How to deal with being provoked

[Sandy Beach]

I have a sister who has OCD, BPD, and NPD. I have so much anxiety when I know I have to be around her. She is 50 and she lives with our parents for her whole life other than college.

What I want to know is how do I deal with her continually trying to provoke me about the same things year after year? It seems like she has gotten progressively more hostile towards me every year.

One thing I've had to deal with for years is her constantly harasses me about is taking certain crazy products. Just before Christmas my husband after a long battle with Lou Gehrig's disease. After a year of essentially ignoring my husband she went overboard at Thanksgiving. She brought over this big bag of products she thought he should be taking and gave this long presentation. My husband finally had to say he was exhausted for her to stop. She was beyond insensitive. Afterwards she texted me ask if we had tried them. I tried to politely ask her not to bring these products anymore. I tried to get her to understand but she went I to a rage and told me how ungrateful I was. I blocked her # after that. I have as little contact with her as possible. At Christmas when we got together as a family she gave me a DVD of the movie P.S. I Love You about a husband who dies and leaves notes around the house for her find which say P.S. I Love You. She has a history of giving me gifts to purposely hurt or provoke me. If she senses I don't like it I'm an ungrateful person.

She made me sick at the funeral. She made jokes and laughed loudly. My husband was a retired detective so the police department was there with the honor guard. She went around to talk to all the police about how my husband was like a brother to her which is a total lie.  My children who are 17 and 21 have learned to flank me otherwise she will attach herself to me.

Soon we will be going out for our dad's 86th birthday. There was a call from my parents' house. Thinking it was one of my parents I answered the phone and it was my sister. As soon as she had a chance she began pushing these weird products on me. She always has these strange ailments and takes weird products. She has my very elderly dad drove her all over the state to get crazy treatments from quack doctors which of course never work. My dad is very much an enabler.  The treatments never work because I believe she has a psychological need to be sick.

I just don't know how to get her to stop pushing these products on me and harassing me about them. Being polite has not worked. I know that going I to a rage won't work either. I just want to be prepared. I shouldn't have this stress in my life. Dealing with my grief over losing my soul mate to a cruel disease is enough.

[Butane]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the situation for your sister.
I think a perfect resource for you would be the book "stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" . Of the many books I've read/listened to on the topic, I think that one would suit.

It's very hard to concentrate to read when one in grieving or stressed. I have this one as an audio book, and played it A LOT when driving and doing housework.

[Harri]

Hi and

I am so sorry to hear about your husband.  How are you and the kids coping with that?

Regarding your sister persistently recommending products you do not want and are not interested in, I would just thank her politely and say no.  If she persists, say Please stop, I am not interested.  If she gets angry and starts yelling I would take a break from the conversation (go to the bathroom, go for a walk, etc) after saying something like Please stop, I have said i am not interested in those things.  I am going for a walk and will be back in 20 minutes. 

She will continue to push and may even escalate her behaviors but over time as you are consistent she may stop.  Not getting upset and giving her a reaction will be important.   You are right that getting angry will not work.  Being polite is nice and when you ask her to stop you want to do so in a way that is consistent with your values but sometimes you have to get a bit more abrupt and firm. 

What do you think?  When you visit, do you stay in a hotel or do you stay with your sister and parents?

[Sandy Beach]

My sister and parents live a half hour away so I don't have to contend with them spending the night or vice versa. Unless we all go up to my parents cottage for a week. Then it's a nightmare by the end of the week.

I have tried all of the things you suggest and read many books. But my sister has persisted for YEARS in pushing products. No matter how much I politely tell her no she continues. I have left the room, limited my contact with her and now she is trying to use my kids. My son goes over to help my parents with cleaning and she sends products back with him.  I think I may need to blow up. My sister pushed on another issue for a year every time I saw her. One time she was deliberately provoking me at dinner and afterwards in the car and I lost it. I blew up and screamed and swore at her like never before. She hasn't brought it up since. 

When we were little she used to provoke me over and over for attention until I'd get mad. Then she'd stand behind my dad with a big smirk on her face when he scolded me. Finally he caught on to her and told her "next time I'm going to let her clean your clock." Then she stopped at least with that tactic. Then she went to new tactics.

[Thanks]

I am so sorry you have lost your husband. Taking care of yourself and children is number one priority and I am guessing you do that; you sound like a wonderful person.

Would you ever consider telling your parents you will see them but need a year off from your sister at this time? They know how she is and should understand how important your needs are right now. Maybe they could visit you, or you could meet them instead of going to their place where your sister is. After that year it will be easier to continue to avoid her.

If you do see her and she forces products on you, rather than arguing, simply donate them to ARC or Goodwill. Let her know they will go to someone who wants them since you don't.

Hoping for better times soon for your grieving family!

[Harri]

Hi. 

I say this with a lot of caution and exceptions but here goes:  sometimes 'blowing up' is a good option.  I don't mean screaming, yelling, losing your cool as that just plays into the game, or at least it did for me and on top of that I then felt bad about the way I acted.  I do mean being firm and perhaps less polite and caring.  I have found saying "knock it off" in a firm tone and a straight face works quite well.  There is also an attitude that goes along with that too.  One that confirms the "knock it off" and everything combined can be concluded with "stop talking to me about these products, I am not interested.  Knock it off". 

Have you tried that?  Sorry, trying to brainstorm here with word you can say.

[Methuen]

I just don't know how to get her to stop pushing these products on me and harassing me about them. Being polite has not worked.

It isn't surprising that being polite hasn't worked with BPD NPD and OCD.  You've also mentioned that this has gone on for years.  You sound like a polite, patient and kind person.  She's probably using that.

Time to try a new approach.  Diplomacy hasn't worked.  Try "directness" instead maybe?  I like Harri's wording a lot: 

"stop talking to me about these products, I am not interested.  Knock it off".

Say it with authority, and in a clear voice, and I'd put money on her leaving you alone, 'cause it's going to catch her by surprise, and she's going to get the message that you mean business.

         

[TelHill]

Hello Sandy Beach,

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. My husband passed away two years ago from heart disease. It is very difficult to grieve this kind of loss.  It is still effecting me to a large degree. I get tired more easily. I also noticed my dBPDmom, enabler dad & troubled brother treating me with less respect and kindness as a widow. 

My late husband looked like a nightclub bouncer. He was a nice guy, but many people were a bit intimidated by him due to his size. I lost my husband and my security guard.   Is it possible that your sister is going from bad to worse because your late husband was a policeman?

I am with Harri. Firmly and succinctly will do. You are lucky it’s a family member.  I worked in places where people sold Avon, Amway, Herbal Life and their kids’ Girl Scout cookies. I learned never to feign interest to be polite. The sales pitches didn’t end until they or I left the department.  You can’t tell coworkers to knock it off directly. I used to avoid their cubicles to avoid them.

I wish you and your children the best at this difficult time.

[overpack]

It isn't surprising that being polite hasn't worked with BPD NPD and OCD.  You've also mentioned that this has gone on for years.  You sound like a polite, patient and kind person.  She's probably using that.

Time to try a new approach.  Diplomacy hasn't worked.  Try "directness" instead maybe?  I like Harri's wording a lot: 

"stop talking to me about these products, I am not interested.  Knock it off".

Say it with authority, and in a clear voice, and I'd put money on her leaving you alone, 'cause it's going to catch her by surprise, and she's going to get the message that you mean business.

         

Hello,

I often find that replying in this way is more effective when dealing with my BPD mother. I have to be firm, not engage, don’t give explanations to her. Being polite doesn’t really work when she becomes too insistent about something.

[Sandy Beach]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for all the good suggestions. I do think that my husband shielded me which is why she would would always try to get me alone in order to she verbally attack me.

On rare occasions I have spent time with my parents without my sister. It's really nice and I wish it could be more often. 

I think that I am going to have to be more direct and assertive with her regardless of how she reacts. There are times when I have blown up mainly because my frustrations build up then that makes me feel worse. I don't want to get to that point.

I read an article before that said to respond with reminding them how you have told them no before like "as you well know, I have told you many times before ..."