Here's the scoop

[Depression = 72% of members]

As we come closer to move out date, what is so unexpected for me is how emotional I feel about all of it. I spent a long time feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated and I’ve spent so much time supporting my husband so he can feel sure of his choices and reminding him that everything he is going through is normal. The sadness, the anxiety, the fear- ensuring him daily that this wave of emotion will end one day.

I didn't expect to feel sad or anxious about what this change would mean. I didn't expect to feel super worried about how she will cope. And it makes me wonder if I have slowly become enmeshed with my MIL as well. Since my husband had surgery, I have spent a lot of time looking after my husband, and working with her as she processes all this, so I may also just be feeling emotionally drained. I cannot really tell to be honest.

Anyway, this is the plan:

MIL is going to FL in the beginning of March where she will be staying in an RV on her parents property. When she gets there, she will talk to my SIL who is living in her house and is going to advise her that on 4/1 she plans to move back into her house. She is going to tell her that over the next month, she will be coming daily to clean up the property and that my SIL can help. If she helps, my MIL is going to agree to let my SIL and her family stay when she moves back in. If she doesn’t help, my SIL is expected to move out by the end of March.

My MIL continued to push for a family meeting. Her intention of the meeting changed a lot, but it was obvious she wanted my husband and BIL to basically say to their sister that my MIL has to move home. My MIL is terrified to do this because she does not know what the repercussions of this will be. (I am drawn to the thread about the family system that Harri just started when I think of this.) My husband and BIL said that they will not do this, but they did agree to a family meeting where they discuss my MIL’s health and concerns that doctor’s and psychiatrists have expressed. My husband and I will be going to Florida later this month/early next month with MIL and said we said we can do a meeting via videochat with everyone.

Now, we have a lot of concerns about this meeting. My husband, BIL, and I are trying to prepare as best as we can so that it stays on target. It is likely that we will end up mediating on some level. My SIL and partner only tend to act inappropriately around my MIL and my MIL’s parents. They are on their best behavior in front of me, my husband and BIL, so perhaps this will be a good thing?

I also began to notice that my MIL has been super anxious, unsurprisingly considering everything we are having her do right now. She actually requested to see a therapist for the next month as she prepares for these changes. (Not the first time, but after a session or two, she usually changes her mind and never goes back.) We helped her research and she has an appointment for Friday. Before the phone calls, I suggested she have an answer ready if the therapist asks why she wants to come in. This has happened to her before and she panics and freezes. We ended up making a few lists to help her sort through some of what she is feeling and concerned about and I thought I would share them. Any insight or ideas on how we can continue to appropriately support her through this would be wonderful. I feel like we are flying blind for this part of the process.

Reasons to see a therapist:

1.   Anxiety
2.   Depression
3.   Having to make stressful decisions and have hard conversations that will create conflict
4.   Having a hard time controlling feelings **I would say that she has a hard time identifying her feelings, but I don’t know if she understands that concept.

What would make her situation in Fl livable for her:

1.   House is clean and organized
2.   BIL’s hunting weapons must be locked up at all times **very real concern as he often doesn’t and there are 2 children under 3 in the house. Have actually considered calling CPS regarding this, but am concerned the fallout and blame will be placed on MIL regardless of it being from an anonymous caller.
3.   Does not want daily conflict **unavoidable unless MIL and SIL magically learn how to react appropriately and SIL’s partner disappears. Believe SIL is also BPD and her husband definitely has anger and temper issues.

Anticipated Challenges for MIL:

1.   Making house livable **cleaning up property again.
2.   SIL’s partner **she is scared of him
3.   Being near her dad again **she probably won’t really be seeing him. He is really sick and unwell
4.   Sticking to a decision about the house with my SIL
5.   Her other daughter wanting to move in and being able to say no **She is diagnosed with BPD and is a recovering crack addict. Has been clean for several years.
6.   Her mom **will be upset with her if she kicks SIL out and will blame MIL

This whole thing boils down to the fact that my MIL’s only financially feasible option is to return to her house. She knows this, but is too scared to kick SIL out, so she is trying to find a way where they magically decide to leave. This isn’t going to happen. We have held to our decision that we need space and I anticipate the next couple of weeks getting weird. Her house is also the only place where all of her wants/needs are able to be met easily. Even though we have given her so much time, months to figure this out, it still feels like we are throwing her to the wolves.

I said something to the effect of “We need to make a list of the appointments you need to make before you leave so you are set on medication, and what you need to pack up so I can get those things for you.” She looked at me like I had ten heads and said something like, “Why would I need to pack?” She keeps saying, “It feels like you are never going to let me come here again,” even though we ensure her that we can plan visits.

And this is where we are at….ugh.

[Spindle0516]

As we come closer to move out date, what is so unexpected for me is how emotional I feel about all of it. I spent a long time feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated and I’ve spent so much time supporting my husband so he can feel sure of his choices and reminding him that everything he is going through is normal. The sadness, the anxiety, the fear- ensuring him daily that this wave of emotion will end one day.

I didn't expect to feel sad or anxious about what this change would mean. I didn't expect to feel super worried about how she will cope. And it makes me wonder if I have slowly become enmeshed with my MIL as well. Since my husband had surgery, I have spent a lot of time looking after my husband, and working with her as she processes all this, so I may also just be feeling emotionally drained. I cannot really tell to be honest.

Anyway, this is the plan:

MIL is going to FL in the beginning of March where she will be staying in an RV on her parents property. When she gets there, she will talk to my SIL who is living in her house and is going to advise her that on 4/1 she plans to move back into her house. She is going to tell her that over the next month, she will be coming daily to clean up the property and that my SIL can help. If she helps, my MIL is going to agree to let my SIL and her family stay when she moves back in. If she doesn’t help, my SIL is expected to move out by the end of March.

My MIL continued to push for a family meeting. Her intention of the meeting changed a lot, but it was obvious she wanted my husband and BIL to basically say to their sister that my MIL has to move home. My MIL is terrified to do this because she does not know what the repercussions of this will be. (I am drawn to the thread about the family system that Harri just started when I think of this.) My husband and BIL said that they will not do this, but they did agree to a family meeting where they discuss my MIL’s health and concerns that doctor’s and psychiatrists have expressed. My husband and I will be going to Florida later this month/early next month with MIL and said we said we can do a meeting via videochat with everyone.

Now, we have a lot of concerns about this meeting. My husband, BIL, and I are trying to prepare as best as we can so that it stays on target. It is likely that we will end up mediating on some level. My SIL and partner only tend to act inappropriately around my MIL and my MIL’s parents. They are on their best behavior in front of me, my husband and BIL, so perhaps this will be a good thing?

I also began to notice that my MIL has been super anxious, unsurprisingly considering everything we are having her do right now. She actually requested to see a therapist for the next month as she prepares for these changes. (Not the first time, but after a session or two, she usually changes her mind and never goes back.) We helped her research and she has an appointment for Friday. Before the phone calls, I suggested she have an answer ready if the therapist asks why she wants to come in. This has happened to her before and she panics and freezes. We ended up making a few lists to help her sort through some of what she is feeling and concerned about and I thought I would share them. Any insight or ideas on how we can continue to appropriately support her through this would be wonderful. I feel like we are flying blind for this part of the process.

Reasons to see a therapist:

1.   Anxiety
2.   Depression
3.   Having to make stressful decisions and have hard conversations that will create conflict
4.   Having a hard time controlling feelings **I would say that she has a hard time identifying her feelings, but I don’t know if she understands that concept.

What would make her situation in Fl livable for her:

1.   House is clean and organized
2.   BIL’s hunting weapons must be locked up at all times **very real concern as he often doesn’t and there are 2 children under 3 in the house. Have actually considered calling CPS regarding this, but am concerned the fallout and blame will be placed on MIL regardless of it being from an anonymous caller.
3.   Does not want daily conflict **unavoidable unless MIL and SIL magically learn how to react appropriately and SIL’s partner disappears. Believe SIL is also BPD and her husband definitely has anger and temper issues.

Anticipated Challenges for MIL:

1.   Making house livable **cleaning up property again.
2.   SIL’s partner **she is scared of him
3.   Being near her dad again **she probably won’t really be seeing him. He is really sick and unwell
4.   Sticking to a decision about the house with my SIL
5.   Her other daughter wanting to move in and being able to say no **She is diagnosed with BPD and is a recovering crack addict. Has been clean for several years.
6.   Her mom **will be upset with her if she kicks SIL out and will blame MIL

This whole thing boils down to the fact that my MIL’s only financially feasible option is to return to her house. She knows this, but is too scared to kick SIL out, so she is trying to find a way where they magically decide to leave. This isn’t going to happen. We have held to our decision that we need space and I anticipate the next couple of weeks getting weird. Her house is also the only place where all of her wants/needs are able to be met easily. Even though we have given her so much time, months to figure this out, it still feels like we are throwing her to the wolves.

I said something to the effect of “We need to make a list of the appointments you need to make before you leave so you are set on medication, and what you need to pack up so I can get those things for you.” She looked at me like I had ten heads and said something like, “Why would I need to pack?” She keeps saying, “It feels like you are never going to let me come here again,” even though we ensure her that we can plan visits.

And this is where we are at….ugh.

[Person2]

I continue to be in awe of you and your husband’s handling of this situation (and I’m learning so much). The sheer amount of work, on her behalf, that’s gone into this, shows a great commitment. No matter how her situation plays out, at this stage, your attention to providing practical assistance provides her the opportunity of the best outcome in a difficult situation.

As the daughter of a uBPD mother, I’ve experienced over and over my mother’s resistance to follow any practical suggestions/advice that don’t suit her purposes. In addition to her disregarding these type of solutions, her stubborn insistence to have all of us buy into her fantasy, creates situations that feel impossible to me.

Witnessing how you both are thinking about this, and the steps you are taking (and how she’s responding), is so helpful and educational for someone like me. Thanks so much for sharing this experience!

One day at a time! Keep up the good work!

[pursuingJoy]

I didn't expect to feel sad or anxious about what this change would mean. I didn't expect to feel super worried about how she will cope. And it makes me wonder if I have slowly become enmeshed with my MIL as well. Since my husband had surgery, I have spent a lot of time looking after my husband, and working with her as she processes all this, so I may also just be feeling emotionally drained. I cannot really tell to be honest.

There's a 'letdown' that happens when I'm nearing what I perceive as the end of a conflict, a mix of relief, doubt and worry. I think it's pretty normal. 

Your actual plan sounds solid.  I'm excited Spindle, it's taken some time to get here.

Between conflict with SIL, MIL reacting, and you, H and BIL being put in a position to mediate, I can understand why you're a little concerned about the family meeting. Is there anything we can help you brainstorm?

I like that you helped her prepare her list of reasons to see a therapist. I hope it helps...crossing my fingers, let us know how tomorrow goes.

What would make her situation in Fl livable for her:

1.   House is clean and organized
2.   BIL’s hunting weapons must be locked up at all times **very real concern as he often doesn’t and there are 2 children under 3 in the house. Have actually considered calling CPS regarding this, but am concerned the fallout and blame will be placed on MIL regardless of it being from an anonymous caller.
3.   Does not want daily conflict **unavoidable unless MIL and SIL magically learn how to react appropriately and SIL’s partner disappears. Believe SIL is also BPD and her husband definitely has anger and temper issues.

Is this a list of demands that she will share with SIL? What happens if the house isn't clean, the weapons aren't locked up, or there is daily conflict? Based on what you've shared so far it sounds like at least 2 and 3 aren't very realistic.
 

Anticipated Challenges for MIL:

1.   Making house livable **cleaning up property again.
2.   SIL’s partner **she is scared of him
3.   Being near her dad again **she probably won’t really be seeing him. He is really sick and unwell
4.   Sticking to a decision about the house with my SIL
5.   Her other daughter wanting to move in and being able to say no **She is diagnosed with BPD and is a recovering crack addict. Has been clean for several years.
6.   Her mom **will be upset with her if she kicks SIL out and will blame MIL

I like lists, and I'm a fan of anticipating challenges. Would it help for you and H to talk through how you might respond in each of these scenarios?

We have held to our decision that we need space and I anticipate the next couple of weeks getting weird.

I said something to the effect of “We need to make a list of the appointments you need to make before you leave so you are set on medication, and what you need to pack up so I can get those things for you.” She looked at me like I had ten heads and said something like, “Why would I need to pack?”

Ugh. Is this some level of denial? Her reaction here is interesting.

it still feels like we are throwing her to the wolves.

I can empathize with what you're feeling, but I want to counter with what I've observed. You've been more than patient and given her ample time. You've considered her limitations, and her options. You've offered appropriate levels of support and compassion as she seeks to take responsibility for herself, something she can and should do. On some level, you believe in her ability to take responsibility for herself, and because you believe in her, she may be able to believe in herself. You've set appropriate limits for what you will give and protected your marriage.

I continue to be in awe of you and your husband’s handling of this situation 

One day at a time! Keep up the good work!

This. 

 

[Spindle0516]

Person2- thank you! That is very kind of you. It has been so hard not to be hypercritical of ourselves and I appreciate the moral support. 

The plan

We settled on going down 3/3! She will go down with her clothes and we will either ship or rent a uhaul and drive down with the rest of her things early april.

Family meeting

In terms of the family meeting, we really stressed the fact that we would support her in saying that her psychiatrist and doctors agree that FL is a better environment for her, but that it is her choice where she decides to live. If she wants to return to her house, she has to be able to say that she is moving back in herself. That information would not come from me, my husband, or BIL.

She wrote out a general script that she has been reading over and this is what it says right now:

"I am asking for this family meeting because I want my family and everyone involved to be on the same page about what is going on with my health. The past year has been very difficult physically and mentally for me. Physically, I am more active in Florida and I feel better. The cold makes my joints hurt and my arthritis flares up so it limits my mobility. Overall, the weather in Florida is better for me. Also, over the last year, my anxiety and depression have increased immensely. I feel like I need to be in a place where I am in charge of myself. In NY, I am dependent on everyone else to do things for me because I dont know my surroundings and it is too stressful to navigate NYC at my age alone. I want to be in a place where I am familiar the area and can be more independent. When I was in the hospital, and in talking with my doctors, they agree that where I am is not good for my mental state. They all agree that being in my own home would minimize a lot of the emotional problems I am having. I want to take this time to discuss with all of you what has been going on and what my options are going forward."

I don't think the script she has written out is awful. (Is it?) The problem I anticipate is that she won't stick to it or after stating something the effect of what is written, she will add something like "(me and my husband) will tell you that I have to move into my house and that the doctor said it is best."

We have to be prepared with a respone for this likely situation.

She will probably only see the therapist 2-3 times, but maybe it will be enough to work out effective ways of communicating initially, but I doubt it will have significant impact.

Is this a list of demands that she will share with SIL? What happens if the house isn't clean, the weapons aren't locked up, or there is daily conflict? Based on what you've shared so far it sounds like at least 2 and 3 aren't very realistic.   

I am not really sure if she plans on actually communicating this to my SIL. I think she thinks my SIL will just decide to leave, but I honestly don't know what will happen or if that will be the case.

Knowing all of them, I kind of feel like none of the demands are realistic with all of them in the house. I am concerned about PTSD and stress levels if they stay in the house with her, but I don't know if there is anything else we can do for her in this situation? She wants the house to herself, so it is up to her to communicate that, right?

I like lists, and I'm a fan of anticipating challenges. Would it help for you and H to talk through how you might respond in each of these scenarios?

In terms of challenges, I think her sticking to her decision about the house and not being swayed by SIL and MIL is the actual challenge. Everything else is manageable if she has the house to herself.

But this goes back to her being willing to communicate her needs to her family, and sticking to her decision. I don't know if there is anything else we can do here to help with that?

Ugh. Is this some level of denial? Her reaction here is interesting. 

Right? I feel like her whole family operates under the mindset that "If I pretend it isn't happening, it won't happen." My SIL is doing that about my MIL going to Fl and my MIL is doing that about us having her move out.

(My husband is feeling much better and has been able to back me up over the past day or so. It is nice to have his support with her again. I felt bad because I fell apart a little bit last night on my husband and couldn't stop crying. I think the stress of the hospital, looking after him, preparing MIL's move, and dealing with her caused me to crash and caught me off guard. I didn't want him to feel bad for needing unexpected surgery though so i was a bit of a mess. On the contrary though, he said he was glad to see that I wasn't as calm as I had been appearing. He was weirded out that I didn't seem phased by any of it  )

She is having a hard time with us having her pack and I think it is sending her into a spiral. Her overall mood is declining and I think the next two weeks are going to be bonkers. I think she is in the midst of dysregulating in a major way and it is going to require every ounce of patience my husband and I have. I'm hoping we can respond appropriately. It is going to break my husband's heart if she falls apart and I don't want this to be any more difficult than it already is for him.

Man. This is hard.

[GaGrl]

You are works by through this beautifully, in spite of the stress. I know the unexpected surgery was a large wrench thrown into the process (spanner for our Brit friends).

Your MIL's notes are pretty good. Maybe this is what she needs to work through with the therapist. Her reason for wanting to see the T all really stems from working through this major and stressful life transition, right?

One thing about SIL and BIL...are there children in the house? Florida has one of the steadfastness in the country regarding loaded guns in a house where a child can access it. My friend included this in a child custody change petition with her ex, because he was not securing his handgun, and the daughter was 7-8 years old and knew Daddy had a gun in his bedside table.

[Mata]

I don't think the script she has written out is awful. (Is it?)

I think the script is pretty good.  The only issue I see is that it doesn't directly state what she wants (to move back into her house).  It kind of lays out all the reasoning, and then leaves it up to the family to figure out what her conclusion is.  My mom does this all the time.  She won't just say what she wants.  She will  set out a long list of problems/reasons for something, but I have to guess at exactly what solution she wants.  If your MIL could start out saying what she wants right up front, it might help.  But this might be asking a lot.     An idea to help her might be that at the end of her spiel, you or H or BIL could ask her a leading question to get her to say what she wants, rather than it being on you to tell the family what she wants.  Like, "So MIL, you are saying you want to move back into your house?"  Or some other question to draw the conclusion out of her. 

She is having a hard time with us having her pack and I think it is sending her into a spiral. Her overall mood is declining and I think the next two weeks are going to be bonkers. I think she is in the midst of dysregulating in a major way and it is going to require every ounce of patience my husband and I have.

This x1000.  My mom was so dysregulated when we packed up her house to move to our town.  She was an absolute monster.  I feel bad saying that because I know it was hard on her, and moving is stressful even for mentally healthy people, but she was just out of control.  I had to keep walking outside and taking breaks so I wouldn't yell at her.  But we got through it, and you will too. 
We also did a 2-stage move.  First we just took what she needed for her apartment in assisted living.  In the spring we still have to clean out the rest of her house and sell it.  That is not going to be fun, at all.  I kinda wish we did it all in one shot, but taking it in steps was probably better for her.

Glad to hear your husband is feeling better.   

[GaGrl]

Darn autocorrect...I meant to refer to Florida having "one of strictest gun laws" related to child access.

[Spindle0516]

Darn autocorrect...I meant to refer to Florida having "one of strictest gun laws" related to child access

Haha- Gagrl- I was trying to figure out what you meant! There is a 2 year old and a 6 month old in the house. The last time my MIL was there she found a shotgun sitting on the back ledge of the sofa. I am not clear if was loaded or not. Completely accessible to the 2 year old.

This has actually caused me significant stress and worry. It kind of makes me feel nauseous when I think about it. I really want to report it, but don't know how to do it without blame and repercussions being placed on MIL.

Separate issue, but my husband and I have been trying to figure out to show our niece and nephew we are there for them without playing into all the dysfunction that exists in those relationsships. They are young still, but we worry that they don't have any examples of healthy relationships and boundaries.

 My SIL's partner/kid's dad is definitely emotionally abusive. Unclear if physical abuse occurs. All four of them sleep in the same room and apparently they had the 2 year old sleeping on the floor in their room with just a blanket and pillow. MIL'S mom apparently brought over a toddler bed that is in the room now so she isn't on the floor. And our nieces demeanor is definately different when both parents are together and home vs when we have her alone for an outing when we visit.

Like, "So MIL, you are saying you want to move back into your house?"  Or some other question to draw the conclusion out of her.

Love this idea. Was trying to figure out how to address that and this is perfect. Seems obvious when you write it out like that and I don't know why we didn't think of that!

[Harri]

Hi! 

Wow, this is all really moving along nicely and I agree that you are handling this very well.  I am not sure you can see it, especially with all of the anxiety and worry you are feeling  so I wanted to tell you what I see.  I think you both are doing well.

It is exhausting to help someone and manage your own emotions at the same time. On top of that you and your husband are going to have a big change once she leaves as well.  Even some of the happiest times can cause stress.  Additionally, a change or fluctuation in stress levels can be stressful to deal with as well.

Is there anything else we can do to help you?

[Spindle0516]

Thank you, Harri. I think until we go down to FL and have this meeting there is not much else we can do apart from continuing to help her with managing her emotional rollercoasters, packing, and logistics.

I am starting to think about how she might react when we leave FL to return home and how we will support her long distance.

Not sure if I am jumping the gun and if we should just get through this stage first. Anyone have experience there? The last time my husband lived apart from my MIL, she was functioning much more independently and we weren't together yet, so I don't know what to expect.

She also saw the therapist this morning and she seemed to like her. The therapist also practices via video chat so I like that there is an outsider who might be able to support her throughout these transitions. I want my MIL to have someone she trusts, but I am curious what "facts" she is presenting to the therapist and if what she says the therapist is recommending is actually what the therapist is saying. While this has the potential to help, I can also see my MIL'S interpretations hurting this process. Anyone have their BPD SO see a therapist successfully and were you involved at all? My husband doesn't seem worried about this. He thinks I am concerning myself with something that doesn't involve us specifically and that I should let it be.

[Person2]

Anyone have their BPD SO see a therapist successfully and were you involved at all?

Your concerns about this are very intuitive. In my experience with my mother, I’ve never been with her during the few times that she’s done therapy; but in listening to her talk about it, I can tell that it’s not very effective. Due to her BPD, she presents to the therapist who she thinks she should present as, and due to this she doesn’t achieve anything.

It will be interesting to hear of the experience of a BPD SO that’s been diagnosed, and is seeing a therapist specifically for BPD.

[Methuen]

"I am asking for this family meeting because I want my family and everyone involved to be on the same page about what is going on with my health. The past year has been very difficult physically and mentally for me. Physically, I am more active in Florida and I feel better. The cold makes my joints hurt and my arthritis flares up so it limits my mobility. Overall, the weather in Florida is better for me. Also, over the last year, my anxiety and depression have increased immensely. I feel like I need to be in a place where I am in charge of myself. In NY, I am dependent on everyone else to do things for me because I dont know my surroundings and it is too stressful to navigate NYC at my age alone. I want to be in a place where I am familiar the area and can be more independent. When I was in the hospital, and in talking with my doctors, they agree that where I am is not good for my mental state. They all agree that being in my own home would minimize a lot of the emotional problems I am having. I want to take this time to discuss with all of you what has been going on and what my options are going forward."

Wow Spindle.  I thought the whole script did a fantastic job of stating the facts (without any emotion).  Why not simplify and just have her read the script off of the paper?  It's a script, and people read speeches from paper all the time.  If a professional can read from a prepared script, I think it could be helpful to your mom if she was able to do the same.  It will take a lot of pressure off her in the moment (my BPD mom can't remember anything under pressure), and MIL will have the satisfaction of knowing that she said everything she planned, afterwards.  In an ideal circumstance, she could feel proud of herself knowing she communicated her intentions.

My only question is whether or not you want to consider omitting the line I highlighted. I'm thinking that line just INVITES challenge, question and likely conflict in a family meeting, because it's inviting a response to "discuss" everything she just stated, which suggests that everything she just stated is up for discussion and questioning, and will just give the daughter and son in law open license to argue, and change the conversation to THEIR needs.  

This IS about MIL right?  It's HER house in Florida?  SHE's taking back autonomy of those things that are HERS to care for, including HER own physical and emotional well-being, and her own PHYSICAL property (her home)?  I'm wondering why they would have any right to "discuss" what's right for her?  Wouldn't there be a conflict of interest in that?  I know it's complicated, but as an outsider reading, that highlighted sentence just jumped out at me.  Everything that preceded it sounded good, but then it felt like that sentence was an invitation to question the validity of what she had just stated.  Maybe I'm way off base here.  So feel free to ignore my feedback.  I probably just don't understand all the complexities.

I think the only thing left to state after the script, is what she wants.

After that, it's up to daughter, and son-in-law to meet the needs of their landlord (MIL) right?

I hope I have all the acronyms right.  There's a lot going on for your family, so forgive me if I've got some of the relationships mixed up.

I have to say I think you and H have done a splendid job of planning this in a deeply thoughtful way.  I can read the tremendous amount of time and effort that has gone into making these plans.  

Very impressive  

I'm optimistic for you all.

[GaGrl]

Good thoughts, methuen. Maybe just change the last sentence to "as a result, here is what I want to do" or "here is my decision."

[Harri]

I concur on everything and agree with Methuen and Gagrl.

My vote is to end with

"here is my decision."

It is firm and direct and leaves little room for argument.

Well done Spindle!

[Spindle0516]

Suggested to MIL that she read off the paper for the family meeting and she loved that idea! Also suggested a change to the last line stating what her decision is and she agreed with that as well!

We had a change of plan and she decided she wants to go down a little bit before us. She said she wants to settle in so that this meeting and kicking my SIL out is not the first thing she has to do when she gets there. Soo... she is going Saturday!

We have been packing all day and it has been a bit of a roller coaster, but we seem to be getting through it. We've divided what she is flying with and what will arrive in April. She is requiring a lot of reassuring that she can do this which we have been providing.

Husband is really struggling today. He looks like a wounded puppy, and is really worrying about his sister's reaction and how his mom is going to cope, so I'm a little worried about him.

So, we are getting, slowly, but getting there.