Does your pwBPD use veiled threats for control?

[UBPDHelp]

Hello all.  This is a bit of a side issue and I certainly don’t want to detract from the serious issues happening.

I’m in a watch and wait pattern on a mean veiled threat that refusing to meet my uBPDH’s demands by his imposed deadline was going to result in something big.  Deadline came and went, and a couple of days, BUT I do believe something big is coming. Divorce papers, quitting job, having an affair. I don’t know, but I feel immensely unsettled but filled with resolve on this ONE boundary. Where will I be if I fail just one boundary?

So, with silent treatment, I’ve had a lot of time to think (and get AMAZING help here!), and it reminded me how my H always says “we’ll talk about it when we get home.”  This happens most when we’re traveling (but could just be at the store) and he gets what he considers unfair pushback on something.  In the beginning it would be more like “we’ll talk about a divorce/breaking up, etc. when we get home”, but doesn’t need the details anymore. Thing is, it was usually a lot of hot air so now I just tell him that we WILL talk about it with a wink and a nod (goodness I wish I wasn’t so clueless!).

Anyway this venom feels different. He’s more on edge about changes in his career and a few personal things.

Just curious if anyone gets these kind of control threats and how you deal with them.

For what it’s worth, I have learned a lot on this site, but I feel like I’m doing a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and I just have one corner and some edge done and the rest is still a big mess. Just don't have all the pieces together yet.

Thanks for any input!

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[khibomsis]

Dear UBPDhelp, it sounds like you are doing great! Boundaries are not about the other person, they are about us. Live your boundary and don't worry about what he is doing. When it comes it comes. What is important is that you change - you are the only person you have power over.

That said, sudden changes in us are a cause of huge stress in our partners. It could be that the murmurings you hear under the surface are his worry over your new behaviour. It is a feature of BPD that he would instantly put the worst interpretation on it. He may be as worried as you are.

I find it helps to communicate around your intention to change and prepare the both of you for what is coming. This can of course only happen while he is at baseline, during a dysregulation it would be fatally misinterpreted.

In the meantime, maybe a refresher course on boundaries? I have found Co-Dependents Anonymous incredibly liberating, not least because it gives me a support system. There is also a thread on this site that I found very helpful:   https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Let us know how it goes. I see you are posting, I hope you surf too and gain perspective from others stories. We are a community supporting each other  through the process, there are no experts, only each other.
 
Khib

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Khib,

Thanks for the reply.

I am really trying to hold on to this boundary for me b/c in all honesty, I don’t really have a choice. If I hear one more time what a horrible, disgusting person I am, I might totally break.

It’s funny, my H has oft threatened that I wouldn’t know when the one time I was going to push him away and it would be the final straw and yet here I am feeling like I simply can’t listen to this one second longer.

I feel selfish b/c I feel like I am forcing a family break that ultimately may be best for my mental health, but will it be for my kids? But if not, will there be anything left of me for them. Definite catch 22.

I am reading about boundaries, invalidation (this feels tricky and confusing) and every tool and others posts I can get my hands on.

It is not all in place in my head yet or how to apply it to my situation, but I am working through it.

Thank you for the support and advice.  It is truly appreciated.

[khibomsis]

UBPDHelp, what are your own support systems in all this? PTSD in partners is a real thing, and I have often seen on these boards someone throw in the towel after mountains of patient hard work because their nerve quite simply broke. At those times I think it is their subconscious signalling the flight or flight response, and it is something we should take with the utmost seriousness.

Your feelings of exhaustion are very real, please let us know what you are doing to refresh and restore your energies?
 
Khib 

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Khib,

Thanks for the reply.  I don’t have a support system at all.  I have allowed him to alienate me from my family, but no one is really left anymore and although I have quite a few friends, I have never let anyone in on his behavior. Doing so would mean no turning back and I wasn’t ready to take that step.  I’m not sure I am now either, but I’m closer than I’ve ever been.

Truth is his behavior was more of an exception for years and has shifted to more and more frequently over say the last 8-10, with this past 6 months to a year being dysregulared more than not. The timing, partly from me being in denial, is not exact because I was just in a state of trying to survive. It feels like forever.

We haven’t spoken in almost a week.  That’s never happened before, but he demands I answer his questions and I’ve told him I will no longer do so (not all questions  , just the ones about my previous relationship 30 years ago).

We exchanged messages at the start of the week — me, what’s for dinner.  Him, I not doing X until you answer my questions. End of conversation. The last two days he has not come home and there has been zero contact.

I’m sad for me and for our kids, we don’t deserve this.  I’m sad for him that he’s so broken that he needs to annihilate me in order to feel better. He doesn’t believe I love him.  I definitely did, so much, but I honestly don’t know anymore. How could you love someone who treats you this way? 

Problem is that it hasn’t been all bad and when it was just occasional outbursts, I was able to “overlook” it. Now, I have to be brought to my knees on an almost daily basis. 

I tend to ramble, sorry.  I have no one to talk to and it all just comes spilling out. All my thoughts and emotions and what ifs and what to dos.

[GaGrl]

You mention that he says you won't know when you reach his "final straw," but really - - YOUR final straw has been reached, and you've drawn your boundary regarding it.

Your boundary is as important as his final straw.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi GaGrl,

Exactly right!  I commented in another thread that he has threatened that last straw so many times and it felt scary...but I feel like I’m the one that actually got there.

On the flip side, I think expecting you H not to verbally attack you on something from decades ago, and that you were honest about from the beginning, isn’t much to ask.  Seems simple and such a stupid thing to end it all on.

And yet here I am. 

[GaGrl]

On the surface it seems a simple thing and stupid for it to be the reason to end it all.

But you know that it is simply the hook onto which he hangs all his negative behaviors. If it hadn't been the previous relationship  he focused on all these years, it would have been something else. He has a personality disorder that you cannot fix -- although you can employ some tools to better manage daily behavior.

[khibomsis]

UBPDHelp, any boundary you set is going to be a shock. Our partners don't deal well with change. This one sounds eminently reasonable.

Once Removed once said that he notices relationships don't make it through once contempt is present.  That doesn't seem to be the case here, so have hope. Keep reading and browsing the tools so you are ready for the next recycle.

One thing I always say but seldom live up to is enjoy the peace while you can  

 
Khib    

[Adrian26]

I understand what you're going through.

My ex would repeatedly postpone 'the talk' - yet they never happened. It's an attempt to control, to soothe existing turbulence for the short term. She would often say that when she felt under attack because I pushed us to talk about unresolved issues in our relationship.

Whats important is to assess your own health and wellbeing regarding these issues. To speak harshly: you should not allow your partner to dictate the ebb and flow of your relationship. Succumbing to threats or deadline will only reinforce behaviour and invite your partner to continue using these techniques.

It might sound scary, risky, or dangerous: but I'd almost advice to call her bluff. Of course you fear negative consequences, but I believe that if they happen, they will happen regardless of accepting her deadlines or silent treatment. In fact, showing boundaries not only protects you and your feelings, they will probably also decrease the chances of negative consequences happening.
Naturally, if she uses the silent treatment to create distance, you'll have to distinguish between being punished or controlled, and between an actually necessary step for her to create space to regulate her emotions.