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Author Topic: I think my ex has undiagnosed BPD? Any insight helpful  (Read 358 times)
WowThisHurts
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 1


« on: February 14, 2020, 11:50:23 AM »

[size=10 pt]Hi folks,

I need some advice. I'm not sure if my ex has BPD but I've been probably over-researching things as she's left and completely blamed me for her unhappiness and refuses to accept responsibility for her own feelings. Sorry this is going to be long but if anyone can read and give any advice I'd sure love it. (we're definitely codependent. I thought she was depressed and was kind of waiting for her to get help and have even given her phone numbers for affordable counseling in the past and I have a drinking problem that she has recently said she was SOO tired of worrying if I was okay and taking care of me for)

We were in what I thought was a loving partnership for the last 4 years. We both have our problems. I've been diagnosed PTSD but felt that I had worked through a lot of that before I met her. I know I'll always have days but I know how to handle it for the most part. I've been to rehab and probably still have a drinking problem but in rehab they told me my biggest issue was I was codependent on a narcissistic ex. (this was 6 years ago before I met her, and directly after I was discarded by said narcissist). I got out and didn't really follow up on my readings.

Fast forward 2 years and living successfully in my own studio, dog, life, professional job, would still drink by myself a bit but was stable. I meet this amazing girl. She's reaching out on FB on some random post. We meet up, hit it off immediately, she comes home with me that night, everything is great till she tells me she has a partner she shares a house with and dogs, life etc. I'm kinda like okay... I backed off obviously and told her to figure her PLEASE READ out. We kept texting, she was so amazing it was almost addicting. She's telling me she might leave her partner because things have just been terrible anyway. I'm like "okay well let me know, i really like you but I don't think we should go any further while that is going on." She texts me in the middle of the night one night saying her partner had hit her and she's going to her parents and leaving her and is so sick of this PLEASE READ.

She starts coming over.. We both talk about how we aren't really looking for anything serious and would maybe consider being poly. but then we fall madly in love. She basically lived at my studio the first year we were together. We were inseparable. Just so incredibly in love. She worked a part time minimum wage job and couldn't afford her own place so my codependent self just loved that she was always there. It hits the end of my lease and I ask if she wants to move in with me into a 1 bedroom. I help her write a resume and she ends up getting a great job with benefits and makes almost as much as me. We can afford this!

Looking back, while this was going on, we would get in these random drunk arguments that almost never made any sense to me and then neither one of us would talk about it because we usually didn't remember. I say drunk fights because we were perfectly fine most of the time but when we both got too drunk, it was just a complete melt down. She'd run to her parents for the night and apologize the next day and come back. I can't pretend I didn't also have negative drunken stuff but mine was usually crying about my PTSD stuff, not really picking fights. Anyway, nothing usually came of it but one time I ended up getting a DUI on her birthday. We were on a camping trip and our friends were playing a show in the nearby town, she started bawling randomly because no one had said happy birthday to her while they were getting ready for their set. I wanted to fix what she was feeling so bad that I forgot how long we had been drinking and got her into the car to go have an us night and wound up in jail for 5 days. She bails me out. I go through a pretty dark phase where I tried to push her away thinking i was worthless but she was there every step of the way.

Back to the good... We find this amazing place  that we can afford where we can both have our dogs and her cat. She was very hesitant. She kept thinking that I was going to get abusive like her ex and I assured her I would never ever touch her. We ended up getting a 2 bedroom as a safety net and also so we could have a hobby room. Perfect.

Right before we move in together she has this MAJOR freak out. She tells me she doesn't know if she can do it. She wanted to move to California but put her life on hold for her ex, what if it happens again? All this stuff that she had never really said until after signing this lease. I tell her I can't force her but I thought we were in love and this was the next step to building a life but at some point we can both move to California because I do not want to be stuck in this state forever either. Eventually I fell asleep crying and the next morning she apologized and said yes lets do it.

We move in together. Everything is great! We've got a healthy stable family. We still drink a lot but we're both doing it so its okay right? I start noticing that she's not putting in as much effort and I try to talk to her about it. Can you maybe cook some dinner sometime too or do some laundry? "you know I don't like to cook, you like to! and I'll try to be more on top of it but I hate laundry."Over the course of 2 years living in that house, I think I assumed all of the chores besides maybe cleaning. She would anxiously clean whenever people were coming over but it was literally shoving everything in the bedroom and closing the door.

She had to drive me everywhere because of my DUI and we were constantly together. She starts saying things like "I wish I had more friends to do stuff on my own with" "I'm like oh, well call up so and so" she never really does and doesn't really ever try to go out on her own. I don't either but I'm realizing now its because she pretty much hated all of my friends. I came into this relationship with a crew of people I'd regularly hang out with and she pretty much hated all of them. Even had me cut off a few really good friends because she didn't think they were good influences. I will admit I'm the clingy codependent so when she would say that she wanted to chill with someone, I'd get a little weird but never ever once said she couldn't, she just never did.

Either way we're doing okay on the outside, traveling a bunch, making great memories, I have so many photos of us smiling and having a great time and so many great memories of this time. Everyone we knew was so proud of me because this was a huge turnaround from my practically killing myself rehab times. But somewhere in there, our sex life just died. I would ask why because I'd try and she just wasn't interested. She would just say she's tired from work and wants to go to bed. I kinda gave up after awhile.

Throughout those 2 years many milestones happened. We got a new puppy to join our other 2 dogs. We did everything with them! Take them everywhere we can. We signed domestic partnership papers, which she was just as excited as I was to sign. We had talked and don't necessarily believe in marriage but this would give us some rights that we didn't have. We had planned to build a tiny home and discussed in depth which three places we would move and decided on Maine.  We talked about if we would adopt or have children. All of these things...

But we still got in those drunk arguments and still overlooked most of them. There were 2 that were really bad that I remember. I woke up after having reacted really badly to something and she didn't speak to me for a week. I thought she was going to leave me for that one but she didn't. She started getting mad that I would get too drunk when we were both drinking. Asked me to get sober. I said I would love to do a sober month but you need to do it too. It can't just be one person in the household getting sober while the other still comes home every day and cracks open a cold one. I also will admit that she would sometimes pick these fights then walk away and drunk me would be absolutely terrified and convinced she was leaving. That's my fear of abandonment coming out and I was working on that. Eventually I realized she just needed space to calm down and I'd go crash on the couch during those arguments and pass out.

We got notice that our house is going to be demolished so they can build condos. Our first house together and we absolutely loved it for those 2 years. This was a pretty big blow to both of us. We look around for new places and everything in our price range is significantly less in quality. After I suggest we look in a different neighborhood because ours had gotten pretty expensive, we check out a cute little spot in another really good neighborhood. She walks in and LOVES it. I didn't even like it that much because I didn't think it would get enough sun. She puts in the application on the spot and we get approved and I put the money down.

We move in, didn't really unpack as we had a trip coming up in 2 weeks. Her best friend had just gotten out of rehab. We exchanged a month of free rent to him in our extra room for help moving and to watch our dogs like every weekend while we run around going to different cities to see amazing music. We get back and are just completely drained. Spend the next month unpacking and basically just being lazy as can be. The next few months are okay. I fenced in the back yard so that our pups could run, we spend a lot of time out there playing with them.We'd be vegging out and she'd randomly go "I love our little family so much" And I'd smile and say "me too, and kiss her head" I bought a king sized bed for our little family since our room was now big enough..  Nothing out of the ordinary. Not even many of those huge drunken fights. There were actually a few really good drunken convos about trying sex therapy or couples therapy.

We decide we're going to go down to Arizona to see my brother for Christmas, and that we are going to take 2 whole weeks off to spend a week with him and a week driving around the southwest and then to Albuquerque to visit a friend. (This was this last Christmas) Her brother moves down a month before so now we have to cram another family into it. It was stressful to say the least. The time with each family and our friend actually kind of sucked because all were kind of bad hosts but the time we were at all these great sites was amazing! We car camped in Sedona, went to the Grand Canyon, hiked Antelope Canyon, rode the Tram in ABQ and went to White Wands National Monument. So many amazing things and I have literally over 3000 photos of us smiling and having a great time.

In Las Cruces after white sands,though, we had been drinking all day as you can drink on the dunes. We went out to an arcade bar. She randomly didn't want to be there and asked if I could drive home. I said, "yeah babe but i gotta sober up." I started slamming water and ate a big meal. Within an hour she was ready and I was not able to drive yet. This exploded into a MAJOR fight at the airbnb where she was just screaming that she didn't handle my drinking anymore. I sat there dumbfounded because she was actually more drunk than me at this point and the only thing this fight came from was me saying I can't drive yet as I'm still not sober. This argument ended by us agreeing to do a sober month and work on stuff when we get home. She goes and showers and cries in the shower for a half hour. I go to bed. We wake up, she apologizes because she knows that that was not okay and we agree to do the sober month.

We get home on January 6th. January 13th she buys tickets to LA for my birthday, which was Feb 9th. Super excited and picking out sights to see all day at work. On January 14th, She woke up and her tire had popped. She called into work to go get it fixed. It wasn't done until 1 PM and her boss told her not to worry about the rest of the day. She decided to go to the mall with her besty, Josh. I asked if she was going to pick me up or if i should Uber home, she said can you uber I'm having fun. I said cool babe have a good friend day. (this was at 3PM)

She didn't call text or anything until she drunkenly rolled in the door at 3 AM. Josh had appeared at about 10:00 PM saying that she had ditched him at the bar. I had no clue where she was and they were hammered. I even checked the city jail roster in case she got a DUI. I freaked out left her a super concerned voicemail. 3 Am she rolls in and said sorry i was really drunk and passed out on a mutual bar friend's couch.

Next day she messages me from work and says that she doesn't think we're in love anymore and she needs some space. gonna go to her parents for the weekend to think about things. I gave her her space, it was terrifying because this was completely out of the blue to me. I texted her on Sunday and asked if she was okay. She said she thinks she wants to move out. I'm absolutely crushed. I ask her if she realizes how expensive her own place will be, ask her if she can get help first before making a decision like this. she said okay, she'll be home tomorrow after work.

Comes home, she's sick for 2 days straight. I take care of her. she goes to work on that Thursday and messages me that she wants to move into the extra bedroom. I asked what that meant to her. and she just went off saying "well you told me i cant move out" and all this stuff. She argued with me all day long via facebook messenger in the middle of the day at work. Pretty much the only thing I was saying the entire time was "please speak to a counselor or someone before making drastic decision that affects both of us so much" There was a lot of "no i cant wait months to be happy!" She blocks me on everything for over a week. Just straight up done out of what I felt like was nowhere. We had agreed to do the sober month and counseling and then this happens.

Its been a month and I drank a lot. I sent mean drunk texts, I didn't know how to stop.She blames me for everything. She said I forced her to sign the domestic partnership papers, and I forced her to move to uptown and she hates it, she said she's been faking it for the last 2 years, she's been suffocating and I didn't notice or care. She says she's been telling me but I was just "always drunk" then blocks me again. I drunk freak out text some more. She claims that she would have come back if I had calmed down but how do you calm down when someone does that? She took my LA birthday trip without me. She finally had an almost civil conversation with me the other day and told me she's poly now and has been with a few people already. She doesn't want to be in a commitment and she feels like its holding her down. She's been happier and she's been hanging out with all these friends and people and that she's working on herself. She still has not even spoken to me in person or even civilly over the phone. Only text or SCREAMING.

I'm destroyed. and in case there isn't a cycle there. Those statements she said to me just 2 days ago are the exact same statements she made when we first started talking. I can't say that there was nothing that I said or did wrong, but she has NEVER said any of that to me sober or in any kind of productive way. She literally sat there for 2 days sober right before doing this and then breaks up with me over messenger at work the next day. I just don't understand and then she makes me feel crazy by blaming everything on me. I told her she's probably depressed and needs to speak to someone and she takes that like its an insult. No! it's very real. I've been on meds for years and when I forget to take them, I feel it. She just refuses to accept that the sadness and emptiness she feels is inside of her.

Anyway. I'm out of my max characters so that was definitely long. Does this sound like BPD to anyone? Not that it matters cuz she has to figure it out on her own but it might make my heart a little less broken if I could put any kind of reasoning behind it. If you read this far. Thank you.
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2020, 02:15:15 AM »

Dear Wowthishurts-

Welcome to our community.  I’m really sorry for your pain and confusion, but glad you’ve joined us.  There is a LOT of information available on this site to assist in improving communication with your partner... but you’ve GOT to put the work in.  There’s no way around that.  No short cuts.

From your post, I see definite areas where improvements can be made.  And reasons for hope on many fronts. 

It’s not possible to diagnose your partner, or whether or not she has BPD traits.  In fact often professionals confuse certain PTSD / anxiety/depression traits with BPD traits - there’s an overlap.  The bottom line is that Relationships with highly sensitive people take extra compassion, understanding and work.  And for real success, a good part of your work is learning to maintain your own mental health and identity, separate from your partner’s.  It’s wonderful to be close... but not SO close that you lose yourself.  And its Unfair to both of you to pin your own welfare on the behavior of your partner.  Can you see that?

However I believe the intensity of these relationships can foster enormous and very beneficial changes in US.  In an effort to understand our partners, we’re “forced” to take a good, hard look at ourselves and OUR behaviors and contributions to the dysfunction in our relationship.  And with some hard work, you can actually begin to like and even love yourself (a novel concept, I know!). So do you want to talk?

Wow -  you’ve said a lot in your first post, which is really good.  And there ARE things to focus right now... For you.  If you’re ready.

But first I just want to say that it does in fact sound as if your GF did (does) truly and deeply love you during the time you shared.  No matter the words used now in this time of her anger or frustration, she did love you.  So please rest well with that thought.  Plus - if she’s still speaking with you, there are STILL feelings.

Next, when you speak with her, try to refrain from “telling her how she feels”.  We work here with “Validation” a ton.  And telling someone else how they feel or *should* feel comes off as very invalidating.  But we all do this until we learn not to ... and the communication tools here will teach you better ways of using validating speech.

Please go to the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS section and scroll down to Validation.  Or you can do a search of the term.  The second COMM Tool I would tackle is learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Both of these communication techniques work in every relationship you’ll ever have (personal, work, family).

Last and most important thing for this evening - alcohol intake.  Your thoughts on the impact on your life, this relationship and today?   In your thoughts about this, please look only at yourself.  Try to ignore your GF’s participation, OK?   We ONLY control ourselves... no one else.

Wow, this is a very safe space for you.  No judgement.  I really look forward to hearing back from you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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