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Author Topic: Years of unpredictable behaviour  (Read 542 times)
Jazzy48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« on: October 24, 2019, 08:15:28 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

For years I have experienced unpredictable behaviour and (at times) emotional abuse from my child - culminating recently in a request that I do not contact her more than once a month because it causes too much pressure on her. I am accused of pushing her away, of not responding to her electronic correspondence (a text at 11:30 pm on Mother's Day and an email saying she could not suggest a restaurant near her) - our subsequent conversation culminated in me being verbally beaten up for something I "should" have said to her 30 years ago when her father and I separated. 

I went to see a counsellor about this - although my head tells me I am not to blame for the extremes of emotion and unrealistic demands, my heart cries out for my daughter who I love and who obviously is in pain and in need of help - I feel so guilty about unknown things that I should / shouldn't have said or done. The counsellor suggested she may have BPD and recommended "Stop Walking On Eggshells" which is giving me a great deal of insight into what might be going on - and is helping me feel less guilty, but not helping me feel less pain and sadness about the situation.

I had a great relationship with my (late) Mum and I know my daughter longs for the same sort of relationship with me - but then sabotages it and attacks me about whatever her trigger is that day

I hope by joining this group I may continue to gain insight and receive some support as I navigate this troubling situation...
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2019, 01:19:26 AM »

Hi Jazzy
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. This is the right place to get the information and support you need.

I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. Whether you are "to blame" or not it is good you are in therapy. It will help you take care of yourself and that is the important first step to improving your relationship with your daughter.

Lots of us here, including me, know what it is like to be attacked verbally or electronically by our children. I am really glad counseling has helped you get over feeling guilty about whatever did or did not occur. The pain and sadness take some time to learn to cope with. I still feel those things too and probably always will but I am learning to accept and live with these feelings. I hope that in time you will too.

How do you feel about your daughter's request that you only contact her once a month? Do you think you can honor that? Is it possible a little distance might do you both good at this point?

We are all here for you

Hugs
Faith



 
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Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2019, 10:20:55 AM »

Hi Jazzy48... Welcome new member (click to insert in post)...welcome.

A lot of what you have written in your post could have been written by me.  I shake my head when I think back on all the years I have been subjected to what you refer to as "unpredictable behaviour...emotional abuse" from my daughter.  I have to add here that it is me, not my husband (her father), who is the target of her rages when they happen.  It is amazing that we have kept this marriage together through her "divide-and-conquer" compaigns.

Sounds as if your daughter, like mine, has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but the counsellors we have met up with have suggested the same.  The check marks are pretty well all there.

Yes, the pain!  I know of the pain you feel.  I know of the guilt, too.  That pain and that guilt came together to render me as a victim...just what my daughter wanted me to be.  What was playing out had to be changed and she certainly wasn't about to be the one to make changes.  It had to be...me.  That will have to be the case for you, too.

My daughter has never taken responsibility for any of the ills of life that have beset her.  She landed so many of them on my lap.  I, as her Mom, didn't do this.  I didn't do that.  My strength came when I just started to refuse ownership of her mistakes.

So now your daughter is setting boundaries and that is something you should respect.  Setting your own boundaries is something to start thinking about, too.  I am not talking about a "tit-for-tat"...a "you-do-this-then-I'll-do-that."  It is you thinking about what makes you uncomfortable...what you are willing to accept from her and what you are not.

Believe me when I write you have come to a wonderful starting point here.  Information abounds on how to better deal with these difficult people in our lives and there are links to more.  It can be very uplifting to share and then feel the support along a path of healing and better tomorrows.  Your daughter will always be a part of your life...but make her only one part.

Hope you keep sharing, Jazzy48.  I know that besides me, many others here nod their heads when they read your story.

Huat
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Jazzy48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2019, 07:46:55 PM »

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate them

My daughter's "boundary" of contact once a month seems to have relieved the "pressure" she was feeling - the last 2 calls have been uneventful - I think because she feels in control. I am still not happy about it, especially because at the moment I am going through some health issues where I may need to call on my family for some support - I have flagged it with her by text and in our last phone conversation but until I know more about what may be required I have not told her any more - simply because I do not know what lies ahead (I just got out of hospital this morning after an exploratory procedure) - it is all in the early stages at present. I am torn between wanting to keep my family fully informed and potentially triggering another outburst / episode by my daughter...

I have started working my way through "Walking on Eggshells Workbook" to try and get to a stage where I can set my boundaries, too, about what I will accept in her behaviour

Thank you once again for walking with me on this "journey" - it is good to know I am not alone (or going mad!)
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FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2019, 08:34:04 PM »

I am sorry to hear about your health challenges. On top of everything else that is a lot to deal with. I would be careful about what you tell your daughter. People with BPD have a deep fear of abandonment.  Knowing a parent is in ill health can really trigger that fear. When my husband had cancer (He is fine now.) my bod son was terrified and had to be hospitalized because of self harm. He tried to be supportive but it was just too much for him to process. I say that to prepare you not scare you. Instead of counting on your daughter it may be better to rely on other family members and friends for the support you need. Of course you also have us.
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Jazzy48

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2019, 12:46:53 AM »

I have received a diagnosis of cancer and have my first oncologist appointment tomorrow. I felt it important to keep all my family fully informed, including my daughter - to my amazement, she has cleared her diary and will accompany me to the appointment and we can discuss the responses to my very extensive list of questions. She has also suggested that, after the inevitable surgery, she will arrange to live near me for a few weeks (not with me!) and provide me with whatever support I need in terms of meals, help around the house, pet care etc until I am back on my feet. Maybe this is the start of a healing process between us - I can only hope...
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FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2019, 03:37:10 AM »

Oh Jazzy
My heart dropped reading that first line. But then I saw the rest and thought about how good can come out of the most painful of circumstances. Thanks for keeping us updated. We are here to support you however we can. My prayers are with you.
 
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Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2019, 02:07:47 PM »

Hello again Jazzy48! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I keep an eye on this forum and now as I read through, there is another post from you. 

I am so sorry to read that you have been diagnosed with cancer.  That "C" word can bring on instant fear but statistics show that detection-treatment-recovery rates are high and improving steadily.

I smile when I read the rest of your post about how your daughter is now stepping up to the plate to help you.   Way to go! (click to insert in post)  It is so true that God works in mysterious ways.

Stick with us, Jazzy48.   What with all this happening, there are going to be many emotions swirling around inside you.  Let off steam...put your fingers on that keyboard and let us walk with you.

Many, many ((HUGS) for you...

...from...Huat With affection (click to insert in post)

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