Holidays

[starbxsam]

Hello,

New member here. I can already say that I'm very grateful to have stumbled upon  bpdfamily online. After reading a handful of posts, I for once don't feel alone with this issue. My mother has BPD. She has refused to talk to any professionals or get help. I am 33, married, and an only child. My issues with her have taken a huge toll on my marriage unfortunately.

The holidays are upon us and I dread them! I'd rather just skip past Thanksgiving and Christmas than to have to deal with the drama and stress that comes with them. My parents split when I was 12. Ever since then, I've had to spend every holiday with my mom. She would never let me spend time with my dad. If I mentioned spending time with someone else for a holiday, she'd guilt me into spending it with her. She makes such a huge deal out of holidays.  She'd make me feel bad for leaving her alone. So every year, it's spent with her. My husband has compromised every year and spent it with us instead of his own family.

Fast forward to this year. My husband and I have been going through a difficult time in our marriage. This year he wants to go to his mom's for Thanksgiving. The thought of me telling my mom that I won't be spending it with her scares the living daylights out of me. I know she's going to freak out. However, I understand that by spending it with her, that's enabling her behavior, and it's only fair that my husband sees his family. I'd like to see them too.

My question is, can someone recommend how I can go about telling her that I won't be spending it with her? My only thought is to tell her I won't be spending it with her on actual Thanksgiving day but that we can do it another day. Anyone else going through something similar to this? Would love some recommendations/feedback.

[Methuen]

Hi Starbxsam

I am here to encourage you and support you in making this decision to share Thanksgiving with your husband's family.  I get how terrified you are to tell you mom.  I am dealing with these things with my mom too, but she is 83 and I am 57.  So you are years ahead of me, and I just want to affirm that you are making a good decision for you and your husband, and his family.  Sharing this news with your mom will be difficult, but could you do it either when your husband is with you, or with another person present?  She is likely to behave slightly better in that moment, if you are not alone.  Also, I am so glad you are wanting to start setting this boundary now, because you don't want to be starting on boundaries when she is 83 like my mom.  Good for you   Having said that, there are others on this board who can give more experienced advice than I for how to word this news to her (in the most Borderline friendly way possible).

[pursuingJoy]

starbxsam, welcome! So glad you found us. You're in good company!

My experience is closer to that of your husband's. It's taken a huge toll on our marriage too, and from what I've read, that is not unusual when you have a BPD parent in the mix. Many of us here are struggling with a BPD MIL or parent. We are working through this together. It can get better!

Unlike you, my H is in denial that anything is 'off' with his mom. We've been married 6 years and it feels like every year gets harder. Thankfully he's joined me in marriage counseling where we are taking baby steps, working on our communication patterns and learning to validate each other.

The holidays are upon us and I dread them!

I know holidays are rough for many and I absolutely love making the holidays special for other people. I used to find joy in including her because I knew she was lonely, but in the past 6 years, my MIL has somehow made holidays all about her. Holidays also trigger some of her less-than-delightful behavior.

I dread them now too and that makes me sad.
  

My husband has compromised every year and spent it with us instead of his own family.

I can understand how he'd want to spend it with his family, and it sounds like you validate that desire. That goes a long way.

My question is, can someone recommend how I can go about telling her that I won't be spending it with her? My only thought is to tell her I won't be spending it with her on actual Thanksgiving day but that we can do it another day. Anyone else going through something similar to this? Would love some recommendations/feedback.

We're planning two Thanksgivings this year. It's something many married couples have to do.

Friendsgiving on Thursday
Hosting a friendsgiving for our kids and several friends that don't have family. (My family lives far away.) We'll play games, eat food, and I get to maintain a tradition of giving everyone a personalized Christmas ornament.

Visiting Her on Friday
1. We are visiting her house. He likes this idea because his mom doesn't have to drive. I like it because our time with her is defined.
2. We are going to her house from 11am to 2pm. My husband doesn't like scheduling, he would rather leave the visit flexible and open-ended, because he doesn't want his mom to think we have plans, are rushing away, or limiting time with her. I've shared with him that I need a defined time to ensure that the visit is a positive one. This also matters to me because the plan we made is prioritized over any last minute needs or emotions his mom might be navigating.
3. We are bringing the food. He likes it because his mom doesn't have to worry about the meal.  I like it because the alternative is to accept her purchasing a meal - gifts come with heavy obligations.
4. We are bringing games and 'fun things' to do while we're there. He won't play with us because he'll be working around the house all day. I like it because it keeps us active and distracted in a positive way.
5. We are visiting the day after Thanksgiving because that is the only that works for all of our kids. Instead of planning Thanksgiving with his mom and letting kids fall in where they may, I got him to agree to check kids' schedules first. This also gives him a valid reason why we can't be there the day of.

I wanted to share these details in case it offers you some hope that holiday plans can work well for both of you!

Some suggestions as far as how to approach her:
1. Stay calm. Fear begets more fear.
2. Keep your language and attitude positive, focus on the yes, not the no.
3. Ground yourself in your priorities and what you want to accomplish, and remember that if she pushes.
4. Keep your message simple and repeat as necessary.

I know it's easier said than done. What you're doing takes courage! I admire your willingness to explore this option. We are here for moral support, so keep us posted on how you're feeling and what you're thinking.

pj

[Methuen]

Wow PJ, great response.  It also sounds like you and H are making some progress setting boundaries for MIL with the help of MC. So happy to hear that.  Those were really good suggestions for this topic.  We all get to learn from those details.  Thanks.