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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: BPD/NPDxh past caught up with him now in JAIL  (Read 1099 times)
Forward2free
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced BPD/NPD/HPDxh
Posts: 555


Kormilda


« on: January 22, 2020, 03:51:36 PM »

It has been a long time since my last post - could be 6 years?

After meeting in 2000, marriage in 2002, seperating in Dec 2004 and Aug 2008, I finally left in Sep 2009 and divorced in 2010 - sounds simple, right? Although on these pages it never ever is.

Throw in verbal and physical abuse, stalking, crazy made up allegations, gaslighting, drama and more, we are all now in a very different place.

I am repartnered with an amazing man, we bought a house together last year and after 3.5 years, we still haven't argued. Life is blessed. I dated until I found someone with zero red flags - it can be done. He treats me so well with respect and we are a true team in parenting and around the house. We love 100/100.

Plus, he stands by me during current court cases and had never been exposed to anything like BPD/NPDxh. He thought the reasonable man test with regards to dad's was status quo.

Last year BPD/NPDxh was sent to prison for 6 years for events that took place in 2004/5. I kept on approaching the police every few years or so because the my daughter was approaching the age the victim was at the time, and eventually, 3 years ago, they listened and the victim was ready to talk. Fast forward through many statements, drama with him telling the kids if he goes to jail to blame me and it's all my fault, he's innocent etc, he plead guilty before the victim and I had to give our statements. The psyche evaluation showed he has developed Histrionic Personality Disorder on top of the former disorders of BPD and NPD.

It hit the papers and people from my past contacted me in shock - but also with extreme admiration. The kids knew their dad one way, but the stark reality of who he really was became too much and it opened up conversations about who he was to me and during the court cases. I have been advised by Child Protective Services to speak openly and honestly, as they had with the kids too, and it's help to heal us all and bring the lies that he told the kids to the surface.

After regular fornightly weekend visits, my kids haven't seen him since July last year and they want to disown him - change surnames, never speak to him again, the lot. We are in a new house with a new school so that has made the process much smoother - BPD/NPDxh doesn't know where we are, and hasn't reached out to the kids at all either. His mother and brother did for a few months, but there has been zero contact since the sentencing and the grandmother was blaming the kids for not sending him a father's day card - the kids started to disrespect her too.

I was also contacted by the police last year where they apologised on behalf of the whole police force  Way to go! (click to insert in post) for treating my abuse as 'domestic violence' and not something they could help me with. They have asked me for a statement (covering the last 20 years) so they can go through it and charge him with everything/anything that they might have missed before. Charges will include rape, burglary, assault, stalking, break and enter, property damage and more.

They have also approached his 4 ex fiances (that he had since me) and asked them to do the same so they can use the commonalities between cases to substantiate the charges and add more jail time. All relationships ended the same way - BPD/NPDxh certainly has an established crash and burn pattern.

The last finance contacted me distraught after an incident early last year with rape etc and I have been summoned as a witness in her case for April this year - again, could be adding more jail time there too.

It's surreal. After all of the dismissive responses I received from the authorities, after all the money I spent on lawyers trying to prove he wasn't fit and was a risk as a parent, it's all catching up with him.

In a way I was happy leaving the past behind me and it has been difficult to write statements - so tomorrow I am handing my 14 volumes of family court documents to the detective to go through and find what she needs. She'll interview me after that and fill in the gaps. It's just too much to open the closed files in my mind in my current life where I have moved on...
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Forward2free
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced BPD/NPD/HPDxh
Posts: 555


Kormilda


« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2022, 01:44:52 AM »

Posting here for myself as much as others.

I am now happily married to the best man and we've been together a little over 5.5 years - still the most supportive and balanced relationship I could have ever hoped for. He's also an amazing step dad to my kids - forever grateful they have our relationship to mirror one day.

Next court case for the ex husband who is BPD/NPD/HPD is coming up next month, and there will be a jury appointed, so it sounds complex. I will be called as a witness and today, hearing there will be a jury has left me with a significant feeling of anxiety. I thought I had moved beyond this reaction, but, here it is.

My court case is being prepared (covid delays haven't helped) and they are currently preparing the brief of evidence and looking for commonalities amongst the many many statements to register as many charges as possible. BPD/NPD/HPDxh is not aware of these charges and will be shook. Good.

Here's hoping that those years in jail keep stacking up and he is kept in for as long as possible.

I cannot fathom him being on the outside and not trying to harm me or the kids. The peace I feel in the world when he is behind bars is immeasurable.

I am quite afraid of seeing him next month for the first time since 2020 - although he saw me earlier this year when I gave video evidence, but I couldn't see him. I know how to dress and how to present myself, but I cannot deny the fear I feel over how I imagine his anger towards me is manifesting, and all of the time he has to plan.

I wish he didn't have any power over me or my thoughts or feelings, but it seems he always will, and like a switch, my fear response is always ready to turn on.
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kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2022, 09:38:01 AM »

Hey Forward2free, welcome back! So glad you decided to give us an update.

It makes a lot of sense that feelings you thought you were "over" or had "dealt with" have come up again in this situation. One way to look at it is not to "beat yourself up" over it, like "I must not have done the work"; rather, as a very normal signal: "Guess I have some more to process and my mind and body have decided that now, versus in the past, is the right time for me". It's pretty normal to have months or years go by without fear, anxiety, stress, or rumination about trauma, and then to have those feelings come up again. I suspect it's not a verdict on how well you processed or closed the door, but instead an opportunity to keep working on things at a different time from a different angle.

It doesn't surprise me that you would feel fear and apprehension around him. That seems like your body and mind working to keep you alert and safe. Reality has shown that he wasn't a safe person, so your mind and body are helping to protect you.

I hope there is a way in the courtroom for you to bring supportive people with you, people who you can look at and draw strength from when you're giving testimony.

Will you have a lawyer or other legal representation with you?

Also, how are the kids doing?

Keep us in the loop whenever works for you;

kells76
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2022, 05:03:07 PM »

Knowing that people eventually get consequences for bad behavior puts some sense of order into a chaotic past.

I’m in a similar situation with my ex husband, though the circumstances aren’t nearly as dire as what you’ve experienced.

When I divorced him after years of domestic violence, serial infidelity, substance abuse, criminal behavior, and financial irresponsibility, I lived in fear for years that he might come and harass me.

During the divorce process, he had broken into my house and taken things, and when I came home I smelled propane, because the pilot light in the oven was extinguished.

A friend loaned me a handgun and took me to a shooting range and I slept with that gun under my bed, which simultaneously made me uncomfortable yet at the same time, I felt somewhat protected.

I found out when reading the newspaper one day that he had been arrested for domestic violence with his new wife. I followed the story and at one point, he fled the state, and became an entry on our county sheriff’s “Wanted List.”

I since learned that he left Hawaii and moved to Florida. How I discovered that was when I started getting calls from creditors trying to track him down for skipping out on payment.

If he ever were to show up here unannounced, I would have a phone in one hand to call the Sheriff and have a rifle in the other.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
livednlearned
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2022, 05:17:30 PM »

Hello friend! I'm so happy for you, that you found a great guy  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) It's nice to be loved, and to reciprocate that love.

I understand, too, the complex emotions when you move on, only to find those emotions are somewhere inside, not ever fully left behind. It can't help that you will be back involved in legal stuff, it's own kind of PTSD for those of us entangled in the system a long time.

Is it imperative that you see him face to face? I never understand why victims have to be retraumatized, although I understand the practicalities. At least make it an option  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) After covid, surely there are new practices that can be made permanent since they worked well enough for two years.

My son is the same as your kids, not wanting to share his dad's last name, and has no relationship whatsoever. n/BPDx sends weird texts once or twice a year that S21 ignores. He sees no point. "n/BPDx is not interested in me, why bother. He never asks how I'm doing."

His psychiatrist said that when a parent fails to that degree, it's best to have no hope it could be better, since it can't. In that sense, S21 seems almost free. But the damage is still there, I can see it.

And it's great that your kids see the relationship with your husband. It sounds like they were able to accept him as a father figure?

Glad you came back to share an update about how you're doing.



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Breathe.
Forward2free
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced BPD/NPD/HPDxh
Posts: 555


Kormilda


« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2022, 09:47:15 PM »

You are all so right. I think I went from living in survival mode each day to feeling peace knowing he was in jail. It didn't mean that I had finished working on all of my trauma and although my PTSD symptoms were eliminated, so were the triggers...

After all that, Judge has some time off so court case adjourned until 2023! He is still behind bars whilst we wait, but it's been 3 years of preparation for us. No wonder my nerves are shot every time.

kells76 the kids are doing okay. My dad died in April this year, and it was the first time that I had a sense of what it must have been like for the kids to suddenly have no contact with BPD/NPDxh. Difference being they now know what kind of person their dad is, but that doesn't change what losing their "fun" dad would have felt like. They have a healthy sense of mistrust and 17dd is quite good at spotting red flags in others now. She has struggled with anxiety and making bad decisions, but is hopefully on the right track again now. 15ds became very quiet when BPD/NPDxh went to jail. He is open with me now about some pretty dark feelings 3 years ago, but moody teens in their rooms all day became normal during covid lockdowns. We were all struggling too.

Cat Familiar it must be so difficult not knowing where your ex is. It is quite incredible how apt they are at dodging bullets and flying under the radar, until they can't. I hope the law catches up with him and you all gain some peace.

Hello livednlearned, it has been a long time and so lovely to hear from you. My new husband is exceptionally patient and kind and found commonalities with the kids that helped them to bond. He attends every basketball game and shows up whenever they need him. The kids were open to trust and love, but took their time to feel secure.

When we were married after 5 years together, the kids presented him with a certificate during their speeches to adopt him as their dad. (We can't formally adopt each others older kids here in Aus). But this was a public display and truly hearfelt. Becuase they have no contact with BPD/NPDxh, I can understand what your son's psych said about it being better to have no hope. It certainly makes sense as to why they are at the stages they are, and how much more growth is to come.

After feeling stressed about court and writing to you all, I took up pilates after 3 years without it and decided that the money and the time committment was worth it for me and my sense of peace. I am enjoying the me time and being able to quiet the paniced voices that I still hear from time to time when the legal system drags me in.

You are right LnL that it is like a kind of PTSD. I truly feel it and need to love myself through it.

For now, it's going to be BPD/NPDxh's 4th Christmas in jail, and I hope the court case next year and the one to come will add substantially more time!
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