I’ve done everything wrong

[Masang M]

My bpdH still has an issue with telling the truth. No matter how hard I try to reassure him he still lies. Right now I am emotionally a wreak and making things worse. I keep pushing him which is so wrong but I’m so tired of the rollercoaster. I don’t have a support system and can only afford therapy once a month so we can pay for his. I really want to leave but can’t as I work part time and go to school. I don’t know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Masang M, I'm so sorry you're going through this.     I know you're in a painful situation right now. Not having a support system or adequate access to therapy can really leave you high and dry. I know we're not therapy or an in-person loved one, but we are here for you.

How is his progress with DBT, and how is your job situation?

[Masang M]

Thank you!
 I finally found a great job! DBT is momentarily on hold. He is switching clinics due to insurance and an unhealthy attachment that started to develop with his therapist. I am hopeful with this new clinic as they have several therapists that work with BPD specifically with 15 or more years of experience. I am going to see if any of the therapists there work with spouses of bpd's.
I feel bad about yesterday because I totally lost my cool and said some pretty mean things just to get a reaction from him, which didn't help anything, he went to his child-self and pretty much remained there until last night. Things are a little better today but I struggle with trusting him. I know he doesn't want to be this way or hurt me, and he is willing to work at changing his thought process, but sometimes being the support person becomes very overwhelming. All I can do is learn from yesterday start over today and try again.

[pursuingJoy]

Masang I've made mistakes too.      I suppose we will both make more in the future. We are doing our best to get through this. It really is super difficult to be in the support role.

Excellent news on the good job! Congratulations!      I'm really hoping the new clinic works out well for y'all too.

What was your husband lying about?

[Masang M]

When he self-harms he lies. I know he feels shame and guilt around it but it also causes him to disassociate which can lead to more self-harm.

[pursuingJoy]

How does his lying make you feel?

[Masang M]

I understand the shame and guilt he has and why he does it. But it does make me angry and afraid, the potential fallout from his self harming can have consequences. If he can start to trust me a little then maybe we can put a crisis plan together so when I see the signs we can implement it.
Right now he is using one of his DBT skills to evaluate his triggers hopefully this can move us in the right direction.

Thank you for your support! I really needed this!

[pursuingJoy]

I know firsthand how scary it can be to hear a loved one talk about or engage in self-harm. It's important to work towards and land on Wise Mind, which will help you find that difficult balance between managing intense emotions like fear and anger, but also effectively help.

You can do this. You're doing a great job of accepting and assessing your own feelings. I have no doubt that you want to see him in a better place. I do love the idea of putting a crisis plan together. Maybe something to check in with the therapist about?

[Masang M]

I know wisemind is where I should be, its much easier with everyone else. I think it’s because I don’t have a close relationship with them. Work in progress.
Fortunately I have training in crisis planning as an advocate so we can do one until he sees his new therapist and then it can be revamped as she thinks. I’m trying to be patient and supportive until he meets with her on the 16. A lot of prayer is what I have been doing it does help keep me calm.

[once removed]

My bpdH still has an issue with telling the truth. No matter how hard I try to reassure him he still lies.

self harming is something i didnt have to live with from my partner. i can only imagine.

is he lying about things apart from that?

how are you trying to reassure him?

tell us more.

[Masang M]

Yes, that is the only thing he lies about in recent years. We have realized his self-harm is a way he self-soothes. He becomes overwhelmed with emotions when he gets stuck in child-self and he relapses into self-harm.

I reassure him that I'm not upset about his actions but the need to lie. I let him know I understand that self-harm causes great shame and I understand why he doesn't want to tell me. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Usually, he feels so guilty he eventually will tell me.

[pursuingJoy]

I know wisemind is where I should be, its much easier with everyone else. I think it’s because I don’t have a close relationship with them. Work in progress.
 

I completely understand this and have realized the same with my husband. If it was anyone else, I would have no question about how to respond. I think it's because feel like I have a lot more on the line in this relationship.

My husband hides information from me, and it hurts me too. I'm realizing that the only thing I can control is how I respond to what he does bring me. I can encourage him to share and be a safe space for him.

Let's continue to be patient with ourselves and plug ahead! You have a lot on your plate and you're doing great. Keep us posted on the development of a crisis plan, I think that's a very productive task you can put your mind to.