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Author Topic: Backslid today  (Read 476 times)
confusedbybdp
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« on: November 17, 2019, 06:03:25 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)
Shoot, friends!  I backslid today.  Thought I was doing so well...oh, well.  As some of you know, I am about 6 months out of an 18-month r/s with my uBPDexbf.  

It is a regular struggle for me to stay grounded, and remember the BAD times.  If I am not careful, I begin to miss the "good times" and the person I thought he was.  

During our r/s, he used to say, "don't run a background check on me..." On a lark one evening, when he was at my house, I did run a background check on him.  We laughed about it a bit.  There was a shoplifting conviction on it from a few years ago, and I asked him about it.  I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and he said that it should not have shown up bc his lawyer had said it had been expunged.

Well... about a month ago, long after we broke up, I ran another one, hoping that I would prove to myself that he was "bad news" long before we ran into each other.  I guess I wanted reassurance that I wasn't the one who had made him so unstable.  In this background check (a different company), he had  rap sheet a mile long, including multiple DUI's, driving without a license, and 2 battery charges.  Wow.

And here's where I need your help.  As I was looking at the addresses on his background check, I looked up one of the addresses on Zillow.  It turned out to be a really nice townhouse in Florida.  I don't know why it hit me so hard, except I knew that he never had more than two nickles to rub together, so I figured that he was probably living with a woman, and this was her house.  He'd done that another time for many years in a posh area of New York City.  All of a sudden I found myself jealous of someone who lived with him years before I met him!  Crap!  I know some of you have had to deal with your ex leaving you and starting a new relationship soon after your breakup.  That is understandable.  I feel like what I am feeling is ridiculous, and I wish I had never snooped around on Zillow.  I guess what it's bringing up is a feeling that I failed, while this woman, and perhaps others were able to maintain a long term relationship with him.  Of course, there's no evidence that these r/s were more successful than mine was, but my "fantasy thinking" leads me to think they may have been, and that he just was not happy with me.  That doesn't explain all the BPD behavior he exhibited (lovebombing, inability to be alone, clinging to me, crying jags, and later, raging, etc.) in our r/s, so I know I don't have a good grip on reality.  As I said, it was an unnecessary backslide and I could kick myself for it!   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2019, 07:19:00 PM »

Hi confusedbybdp,

Welcome

I guess what it's bringing up is a feeling that I failed, while this woman, and perhaps others were able to maintain a long term relationship with him.  Of course, there's no evidence that these r/s were more successful than mine was, but my "fantasy thinking" leads me to think they may have been, and that he just was not happy with me.

Don’t measure your self worth with the other women. I agree with you you’re looking at pictures but you don’t truly know what the story was, maybe they both had horrible r/s’s, maybe one did  and the other had an ok to good r/s ( for awhile )

If he has BPD it will be triggered by intimacy and the acting out and BPD behaviors are exacerbated there is no doubt about that and eventually the r/s will not be sustainable.
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« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 08:23:32 PM »

Excerpt
Of course, there's no evidence that these r/s were more successful than mine was, but my "fantasy thinking" leads me to think they may have been, and that he just was not happy with me.  That doesn't explain all the BPD behavior he exhibited (lovebombing, inability to be alone, clinging to me, crying jags, and later, raging, etc.) in our r/s, so I know I don't have a good grip on reality.  As I said, it was an unnecessary backslide and I could kick myself for it!   

i know the feeling.

my greatest fears in my recovery were things like:

shes going to marry the new guy
shes going to get pregnant
theyre going to last longer
he will do better than me

she didnt marry him or get pregnant. they did last longer, by a little over a year. i dont know exactly how they "did".

one thing ive realized is that we are all different in new relationships...for better or worse, or both. myself, ive done a little better each time.

i would ask you to consider your other previous relationships. do you have these same fears about your other partners? if theyve gone on to do better or worse, have you felt that it reflects on you as a person or partner?
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2019, 08:34:08 PM »

Thank you, Mutt.  I appreciate your input very much.  It helps ground me in reality, something that was sorely lacking in my relationship with my ex.  It is also a personal struggle of mine, as I alluded to, and I am working to address this with my T.   Although I am a loner at heart, when in a r/s, I want it to all "be okay," and will go to great lengths to try to make it work. Even when it's a losing battle... 
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 08:54:44 PM »

i would ask you to consider your other previous relationships. do you have these same fears about your other partners? if theyve gone on to do better or worse, have you felt that it reflects on you as a person or partner?

Hi once removed,

Thank you for weighing in to unburden my heart a little or perhaps it is to shake a little stardust out of my eyes.  The fears you shared are universal it seems...many of us wonder if our BPD ex's will go off to find true loves and successful relationships after wreaking havoc on us.

It's an interesting question you raise.  Actually, no.  In the case of my 7 year marriage (1990-97), we divorced, and over the past few decades have sustained a warm friendship.  I am very fond of his girlfriend, and always have been.  I was never "threatened" by their r/s, and she has added to my life, rather than taken something from it.  We even enjoy comparing notes about him in front of him, especially when he is pulling the same stuff on her as he did on me.  But it is all in good fun.  With other r/s over the years, the end of the r/s was pretty final, and there was little or no contact after, but I didn't spend any time thinking about how I might compare to their future partners.  It's interesting that there's something about my r/s with my BPD ex that raises those issues for the first time. Probably because these relationships really shake our sense of self, and we begin to lose faith in ourselves.  It takes a while to build that back, especially after their search and destroy campaigns as the r/s is ending.  Thank you again.  Your support and encouragement, along with Mutt's, means a lot to me.
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« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2019, 12:27:31 AM »

It happens. You are human. Rather than beating yourself up about it (not useful) just think about how you can protect your heart in the future. Is there a way to redirect yourself when you want to look up info on him?

If some woman has stayed with him longer than you have, it is perhaps because she has worse boundaries.
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Rev
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« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2019, 07:41:11 AM »

If some woman has stayed with him longer than you have, it is perhaps because she has worse boundaries.

I would say that this is likely true... BPD's do not change. And don't kick yourself for looking back a bit. There's an understandable need to look at things to make sense of them, like going back to a home lost in a storm, because grief is a complicated process.

I still struggle every day - not because I miss her - but because how she made me feel still sticks. My neighbour is ex-military and did time in Afghanistan. He figures that being with a BPD is worse that his PTSD because at least he can get some distance from some of the things he saw. This is something that made its way into our psyche... 

Be gentle with yourself.

Rev
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2019, 07:54:12 AM »

Thanks, forgiveness!  Yes, I'm still at the stage, Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 6 months recovery, when I need to forgive myself when (not if) I slip.  Keeping that in mind means that I can have compassion for myself, and keep moving forward.  There was a time a couple of months ago that I drove by his house.  I work in the same small town he lives in, and the best route to the highway is just beyond his house on Main St.  Before that, I had taken a side route to avoid driving by the house, and no matter how much traffic I sat in trying to turn onto the highway, I did it bc I knew that was the "healthier" choice.  Then, I started to be curious, to "slip." In the course of a week or two, I drove past his house three times, each time looking up to see if his car was there, which lights were on, etc.  I admitted this to my T. and she pleaded with me to STOP.   Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  She asked, "how are you going to feel if you see him or worse yet, see him with another woman?"  She urged me not to put myself in this position, and to practice some self-preservation.  It was good advice, and I haven't driven by his house since, no matter how convenient that route is.  I guess this Zillow snooping was kind of the same thing, without the risk of seeing him.  But, still not good for my psyche!  Time to get back on the horse, and try to protect myself from unnecessary harm. Thanks again for your comment!
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2019, 10:23:40 AM »

Excerpt
Although I am a loner at heart, when in a r/s, I want it to all "be okay," and will go to great lengths to try to make it work. Even when it's a losing battle...

Hey confused, Why to you think you bend over backwards to make a r/s work?  I did the same in my marriage, doing somersaults to please my BPDxW and make the marriage work.  Now I view this over-accommodation approach as codependent and inauthentic, because I was willing to sacrifice my needs to keep the peace and put her needs above mine, which was a losing strategy over the long run.

LJ
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2019, 04:26:18 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

And don't kick yourself for looking back a bit. There's an understandable need to look at things to make sense of them, like going back to a home lost in a storm, because grief is a complicated process.

Thanks for the kind understanding and perspective, Rev.  I think this is a smart way to look at it.  My own belief is that one of the things that makes recovery from BPD relationships so hard is that our minds are in overdrive trying to understand what happened.  It is such an alien experience.  I think of it as stepping into madness, and it's a heck of a lot easier to get into it (like the story of a frog being boiled - even tho I am a vegetarian, and shouldn't be using this analogy!) than it is to get out of it.

So...I guess my "snooping" was more of the same...still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.  The less I try to do this the better, I think.  It's healing to be on this board, and to a lesser extent to continue to learn about BPD (I think I know too much already  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).  What seems to set me back is going deeper into memories of this particular r/s, remembering the details and re-experiencing the trauma, so to speak.  I don't think I will be looking up addresses on Zillow anymore!  I don't need those images in my mind.  I am not helped by them.

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply...
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2019, 04:44:44 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Hi Lucky Jim!

Hey confused, Why do you think you bend over backwards to make a r/s work?

Boy, is that a good question!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   I guess the short answer is that I don't know any other way.  But until I figure that out, I probably should stay clear of relationships. 

My T. and I discussed co-dependency (I brought it up as a possible explanation), but she didn't think it fit in my case.  The curious thing is that, if given the choice, I would not typically partner up with anyone.  Sure, I used to when I was younger (I'm 61), but my general feeling is that it's more trouble than it's worth.  Maybe I feel that way precisely because I "try too hard."  That's worth pondering, and I appreciate your bringing it up.  Fundamentally, I have doubts about the satisfaction of male/female relationships. I think we are too different, and the power balance is very hard to correct, given centuries of power imbalance.  It may be one of those things I never quite figure out.   Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2019, 01:27:37 AM »

Excerpt
It's interesting that there's something about my r/s with my BPD ex that raises those issues for the first time.

for me, it was my first adult relationship. it was special to me. we were together for just shy of three years, and no other relationship id been in had lasted longer than three months. so there was an element of wanting it to be special to her. to...wanting, myself, to have been special. my ex jumping in a new relationship very quickly was a big blow, that on a lot of levels i took to mean "you are not special".

i think, as part of Detaching, its something to shoot for when we can face our greatest fears.

im nearly nine years out of my relationship now. it was special to me. i believe it was special to her. but life has gone on. ive met other special people. i assume that she has too.

my ex and i, as much as we loved each other and tried to make it work, were not meant to be. i would do better in the relationship now, though it isnt the relationship i would want. i suspect she would do better in the relationship now, but likewise, i know she has moved on. more than likely, there is someone out there that is better suited for my ex than i, even if it is not the relationship i would want, just as with my exes before her, there was someone out there better suited for them. likewise, there is someone better suited for me than my ex.

and by the way, it took me a very long time, maybe years, to reach that point. its just something to shoot for. i had to fundamentally learn to be okay that my ex and i had our time, and it ended, to realize that life would go on, and also, to experience it.
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