Part 2: What was I thinking, what was I thinking

[Blueskyday]

Moderator note: This thread is a continuation of
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341378.0#lastPost]

 
I got another message. A coherent measage. I have to say I was surprised.
She can't work alone so they may cancel her shift if no one else works. ( She is desperate to avoid the child I gather)
If she doesn't work then she won't wake the child so early.

That all makes sense to me. I don't mind that .

She said I can keep the child for as long as I want. It makes me happy and it makes me sad at the same time.

Last week the little one bravely made an attempt to clear the air , talk about her feelings in order to be closer to her Mother. Her Mother can not see her.

Interestingly, her Father ( my dtr's) who abandoned her long before he physically left the country was the same with her. He was always distracted, uninterested and out of reach. He wasn't mean to her tho. He was ambivalent. He was totally obsessed and attentive to me. This created a competitive issue with me. She saw me as an obstacle.

I think this is the root of her BPD and abandonment. My Sister was/is perhaps a psychopath. She also has BPD. I saw her shake a baby when I was 7 as it wouldn't stop crying . I think there is a bit of genetics at play although my dtr is not violent.

I also made mistakes. My Mother died and 8 months later my partner died in my arms. I was a mess. It lasted a good while
I apologised for my faults, my mistakes and tried and tried to give her a better life. She is stuck replaying old hurts. There is a void nothing can fill.

How sad for us all!

 Nevertheless I have explained to the child Mum is going through some stuff. She child already knows but I feel its important to validate her perception. She is so switched on. I am determined to break the cycle.

I placed an ad to make friends and have been contacted by a lady who has 2 kids .We are meeting this weekend with the kids weather permitting.

We do what we can ...baby steps

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

My goodness, you have been through quite a lot with your family. Yet you keep on rising above it bringing love and stability to whomever is open to it, particularly your granddaughter. Those baby steps are sure to lead to great strides.

[Blueskyday]

So much Faith, too much
 My brother took his own life when he was 24. I was 21. I have not seen my sister since my Mother's funeral 24 yrs ago. This aint my first Rodeo .

We look forward. When my partner was dying another patient's husband took my hand and said. " Life is good". I was so upset as we were suffering so. I didnt get it. He was wise.He was right. Life is a beautiful gift.

I have a sculpting above my bed " Life is good". I will never forget him.

I am going to help the homeless as I am so grateful for my little home, my sanctuary . I am grateful for my little one. I have suffered I will suffer but I am blessed. I have to pay it forward

[FaithHopeLove]

I also find that being thankful for what I have even in the midst of suffering is so important. I will be staying tuned to see how things go with your gd and your work with the homeless.