My Partner is spreading lies about me how do I deal with that?

[runningfool789]

We are in separation mode and my partner is telling our friends that I have been violent and abusive to her.  What is the best way to protect myself as that is not true?

RF789

[Newyoungfather]

Hello runningfool789,
I think we all have been there in your situation.  My social circle became smaller after I separated, if friends don't want to hear our/your side of the story then are they truly the people you want to be around.  My ex told everyone how much of a bad father I am etc, etc, it came back to bite her as some people where subpeaned in court and her crazy allegations went nowhere, her true self then came out and people understood who was lying, I know its hard at first but I have friends and family that know the truth about the relationship.  Sometimes the truth will come out in court sometimes not, my ex told everyone that I tried to kidnapped my son, that I abuse him and leave marks etc.  Truth behold intelligent people/friends/family soon realize that if I truly kidnapped my son and I beat him until he has bruises then how come I was never arrested and why do I have 50/50 custody with primary parenting time.  Furthermore my son was in play therapy and even the play therapist states there is no signs of abuse.  It's more how reasonable people can use logical reasoning rather than me to explain to them how my exbpd's lies about things.  You can't make valid points to people who aren't open to receiving them and/or have personality disorder or those who enable the abuser's tactics.

[david]

My ex actually took our son to the doctor because he had a bruise she claims I inflicted when I was angry. She sent me an email telling me what she did. I was very concerned and called my attorney. Attorney said to wait it out and see what happens. That was not a good answer for me. I called a friend that is a doctor and talked to him. He explained that if that situation happened to him at work and he suspected abuse he would call child protective services and report both parents. He saw many times that the one reporting was actually the one abusing. That made sense to me and I waited it out. About a year later we were in a custody eval and ex brought it up. The evaluator asked me about it and I said it was not true. She said she would have to call the doctor and find out. Ex did not have the phone number of the doctor but I did and gave it to the evaluator.  The next meeting the evaluator told ex she called the doc and was told nothing was ever reported. Ex insisted the doc said she called me to give me a warning. The evaluator called again to confirm and the doc said that would not happen because that was not the way the practice was run and that also was illegal. They are obligated to report to the proper authorities. Ex stood her ground and accused the doctor of lying to her ? The evaluation went in my favor.

I had people she used to work with that bumped into me shopping. They came up to me and said my ex had something wrong with her and I should stay away from her.

Eventually their true colors show.

[MeandThee29]

I had people she used to work with that bumped into me shopping. They came up to me and said my ex had something wrong with her and I should stay away from her.

Eventually their true colors show.

Mine told folks close to him that I was out-of-my mind crazy and brainwashed and more. Poor M, she needs help. That was hurtful, but my therapist told me that was entirely expected.

But keep in mind that they tend to treat their lawyers the way they treat us and view the divorce process as the last tool to destroy you. Let's just say that even amidst the h*llish pain, the experience was very validating as it finally played out.

[kells76]

Hi runningfool789;

Newyoungfather has some good insights here:

It's more how reasonable people can use logical reasoning rather than me to explain to them how my exbpd's lies about things.  You can't make valid points to people who aren't open to receiving them and/or have personality disorder or those who enable the abuser's tactics.

Sadly, there's a lot outside our control in situations like this. pwBPD (persons with BPD) do often seem to "compete" for allies in separation and divorce scenarios. My DH's xW has allied with two of his sisters and one of his aunts. That being said, if I look at how NYF's points apply:

Both of the sisters and the aunt were "primed" to hear stories of "an awful abusive man". It justified their feelings and life experiences; plus, DH was just close enough to them to be a cathartic target of their contempt and feelings of being mistreated. None of those people would be open to the valid points about DH, because they aren't open to them, based on their preconceptions and worldviews. At this point, it's not about "Well, if they just hear a logical explanation, it'd make sense that DH isn't that bad" -- they have what I'd call a "religious" commitment to their position, versus an intellectual commitment.

All that being said, runningfool789, if you have some legal concerns about the false statements, feel free to walk us through them here -- we'll help you brainstorm.

Socially and emotionally, though, it will be a sad, hard process of winnowing at first. Share with us when you feel ready about solid support that you DO have -- it's so critical.

[livednlearned]

my partner is telling our friends that I have been violent and abusive to her.  

Oof. That's a rough stage to go through. Are any of these friends people who are important to you? How we respond can depend on our ties to people and what they mean to us.

Going forward, if she is making false allegations to mutual friends, she may make them to lawyers and judges.

Are you concerned about her making these allegations in legal documents?

If so, you're probably in the best possible place on the internet for support and ideas on what you can do to protect yourself. 

Was she ever violent toward you?

[mart555]

Are you concerned about her making these allegations in legal documents?

That should be expected.  Mine did in her court filing!  She even told these lies to the kids! 

[Meandmytwins]

When this happened to me, I was initially very concerned.  I tried to combat the lies, and I was mortified.  Than I realized I was wasting time and energy.  I decided not to give a PLEASE READ and let the chips fall where they may.  Without question, acquaintances and some friends looked at me differently.  I knew my ex had gotten to them.  It was pretty uncomfortable and disheartening.  Fast forward to now, and I don’t have to say a word.  She is struggling to parent.  She can’t keep appointments, or return calls.  Totally self absorbed and an unreliable friend, parent, you name it.  My point is, your ex will reveal herself.  Focus on you and your kids and be the best supportive parent you can be.  You will be rewarded in many ways.  Otherwise you will likely be spending the rest of your day’s defending yourself.  It may never stop.