Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:54:03 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Hello. I feel desperate.  (Read 468 times)
seven_ate_nine

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: mother
Posts: 3


« on: February 24, 2020, 09:41:11 AM »

First post here. Hi. I'm mom to three kids. A set of identical twin 17-yr-old girls and a 9-yr-old boy. My first-born twin is borderline. Her twin sister has some emotional regulation issues as well but those are easier to chalk up to simply being a teenager. But my firstborn twin is breaking me. She has always been a difficult baby and toddler, which then manifested into intense determination during her grade school and middle school years -- she is the kid who won contests, made the varsity dance team against all odds, identified as Gifted & Talented and placed in special classes, etc. She was the kid I never worried about. She was the kid I felt assured would succeed no matter what. And then she hit a wall. Bam. At age 16, she regressed back into toddler-like behavior. She dropped out of dance and started skipping school, doing drugs, and generally decaying in front of my eyes. She had replaced all of her friends with some bad influences. And then the rages started. Violent, verbally abusive rages. Traumatic rages that will forever trigger me. I put in her therapy immediately. She enjoyed it. The therapist said she exhibits traits of BPD but not to rely on that as a diagnosis. My daughter entered rehab voluntarily and was then removed after making an off-hand remark about self harm. She has never been suicidal and I don't worry (yet) about self harm. But the abusive rages have gotten worse. I finally found a DBT therapy outpatient clinic where she has been attending twice per week for over 2 months now. I have seen improvement but we still have relapses of rages. My son has been traumatized by her.  During our worst times, I was having to lock myself in a room while she destroys my house, screams hurtful words at me, and tries to attack me. While she doesn't seem to get that bad anymore, I am still traumatized and triggered when I sense her escalating. I think I am broken. I've entered a pretty bad state of total despair regarding her. I see no productive future for her. She is unmotivated to go to college. I'm not even sure she will graduate high school. She won't get a job. She is a fragile presence in my home. I've set boundaries to the best of my ability. She knows I will leave if she rages at me and will speak to her once she calms. When things are calm and normal, I feel close to her and love her. Other times, I simply hate her and wish she would leave and find another family to terrorize. Obviously I know that is reactionary and not completely rational. But if I'm being honest here, I am afraid of this person and don't really even like this person. In my worst despair, I fantasize about her finally turning 18 so that I can pack up her belongings and change the locks on my house. I'm not proud of these thoughts. I know they are rooted in deep pain. I am so broken and so beat down. At some point, I will be out of options and strength to help her. While my friends are celebrating the teens' imminent high school graduation and planning parties and college orientations, I'm isolating myself further in my shame and depression.  Which, I guess, is why I am here.  Thanks for listening.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2020, 10:00:55 AM »

Pull up a chair  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

These are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult. You've done some heroic things to try and stabilize the family and even so, she is unable to regulate her emotions and color inside the lines. It can really rattle the whole family.

I'm impressed with how thoughtfully and insightfully you've addressed what are very challenging threats to the family's well-being and peace, yours included.

I've read somewhere that 16 is believed to be the peak of worst behavior. So much can happen developmentally, although it can feel like watching paint dry when you are living this day to day. If you would like to read a profound story of BPD silver lining Marsha Linehan's memoir is one to read.

The highschool college transition is particularly hard because it's so darn public and social and feels like the milestone we have been working toward since their birth. It is terribly sad to have a child who does not launch on time -- it's also not uncommon, except some setbacks occur after a child gets to college and fails to adjust. Or adjust with drugs and alcohol and other risky behaviors.

Does she recognize that she has severe emotion regulation issues? How much did the DBT skills stick?

Logged

Breathe.
seven_ate_nine

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: mother
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2020, 10:27:38 AM »

Well damn, this is already some of the most comforting validation I've heard yet. If the book you mentioned is a success story, I'm ordering it today. One of her therapists strongly advised me against projecting my despair and hopelessness onto her. I've been trying. My stance with her has been "Let's get you mentally strong and healthy. I'm here to help you. I won't give up."  But that becomes quite hard to maintain when my default as a HSP and empath is to feel intense despair. I know that I need therapy. But carving space for that when I'm 100% committed to my BPD kid and two other kids is not easy. You asked if she is aware of her emotional regulation problems. She absolutely is aware. She is a very self-aware person and she is an eager participant in the DBT one-on-one and group sessions. I have had her approach me and begin with, "Ok. I'm going to try something I learned in DBT... we learned about compromise..." And it has gone swimmingly. But other times, she boils over into a complete rage. I do believe she feels remorseful after. She will scream, "I can't wait to see your dead body in a grave!" (perhaps the most awful thing she has said to me, yes.) And then 5 minutes later, she is apologetic and rational. "I'm sorry, mom. I was irrational and angry. You know I don't mean those things." The conflict she must feel internally has got to be agonizing. What I really need is to hear some success stories. I would love to hear about these DBT teens who have rehabilitated and matured. Or stories about the success of DBT therapy. Because at this point, I'm going broke paying for it and my full time job is suffering from being gone so often when I am taking her to her appointments. 

Thank you for that response. Like I said, the validation feels like a warm hug.
Logged
Bandiro

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: She is my daughter
Posts: 29


« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2020, 01:03:42 PM »

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My DD, 18, has been a very reactive child since the day she was born. Lots of temper tantrums growing up. It was right around age 16 that I really noticed that she was withdrawing from our family. Stopped engaging and interacting with her immediate and extended family. Spent all her time alone in her room when she was home with us, but still maintained many friendships and would laugh and interact with her friends. The rages also started - they were quite different from her childhood temper tantrums. I just couldn't understand how she didn't see how irrational she was. I also had her start seeing a therapist around that time, but she was not diagnosed, and all she seemed to get out of it was that everything was my fault and if I would just leave her alone and not have any restrictions or rules, then everything would be fine. I also worried about her dropping out of school (she was also a high achieving student), but she did stay in school and while her grades fell a bit, she still did well.
She is now in college. It has been challenging. After starting off strong, she had a breakdown after she broke up with her boyfriend, because he would not visit her at college every weekend. She ended up in the hospital and has since been diagnosed with BPD by my therapist, who is in contact with her therapist. I don't know if her therapist has given her an official diagnosis, or if she has been told she has or might have BPD. Last semester, she pretty much gave up on her classes (completely stopped going to class) in the middle of the semester and barely passed. I was driving her to weekly therapy sessions but she still seemed to be getting worse. She had some very erratic behavior when she was home for winter break - a lot of it caused by her ex-boyfriend refusing to see her or talk to her while she was home. She wasn't even sure she was going to go back for the spring semester, but she did. I gave her a minimum GPA that she had to achieve this semester in order for me to continue paying for college. I also told her she had to continue therapy (she didn't want to, says it doesn't help anything).
So you asked for success stories - can't say yet that I have one, but I have seen significant progress. She is going to class and so far getting her work done and getting good grades. I have spent quite a bit of time with her (driving to therapy, family gatherings, etc) since she went back a month and a half ago, and she hasn't had any rages. The one time she did get upset with me over text message, she later apologized, on her own, which she never does. I have no idea if her therapist is doing DBT with her, she doesn't talk about therapy with me. She is still very quiet and withdrawn with me and her extended family, but is spending a lot more time actually with us, rather than locked away in her room. She complains a lot about being bored: School is boring, there is nothing to do there, her classes are boring, etc. She says the only good thing about college is the friends she has made.
One thing that has changed for me in the last couple months is  that I have made it a point to validate her feelings. I used to point out when she was being irrational, or make suggestions on how to fix things when she complained. Now I just tell her that I understand she is upset, I know that life is hard for her, and I just want her to be happy. I don't try to reason with her. She really seems to respond to the validation.
I am happy with the changes I have seen in her and hope they continue. I am hoping she will keep up with her college work for the whole semester and not give up half way through like she did last semester. This summer will be a test - she will be back home with me and I am the one she rages at and resents the most. I am expecting her to get a full time job (or close to it), so we will see how that goes. I still worry about her constantly, but I can honestly say she is in a better place now than she has been in the last couple years. I think life will always be harder for her than it is for the average person, and happiness will be harder for her to attain, but I am very hopeful that she will eventually at least be content in life, and be able to have a successful future with successful relationships. A month ago, I didn't see that as a possibility. Good luck with your DD. I know how hard this is, and it is all consuming. I also understand the devastating effects it has on the rest of the family.
Modifying to add: my DD does drink and smoke marijuana, and she also vapes. TBH, I don't worry too much about it as long as its in moderation - I have 2 older kids that also did that (not the vaping though, which bothers me the most) during high school and college, and they are both well adjusted, successful adults. I would worry if harder drugs were involved though. And that is always a concern with BPD and the impulsiveness that goes along with it.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2020, 01:15:09 PM by Bandiro » Logged
seven_ate_nine

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: mother
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2020, 01:59:50 PM »

This really does sound eerily familiar. Except that my daughter is very open to and enjoys therapy. I think she likes having the outlet to speak freely. You touched on something really key for me, too: That I am the punching bag for my borderline teen. Just like you said you are. But your post sounds to me like your DD is maturing past the very reactionary stuff. To know that I am at the peak and headed toward calmness & maturity would feel like winning the lottery right now. Thank you for your response. I hope that your daughter can learn to be open to therapy and know what an amazing tool that is to have at her disposal.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2020, 03:51:43 PM »

Being willing to use her DBT skills is huge, wow. It probably doesn't feel like a trophy when she's saying horrible things, I totally get that. And it must be awful to have to hide in your room when she's out of her mind with rage. How have you been picking up the pieces after that? I remember someone here had a daughter who went into the garage to rage and like your daughter, she seemed to have some self awareness when things were about to go off the rails.

About success stories, I should add that Marsha Linehan is the woman who developed DBT therapy  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Buddha and the Borderline is also a powerful memoir by a woman with BPD who went through DBT. I found it helped me increase compassion when SD23 was living with us.

And Dr Gundersen (now passed, one of the US experts on BPD) compiled essays from BPD sufferers in different stages of recovery and published it as a book called Beyond Borderline.

We also have some breakthroughs collected here.

I'm a step parent so I have a bit of distance and SD23 is quiet BPD. But my older sibling and ex husband both have BPD traits and being the target of intense rage can definitely cause PTSD. My body responded to SD23's presence like an attack was imminent -- her lack of boundaries and neediness seemed to hit the same part of my nervous system as an intruder might. To be effective, I had to get my hands around that stuff. It's still a work in progress but it's definitely progress.

You have to take care of yourself like your life is the most precious thing you have in your possession, in my experience. That can be hard when you feel guilt but with the help of a therapist you hopefully can make small steps towards feeling less guilt.

Also, it's great that you recognize your own HSP traits and empathy.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

That goes a long way.

Logged

Breathe.
PeaceMom
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 546


« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2020, 07:41:51 AM »

My DD20 was always a handful and seemed overstimulated from the day we adopted her, however, things got much worse around 15 and 16. It turns out she actually had some abuse from a boyfriend then. That seemed to push her In to the promiscuity, marijuana use, school issues, isolation at home and rage. She was in T then but I wasn’t aware of the trauma so it never came up in her T.

LNL, your comment about SD’s neediness and dysregulation causing you to have the same physical, mental, emotional (all 3?)responses as if an intruder broke in is EXACTLY my experience except that she lives here.

Makes me think of “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” theory that the once the lion chase begins the zebra goes into flight response, but as soon as threat is over zebra goes back to grazing, sunning and swatting flies. I’m not sure how to navigate this as my Fight/Flight/freeze is always on at some level bc of DD. The threat of rage, nasty words, neediness, lack of her own personal safety seems real and imminent at all times.

How are soldiers on the front line taught to discern true danger when their body is flooded with cortisol? I’m thinking out loud here, but this seems to be a core challenge for many of us.

My T would likely say, your home is your castle and you deserve to feel safe and conflict free within its walls. Well,  I guess not if we are allowing an ill young adult to live here.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!