His awful hygiene is killing me Part 3

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341616.0

NotWendy,

I struggle setting boundaries with him.  I can't even explain how weird the conversation becomes when I try to talk to him like one would with any adult.  He's totally unreasonable.  Twists things around, comes up with the most unbelievable comparisons.   I've been saying for a long time that it's like trying to have an adult discussion with a 5 year old.   Actually,  it's more like trying to have one with a 5 year old mentally handicapped kid.  I've never experienced anything like it.

[Perdita]

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341616.0

NotWendy,

I struggle setting boundaries with him.  I can't even explain how weird the conversation becomes when I try to talk to him like one would with any adult.  He's totally unreasonable.  Twists things around, comes up with the most unbelievable comparisons.   I've been saying for a long time that it's like trying to have an adult discussion with a 5 year old.   Actually,  it's more like trying to have one with a 5 year old mentally handicapped kid.  I've never experienced anything like it.

[Notwendy]

Boundaries are not about expecting him to understand or comply. They are entirely based on your responses. You should say something, but what you do isn't dependent on his response. They aren't even personal about him. They are your values.

If your boundary is " I don't want to have sex " then don't have sex. He may have a fit, plead, call you names, whatever, but the boundary is about YOU.

I understand your situation as I have a severely BPD mother who acts like a 4 year old when she doesn't get her way. It doesn't make any difference how I explain my boundaries to her. She doesn't follow them. I have seen her pitch a fit when I say no to her, call me names, paint me black to her relatives. Basically it's like an adult having a temper tantrum. If a toddler is having a tantrum because he didn't get a cookie before dinner- do you give him the cookie, or try to explain? No, you stick to the rules, no cookies before dinner.

If your BF is acting like a 5 year old that doesn't change the boundaries, or your values, or your feelings. You are in charge of what you do- whether or not he likes it.

[formflier]

It appears to me the boundary is whether or not to share a shower with someone and if you decide to share a shower, what is allowable sanitary activity  in that shower.

If the other person doesn't share your values/habits regarding sanitation in the shower, then the only real boundary/decision is to NOT share a shower with them.

So it would appear to me there are two basic choices that Perdita has.

1.  Find a way to do the work to be ok with his shower habits (and the deception surrounding them)

2.  Not share a shower with him.

Anything else I can think of involves his compliance or non-compliance

Can anyone think of something I'm missing?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

FF, bathing instead of showering is much more time consuming for me, but the only other option since there is only one shower. I am feeling a lot of resentment towards him due to him constantly doing things that end up making my life harder whereas I have always done what I can to make his easier.

NotWendy, I get what you are saying, but how do I handle things like him constantly leaving the doors unlocked at night when he goes to sleep?  He is up later than I am due to him smoking outside until what time.   I can't lie awake at night worrying about this, but I do.  Tonight he went to sleep after me and I went and checked and once again he didn't lock up.  Also the kitchen is a mess again.  I don't know how to deal with those things.  They don't seem like things I can set boundaries for.

[formflier]

FF, bathing instead of showering is much more time consuming for me, but the only other option since there is only one shower. I am feeling a lot of resentment towards him due to him constantly doing things that end up making my life harder whereas I have always done what I can to make his easier.
 

There are other showers in different houses and apartments...right?

If the person you are living with won't allow you to clean yourself in a sanitary manner, perhaps the boundary you need is who you are going to live with.

Perhaps you will have a better time with your boyfriend if your relationship doesn't involve each other's sanitary desires and deception surrounding those needs.

Frankly, this seems very stressful and I've got to imagine that removing that stress from the relationship would be beneficial.

What do you think?

I get it he may not think it reasonable, but this is about you and not him.   

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

FF, I haven't showered here all week.   Unfortunately I soon won't have the
other opton for a while month.  Moving out isn't that easy at this point or I'd be gone by now.

I have told him that since it's so hard for him to wipe, he needs to trim things.  He is very hairy and we spoke about this months ago.  Trimming is about good hygiene.  I brought it up again tonight and he said he will buy a clipper tomorrow,  but he's been saying that for months. I feel he will be able to wipe his as$ better if he does something about all that hair.

I am frustrated by his unwillingness to change his bad habits.  The things he keeps doing really should have stopped by now.  It makes me wonder if he is being spiteful or if he is mentally slow.

I feel myself and this house, that I am working so hard on to make into a home, is being totally disrespected by him.  I think him pooping in the shower is his way of showing how little he cares for me and the house.

[formflier]

I have told him that since it's so hard for him to wipe, he needs to trim things.  He is very hairy and we spoke about this months ago.  

Did he ask your for advice on him trimming or bathroom habits?  How did this come up?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  I think him pooping in the shower is his way of showing how little he cares for me and the house.

I tend to agree with you.

Wouldn't this be something to gain clarity on as you sort out how to handle your sanitary needs?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Did he ask your for advice on him trimming or bathroom habits?  How did this come up?

The subject came up months ago when he went for an injection in the bum cheek and the guy commented on how hairy he is and he got angry. I told him, but it is a problem for?  He said yes. Then I discovered recently that he pooped when the paper at the loo was finished and he didn't open the spare.  He took a shower right after. This was when he admitted he doesn't wipe and instead washes off in the shower.   He promised never to do that again, but I think it was within 2 weeks that I found the poop. Anyway, when he admitted to not wiping I told him that he really needs to trim to make things easier.

I heard him again in the bathroom moments ago.  Could smell he was pooping. Didn't hear him using toilet paper. After he flushed he got in the shower. Before leaving the house I heard him open and close the shower door as if to check for traces that might give him away.

[Perdita]

I tend to agree with you.

Wouldn't this be something to gain clarity on as you sort out how to handle your sanitary needs?

Best,

FF

FF, the moment I try to have a serious conversation with him about anything he goes ballistic and tells me he doesn't want to hear it.

I am going to bring the subject up again today, but this time I will secretly record it.  At this point I am not going to risk him telling someone,  for example,  that I have been the one pooping in the shower.   I want my own evidence.  

This whole thing is starting to feel like a form of abuse to me.

[Perdita]

I went to check and even though he pooped this morning and yesterday,  the paper roll has stayed the same.

[Perdita]

Sorry for all the posts.  I just remembered something else. 

I have a bedroom in the house where I keep all my clothes etc.  (He has one to himself as well and it's a mess).  My room is the en suite with the tub.  I sleep in that room when I am sick, at the start of my monthly,  when he needs to get up extra early for out of town business trips, and when I am alone at the house overnight. The rest of the time I use that loo (never his) and I use that bathroom to get ready for the day wtc.

At some point this year, I was busy one night going back and forth between that bedroom and the ensuite when heard him right at the window. He urinated in front of the bedroom window on the ground there and the wall beneath the window.   I asked him what the heck he was doing.  He apologized and said that was wrong and he won't do it again.   

Yet recently we were on the back porch in the evening and he headed that way saying he needs to urinate.   Oddly enough I didn't think about the previous incident at that moment.   My first reaction was that he needed to get away from there.   We have lights there. We have a high boundary wall there, but the neighbour's property is elevated at that spot leading to their garage from their backyard.   A bachelor lived there until recently,  but last month a couple with a teenage daughter moved in.  He heard the man's voice as he was about to urinate and quickly made his way to another section of the garden.

There is definitely something psychologically wrong here and it's directed at me.  Sorry. He just got home.

[Notwendy]

Perdita, again, I encourage you to focus on you, your feelings, and what you want to do.

This reminds me of a spouse of an alcoholic. The spouse is caring and concerned, and is constantly checking to see if their partner is drinking. The partner might say something about stopping, but the spouse looks for empty bottles, smell of alcohol. The focus is to get the person to stop drinking, but that is entirely up to the alcoholic to decide. The spouse has zero control of this, yet still is worried and stressed and constantly checking on them.

The focus of CODA groups is to get the spouse to focus on themselves, not their disordered partner.

This seems to be a long standing behavior and while we don't know the reasons, from what you describe, it doesn't seem to be stopping. If this is some kind of compulsion, then he would need professional  help to stop. One can think maybe if he trims his hair it would get better, but there are plenty of hairy guys who don't clean their bottoms in the shower and urinate outside windows. They also are capable of cleaning up after themselves. Even if he has a mental illness, this isn't even tolerable behavior for an elementary school child. Potty training is a fundamental skill learned early on.

For most of us, moving out quickly isn't doable. There are leases, or mortgages. One needs to find a place to live. But it's a possible longer range goal. Maybe it would help to set both immediate and longer rage solutions and then start to plan on how to achieve them. Note that this is not a "run" message. People can still be in a relationship and not live together. For your own living space, you need to have a level of cleanliness , order, and safety. If he's not able to go along with your basic needs, then you do not have to share a home with him. This doesn't make you a bad person. It's honoring your own basic needs.

A short term goal may be to move into "your" bedroom with the bathtub. You might also consider a lock on the door so he can't go in there soil it and for safety if he doesn't lock the door. Although you prefer a shower, a clean bathtub sounds better than a poopy shower. How can you accomplish your needs for cleanliness, order and safety in the short run and also long run.

Think about the basic needs you need to have for your own well being and what you can do to achieve them. Then, stepwise, follow that plan.

[formflier]

There is definitely something psychologically wrong here and it's directed at me.  Sorry. He just got home.

I agree there is something psych wrong.  It is likely directed at you and a long list of other targets.

I doubt we could figure out the ranking of his targets.

Help me understand how we can all agree that he needs further psych intervention, yet you apparently choose not to communicate with his med team about this and you are apparently not willing to enforce boundaries to protect yourself.

Trying to control a disordered person that is verbalizing and acting out that they DO NOT WANT TO BE CONTROLLED, doesn't seem like a good path to be on.  Yet that appears to be the path you are walking down.

I'm not seeing this going in a good direction...this concerns me.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

FF, I have never had contact with his psychiatrist and I have been burned way too many times when I have turned to people in his life for help even when they promised not to tell him.  That includes the time I called his psychologist (whom he only saw gor a month 2 years ago). He was threatening suicide as a way to try and manipulate me.  I ignored his messages and instead emailed the psychologist, told her he was threatening suicide and asked her to contact him about scheduling an appointment.  I asked her to please not tell him that she got that information from me.   Yet she called him, told him I had contacted her and then she sent me a message saying that he's fine and she can't discuss it further with me.   That was my only contact with her.  She didn't even ask any questions and he, of course, gave me h€ll for contacting her. I am not risking that again.

Today was a lot of shouting from him and attempts to manipulate me.  I am not sleeping there tonight.

Another triggering factor that happens every December is that his pedestal woman comes to town.  Everything becomes worse then.  He starts to openly show contempt for me and will look for reasons to fight. This time, however,  she is here with a new boyfriend and I know he can't handle that.

In addition to this, December is also his month to take more drugs and experiment with new ones. I told him today not to bring his drug buddies into the house while I am away. He said he will do what he wants.

I am starting to decluttering.  I feel that I need less things to worry about since I don't know where I will be even 6 months from now.  Part of my dilemma is that I don't have a car and my eyesight is a huge obstacle as far as getting a license.  My specialist told me a few weeks ago that even though my sight is so on the borderline (no pun) that he thinks I should take a shot again at passing. I don't have anyone to help me learn again and can't afford lessons.  I wanted to buy his truck from him in May, but while I was away he sold it to someone else and only told me once it was done. He had previously promised that I could have it and he would  help me drive again. He was so passionate and convincing about that,  but then he sold the truck and told me he doesn't want 3 vehicles on the premises.   He has 2 cars. I can't help but feel that he wants me to be stuck with no options, but I am quietly weighing my options.

[formflier]

 I told him today not to bring his drug buddies into the house while I am away. He said he will do what he wants.
 

Control appears to be to be the root of the conflict.  Both parties appear to be trying to control the other.  At least one  person repeatedly and explicitly verbalizes that they don't want to be controlled and are not going to be controlled.  

The actions appear to me to back up (be consistent with) that they are not going to be controlled, perhaps even using the actions to "spike the ball" (football analogy) that they aren't going to be controlled and will do the opposite of what they are told to do.

I do want to commend you Perdita for taking action to protect yourself and your values.

 I am not sleeping there tonight.

This is 100% in your control and it keeps you physically separated from attempts to manipulate and control you.

To me, this seems to be a solid step in the right direction!  

As others have said, very different from a run message.  I suspect that when both parties are able to take care of their sanitary (bathroom) needs in the way that matches their own values, that each party will "relax" and their relationship will improve/be clarified.

Perdita, where are you planing on sleeping this evening.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

FF,

Control is a huge issue.  I don't try to control him. He is like a child having a temper tantrum over nonsense. Insignificant things set him off and then it's "don't tell me what to do". 

From the age of 9 he had a lot of freedom to do as he pleased in the afternoons.  It was just him and his mother left in the house after the divorce.  He saw his brother only on weekends and his sister was by then in university and married soon after.  He didn't see his dad much.  His mom had to work and when she was home she slept a lot due to depression of her husband leaving her for someone a mere 5 years older than their daughter (his mom even spent time in an institution at one point.  He has never spoken about that. She told me. I have no idea who cared for him during that time).  I think this is why he sees everything as an attempt to control him.  There wasn't anyone around to teach him that he can't always do what he feels like when he feels like it.  He had no real routine as a kid.

He didn't have parents to model his relationships on.  He didn't even kiss a woman until he was almost 30.   A lot of things that help a person mature emotionally was absent from his life. 

The bathroom thing remains huge, because I resent having to use the tub.  It takes much longer and as it is I never can find enough time to simply relax.  Also, when poop goes down the shower drain it effects all the drains in the house.

I am staying at my parents.   They are really getting old and movement is limited.  My mom is still ok, but she is becoming the caregiver and I help out quite a bit.   I have explained to him many times that it is very tiring for me to take care of things at home and also at my parents, but he doesn't understand.   He has never taken care of anyone.  Even when I have been under the weather he is oddly clueless as to how to help. He offers to get medicine   but that's it.  He doesn't understand being quiet,  offering food or something to drink, helping to straighten out the sheets and so on.  I have cared for him many times yet he hasn't taken anything from it.

[formflier]

Hey Perdita I'm/we're on your side!    I'm hoping you can reflect a bit on some things below and try to look at it from his point of view, or a "neutral" point of view.

Control is a huge issue.  I don't try to control him.  

Please reflect on the interaction below.  Is it accurate?

 I told him today not to bring his drug buddies into the house while I am away. He said he will do what he wants.
 

If it's accurate, can you understand how your pwBPD could see this as an attempt to control?  Can you see him explicitly saying that he isn't going to be controlled?

Can you share some about your expectations on a reader to read this and NOT see this as an attempt to control?

Note:  Separate issue if the reader agrees or disagrees about the wisdom of having drug buddies over.

I hope you get a good nights sleep and have time to think all these things through.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

FF, I hear what you're saying.  His common sense is so lacking that I try to preempt actions on his part especially ones that will end up making my life harder. He frequently forgets to lock up the house at night and has on several occasions locked up with my keys while leaving his lying on the front lawn along with the car keys. His mom said he did that even when he was under her roof. I don't feel safe and protected which is something I need very much.  Why doesn't he learn? I hate having to remind him or ask him to do common sense things. Sometimes I say nothing hoping that he will rise to the occassion, but he never does. 

I feel he tries to control me. Recently it has been about me getting back in our bed with him even though the sheets still haven't been washed after he twice showered with his poop. I refuse. He gets angry. I wanted to lock the bedroom door to the en suite before leaving today but he warned me that there will be "consequences " and he was literally foaming at the mouth.  I give in to a lot of his demands out of fear that worse things will happen if I don't. I actually feel he projects a lot of his anger towards his mother onto me.

He said I should come over at around lunch tomorrow.  I am already worried about what awaits me as he deliberately does things that he knows will upset me.

[formflier]

FF, I hear what you're saying.  His common sense is so lacking that I try to preempt actions on his part especially ones that will end up making my life harder. 

Do you consider the bolded part control?

Does he?

Do you believe others passing through would consider it control or attempt at control?

Please note, I 100% agree with your analysis that much of what he is doing is bad, odd, unhealthy...you name it. 

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  Why doesn't he learn? I hate having to remind him or ask him to do common sense things. Sometimes I say nothing hoping that he will rise to the occassion, but he never does. 
 

What is his incentive to "function" or "learn"?

It appears to me that there are others in his life that will function for him and/or the consequences of him not "functioning" or "not rising to the occasion" are not significant enough to motivate him.

It is possible that he is not able to (based on mental and/or physical factors) or he may be able to.  Both should be considered, although we should leave the deciding of that up to the appropriate professionals.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

What is his incentive to "function" or "learn"?

It appears to me that there are others in his life that will function for him and/or the consequences of him not "functioning" or "not rising to the occasion" are not significant enough to motivate him.

It is possible that he is not able to (based on mental and/or physical factors) or he may be able to.  Both should be considered, although we should leave the deciding of that up to the appropriate professionals.

He has little motivation in general.  He is very skilled at manipulation and gaslighting.  I have seen him do this more and more to his family,  but they don't realize it. They are where I was years ago on this - ignorant.

At this point I am starting to suspect he might actually be mentally handicapped in some form.  He even ends professional messages to females with "love you lots" "I still love you"  "love you bunches".  These are people he has strictly professional relationships with like his banker, his insurance broker, associates and clients.  I have seen these messages and heard the phone conversations.  None if these women reciprocate and sound uncomfortable.  With several of them he starts swearing about what c**** they are the moment he hangs up.    I recently explained to him that it's unprofessional and the wrong woman will turn around and add to the story and accuse him of sexual harassment and use those messages as evidence.  He agreed, but continues.

I don't understand what's wrong with him, but I feel he needs to be institutionalized.   I don't feel much love for him anymore after the past week. I could still forgive his shower poop, but the way he has reacted about it is what's causing my love for him to die.  He started cleaning out the garage yesterday so that he can start producing drugs in there. 

I don't feel respected, loved or safe. I think 2020 will be the year that I finally walk away from him forever. He is going to make that final decision easy for me.

[formflier]

 He started cleaning out the garage yesterday so that he can start producing drugs in there.  

I don't feel respected, loved or safe. I think 2020 will be the year that I finally walk away from him forever. He is going to make that final decision easy for me.

Is making your decision a matter of time or are there other "markers" that you are still looking for?

If he actually starts producing drugs is that different to you than preparing?  Have you gotten sound legal advice about your exposure to prosecution if you live in the same residence where drugs are produced?  

If there is nuance in the law where he could claim they are only his and that might get you off the hook, do you trust him to have your best interests at heart?  (There may not be nuance where you live, please focus on whether or not you trust him)

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

FF,

He was very poor judgement and I am now actually more afraid of the company he is starting to keep due to the drug thing than of the drugs itself.

 I don't know that I have a marker. I find myself concentrating more on things that I can get rid of so that I am less tied down by possessions.

He send me 3 short messages in a row this morning. The 1st was to tell me that he got the blanket that he wanted today.  Yesterday we decided to go together because I need some items ftom the same shop too.  I don't have my own transportation,  so this puts me in the position of not knowing when I will be able to get there.

The 2nd message was to tell me that he has had an upset stomach since last night.   Surely he knows that this is a trigger for me?  Now I don't know what has been going on at the house in my absence.

His last message was to ask what I am doing. 

Then he called and told me he is on his way to the beach - exactly where he knows I would like to be.  These messages seem random, but I feel he is trying to mess with my head and emotions.  I didn't react. I just listened.  Afterwards I was rather surprised when I realized that I revealed nothing of what I have been doing.  It made me feel good for some reason.

[formflier]

FF,

He was very poor judgement and I am now actually more afraid of the company he is starting to keep due to the drug thing than of the drugs itself.

What is it about the company he keeps that makes you afraid?

Has he produced drugs in the past?

Has he kept company in the past that made you afraid?

How long do you expect to be at your parents house?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Perdita, you could find yourself in serious trouble by continuing to live with him, should he get arrested. And then there’s the unsavory cohorts he’s associating with. Not to mention his disgusting toiliting habits.

What is keeping you in this relationship?

[Perdita]

Hi,

I am back here since last night.  He got diarrhea during the early hours of Monday morning.  This is unrelated to the pooping in the shower as it happened 7 days apart and not even he is trying to pretend it's linked.

He saw the doctor yesterday late afternoon and he diagnosed him with a stomach bug and told him that he is contagious and will be until Friday.  Once I heard this my immediate instinct was to get out of my parents house as my father is very old and very sickly.  Fortunately while I was there I was very good about frequently using a strong medical hand sanitizer. I was also not around him as he was in bed the whole time.  Unfortunately I was around my mom more.  We are both still fine but there is that very real worry still. (Update: my mom just let me know that my father's stomach is upset).

Meanwhile this morning he started complaining about not getting sex.

1. My period has not stopped in 2 weeks due to all the physical demanding stuff I have been doing alone in and around the house in preparation for the festive season.  This always happens when I don't take it easy during my period, but I have so many things to get done and no help. The same thing happened last December.

2) since he is contagious until Friday there is no way I am even getting in the same bed with him.

3) he told me to start using the shower again since he cleaned it again last night.  I told him that since he has the bug I don't want to go in there and risk getting it. 

I am even more put off by him than ever now.   He shouldn't be complaining about wanting sex tonight when he knows I am on my period and when he is contagious with a bug that I don't want. I vam sure he got it from the low lives he went to hang out with on Saturday night.

I am really starting to hate his guts which is probably a good thing. Is manipulation and gaslighting is pathetic now that I have enough experience to recognize it. Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate the help and really need the support

[once removed]

I am really starting to hate his guts which is probably a good thing.

there arent circumstances under which this is a good thing while you are in a committed relationship.

do you want to be? not want to be?

[formflier]

   He shouldn't be complaining about wanting sex tonight when he knows I am on my period and when he is contagious with a bug that I don't want. I vam sure he got it from the low lives he went to hang out with on Saturday night.

 

Any more thoughts on whether or not you want to control him?

Can you see how your approach to this situation can be seen my others a desire to control him?

 

Hoping the stomach bugs passes soon.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

there arent circumstances under which this is a good thing while you are in a committed relationship.

do you want to be? not want to be?

It's a good thing because his hold on me emotionally is breaking. That in tufn is helping me focus on getting away from him even though I know I won't be able to immediately due to finances. If not for that I would be gone before the new year.

[Perdita]

Any more thoughts on whether or not you want to control him?

Can you see how your approach to this situation can be seen my others a desire to control him?

 

Hoping the stomach bugs passes soon.

Best,

FF

Am I being controling for putting my foot down and saying I am not going apologize for having my period as I have to  every month to him? Controling for standing up to him and saying I won't be in the same bed with him while he is contagious?  I have an autoimmune disease that can and has put me complete out of action for months - although I still press on since meeting him for his sake. I am fed up. 

Last week I had to deal with one parent  being hospitalized unexpectedly while another was at home too weak to get out of bed without help.  Meanwhile there's a physically healthy man at home who refuses to do even the simplest thing that others do every single day. I am tired in every way. When I was single for nearly 20 years I had to do things alone. Now, instead of having a man that is a team mate to me, I find myself having to do things constantly for him too.

[formflier]

First of all    to you while you are working through hospital issues with your parents.  Hang in there!

Am I being controling for putting my foot down and saying I am not going apologize for having my period as I have to  every month to him?

Yes I am...and that's a good thing!  What I read above is about your body and your health and inside your boundaries, therefor you SHOULD be controlling of that.  Unapologetically.

 

Controling for standing up to him and saying I won't be in the same bed with him while he is contagious?  I have an autoimmune disease

Again, yes you are being controlling ...and properly so.  Your health, your disease, your sleep.  You set the ground rules (with appropriate medical advice) regarding your health. 

You do not get to control if others accept and follow those rules. That's inside their boundaries.

Therefore it's proper that you make the decision to not sleep in same bed with him.

 

 
 Meanwhile there's a physically healthy man at home who refuses to do even the simplest thing that others do every single day.

Perdita I would resist making judgments for which you lack qualifications.  Only doctors with all the facts can determine the status of his physical and/or mental health. 

My understanding is you are not going to "force" the issue on health, therefore we simply don't know.

You can't control his doctor decisions (outside your boundaries), however you can control the "type" of person you live with (especially due to your health status).  That's inside your boundaries.

It also speaks volumes about his care for you that he exposes your poor health to his poor hygiene.

Also raises the question about why you continue to expose your poor health to the possibility of compromise by being in a home with him (even if you do use different bathroom and bed).

Seems risky to me.

I am tired in every way. When I was single for nearly 20 years I had to do things alone. Now, instead of having a man that is a team mate to me, I find myself having to do things constantly for him too.

No Perdita you don't have to.  He doesn't have the power to force you.

For some reason you are choosing to do these things.  I would suggest that's a place to reflect on for a while.

Best,

FF