Trauma processing

[snowglobe]

As I am going through another trauma, my brain feels like a scrambled egg, which is consistent with the symptomology. Yesterday I got really scared when the panic attack I can usually ride through turned into a state of shock, with the slowed down breathing, blue fingernails and lips, shaking and shivering uncontrollably, my blood pressure and temperature plummeting down and the frozen catatonic mental stare. Today is day 7 of the silent treatment that ubpdh punished me with, after making threats about my physical safety should I come near him. It happened after I drew boundaries in terms of the consumptions of alcohol, which is facilitated for the minor child we share. As the time goes by, I find it harder and harder to cope and function, things like making dinner, running errands, self grooming and becoming increasingly hard. I want to crawl into a ball under e blanket and cry myself into oblivion. I tell myself that this isn’t about me now, but about the children. If I keep on placating him, while he threatens me in front of them, what kind of message will they internalize?. Will my daughter seek out physically abusive man who will support her, but make her life a living hell? Will my son become the perpetrator of the abuse, since that is what he saw modelled in front of him? For those reasons I clench my teeth and stay away, while ubpdh walks around with infuriated look on his face. Which is completely mind boggling. He threatened me first via text, then verbally, and he is dissatisfied with the fact that I complied?. Help me make sense of this. Perhaps he is infuriated that he no longer has the kind of control over me, that I don’t jump at his threats to stay near, at a high cost to my safety, esteem and physical health. It’s not the pain of loneliness that is exacerbating my mental state, it’s realization that tomorrow nothing will change (he told me to stay away for 8 days). I still won’t have a friend, who I can share with. I won’t have the attentive lover who pays attention to my needs. I won’t have a confidant I can be vulnerable with. I won’t have a decent coparent I can trust with the children. All I will have is a mentally ill person who has no insight, and a very lonely holidays ahead of me.   

[I Am Redeemed]

Snow globe,
I'm sorry. I remember well the panic and freezing and catatonic stare state while in my abusive marriage. There were many times I felt that I should be doing something, but I couldn't seem to figure out the best options.

There is no way to know for sure what your h is thinking. One thing I see, though, is that you are focused on his reaction to your compliance. Is he mad because you complied? Was he expecting you to beg and plead and cry for him to stop the psychological abuse of dismissing you, ignoring you? Is he mad because you didn't try to placate him? Is he still mad because you disagreed with his decision to give your daughter alcohol? Maybe all of these?

I know all to well how the hypervigilant focus on an abuser, their minds, moods, actions, can take over your life. And yes, it is a lonely, lonely place to live when you know that you do not truly have a partner.

I would encourage you to tell someone about the symptoms you are experiencing. Your family clinician that you spoke to about your h- does this clinician know the extent of the abuse and its affect on you?

Trauma can be healed, Snow globe. But as long as you continue to be retraumatized then healing will be elusive.

Please know that you are not as powerless as your traumatized mind tells you that you are.

[snowglobe]

Snow globe,
I'm sorry. I remember well the panic and freezing and catatonic stare state while in my abusive marriage. There were many times I felt that I should be doing something, but I couldn't seem to figure out the best options.

There is no way to know for sure what your h is thinking. One thing I see, though, is that you are focused on his reaction to your compliance. Is he mad because you complied? Was he expecting you to beg and plead and cry for him to stop the psychological abuse of dismissing you, ignoring you? Is he mad because you didn't try to placate him? Is he still mad because you disagreed with his decision to give your daughter alcohol? Maybe all of these?

I know all to well how the hypervigilant focus on an abuser, their minds, moods, actions, can take over your life. And yes, it is a lonely, lonely place to live when you know that you do not truly have a partner.

I would encourage you to tell someone about the symptoms you are experiencing. Your family clinician that you spoke to about your h- does this clinician know the extent of the abuse and its affect on you?

Trauma can be healed, Snow globe. But as long as you continue to be retraumatized then healing will be elusive.

Please know that you are not as powerless as your traumatized mind tells you that you are.

Redeemed, thank you for taking the time to read and post here. I do feel exceptionally lonely and defeated. I made plan to see my friend tonight, in hope of distracting myself. Then... my conversation topics eventually turn into describing by reality, which is heavy even for mental health professionals, let alone friends. It’s isolating, really to feel like my mouth is shut close with a duct tape. I can’t tell ubpdh what my needs are, or what kind of effect this abuse has on me. I can’t share with my ubpd and uhpd mother as she is getting it as a cue to start her emotional ambush of me, I can’t really share with my friends as they are done with listening to this, I wouldn’t even dare to burden my children, as it will destroy their mental health that is not equipped to deal with this trauma. Instead I rationalize and distract myself with responsibilities and chores

[babyducks]

Snowglobe,

 I think I Am Redeemed wrote an absolutely wonderful post.    I think it took a lot of effort and deep hard emotional work for her to be able to put trauma recovery that succinctly.    Let's back up and take a more thorough and thoughtful look at what she said.

There is no way to know for sure what your h is thinking. One thing I see, though, is that you are focused on his reaction to your compliance. Is he mad because you complied? Was he expecting you to beg and plead and cry for him to stop the psychological abuse of dismissing you, ignoring you? Is he mad because you didn't try to placate him? Is he still mad because you disagreed with his decision to give your daughter alcohol? Maybe all of these?

your focus on your husband comes up a lot.   it very much seems to me that you are reluctant to discuss it.     actually it very much seems to me that you are resistant to discussing it.     would you agree?     How the hypervigilant focus on an abuser, their minds, moods, actions, can take over your life is something that appears to be a struggle for you.    Do you see this as a problem?  or not?   do you think those of us who mention are wrong?    Misinformed?    

Do you believe, deep deep down,  that you are too focused on your husband, his illness and his disordered thinking?

Do you see the hypervigilant focus as a symptom of the trauma you have lived with or separate from it?

What does it feel like when you are not completely focused on him?    How would you describe it?    Good?   Bad?    Peaceful?   Empty?   Scary?  

Help me make sense of this.  

You are looking for logic where none exists.   You are looking for rational thoughts and behaviors from an irrational mind.   what ever combination of screwed up  brain chemistry and misfiring synaptic junctions exist in his head,   this makes sense to him.   that's it.   there is no magic answer.    there is no more 'knowing' to glean.

Please know that you are not as powerless as your traumatized mind tells you that you are.

Do you think your traumatized mind might be telling you that you are powerless?    and do you think your traumatized mind could be wrong?

I suspect you have heard of Beck's Cognitive Distortions.     All of us have cognitive distortions right?    The one I fight with is Catastrophizing, especially around medical things.    Let me ask another question,  of the common cognitive distortions do you see any of them as active in how you think and feel about your marriage.

I know that is a lot of questions.   Let me encourage you to take a lot of time and dig deeply into looking for answers.     I'll look forward to hearing them.

'ducks

[babyducks]

I knew we had a workshop on Beck's distortions.    Here it is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0;viewResults

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe,
your focus on your husband comes up a lot.   it very much seems to me that you are reluctant to discuss it.     actually it very much seems to me that you are resistant to discussing it.     would you agree?     How the hypervigilant focus on an abuser, their minds, moods, actions, can take over your life is something that appears to be a struggle for you.    Do you see this as a problem?  or not?   do you think those of us who mention are wrong?    Misinformed?    

Do you believe, deep deep down,  that you are too focused on your husband, his illness and his disordered thinking?

Do you see the hypervigilant focus as a symptom of the trauma you have lived with or separate from it?

What does it feel like when you are not completely focused on him?    How would you describe it?    Good?   Bad?    Peaceful?   Empty?   Scary?  

You are looking for logic where none exists.   You are looking for rational thoughts and behaviors from an irrational mind.   what ever combination of screwed up  brain chemistry and misfiring synaptic junctions exist in his head,   this makes sense to him.   that's it.   there is no magic answer.    there is no more 'knowing' to glean.

Do you think your traumatized mind might be telling you that you are powerless?    and do you think your traumatized mind could be wrong?

I suspect you have heard of Beck's Cognitive Distortions.     All of us have cognitive distortions right?    The one I fight with is Catastrophizing, especially around medical things.    Let me ask another question,  of the common cognitive distortions do you see any of them as active in how you think and feel about your marriage.

I know that is a lot of questions.   Let me encourage you to take a lot of time and dig deeply into looking for answers.     I'll look forward to hearing them.

'ducks

Ducks,
When it comes to my focus on my ubpdh it’s very hard to discuss. It feels natural like breathing or eating, staying ahead of the game, so hopefully I can stay “alive” metaphorically, and keep my family safe. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube, if only I could crack the code, things could go “into comfort zone” instead of survival zone. I think that focusing on him, is my way of trying to control the uncontrollable and “lie to myself” through wishful magical thinking. If I focus, predict and anticipate, maybe I won’t let the things get out of hand this time. Maybe I can “beat the system”?  I feel like an addict, the high is no longer bringing the solace, and I wish external factors would separate me from him. At the same time I’m scared, he is the only consistent figure in my entire adult life, who ever took care of me. I’m afraid I won’t make it without him. What’s even more frightening, I’m afraid that kids won’t make it without him. Or his resources to be exact, his protection. People don’t generally like him, admire him, but they are afraid of him, so life isn’t so bad on the “outside”. I don’t think that any of you are wrong about your concern of my hyper vigilance and obsession with him, it isn’t a healthy level of involvement. We are glued to each other in very dysfunctional coping skills ways. Maybe it is good he isn’t talking to me, I survived a week without being with him.  This hypervigilance is a coping tool I developed through prolonged exposure to trauma. I don’t have the necessary insight to verbalize or treat it independently and effectively.
When I don’t focus on him, like today- I invited a friend over, I made dinner, we went for a walk, chatted about life and had coffee- I feel empty and guilty. I feel empty because I crave him. His attention, his kindness, his involvement with me, I also feel guilty because I’m not saving our marriage from ruins. I gave up and stopped trying, instead, when he came, I turned around and went for a walk with my friend. When I came back, he was nowhere to been seen, my dad told me he went downstairs to the basement fuming. I basically made matters worse. I should have just stayed home, where he could see me and not feel threatened. By disobeying his previous wishes I made matters worse. Now, instead of 8 days I might have ruined the rest of the year, he might continue with the punishment.
Every distorted thinking has a grain of truth, I want to know that grain so I can justify this emotional torture. By rationalizing I can talk myself into Not reacting negatively to him. I’m very afraid. I’m afraid that the next step, which will come, it always does come eventually is him telling me he wants to divorce and he won’t be supporting me or the children financially.
It’s not just the traumatized mind, it’s also practical calculations and pragmatism. I need him for the next 6 years and I need to survive this time without loosing my mind.
I absolutely see distortions in my marriage; black and white thinking, all or nothing. Over generalization, if I can’t be happy with him, I will be alone forever and end up “under the bridge” as he assured me I will.

[I Am Redeemed]

When it comes to my focus on my ubpdh it’s very hard to discuss. It feels natural like breathing or eating, staying ahead of the game, so hopefully I can stay “alive” metaphorically, and keep my family safe. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube, if only I could crack the code, things could go “into comfort zone” instead of survival zone.

This is hypervigilance, Snowglobe. It is not sustainable in the long run. In short, it is you taking responsibility for your abuser.

 

I think that focusing on him, is my way of trying to control the uncontrollable and “lie to myself” through wishful magical thinking. If I focus, predict and anticipate, maybe I won’t let the things get out of hand this time. Maybe I can “beat the system”?

This is a really good analysis, Snowglobe. Think about the impact of the word "uncontrollable'. Is that sustainable? Is it futile?

Is it working? How or how not?

I feel like an addict

When I don’t focus on him, like today- I invited a friend over, I made dinner, we went for a walk, chatted about life and had coffee- I feel empty and guilty.

 When I came back, he was nowhere to been seen, my dad told me he went downstairs to the basement fuming. I basically made matters worse. I should have just stayed home, where he could see me and not feel threatened.

This is intermittent reinforcement. Yes, it is like an addiction. You did something healthy, something that could be considered self-care, and your reaction to it was to feel guilty. Your h's reaction was to pout in the basement.

He got angry because you did something that was good for you- and you now wish you would have done something different in an attempt to manage his feelings so you could receive the positive intermittent reinforcement you crave.

Put another way, this man has engaged in emotional and psychological abuse of you and your reaction to that is to wish that you had not engaged in self-care and instead tried to play your part in the game where he tosses you crumbs and you accept them gratefully.

This is part of the dysfunctional dance, part of the abuse cycle.

Listen, I get it. Believe me, I spent many years focused on my h and how I could control, manipulate, navigate, orchestrate, facilitate, whatever you want to call it, his epiphany, his breakthrough, his turnaround. I wanted him to get help, acknowledge his abuse of me, his issues, his need for serious psychiatric care. I wanted him to see the damage he caused to me, to the kids, to his extended family, to himself. I wanted a miracle. I wanted to "beat the system, the odds"- I wanted to be the hero, the martyr, the long-suffering wife who finally saw her husband see the light and come back to the land of the living from the delusional, cold, destructive land he lived in.

It didn't happen. Not because I didn't try, but because he didn't. He still won't. He is estranged from us all, living in a delusional world where everyone is to blame, the world is conspiring against him, and telling his victim story to a new woman who either doesn't know the mess she stepped into or is too messed up herself to care.

Snowglobe, please. I know it's scary. I was terrified that I couldn't make it. But you know what, I have. I will not tell you it's easy. I am not even telling you that leaving is what you should do, because that is highly personal and very complex. Just please, please, know that you are worth more than this.

You are worthy and you have value. I know that no one says that to you, not even you, so I just wanted to say it to you. It's hard for me to say it to myself, even now, such is the nature of abuse and trauma. But it is true, and it is essential for you to realize this.

Culture, upbringing, learned messages aside- You have worth and value, just as you are. Not because of who you are to someone else. Because of YOU.

I just thought you should hear that today.

[snowglobe]

This is hypervigilance, Snowglobe. It is not sustainable in the long run. In short, it is you taking responsibility for your abuser.

 
This is a really good analysis, Snowglobe. Think about the impact of the word "uncontrollable'. Is that sustainable? Is it futile?

Is it working? How or how not?

This is intermittent reinforcement. Yes, it is like an addiction. You did something healthy, something that could be considered self-care, and your reaction to it was to feel guilty. Your h's reaction was to pout in the basement.

He got angry because you did something that was good for you- and you now wish you would have done something different in an attempt to manage his feelings so you could receive the positive intermittent reinforcement you crave.

Put another way, this man has engaged in emotional and psychological abuse of you and your reaction to that is to wish that you had not engaged in self-care and instead tried to play your part in the game where he tosses you crumbs and you accept them gratefully.

This is part of the dysfunctional dance, part of the abuse cycle.

Listen, I get it. Believe me, I spent many years focused on my h and how I could control, manipulate, navigate, orchestrate, facilitate, whatever you want to call it, his epiphany, his breakthrough, his turnaround. I wanted him to get help, acknowledge his abuse of me, his issues, his need for serious psychiatric care. I wanted him to see the damage he caused to me, to the kids, to his extended family, to himself. I wanted a miracle. I wanted to "beat the system, the odds"- I wanted to be the hero, the martyr, the long-suffering wife who finally saw her husband see the light and come back to the land of the living from the delusional, cold, destructive land he lived in.

It didn't happen. Not because I didn't try, but because he didn't. He still won't. He is estranged from us all, living in a delusional world where everyone is to blame, the world is conspiring against him, and telling his victim story to a new woman who either doesn't know the mess she stepped into or is too messed up herself to care.

Snowglobe, please. I know it's scary. I was terrified that I couldn't make it. But you know what, I have. I will not tell you it's easy. I am not even telling you that leaving is what you should do, because that is highly personal and very complex. Just please, please, know that you are worth more than this.

You are worthy and you have value. I know that no one says that to you, not even you, so I just wanted to say it to you. It's hard for me to say it to myself, even now, such is the nature of abuse and trauma. But it is true, and it is essential for you to realize this.

Culture, upbringing, learned messages aside- You have worth and value, just as you are. Not because of who you are to someone else. Because of YOU.

I just thought you should hear that today.

Redeemed, your message touched me on the deepest end of my soul. If I could cry, even for myself, I would. The tears of hopelessness and maybe joy. That someone thinks I’m worth to be here, that I am loveable. I do not see myself as worthy when I’m not of service. I have not been of service for over a week. It’s something foreign and unnatural for me, not to fix things. Then I see your message, and you are here to tell your story. You made it on to the other side.  Perhaps I can stay sober for another day. It is unnatural for me not to serve him at least twice a day with food that I carefully prepare, not to touch him in some small way, not to let him know I care and love him. It’s genuine, aside from financial dependence. I know every scar, every freckle and birthmark, I can tell you in one heartbeat all the surgeries he had, books he read, movies we watched, countries we travelled. I have been his faithful companion and witness to his life. I don’t feel the same from him. Redeemed, thank you for reminding me that I have value

[babyducks]

snowglobe, snowglobe, snowglobe,

what a great message.   what a great job you did.    wonderful wonderful work.

When it comes to my focus on my ubpdh it’s very hard to discuss. It feels natural like breathing or eating, staying ahead of the game, so hopefully I can stay “alive” metaphorically, and keep my family safe.

I know it's very hard to discuss.    I understand.   We understand.   It's very brave of you to jump into this.    You are not alone.   We are here and we get it.    You don't have to do this by yourself.

Of course it feels natural like breathing and eating.   Of course it feels like survival and safety.    This is, as Redeemed so wisely said; "the cycle of abuse".    and it is a cycle.   a downward cycle.     the more you do it, the worse it gets.

It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube, if only I could crack the code, things could go “into comfort zone” instead of survival zone. I think that focusing on him, is my way of trying to control the uncontrollable and “lie to myself” through wishful magical thinking. If I focus, predict and anticipate, maybe I won’t let the things get out of hand this time. Maybe I can “beat the system”?

Control fallacies are part of Beck's Cognitive Distortions,  according to the internet "The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”   we can gently push back against this distorted thinking.    you've already started to do that by identifying it as magical thinking.   we can change that thinking to "why aren't you happy?  is it because you've done something that makes you feel bad?"

At the same time I’m scared, he is the only consistent figure in my entire adult life, who ever took care of me. I’m afraid I won’t make it without him.

I know.   It's okay to be scared.     Being frightened is a normal ordinary feeling.   Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.    Feeling frightened or scared doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with us or with the situation.   Feelings aren't accidents to be avoided or mistakes to be corrected.   They are more like... rain storms... they blow through,  make an impact for a while and they drift away.

I don’t think that any of you are wrong about your concern of my hyper vigilance and obsession with him, it isn’t a healthy level of involvement. We are glued to each other in very dysfunctional coping skills ways.

This right here.   Oh this right here.    How can we help support you to move toward a more healthy level of involvement?    What one simple thing can you do
to start peeling the glue away?

Every distorted thinking has a grain of truth

of course it does.  that's why it's effective.  that's why its hard to figure out.    but it is a grain of truth,   not an ocean's worth of sand.    

I've been told by a really smart person (Tanishka Safri)  that  hope is cognitive, not emotional. That hope begins with our thoughts, and works its magic on our emotions, soothing the jagged edges and waking our strengths. This process begins with:

•   A belief in the possibility of positive outcomes
•   Strategies for realizing those outcomes
•   The motivation to implement them

for me when I wrestle with distorted thinking hope goes away.   the future looks bleak and horrible.   I have to be reminded that hope is a decision.    maybe I can't change the future but I can change how I think about it.

Do you think there is something you can do that would help you create a belief in the possibility of future positive outcomes?

'ducks

[snowglobe]

snowglobe, snowglobe, snowglobe,

what a great message.   what a great job you did.    wonderful wonderful work.

I know it's very hard to discuss.    I understand.   We understand.   It's very brave of you to jump into this.    You are not alone.   We are here and we get it.    You don't have to do this by yourself.

Of course it feels natural like breathing and eating.   Of course it feels like survival and safety.    This is, as Redeemed so wisely said; "the cycle of abuse".    and it is a cycle.   a downward cycle.     the more you do it, the worse it gets.

Control fallacies are part of Beck's Cognitive Distortions,  according to the internet "The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”   we can gently push back against this distorted thinking.    you've already started to do that by identifying it as magical thinking.   we can change that thinking to "why aren't you happy?  is it because you've done something that makes you feel bad?"

I know.   It's okay to be scared.     Being frightened is a normal ordinary feeling.   Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.    Feeling frightened or scared doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with us or with the situation.   Feelings aren't accidents to be avoided or mistakes to be corrected.   They are more like... rain storms... they blow through,  make an impact for a while and they drift away.

This right here.   Oh this right here.    How can we help support you to move toward a more healthy level of involvement?    What one simple thing can you do
to start peeling the glue away?

of course it does.  that's why it's effective.  that's why its hard to figure out.    but it is a grain of truth,   not an ocean's worth of sand.    

I've been told by a really smart person (Tanishka Safri)  that  hope is cognitive, not emotional. That hope begins with our thoughts, and works its magic on our emotions, soothing the jagged edges and waking our strengths. This process begins with:

•   A belief in the possibility of positive outcomes
•   Strategies for realizing those outcomes
•   The motivation to implement them

for me when I wrestle with distorted thinking hope goes away.   the future looks bleak and horrible.   I have to be reminded that hope is a decision.    maybe I can't change the future but I can change how I think about it.

Do you think there is something you can do that would help you create a belief in the possibility of future positive outcomes?

'ducks

Ducks,
Thank you for pushing me forward. At the moment future seems very dark and unpredictable, yet I also know that in a world where I don’t exist (my needs, opinion, voice, experience isn’t being acknowledged by ubpdh) I have no motivation to continue. I need things to change, I need to start from a healthy place. I need to hear that what I did (stay away) isn’t selfish or bad. ThT I should not accept responsibility for abusive behaviour my ubpdh displayed, I was only doing the only right and necessary thing- keeping myself and d16 safe. I need to know that one alcohol drink can turn into him buying her many more and enrolling her into a role of his drinking buddy. I did what I had to do as a parent- protect my child from harm. I need  to tell myself that my need for safety, interests, financial well being aren’t being met. I have a person with possible multiple diagnosis who’s been running the show. This is my boundary- not being threatened with harm, I’m not violating his, it’s his choice to stay away, not speak to me. Additionally, silent treatment and withdrawal is a form of punishment, I need to get that in my head. I need to understand that he deliberately tries to hurt me and break me down emotionally, it has no advantage or plus side.
Ducks,
I don’t know what to do, all I know is I’m 7 days sober. 7 days I have not been yelled at, criticized, ridiculed, belittled, threatened. It feels unbearable but I am pushing through. This is not love, this is not marriage I want for myself

[snowglobe]

Is it ok to feel hurt, angry even? I’m angry that my life was turned upside down by ubpdh’s behaviour. This had a definitive negative impact on my health and well being. I’m also very hurt. I want him to best the consequences of his actions- you threaten - I won’t come near you until you self regulate. Now that we are almost at the day 8, what do I do? So I start talking to him tomorrow like nothing happened? Or do I wait until he makes efforts to start talking?

[babyducks]

I need to hear that what I did (stay away) isn’t selfish or bad.

what you did by staying away was absolutely NOT selfish or bad.   absolutely positively not.     

That I should not accept responsibility for abusive behaviour my ubpdh displayed.

You are not responsible for the moods, actions, thoughts or actions of your abuser.   You are being abused.   Emotionally, verbally, financially and physically.   Nothing you did or did not do caused that.    Now there is a small but significant part you are responsible for.   You are responsible to not allow the abuse to continue.    See the difference?    You are responsible to take healthy, careful, well planned and thought out steps to move away from the abuse.   that doesn't mean move out and go live at a DV shelter.   although it could mean that.   it could also mean you are responsible to not continue the abuse by not feeding into it.  to start to break the cycle by changing to more healthy responses.   having a friend over and having dinner and coffee, going for a walk is a more healthy response.  it starts to break the cycle.   Yup, it feels uncomfortable.   It's different.   It's not something you are used to.   it is self care.    it is focusing some place healthier.    it's letting go of negative thought patterns and behaviors.    can you see what I am getting at?    make sense?

I need to understand that he deliberately tries to hurt me and break me down emotionally, it has no advantage or plus side.

Yes he does.  and Much More Important yes you do.   I am a great fan of Sharie Stines, Psy,D.   I get her newsletter emailed to me.   In a strange coincidence this was in this weeks email.   

Often times, victims of abuse try to figure out how to not trigger their abuser. It is helpful to realize that many of the triggers are in the mind of the abuser him or herself, so it’s pointless to take any onus of responsibility.

One aspect of the healing journey is to look at your behaviors and how you self-sabotage your own life. One way to begin to identify patterns of self-sabotage is to notice your side of participating in a destructive relationship.  This is not victim blaming, rather it is noticing how you allow yourself to be involved in a destructive situation.

One aspect of this self-sabotage involves allowing yourself to be mistreated. Here are some ways you may self-sabotage: taking responsibility for other people’s behaviors; acting out and allowing the other person to “push your buttons;” staying around for abuse by minimizing it; staying around for abuse by fighting back; blaming yourself for another person’s poor behaviors; walking on eggshells; putting your emotional energy in a situation that is unsolvable; appeasement; playing “detective;” yelling and screaming; begging; using substances to cope…the list goes on and on.

I don’t know what to do, all I know is I’m 7 days sober. 7 days I have not been yelled at, criticized, ridiculed, belittled, threatened. It feels unbearable but I am pushing through.

what you do snowglobe is go for day 8.   8 days of not being yelled at, criticized, ridiculed, belittled or threatened.    and then you strive for day 9.  and then day 10.   and if for some reason you get yelled at,   you back up, stand up and start the count again.    it will feel unbearable.   for a while.   the pain of breaking an abusive cycle goes away.   the pain of living in an abusive cycle never goes away and only gets worse.

what do you think?    how does this look/feel to you?

[babyducks]

Is it ok to feel hurt, angry even?

yes it's okay.    it's very okay.    natural.     what you do with and about those feelings... that matters.    it matters very much.     if some one hurts me, and I get angry,  and I go out and get drunk and wreck my car... well that's not okay.  those are poor choices.   if some one hurts me and I get angry and I make the decision that I will learn how to protect myself and care for myself when upset by sharing with a therapist... that's a better choice.   see the point?

 

I want him to bear the consequences of his actions- you threaten - I won’t come near you until you self regulate. Now that we are almost at the day 8, what do I do? So I start talking to him tomorrow like nothing happened? Or do I wait until he makes efforts to start talking?

let's pull this apart and really look at it.   let's spend some time on this okay?   it's not simple.     

first him bearing the consequences of his actions... lots to unpack here.    yes he should bear the consequences of his actions,  I would suggest you want to be in the middle of the road here.  He punished you,... you don't want to continue the abuse by punishing him.   that's what Stines would call self sabotage.   you don't want to stay around for the abuse by fighting back.     

I think the consequences should be organic, meaning springing naturally from how you really think and feel.   Not induced by artificial means.

what do you want to do?   do you want to talk to him?   do you feel like going back to conversations like nothing has happened?    what would make you feel the most comfortable and most positive about you and where you are?   what could you do (or not do)  that would make you feel like you respected yourself?    don't allow yourself to act in ways you don't respect or wouldn't respect if some one else did them.

[snowglobe]

what you did by staying away was absolutely NOT selfish or bad.   absolutely positively not.     

You are not responsible for the moods, actions, thoughts or actions of your abuser.   You are being abused.   Emotionally, verbally, financially and physically.   Nothing you did or did not do caused that.    Now there is a small but significant part you are responsible for.   You are responsible to not allow the abuse to continue.    See the difference?    You are responsible to take healthy, careful, well planned and thought out steps to move away from the abuse.   that doesn't mean move out and go live at a DV shelter.   although it could mean that.   it could also mean you are responsible to not continue the abuse by not feeding into it.  to start to break the cycle by changing to more healthy responses.   having a friend over and having dinner and coffee, going for a walk is a more healthy response.  it starts to break the cycle.   Yup, it feels uncomfortable.   It's different.   It's not something you are used to.   it is self care.    it is focusing some place healthier.    it's letting go of negative thought patterns and behaviors.    can you see what I am getting at?    make sense?


Yes he does.  and Much More Important yes you do.   I am a great fan of Sharie Stines, Psy,D.   I get her newsletter emailed to me.   In a strange coincidence this was in this weeks email.   

what you do snowglobe is go for day 8.   8 days of not being yelled at, criticized, ridiculed, belittled or threatened.    and then you strive for day 9.  and then day 10.   and if for some reason you get yelled at,   you back up, stand up and start the count again.    it will feel unbearable.   for a while.   the pain of breaking an abusive cycle goes away.   the pain of living in an abusive cycle never goes away and only gets worse.

what do you think?    how does this look/feel to you?

Wow ducks,
What an emotionally charged message. Although it’s packed with a lot of information and break down, it is crystal clear. Right before I logged in here I felt like crumbling down. I read your message and it gives me hope. That one day it can be a survival story. That I can make it to the other side and keep my children safe. I’m going to the mall this morning, I have not been in a while. I won’t be buying anything expensive, as he doesn’t give me any funds (financial punishment) just something small, or just observe people as they prepare for holidays. Listen to music, see happy busy smiles. How I wish I had a holiday filled with smiles, laughter and relaxation. He doesn’t let me relax. The minute I start to relax he has to create another life/death catastrophe so all attention is on him.  I’m not responsible for his misery and illness, I did not cause it, I can’t accept and take responsibility for being abused. It stops here. What would I do if someone I loved was in this situation? I would protect them fearlessly. I will protect me and the children fearlessly

[snowglobe]

yes it's okay.    it's very okay.    natural.     what you do with and about those feelings... that matters.    it matters very much.     if some one hurts me, and I get angry,  and I go out and get drunk and wreck my car... well that's not okay.  those are poor choices.   if some one hurts me and I get angry and I make the decision that I will learn how to protect myself and care for myself when upset by sharing with a therapist... that's a better choice.   see the point?

 
let's pull this apart and really look at it.   let's spend some time on this okay?   it's not simple.     

first him bearing the consequences of his actions... lots to unpack here.    yes he should bear the consequences of his actions,  I would suggest you want to be in the middle of the road here.  He punished you,... you don't want to continue the abuse by punishing him.   that's what Stines would call self sabotage.   you don't want to stay around for the abuse by fighting back.     

I think the consequences should be organic, meaning springing naturally from how you really think and feel.   Not induced by artificial means.

what do you want to do?   do you want to talk to him?   do you feel like going back to conversations like nothing has happened?    what would make you feel the most comfortable and most positive about you and where you are?   what could you do (or not do)  that would make you feel like you respected yourself?    don't allow yourself to act in ways you don't respect or wouldn't respect if some one else did them.

Ducks,
I want apology. That would make me feel respected and see the remorse. I know I’m not getting it, so there isn’t a point to wait around. I want him to treat me nicely, which isn’t on a radar either. I want to punish him, you see?. I want him to sleep in this dirty unfinished basement that he left to, on a bare boned mattress with a flimsy blanket and a pillow, like he is one step away from being homeless. I want not to validate his narcissism of constantly shoving his body in my face, asking me “do you like what you see, am I fit?”. I want not to care about him, but I do, and it’s hurting me, and I’m resenting all the emotional, financial and verbal abuse I’m enduring. I’m also afraid he will put his hands on me at some point.

[babyducks]

He doesn’t let me relax. The minute I start to relax he has to create another life/death catastrophe so all attention is on him. 

He doesn't let you relax?   

or is it

You are so hypervigilant and focused on him you find it hard to relax?

a little of both right?

  The minute I start to relax he has to create another life/death catastrophe so all attention is on him. 

when he creates turmoil who turns all the attention on him?   you?   right?  you are in charge of what you pay attention to, right?

you are 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship.

you are 100% responsible for where you put your emotional energy?   right?

blaming is a cognitive distortion.    it keeps us from seeing other solutions.   blame is a temporary distraction not a permanent solution.

[formflier]

Snowglobe

 

Lots of good hard work in this thread!  I'm impressed.  Keep up the good work.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe

 

Lots of good hard work in this thread!  I'm impressed.  Keep up the good work.

Best,

FF

Thank you Ff,
For the first time in a very long time I can accept that I’m hurting, and I can’t change my situation. What I now CHOOSE TO CHANGE is not contributing to his abuse of me. He will do what he will do, I don’t have to make it easy or accessible to be the punching bag. If he persists, I can get appropriate agencies involved for him to stop. I choose not to be accomplice to my own demise

[formflier]

Just know that I'm cheering you on as you discover the power you have! 

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Just know that I'm cheering you on as you discover the power you have! 

Best,

FF

The feelings aren’t linear or uphill. One moment I feel empowered and then I see him and the pain shoots and resonates somewhere on the deepest level of my consciousness. Then I need to use all of my self control not to “use”. I survived the first encounter, tried to busy myself with other thibgs

[GaGrl]

Since you have described your state as "sober," can you spend some time contrasting your mental and emotional and physical clarity when sober to what happens to you when you succumb to the addiction that is your husband?

[snowglobe]

Since you have described your state as "sober," can you spend some time contrasting your mental and emotional and physical clarity when sober to what happens to you when you succumb to the addiction that is your husband?

In line with the addiction analogy, I’m willing to “put my lantern down” in terms of my values, morals and code of conduct to be with him. To keep him with me for a little longer.

[babyducks]

In line with the addiction analogy, I’m willing to “put my lantern down” in terms of my values, morals and code of conduct to be with him. To keep him with me for a little longer.

I don't understand what you mean.   You are going to do what with your values and morals?

[snowglobe]

I don't understand what you mean.   You are going to do what with your values and morals?

According Victor Frankl-existentialism, in line with Niche’s “if a person has a purpose in life, the can survive almost anything”, I was willing to put my values, morals aside, like an addict, to score another high (continue being with ubpdh).
I also realized something as a woke up today and came to a jolt. He doesn’t want anything, he is only going after inflicting the pain. In situation when the person is wrongfully mistreated, or mistake had been made, the person wants an apology, they want to sit down and clarify the situation. In my case, there is no “solution” to any given problem or disagreement. There is only “punishment”. Which substantially changes the way I process my situation. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I also realized something as a woke up today and came to a jolt. He doesn’t want anything, he is only going after inflicting the pain. In situation when the person is wrongfully mistreated, or mistake had been made, the person wants an apology, they want to sit down and clarify the situation. In my case, there is no “solution” to any given problem or disagreement. There is only “punishment”. Which substantially changes the way I process my situation. 

How would you say you are viewing your situation since this realization?

[babyducks]

I was willing to put my values, morals aside, like an addict, to score another high (continue being with ubpdh).

ahhh I understand now.   Yes, I would agree with this insight. 

In my case, there is no “solution” to any given problem or disagreement.  

and I would also agree with this insight.     I think you are spot on.   

[snowglobe]

How would you say you are viewing your situation since this realization?

There is nothing I can do to rectify the situation other then continue living and taking care of my children. I’m letting it go and will do mindful practices every time I think about it. If the person isn’t looking for a constructive collaborative manner, which I can facilitate on my end, if his end goal is control, forcefully pushing me into obedience and inflating his self-importance through seeing me in pain. I would think of a physical analogy. If someone did not want to share something with me (be that life, resources, relationships), but instead ask me to come close and then close a bear trap on my foot, just to sit back and observe me in pain. What would I do knowing that? I would not come close, I would be cautious to stay away, I would go hunt, look for resources, alliances, relationships from my family, friends and possible resource centres. I would suffer greatly, but I would not come close, as it would be self- distracting. If on the other hand he came back away from the bear trap and said “let’s talk and share” I would still be cautious but I would engage. If I felt there was no more danger to me. That was my long realization that I woke up with

[I Am Redeemed]

There is nothing I can do to rectify the situation other then continue living and taking care of my children. I’m letting it go and will do mindful practices every time I think about it. If the person isn’t looking for a constructive collaborative manner, which I can facilitate on my end, if his end goal is control, forcefully pushing me into obedience and inflating his self-importance through seeing me in pain. I would think of a physical analogy. If someone did not want to share something with me (be that life, resources, relationships), but instead ask me to come close and then close a bear trap on my foot, just to sit back and observe me in pain. What would I do knowing that? I would not come close, I would be cautious to stay away, I would go hunt, look for resources, alliances, relationships from my family, friends and possible resource centres. I would suffer greatly, but I would not come close, as it would be self- distracting. If on the other hand he came back away from the bear trap and said “let’s talk and share” I would still be cautious but I would engage. If I felt there was no more danger to me. That was my long realization that I woke up with

This is good, Snowglobe, really good. It's a painful realization, yes, but it is focusing on what you can do for yourself and your well-being. That's a proactive mindset  

It is hard to break out of the pattern we establish in an abuse cycle where we seek after the remorse and repentance of the abuser and feel that we need that to be okay. Living with the hope that one day the abuser will choose to participate constructively in the r/s can keep us pushing and pushing and pushing to make that happen, to uncover the feelings that we think are buried deep down inside the other person. It's exhausting, discouraging, depressing, and it doesn't serve us well. But it can be an obsession because we don't know any other way to proceed. We respond to the other person based on what we hope they will do, think, or feel, not what we have seen as the evidence.

What you have just outlined above is a crack in that thought pattern. Stay with that. Recognize what actions you see. People show you who they are by what they do. Respond accordingly.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341864.msg13093390#msg13093390

Thank you.