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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: When UBPDex girlfriend says sex is better with the rebound, need help with this  (Read 913 times)
Teddy007
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« on: November 28, 2019, 06:57:00 AM »

So ibeen writing alot here. And i am not going to repeat the story, typical bpd relationship with alot of lies, manipulation, cheating and so on...

She left me fo another guy about 3 months ago. I went no contact and she charmd me back about 3 weeks ago. She used another wazzupp to get in touch with me. And i could not say no...

I went to talk with her. She said that she misses me everyday and wants to come back. One thing led to another. We had sex and after sex she told me that she was having alot of great sex with the rebound guy and that she came every time! She did not come back to me. She wrote the same day in the evening that she is going to be with the new guy and blocked me... 

This haunts me. I cant get it out of my head. Its pure torture.. and all i can think about and see when i close my eyes is them having the greatest sex ever.

We had as all pbd relationships a really intesive sex life. In our 2 years togheter with ups and downs it´s the most sex i ever had with anyone i think and really freaky sometimes but the best sex i ever had. She always told me that i it was the best sex for her as well. For the first 18 months she came all the time and then it got harder for her.

So iknow that they use sex as a weapon and all of this. But why did she have to say this to me? Are they really, relationships are more then sex i know! But i need som advice on this, it´s really fudging me up.


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Hidden Dragon
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« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2019, 08:43:29 AM »

First brainstorming idea; she is ashamed about the sex she had with you. She now wants to show herself that this is past. Additionaly you are the black character now which must be punished. She knows what to do and what to tell to hurt you.

Take the old good times with you, look who she is, and forget/ move on
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zachira
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« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2019, 10:01:04 AM »

If your ex is so vested in hurting you so badly, you can be sure that she is hurting pretty badly herself, wanting you to feel the way she does.
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Rev
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« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2019, 10:23:00 AM »

So iknow that they use sex as a weapon and all of this. But why did she have to say this to me? Are they really, relationships are more then sex i know! But i need som advice on this, it´s really fudging me up. 

So - here's some advice that worked for me.

1) Do what ever it takes to have a rational reminder that the sex was and will always be fake for a BPD. My guess is that this dynamic works strongest in BPD women, for whom sex is more a mental than a physical thing.  I had a list of traits and some key articles that I would read and re-read and re-re-read until I knew them like the back of my hand. It helped me when my emotions ran a-muck

2) Do whatever you need to do to release yourself from the trauma bond that has a hold of you. Sex plays with the brain.  I did some CBT counselling and I literally forced myself to develop new habits about how I thought about our sex life. This has not been easy in the sense that it is taking longer than I had expected. I say this because in the last 6 months of our relationship, the sex was not great - not terrible - but not the rock star sex we had been having even 6 months prior. BUT - it is working for me.  I still have the memories, still think about it - but the sting is gone.

Hope this helps.

Rev
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Rev
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« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2019, 10:27:17 AM »

she is ashamed about the sex she had with you. She now wants to show herself that this is past. Additionaly you are the black character now which must be punished. She knows what to do and what to tell to hurt you.

Take the old good times with you, look who she is, and forget/ move on

Yes - I would tweak this - remove the words "with you". This leaves - "She is ashamed of the sex she had." Cognitively this really reframes the sex away from the non-BPD partner.  My BPD ex did the same to me - shamed me for the sex acts (nothing major believe me - toys and talk) that SHE introduced into our relationship.  Typical of a BPD. 

 
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Thanos

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« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2019, 01:11:25 PM »

First brainstorming idea; she is ashamed about the sex she had with you. She now wants to show herself that this is past. Additionaly you are the black character now which must be punished. She knows what to do and what to tell to hurt you.

Take the old good times with you, look who she is, and forget/ move on

+1

I feel you Teddy007, this is hard! You read my post and thank you for the support.

So I have been in both sides, but different story. Let me explain.

She used me as a weapon for her ex. Used me as a manipulation against him. To hurt his feelings, saying the same things, sex is just out of this world with Thanos etc.
When is asked why are you doing this? She replied: "To hurt his feelings, because I am bored and so I will punish him for contacting me. I saw his face how he was sad, after I told him that. It felt good."
This is just sick, sick games they are playing.

You are painted black and she is hurt. That rebound will end soon and she will be back, trust me. So prepare yourself for another rollercoaster, if you decide to go with it. But I strongly advise not to, it`s going to be even worse every time!

End of the day you make your own choices and if you have to, learn the hard way. But one day it all ends, one way or another.

Be strong my brother!

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Teddy007
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« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2019, 01:22:13 PM »

I have seen a lot of pain in my life, a lot of violence, money trouble and so on. I built my life and my character and made pretty good for my self. I lost loved once who have died. I been through tough relationships but really this... This is something else!

Sick games, sick people, sick toxic people. It really feels like this is the worst thing i have ever been through in my life. You just think you are going crazy. Let´s just hope for my sake that she is done with me. If she would come behind my door, i would open and let her in to my home and my arms once again and would just fudge up my head more. Never felt so out of control in my whole life. I am 36 and she is 28...

Tanos thanks brother, lifting the weights hard is the only thing that helps! I have feeling you know this!
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zachira
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« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2019, 01:29:34 PM »

I don't know if what I am about to say is any way helpful. What I have experienced with the worst relationships, is that I can't stop thinking  about them in contrast to the healthier ones that end taking into consideration the feelings of both partners with love and respect. Somehow the dysfunctional people are masters of deceit and like having someone hooked on them before dumping them.
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Thanos

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« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2019, 02:24:39 PM »

Looks like you have made your mind. Then be prepared, and you will learn that nothing is going to change, but that is important step to the right direction. I had allways some hope inside me, that she will be "cured". Hope is keeping us going forward, but at one point that hope changes perspective and you will see that there is alot more than her.
It is hard, I know the feeling going crazy. I allmost felt like I am going to die, one point I had blood in my stool. I lost 10 kg and it wasnt fat. I looked 10 years older. BUT day by day, I felt better, nightmares didn`t come so often. 3 months NC and I was starting to eat normally, hit the gym. My face was looking better. I felt alive again.
Trust me I know what hell is, I`ve been there. You will survive, I know that!

I will give you one more story before I go to bed.

She withheld sex to manipulate me, nothing new for BPD. She is addicted to porn and uses her vibrator to get herself off. So one point we where having some talk that our sexlife has been going down. I asked her if there is something wrong, as I am sure she is watching porn but we don`t have any sex. She said she was bored of me, maybe we don`t match sexually. Same person telling me that, who had been having greatest sex with me, as she stated.
So few days later I was trying to make a mood at our living room, she was distant so i didn`t bother trying. So I said lets watch TV and cuddle. On point she said, she is tired and is going to bed. I said goodnight darling and off she went. About half hours later she came out from the bedroom, went to the bathroom (Bedroom door was next to our livingroom so I can see her directly). She had her vibrator in our bathroom closet.
Minutes later she comes out from the bathroom, vibrator in her hand. And before she goes to bedroom, she looks at me in the eyes, with those damnable eyes and says: "Good night honey"
I was filled with anger, how can she do that to me? She knew we talked about it few days ago, how i felt.

I went to the bedroom and asked why is she doing this to me. And she laughed to my face with a cunning face: "Look how insecure you are".

Long story short, we had a fight and I said I can`t take this anymore. Went to the other bedroom. Day later she cries and asks me for forgiveness. When i asked why did you do that, she said "I don`t know, I really don`t".




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Cromwell
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« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2019, 05:42:19 PM »

The issue that solved this for me was despite the sexual chemistry being there being a pull at recycles it started to put into my mind that it was the emotional equivalence of simply an unpaid prostitute in terms of a sexual outlet as an equivalence to her other proclivities.

They tell everyone it is the best they ever have.

It's the best because it is new, along with it a new brain to start filling with every well rehearsed word to keep an attachment.

Because being alone means to no longer exist. If everyone in the past is painted black then the sex with them is also. It is blanket broad brush. So it stands to reason that anything next will be the best.

The imagining her having sex with the new guy is part missing the sex part made to feel less than the other, these type of 'women know this (how to wind up guys natural competitiveness) its not hard to do, it is rooted in primal thinking.

Using the more evolved part of the brain try to see wider scope you weren't the first and you will definitely not be the last just passing through
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Teddy007
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« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2019, 06:59:14 PM »

thanx guys for all the support really. Just the mind is a crazy thing. The ups and downs are chaos and you need to function in everyday life. This is a struggle...
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« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2019, 08:10:32 PM »

Excerpt
these type of 'women know this (how to wind up guys natural competitiveness) its not hard to do, it is rooted in primal thinking

The thing is that they learned this through practice and likely many failures in their past (remember shaky relationships are a defining characteristic). If you had enough contact with bpd you would start thinking about what "works" with them, like they learn what works with us.

Unfortunately the easiest way is to give in, but thats dysfunctional. The next best thing is to know where their behaviour is coming from and react accordingly, this is what we are doing here.

I've read thats a characteristic of codependents as well, but instead of focusing on ourselves like the bpd does, we focus on the other, and it works too, but just like with bpd, its at its very core, selfish.

What I'm saying is, know their playbook, come up with counterplay. As "confusing" as it is for new people stumbling into it, the stories, their "methods", are remarkably similar.

Like everything in life, learn and practice survival/first aid/self care before you actually need it.
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Rev
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« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2019, 08:23:10 PM »

Like everything in life, learn and practice survival/first aid/self care
 before you actually need it.

Filed under: If only I knew then what I know now ... in the wake of what I lived these past 5 years,  I have made it part of my mission to help men come out of the shadows of this psychological manipulation that can so easily slip into abuse.

Rev

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40days_in_desert
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« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2019, 09:56:32 PM »

What she said to you was pretty cruel. She seems to know how to hurt a guy. Pretty much every one of us guys know how that would feel. From what you said about how your sex life started in the beginning, the same thing will happen to this rebound guy down the road when she moves on to the next. Then he'll be the one "inferior" to the next new guy. The same thing could have possibly happened to the guy before you. It's not you or your ability to satisfy a woman sexually.
I know that it hurts and that is perfectly normal to be hurting after something like that was said to you. The issue is hers.
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
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« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2019, 04:40:10 PM »

Look, this is not even just a BPD thing. Women will use this tactic against you regardless of if they have a disorder or not. Women who have vindictive intent go for the balls so to speak because they know it will wound your pride. The best you thing you can do is look at it like this as a man...no matter what she says you still had sex so if you aren't so good then what does that say about her? Honestly, never worry about stacking up to someone else. Who cares. Life is too short to get drawn into that kind of BS.

Additionally, take a different perspective here man. If she was coming back to you then evidently its all a stunt that new guy is better and it is intended to hurt you so you lose confidence and don't go out and find someone better. Quit worrying about them having great sex. Actually what you should be doing is thinking...ha poor sucker you have no idea what you are in for now. Your watch has ended. Onto better things and better quality women who appreciate you. Not only that but focus on women who don't place such a high value on sex. Seriously no woman's vagina is god's gift to man. Take sex out of the equation and then how awesome is she? Seriously think about that.

Cheers and best wishes!
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« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2019, 04:46:29 PM »

Look, this is not even just a BPD thing. Women will use this tactic against you regardless of if they have a disorder or not. Women who have vindictive intent go for the balls so to speak because they know it will wound your pride. The best you thing you can do is look at it like this as a man...no matter what she says you still had sex so if you aren't so good then what does that say about her? Honestly, never worry about stacking up to someone else. Who cares. Life is too short to get drawn into that kind of BS.

Additionally, take a different perspective here man. If she was coming back to you then evidently its all a stunt that new guy is better and it is intended to hurt you so you lose confidence and don't go out and find someone better. Quit worrying about them having great sex. Actually what you should be doing is thinking...ha poor sucker you have no idea what you are in for now. Your watch has ended. Onto better things and better quality women who appreciate you. Not only that but focus on women who don't place such a high value on sex. Seriously no woman's vagina is god's gift to man. Take sex out of the equation and then how awesome is she? Seriously think about that.

Cheers and best wishes!


Man you are on fire  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Seriously that line is a game changer!

Cheers legend!
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Rev
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« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2019, 04:56:01 PM »

Look, this is not even just a BPD thing. Women will use this tactic against you regardless of if they have a disorder or not. Women who have vindictive intent go for the balls so to speak because they know it will wound your pride. The best you thing you can do is look at it like this as a man...no matter what she says you still had sex so if you aren't so good then what does that say about her? Honestly, never worry about stacking up to someone else. Who cares. Life is too short to get drawn into that kind of BS.

Additionally, take a different perspective here man. If she was coming back to you then evidently its all a stunt that new guy is better and it is intended to hurt you so you lose confidence and don't go out and find someone better. Quit worrying about them having great sex. Actually what you should be doing is thinking...ha poor sucker you have no idea what you are in for now. Your watch has ended. Onto better things and better quality women who appreciate you. Not only that but focus on women who don't place such a high value on sex. Seriously no woman's vagina is god's gift to man. Take sex out of the equation and then how awesome is she? Seriously think about that.

Cheers and best wishes!


THIS ... is one for the ages.   A total game changer and Thanos says.  AWESOME>
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« Reply #17 on: November 29, 2019, 06:03:12 PM »

We had sex and after sex she told me that she was having alot of great sex with the rebound guy and that she came every time!

Do you actually know the person she is referring to?
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2019, 04:51:01 AM »

[quote/]

1) Do what ever it takes to have a rational reminder that the sex was and will always be fake for a BPD.

[/quote]

Agree. BPD sex is fake, as in not real. Don't get hooked up on it. You were the shiny new toy once, now it's somebody else. And after that, it will be somebody else again. She was never yours... it was just your turn and now it somebody else's turn.
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« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2019, 02:06:12 AM »

Aussie I agree with your sentiments here.

Teddy, dehumanize her. Metaphorically speaking think of her as a door knob as in everyone will turn that knob or everyone will have their turn. Does that sound terrible...yes that it does. My intent here is to completely remove the human element here and the ideal of possession. I am by no means demeaning women as a whole nor am I attacking the person. The point in the exercise is to break this down to a level where you can make this innocuous and laugh at it as in wow why did I make this a bigger deal than necessary? Do that and this process will get much easier.

Cheers!
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Rev
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« Reply #20 on: December 08, 2019, 06:36:37 AM »

The point in the exercise is to break this down to a level where you can make this innocuous and laugh at it as in wow why did I make this a bigger deal than necessary? Do that and this process will get much easier.

Cheers!

Great focus... It's been a really tough week for me personally. I've remained in neutral for most of the week as a levee holding back a whole bunch of negative thoughts finally broke.  Now that it has and I am "drying off" so to speak, and it being Sunday - I'm going to take this along with me.  Thanks.

Rev

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« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2019, 07:52:38 AM »

If my ex would ever have had the slightest insight into my post-relationship private cartoonification/mockery of her, youd all know about it. There would be the equiavalent richter scale earth shaking stuff of an LA fault rupture.

But they are just that, private thoughts, own them, they are yours, be creative if you wish - I recommend it and it is a staple go-to for people who work occupationally in high emotive stress environments, emergency services, medical staff, mortuary workers. It is for many a must-do, to deflate the pressure of what otherwise is oppressive, unhealthy, depression inducing and disturbing.

You dont need to digest that pill in that form, modify it first it is one example of stuff we can do. Change the things that can be changed dont bother to try to change what cannot.

sinister: apologising for thinking of a pedestrian turned over door knob to the point of breakage? I already suspect/ know that this is the family friendly open public board sanitised version? am I right? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) thanks.
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