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Author Topic: Help and advice  (Read 363 times)
PineapplePen

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 6


« on: January 20, 2020, 08:03:19 AM »

Hi,
I'm new here because I believe my partner has BPD. A little about our relationship:
We met 2 1/2 years ago and moved in with each other within 5 months of knowing each other. I felt it moved quickly but my partner was so confident about us that it reassured me of any worries.
Major arguments started happening as soon as I moved in. I had my own issues of moving to a new place and starting a fresh and in reflection, this put a lot of stress and worry onto my partner. Over the course of our relationship, things have moved very quickly and have been very intense. What made me research about BPD though, was the arguments that we have. My partner can get very angry, very quickly. There is an average time of about 3 hours it takes for her to start to listen and become rational to speak to. But what is the most difficult is the constant blame and the criticism. Our situation has changed and our lives have become more stressful and in turn, our arguments have become more frequent and more hurtful.
A lot of what my partner says seems to either be misconstrued or totally false. I used to argue back, but it never helped any situation. Most arguments are a no-win, whatever I say gets thrown back at me, when I say nothing it causes her pain, if I give her or me space or distance it only drags the arguments on.

After reading about BPD, I have learnt a few strategies to help with arguments and her anger. The main thing that has helped has been to not become angry and defensive myself, although this is easier said than done, especially when personal verbal attacks have been constant and I'm feeling fragile myself.

I just need some help from others who are in the same situation. Just some advice and also to just let off some steam when things have gone too far.

Another thing, my partner refuses to believe they have any issues and has told me that it is me that needs professional help, although she has refused couples therapy which I have suggested.

Thanks!
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Kelbel

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 14 years, living together 12 years
Posts: 47


« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2020, 08:21:30 AM »

Hi PineapplePen,

Your situation sounds very similar to my own in the early years of my relationship with my partner. We've been together 16 years now and it's only relatively recently (2 years ago) that I found out about BPD and started to put the dots together (my partner is not diagnosed and we have not discussed BPD, but I am confident she has BPD, or perhaps CPTSD).

So you are streets ahead of where I was at that stage in my relationship, and I spent many, many years confused and reacting and making things worse. Even when I found out about BPD and started reading about strategies to manage better, all that stopped in the good (or in fact even in the not so good but un-disastrous) times and I think that's contributed (or at least not helped prevent in the way it could have) the disastrous point our relationship has recently reached. Because things were much better, I think I just forgot she has BPD (or traits of) and the lack of attention has impacted.

I have no advice really except to say keep doing what you're doing, reading and posting and paying attention to the BPD bit, which is one of the things I really regret in my relationship.

Take care

Kelbel
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Ozzie101
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2020, 08:34:52 AM »

Hi PineapplePen! I'd like to join Kelbel in saying welcome to the family! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

You've come to the right place. This is a supportive community of people who "get it." We've experienced the BPD roller coaster and we're here to listen to, advise and help each other along the way.

As you've found, stress tends to really trigger BPD. I know that's how it's worked for me in my relationship with my undiagnosed H.

That's great that you're working on your own triggers, anger and defensiveness. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Being able to maintain our own calm and equilibrium can go a long way to helping our loved ones get back to baseline -- or at least it helps keep things from getting worse. What other strategies are you using?

What sorts of things trigger your loved one? Maybe when you feel like it you can describe a recent blow-up -- give a detailed play-by-play. That can really help us get a handle on your relationship dynamics and help us point you towards some skills that may be most useful in your situation.

Again, welcome!
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PineapplePen

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2020, 05:26:09 PM »

Thanks so much for the support and replies guys!

Both me and my partner have both become very stressed recently. We have both given up our jobs as teachers to become foster carers. We both have done very well to support each other, but I do get blamed a lot for not pulling my weight or doing enough to take on the emotional load. We had a very stressful time during the Christmas and New Year holidays. I often get told by my partner that I'm not emotionally invested enough with the foster kids and I don't care which is why things don't bother me as much as it does for her.

I feel I've been able to move on from the stress of the holidays but it is something that still very upsets my partner and something that she frequently talks about how hard it was. I thought it was a fantastic opportunity to highlight how well we worked as a team, something which she agreed with. But only yesterday I was told I didn't do enough to support her and that it was all my fault that she lost control emotionally.

What has been particularly hard has been that yesterday was my birthday. I live a few hours away from my family and childhood friends so I do get upset around my birthday that I don't see them and I have anxieties that everyone will forget about my birthday (very irrational I know!). I spoke to my partner about this and told her I've been getting anxious about it. She has then said she has taken on this stress as well as her own and she is finding everything so overwhelming. I told her I would organise everything to ease any stress, she even went away with her friend for a night away. But the night before my birthday, we had an argument.
In the middle of an argument (which was caused by me sleep talking and making her feel scared) she told me she won't be acknowledging my birthday and that to her it will just be a normal day.
What helped me was knowing that this isn't what she truly felt. This was her using her fear and abandonment issues and projecting them onto me. She was purposefully trying to antagonise me so I would react, so she could then prove herself right. This has happened so many times I could right the script for it!
Using some calming phrases and soothing her, after about an hour, I managed to calm her. I know she didn't mean it, but it was on my mind for the whole of my birthday.

What is helping me at the minute is a book called 'Talking to a loved one with BPD'. It has helped me understand the condition more and help me get a few ideas on how to control and de-escalate a situation.

Thanks for your time guys!
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PineapplePen

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2020, 06:47:36 AM »

So, I'm writing this just so I can just let off some steam.

It's so hard to keep my cool and stay calm when I'm constantly being told I'm not doing anything to support my partner. I know it's not true because I will do anything to help her. I've quit my job, I've left meetings early, I've called in sick to help her, I cancel plans with friends or cut phone calls short if I see she needs me. So it hurts so much when I get told I'm not doing anything to support her.

How do other people cope with this? How do others stay calm and supportive when the person they have dropped everything for is constantly telling them they haven't done anything to support them.

It's so hard!
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Rev
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2020, 06:54:33 AM »

So, I'm writing this just so I can just let off some steam.

It's so hard to keep my cool and stay calm when I'm constantly being told I'm not doing anything to support my partner. I know it's not true because I will do anything to help her. I've quit my job, I've left meetings early, I've called in sick to help her, I cancel plans with friends or cut phone calls short if I see she needs me. So it hurts so much when I get told I'm not doing anything to support her.

How do other people cope with this? How do others stay calm and supportive when the person they have dropped everything for is constantly telling them they haven't done anything to support them.

It's so hard!

Hello there my friend...

And let me say "welcome" also...   You have come to a really great place for clarity. People here are from all walks of life with a myriad of life experiences.  We all share one thing in common - the hurt and confusion that you are feeling right now.

A word of support for the wisdom the people here has led me to - depending on your own wisdom alone is not a great plan. You would be well advised to get some emotional distance (even if you can't get physical distance) from your relationship.

Are you in therapy for yourself?  Not to "fix yourself" but to "educate yourself" on who it is exactly that you are with.

Rev
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PineapplePen

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2020, 07:54:26 AM »

No, I'm not in therapy yet, not for our relationship.
I have suggested couples therapy but it didn't go down well. But I have just booked myself in to go and see a therapist.

Today has been awful. I have been getting so fed up with all the accusations that I'm useless so I did just tell my partner I don't want to hear it anymore. That prompted her to run out of the room, bang her head against the wall, lash out on the floor and then make herself sick.

I'm so exhausted I don't even know what I can do to fix this situation
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Ozzie101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2020, 09:20:44 AM »

The "you don't support me" and "you don't do enough around here" and "you do nothing to help me manage my stress" claims? Familiar. Very familiar.

And they used to be extremely triggering to me. (Still are to an extent, but much less-so.) Is there any way you can get away when she's like this? Disengage gently, telling her when you'll be back? Take some of the kids with you so you're not abandoning her to solo childcare, if possible?

For me, I've had to work hard to distance myself, emotionally from that. To stay centered and aware of my feelings and thoughts. (Do you know anything about Wisemind?)

One thing that's helped me is that my H has admitted to me that he will say things to deliberately trigger other people so that he can get an emotional reaction out of them or make them see how serious he is/how important something is to him. Not a healthy communication tool or coping mechanism. Anyway, knowing that, I've made a (mental) list of my triggers. So, when he does it, I'm able to detach, say "Ah. Here we go." and just refuse to play the game.

In his case, I know it's a reaction to extreme stress -- of which there's a lot at the moment, in professional and personal areas. In the feelings = facts world, in those dysregulation moments, that's what he sees as the truth. When he's calmed down, he will admit that his accusations are untrue and unfair and he and I had a talk about it just last night, with my telling him I understand the stress and what he's going through. But his way of coping is not good for either one of us and it could, in fact, hurt him more in the long run. But, then, my H is very self-aware and high-functioning so we're able to have those conversations.

Using validating statements, like "Gosh, I would feel awful, too, if I felt like you weren't supporting me" can help, too. Validating the feelings, but not the invalid. Using tools like SET can be very helpful as well.
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PineapplePen

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2020, 10:07:00 AM »

Thank you for your reply.
 My partner has said that if I need space I need to tell her I'm going away for 5 minutes and I will be back. Although, this has now caused the issue that I am abandoning her and that she needs to have the option of coming to me when she is ready instead of me coming back when I am ready.
It's quite hard in my relationship because when I say I need space she accuses me of abandoning her. But the hard thing is, is that the conversatios end up being so overwhelming because I've had no chance to escape, they always end up blowing up.

The SET approach has helped a lot approach, I've been reading 'loving someone with borderline personality disorder' and it's got a lot of useful information in there. The only issue that I have is trying to stay calm and rational, especially when I'm feeling a bit fragile myself. I've booked to see a therapist and my partner has just told me that she will try and couples therapy which is a huge stepping stone one that I hope will improve our relationship.
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