     Yesterday for the first time in 12 weeks, I had a strong urge to call her.  Because I do love and miss her, and part of me wants my wife back.  Also because I feel like she is in a pretty dark place and possibly in crisis (she posts at all hours of the night on redditt).  I resisted the urge, because I know bad feelings about her are often temporary and will pass. I also know logically no good will come out of contacting her.  Today I am still on the fence about calling her but I have promised myself I will not do it today (one day at a time).  I plan on talking this over with T on Saturday too. 

    I guess I am here for advice.  Obviously no one can tell me that should / shouldn't contact her, but I am curious for insights from folks more experienced than myself. Thanks.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel like she is in a pretty dark place and possibly in crisis (she posts at all hours of the night on redditt).

Hey LBG, It's pretty common for us Nons to take on the role of "rescuer" with our pwBPD as part of the drama triangle.  It's worth pausing to consider whether it's really your place to attempt to help another adult who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.  It sounds noble to be a White Knight, yet it often doesn't play out that way.  You could be opening up yourself up to more pain and abuse.

What are you hoping to see happen?  Do you imagine she will be grateful for your concern?  Would you entertain a recycle?    If so, why do you think it would play out differently this time?  Are you being manipulated through F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt)?

Worth thinking about.  It's your call, my friend.

LJ

[Hidden Dragon]

Dont call her. As you said she sees world in other way than the reality is, her world is a lie. You will be sad if she says no, you will be happy when she says yes. Do you undertand where it gets to?

Also, it sounds you are in a need more than her. You need to help, you need her back. Id try to act when you are calm and know what to do - without you being needy.

Aaand: congrats on 12 weeks.

[LeftBehindGuy]

 Thank you LJ and HD.  I appreciate your responses.

   The universe is funny... I asked for help and a response and I got it.  She emailed again out of the blue today telling me again what a terrible place she is in, and how it's my fault. She also let me know she has friends visiting this weekend (no one asked) and best of all she got a new puppy dog...…. the exact same breed she left behind with me.  Everyone knows I am a sucker for puppy dogs.   This seems like classic BPD manipulation and a definite attempt to suck me back in and open the flood gates on more contact.

    This definitely gave me pause on reaching out to her.  To answer your questions LJ.  I don't know what I would hope to happen.  I imagine she would be initially grateful but would quickly turn to emotional abuse and accusations again. "Recycle" has such a negative connotation.  I don't think I would want that.  My goal is to get to a healthier place, and in time meet a new lady, get married and have kids.  I am only 40, so I feel like that could still happen for me.  Especially after her last email, I definitely feel like this FOG.   

[Lucky Jim]

This seems like classic BPD manipulation and a definite attempt to suck me back in and open the flood gates on more contact.

Hey LBG, When it feels like someone is twisting your arm, that's the time to pull back and do nothing.  Decline to react, which is what you are doing.  Take your time and formulate a response, if one is called for.  If not, let it drop.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation, but usually they just make empty threats without action.  If you call their bluff, they will usually back down.

Your goal sounds like a good one.  Yes, it's do-able with someone new, but not with your Ex.

LJ

[truthbeknown]

One of the posters meantioned the "white knight" syndrome but I a have a slightly different viewpoint on that:

I think people with bpd enmesh.  I believe they don't really know the difference between themselves and the other person.  After being with them (my theory), I believe we enmesh back and they subconsciously project their abandonment onto us by leaving us (now we know how it feels to be them because we are an extension of them).  It all makes sense to me psychologically but it doesn't feel any better.  I have to consciously remind myself of this dynamic that they used us to hurt themselves and the only way they can break free from their pain is to make us them.  It's sort've like a transference of identities.  So as I think this through sometimes it helps me to consciously work to take back ME and to remember who I AM.   To release the enmeshment and projected identity switch is a concerted effort but it is my work.  The other part of the work is to mourn the loss of what I call the "good twin"  (taken from the movie "the Prestige").    I go through parental alienation from my ex wife who has this switching tendency and the only saving grace in my last relationship is that we didn't have children together.   Having your children turn on you in addition to your lover is almost unsermountable.  I didn't think I could come back from that but I've lot a lot in the process.

[once removed]

I resisted the urge, because I know bad feelings about her are often temporary and will pass.

there were so many, so many times i felt the urge to contact my ex after we broke up.

one thing that helped me, was when someone told me that i could talk to my ex any time i wanted, and say whatever i wanted to say. i could. i had permission. i had control. it was my choice. but that now probably wasnt the best time.

in my life, never once have i acted on that sort of anxious or impulsive urge and had it go well.

and learning to restrain that urge or impulse has helped me ever since. you build more will power. you know, instinctively, that it would do no good.

but psychologically speaking, it is more effective to tell your body or mind "wait" instead of "no". this is proven. ever had a powerful craving for ice cream, or some kind of junk food? tell yourself "no" and it will heighten the craving. tell yourself "maybe ill wait until right before bed", and 95% of the time, you wont want it later.

you can contact your ex. but right now, the motivations wouldnt serve you. the result wouldnt be good. tell yourself "wait". when the time comes, youll know it, and youll be cool and confident about it, or youll give it a hard pass.