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Author Topic: Where do I go from here?  (Read 391 times)
Thoroughbred

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 11



« on: February 16, 2020, 10:02:47 PM »

Hi everyone, new guy here.  I've been busy reading and researching a lot of new (to me) material on the internet about BPD. Wife has it although she has never been officially diagnosed - she's not the one that needs to get 'fixed' (in her words).

We've been married for decades.  I have no idea how we did it frankly.  Most of those years have just been a train wreck, and I could never understand why...why we just couldn't cruise along at an even altitude.  

About 10 years ago we had a particularly bad stretch, and I ended up going to therapy (by myself).  I vividly recall the first few minutes of the first session..."well share with me why you're here..."  and I began telling him some of the details. After about 20 seconds, he interrupts and proceeds to tell me, "so this is happening, and that's going on..." basically describing verbatim what I was going to tell him. "you realize that I'm required to report all abusive relationships, and to prevent you from going back home tonight, right?"  I looked at the guy for about 30 seconds, and said, "I don't put up with any 'bleep' I choose not to put up with."  So he quickly decided that a series of sessions where he proceeded to teach me coping skills would be productive.

Bottom line - for background about my situation, this toxic behavior from her has gone on for years (since the beginning) and it has done so much damage to the relationship, that honestly, there really isn't a relationship. Very bluntly, I'm no longer interested.  i'll tell you that I've only recently made a very explicit decision to stay 'in' the relationship for the simple reason that years ago I made a commitment 'for better or worse', and because part of my mission in life is I believe God wants me to take care of this person (who perhaps wouldn't do well on her own) as best I can.

Having said that, I'll also tell you that I've made a decision to totally detach from her.  In every way, she is little more than a roommate that shares the house with me.  After dinner I pretty quickly pack up and go downstairs to watch a ballgame on TV.  We had some business travel scheduled last month; she got into an ugly mood, and I canceled her plane ticket and went by myself. And frankly I'm feeling a ton better emotionally and mentally.

So that's a bit of the background of what I'm dealing with.  Now I have a few questions I need to ask.

One of the things she's mentioned to me in the past, is that as we continue to get older and require more care, she is not going to care for me, ironic huh? An example: This past summer I stepped off my back deck and very badly sprained my ankle. She was sitting right there, but made no move to assist me other than to ask if I was ok (without getting out of her chair). I was hurting so bad I couldn't answer.  So I have ample reasons to believe her when she states she isn't going to take care of me.

I mentioned earlier that I'm a pretty big guy, and I'm plenty capable of taking care of myself.  But what happens when I'm not completely physically able to fend off that abusive behavior on my own?

What happens when she has to make decisions in 'my best interests' and she's in one of her extended bad spells?

If I were at home and had a medical emergency, and she was in one of her numerous bad spells, I'm pretty convinced that it'd be awhile before the ambulance was called - if at all. I've shared this thought with my best friend, an attorney, that if this were to happen that he should poke around and start asking questions.

So your thoughts and advice would be deeply appreciated. So grateful to find this resource group.
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Boll Weevil

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2020, 10:57:35 PM »

Thoroughbred, I'm not sure if this is the place to comment on your situation, if not I guess the moderator will take it down.

I just wanted to say that your situation sounds very much like mine. I have been married 30 years and I don't think my wife would lift a finger to help me. For the first 10 years she was very good, the next 10 not so good, the last 10 real bad.

Like your situation, she thinks that she is fine and I need the help.

I just want to give you encouragement. I get almost no encouragement except for a couple of friends who have BPD wives. One is divorced and the other separated. Both were married nearly 20 years.

I have been through several very bad exeriences with church counselling, seminars, etc. I have an appointment Tuesday with a phD therapist who I am told is very knowledgable about BPD and has a support group.

I just want you to know that this site has good information and a lot of sympathetic people who are also in very difficult situations.

I hope that you find the answers  and help you need. I just want you to know you have friends here.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10442



« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2020, 08:11:33 AM »

I think I can speak to this having observed this with my parents. It's a difficult situation but I think the best advice I can come up with is to allow others to help you and if you have children or someone reliable you trust to make decisions for you, make legal arrangements for them to do so.

The other piece of advice I would have is to work on becoming less enmeshed with your wife so that you are able to make objective decisions.

There was no question that my severely BPD mother would not help take care of my ailing elderly ( and now deceased ) father. She doesn't take care of others and expects them to take care of her. My father did this ( and so did we kids) for as long as he was able to. However, when it happened that he needed care, the issue went beyond this. The entire family dynamic changed.

Having BPD makes it hard to manage difficult emotions. Facing illness in a spouse would be difficult for even the most balanced person. So as you can imagine my BPD mother's difficult behaviors escalated- from the situation as well as the change in her support. While the family had been focused on meeting her needs, this shifted to my father.

My father also had a role in this. It wasn't comfortable for him to let go of his caretaking role with her. Her issues were a family secret that he was invested in keeping. We went along with it until I feared it would impact his health and discussed it with his health care team. They were under the assumption that he was home with his wife who would care for him. I wanted additional help for him. This was perceived by both of them as a betrayal. Having home health workers was seen as invalidating to her and might also lead to others seeing what their situation was. They did have some help but often ended up deciding they didn't like them and let them go.

I also wanted my parents to move to a situation where Dad could get assisted living when he needed it. This seemed like an ideal situation. He would get the care he needed. None of us children live close enough to help on a regular basis and we also have our own families and jobs. We could not be full time caregivers. However he did not want to do this.

In additon, when I did visit to help, my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and my father was angry at me for speaking to others about my mother. It was tough to deal with.

So, I think my best conclusion " what I wished for" would have been that Dad was able to be realistic about the situation and allow others to help him. I realize now that this probably would not have worked well for them. Any outside help would have had an impact on the dynamics between them. He loved my mother and she was his main priority. He would not have done it any other way. I hope you are well and healthy for a long time, but if you have any concerns about this, I would say to make legal arrangements for someone you trust to make care decisions for you.

One thing my father did well was to have savings and also make arrangements for my mother in terms of a good life insurance policy. She is also elderly and because of this, is able to afford help at home and she needs it. This is a huge relief to us kids - that she has the care she needs. I am grateful that my father saved for their elderly years- for both of them. If you do not have children then this may not be as large a concern for you.

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Thoroughbred

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 11



« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2020, 09:45:39 AM »

Thanks Boll Weevil and NotWendy for your thoughtful responses.  I think I mentioned earlier that I just discovered this site not too long ago, and its a relief to connect with others who've been through this journey.

NotWendy - I never would've have guessed that not caring for a sig other would be an apparent common characteristic of bpd.  Frankly I don't mind asking for help.  So for me now, I want to research WHEN to ask, WHAT to ask for, WHO to ask, and HOW to ask.  There's no question for me that that process will change my family dynamic. So this needs to be a deliberate well thought out process.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom! I'm grateful for your sharing.
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UBPDHelp
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 794



« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2020, 10:17:16 AM »

Hi Thoroughbred,

45 years is a long time.  I have been doing it for 25+ and don’t know if I can hold on much longer.  But, agree, I took vows so I have tried to make it work. But, you know what?  My uBPDH also took vows.  To honor, to love and to cherish.  He hasn’t been doing any of those so he kind of already broke the vows, right?  And yet here I am.

But, I also wanted to say my H is the same way about caregiving.  He gets a cold and I will wait on him hand and foot and he’ll complain for weeks. Rub my back, my head hurts. On and on.

Meanwhile I manage an autoimmune disease with aching joints, fatigue, etc., and he has zero compassion. None.

One thing that occurred to me in this exchange is that he also has a hard time with anyone who is sick. My son has a friend with a brain tumor that is inoperable.  She will die before she’s ten. He absolutely will not discuss it. He’s never been willing to when life has presented these type of things and I always thought it was him not liking to talk about things he can’t fix.  Now I think he doesn’t know how to feel empathy and he wants attention on him.

Just sharing my experience.

Wish you best in the path you have chosen.  Everyone is great on here, so stay in touch.
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Thoroughbred

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 11



« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2020, 12:11:26 PM »

Hey there UBPDHelp,  Just got back from lunch and wanted to quick respond to your kind message. I can totally relate to your thought process because I've been there for years.  It's only in the past eighteen months or so that I started to get my own marbles sorted out and stop relating my life to her twisted assessments.

Your comment about your H also took vows resonated with me. The way I look at it, is that IF they honored their vows to you, if they cherished you, etc,  you wouldn't be here, and your H wouldn't have many of the symptoms that labeled him as a BPD.  It's a symptom of their own internal ghastly disfunctional beliefs about themselves.  At the end of the day and for whatever reason they have, their choices, their words and actions ARE NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.  I had to learn how to separate my life from theirs, and dang, it ain't all that bad!

On the other hand, I recently asked myself how I would feel about myself if I didn't follow through on my vows and commitments especially with the knowledge that my spouse was diagnosed with an illness called BPD that prevents her from reciprocating. What would that decision say about me as a person to my kids and grandkids? Nope I didn't sign up for this ugliness, I'm outta here. Nope I didn't sign up for a spouse with cancer or with long term injuries from a car accident, either. I looked at this from the context that if these would make you cut and run, what kind of relationship did I have in the first place?

Having said that, another thing that's really helped me cope much better and feel much better about myself in recent months, is setting boundaries with her behavior towards me. She can think whatever she wants to about me, and I'll probably never change that opinion (frankly I don't care anymore).  But when she starts to say the ghastly stuff or do inappropriate actions towards me, she knows that things for her will go downhill very rapidly.  I'll honor my vows and take care of you, but there's a limit to the 'bleep' I'll put up with.

I'm coming across as a mental health professional here, and I'm definitely not.  But I've had to learn over a long period of time that your ugly ghastly behavior DOES NOT HAVE TO BE MY PROBLEM!  I've had to learn how to separate facts from her fiction and for me to draw lines in the sand. I had to approach my personal life choices from the context of 'who am I?' 'Who do I wanna be'?  'How do I get there from here'...creating a strong sense of myself without my spouse even though we're still together.

I apologize profusely for being preachy. But it took me 45 years to get here, and I did learn a few things LOL

Sounds like you need a hug today...fold your arms and squeeze tightly.  Thanks for the post.
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