First thread and looking for any form of advice if any

[Narza]

So here goes.  My ex has openly admitted that she has BPD and said I needed to know before anything between us got serious, thing is, this was a month down the line and we were already pretty serious.  Admittedly I didn’t do any research on BPD at the time which was a mistake.

Very short relationship, I need to be honest with you and upfront with that but a very intense short relationship, talking about the future, kids, marriage etc which was everything I came to love about her.  My previous ex was an avoidant and im an anxious attachment style so to have all this discussion was everything I had been dreaming of.  Very little arguing during the relationship either but thinking back on it, there were lies that I would pick up on (not towards me but regarding other people) but I let it slide and didn’t question her.

Cut to the chase and to the end.  I broke a bowl of hers while emptying the dishwasher on a Sunday evening and all hell broke loose.  We just kept going round and round in circles.  Anything I said she would twist and say that it didn’t happen that way, “I said she slammed the dust pan and brush on the kitchen unit” but she is adamant she placed it on there calmly.  In all honesty I don’t know as things were in the moment and I felt that she had but this is the type of thing she has me questioning my sanity.  This argument went on for hours, she lives in London and I live in Bristol.  Normally I would wake up on Monday morning at 5:30am to drive to work to be in on time but as we were going round in circles I thought it was best to pack all my stuff and leave. 

We text briefly the following day and I apologised for leaving etc and said we needed to talk over the phone but that night I had to go to hospital due to chest pains.  Call her the following night and it was very short and in all honesty I cant really remember what was said other than I needed to call one of my best mates.

The Ex was due to come to my parents the following weekend to meet them for the first time (that week my mother told me she had suspected cancer which I told my ex about)  but she decided to say that she didn’t feel comfortable doing so and that she didn’t trust me and that I would end up isolating her in a place she didn’t feel safe.  I was obviously disappointed and my irrational response was to go off radar in the evenings as I needed time to myself and to think about the situation (bad idea).  So I head to my parents in west Wales and upon walking through the door, my parents start asking me what had happened as my ex had contacted my mother to say that it was over between us. 

From here on in, I pretty much go off radar as I needed time to heal, time to recover and think.  I didn’t block her or anything on any platform, but I stopped using FB and hardly went on IG, mainly because the ex is a serial SM poster and I didn’t want to see her come up in any feeds an mess with my anxious mind. 

During this time I have very limited contact with one of our mutual friends but she was asked by my ex to let her know when I was in touch, which I was told by our mutual friend, but asked to wait 2 weeks.  In that time another of our mutual friends contacted me asking for help and advice and I called her right away as I was feeling stronger.  We had a chat about what went on and I could still tell I was very angry.   After speaking to both of these mutual friends, it was advised to send a hand written letter to my Ex to break the silence as she had always said she appreciates hand written letters.

I get a text from the ex stating she appreciates the letter etc and that we should meet up to discuss things which I agreed to.  In the mean time, she sent a letter back which was all about her and very little about what I said in the letter with what I was feeling etc. (I must add, I did empathise with what she may have been feeling after I went off radar etc)  One of my friends then gets in touch to say that the Ex had contacted her and said she had taken my letter to a psychologist and they said it was mental abuse.

I was raging, but went to see her anyway.  The first hour was grim, she was having ago at me etc but after she had vented, things calmed down, we went back to hers, had pizza then I left, we had a really long loving hug and that was it.  Our texting started to increase over the coming weeks and 2 weeks later I went back down to see her on the Sunday before xmas.  She hurt herself the night before and needed to get checked out at the hospital so I took her and drove her round etc and waited hours in A&E with her, took her back, cooked, she said I could stay over but in the spare room so I did and left Monday morning. 

Cut to Xmas day, she said she loved the gift I had bought her and that it was the best present she had received (over text) I wish her happy xmas and can I call her later in the day but she called during breakfast, couldn’t answer so called her back once done.  She then decided to open up on me about what I did abandoning her etc.  I then said “This isn’t the time to be talking about this ill call you later” and she has now taken this and turned it round to say “Clearly you have a problem with this so there is no point ever talking to you again” and this is what she is sticking to. (Worst xmas ever)

Anyway, she sends me this horoscope reading which in all fairness, it was spot on, I could relate to it fully and she said something along the lines that “she wants to know the truth as to why I did what I did as it torments her” so I replied “this needs to be done face to face, when are you free next” So, Friday after NY I drive back down to her to talk.  She claims she will always love me but can never trust me again (in a nutshell)  I decide to leave after much talking trying to convince her that im here for good but she was having none of it, so I say to her, “Just want you to know that the only reason im leaving now is because you say there is no hope so that’s why im leaving”  I also said “If she changes her mind to get in touch”

Saturday comes along and im out camping with my mate and I get a text from one of the 2 mutual friends of our saying that I had contacted other mutual friends to unfollow her on FB and that she is evil!  Not true and this friend was having none of it and backed my side all the way.  I speak to the other mutual friend the following day and guess what, same story which she wasn’t having any of it either.  I didn’t rise as I feel my ex was looking for a reaction out of me.  My ex wouldn’t show or tell who these magical people were either.

Anyway, im in NC and found out middle of last week that my Ex has Blocked me EVERYWHERE!  FB, IG, Whatsapp etc.  This isn’t something that I had done to her, but my guessing was that she did this the day she lied to our mutual friends so I would try and react to her but would be unable to.  Both of these friends have a feeling that she is going to unblock me when she gets curious and wants to know whats going on in my life.

Thing is though, after much researching over the past couple weeks, I finally worked out why I did what I did.  In my eyes and feelings, after she decided to not come down and meet my parents (when I needed her) and then her telling my mother that it was over, she was the one who pushed me away (I didn’t know this when I met her the last time) and her reaction on Xmas day was her pushing me away and now with the lies, I think she is pushing me away.

I still love the girl, I really do and yes, I want her back, but just looking for opinions on how best to approach the situation, and is she likely to unblock me.

Apologies for the length of this, I needed to get it all down.

Thanks in advance

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome, Narza!

You've come to the right place. We're well-acquainted with the BPD dance around here and we have a lot of experience and tools to share.

Your story is a familiar one. Fear of abandonment and the push/pull dynamic are hallmarks of BPD relationships and it looks like you've really dealt with both.

Will she come back? It's possible. Many members have experienced that -- sometimes multiple times.

What you can do in the meantime is what you're doing now: Learn more about BPD. Also, learn about yourself and your own emotions and reactions to things, not to mention communication styles. All those play a role in BPD relationships, too. And keep up the self-care. Spend time with friends. Indulge in hobbies. Keeping your own strength up can do wonders for your own peace of mind and centeredness, which you'll need should the relationship resume.

If you do want the relationship to continue, I would advise keeping the lines of communication open. Don't reach out, but don't block. When and if she's ready, she'll approach you in some way.

Here are a couple of articles you might want to start with (if you haven't already):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Narza]

@Ozzie101  Many thanks for your reply and the links you have supplied too, very informative, the first one almost felt like it was written for my specific scenario, but clearly its what most people who are going through with BPD. 

The second link has only reinforced that i do want to be that care giver.  Said mutual friends have mentioned that I have the patience of a saint and most people would run for the hills when they understand what becoming a caregiver would need to sacrifice.  This is me though, i tend to put others first (not at the expense of my own well being) but if you have any advise on how to approach this situation, or do you genuinely believe i should wait for her to contact me.  Ive been looking at the whole No Contact with BPD personalities etc, and from what i can fathom, NC is abandonment of a BPD, so if i wait for her to message, i could be waiting forever which means she will only confirm she was right in pushing me away.   

Im not looking to justify my own reasoning here, i just want to get the best possible advice.  If i should stay in NC then i will stay in Indefinite No Contact and try to move on, but if i should send her a letter as its a trigger for her, then shouldn't i attempt that either? 

[Ozzie101]

If you really want to reach out, I'd keep it light. Just a "Hey, just thinking of you and hope you're doing well" sort of thing. Test the waters. See if she responds.

Anything more than that can come across as pushy or can make a pwBPD feel engulfed and send them running in the other direction. But by keeping it light, you're saying "I'm here when/if you want to talk. No pressure."

Make sense? How does something like that sound?

[2Loyal2Long]

What Ozzie said!  

I did everything wrong and, yes, coming across as pushing for more than the BPD can give or tolerate sends the tortoise back into its shell.

NC, when done right, is for our self care, it’s not about punishing them.  It’s easy to constantly obsess about the BPD and that in itself can render us incapable of focusing on ourselves and self care.

It is a push/pull dynamic, we have to stop playing our part in the BPD dance.  It’s hard to wait for a response from the BPD but that’s why we need our own support systems and recreation for ourselves.  No one wants to have someone depend completely on them for all their needs (especially a BPD who is rarely sure what they want), that’s where the fear of engulfment comes in and the BPD withdraws to self soothe.  They get overwhelmed easily.  Amazing work learning your own attachment style.  With hard work attachment styles can shift to secure attachment but it means working on unfinished business with our own primary caregiver in infancy who played a part in us forming the attachment style we carry into adulthood.  Have hope, you can make your own changes.  The results may surprise you.

They watch our actions, they don’t listen to our words, our threats and ultimatums make things worse.  Learn as much as you can to change your part in the relational dynamic.  BPD doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it’s an inter-relational disorder.

In my experience I’ve seen them choose partners who won’t leave at any cost, it helps them put the fear of abandonment at bay.  It also puts us in a position of feeling controlled by the BPD and feeling powerless.  That’s why we need to create our own lives regardless of what they do. That’s wise advice for any relationship.

You came to the right place.  The success stories I’ve seen are when the non begins to change their own behavior and ways of reacting, choosing to act versus reacting, setting limits, defining their own values.  Boundaries need to be firm and boundaries are for ourselves, it’s about kindly respecting our own values.  They will test you and give pushback.  From what I heard in a BPD support meeting last night (for BPD’s and family members), the BPD (who’s actively working on themselves) actually appreciates boundaries.  That was shared by a recovering BPD.  They said otherwise they don’t know where the limit is and appreciate being shown as long as it’s validating and done with love.

Welcome, I admire your courage to reach out for help.  Others have more solution than I do, I’m working on changing myself.  It’s no small feat but the rewards are immense personal growth.

Welcome to your new family!

[Narza]

Many thanks once again for your replies both.  Some very insightful information from you both.  I understand I need to work on myself in this time, and its something ive been doing.  It might sound that im looking for justification to message my ex, but I really am not.  When it comes to NC, im a pro on it, ive done a lot of research into NC and why / how it works providing you are working on yourself in the mean time and what effect it can have on the other individual etc.  Plus, I have read Attached, the science behind adult attachment styles about 10 or so times etc, so im well versed in Anxious, Avoidant and Secure attachment styles and protesting behaviour, which is something I have managed to cut out of my anxious attachment style.

One of the 2 mentioned mutual friends is going to spend a weekend with the Ex next weekend and wants to try and talk some sense into her.  Ill call this friend P.  She said she wants to relay what she knows as she is also worried about my ex with her BPD (Ex has no problem telling people she has BPD) and also try to explain that P believes that my Ex pushed me away also and wants to explain that I am trying to do everything in my power to understand about BPD etc.  Is this a good idea or not?  We both (myself and P) understand that P cant go in accusing her of anything etc but wants to explain that it wasn’t just one sided what happened and that she had a part to play in it also.  P is her favourite person at the moment so were unsure if this is a good idea or not.

Thank you once again

[Ozzie101]

It's hard to say. It could go either way and a lot depends on your ex's frame of mind at the time of the discussion and on how it's all approached.

She might be open to what P has to say.

On the other hand, it might trigger her and lead her to paint P black.

I will say if there's any blaming in what P says to her, there's a very good chance it could go badly. PwBPD tend to be hyper-sensitive to shame and guilt. My H, when he was in his bad phase, could take the most innocuous thing and interpret it as my blaming him for something, which would then trigger him. They don't hear "What you did was wrong." They hear "YOU are wrong. In your very core. You aren't worthy of existing."

I know you know that. But P would need to be extremely careful. Even "explaining" can be taken badly. There's a reason it's the E in JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) -- not an effective communication style.

If P wants to talk to your Ex, it might be better to approach her, invite her to talk and tell her side and what she feels. If Ex seems open, she can ask questions (What did you think about that? What do you think Narza felt?) If nothing else, you'll have insight into what Ex is thinking and feeling right now. But, as I said, it's a risk P takes and should be approached very carefully and with an awareness of Ex's frame of mind.

[Narza]

Many thanks once again @Ozzie101

P is well versed in this also, she is a very empathetic person and she really can put her self in another persons shoes.  Its something we both notice in each other.  I wholeheartedly trust in how she will approach the situation.  P got into a spat with her a couple weeks ago and she handled it very well by diffusing the situation by not furthering on the argument which the Ex wanted to try and continue.  A couple days later the Ex contacted her and acted like nothing had happened.  The ex vented at me regarding P (last time we were in each others company when she wanted to know why i did what i did) not knowing i had seen the conversation the pair of them had and i could see that it was classic pwBPD (Ex).

It was a blessing in disguise i think really as Ex had managed to drive a wedge between me an P the first time she pushed me away full well knowing P was my best friend.  The blessing was that now (and im not coming from a tit for tat or backup point of view) someone else had experienced it first hand.  I know a lot of lies were told about me during the first push away and more now the second push away and P can see this, so i know she will tread lightly no matter what as she also is aware what triggers her. 

Although this morning was tough as all i want is for the ex to contact me, ive spent the majority of my time today (yes in work) going through the lessons that are pinned in this subsection of the form.  I just wish my Ex new how much i want to understand about her BPD and how much effort i want to put in to renewing a relationship with her, but for now, i just have to sit and wait for her to a) unblock me from everywhere, and b) for her to contact me.  As much as i want to send her a letter, im going to take your previous advice and not contact her, although everyone else ive spoken too (friends, not other forums etc) that she has an issue with me abandoning her and not making an effort and thats what she wants to see in me, but after what ive read from today etc, i would only be adding fuel to the fire if i did approach her.