Why don't I ever truly learn? We are so wired.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel like I never learn. I do...sorta. I broke off from my bpd ex almost ten years ago. Really focused on other things in life but still dated. I was with a bpd woman last year for months. Even on her bookshelf were books about bpd. I wised up and broke it off. But now, I feel like I was in a tailspin last week.

So, I meet "C" on an online dating site. We hit it off on text and phone. Flirt. She sends me revealing pictures. Talks about her fantasies that she wants to come true. I knew this was heading in the wrong direction but still wanted to have fun. First date I am going to pick her up. She calls me ten minutes before I get there and says just come in and that she is going to be lounging in her pajamas. Nothing sexy. I am talking flannel pajamas curled up on the couch watching tv. Huh? She spends the majority of the next three hours (after some kissing) talking about"

1. how horrible her ex husband was
2. her horrible marriage and divorce
3. terrible things at work
4. how she hates being alone and wants dating to lead to marriage with someone
5. how she was manipulated, etc. by people
6. her unstable eating habits, some new meds helping her lose weight
7. how she is uncomfortable dating again but does not want to be alone

Just the weirdest first date I was ever on. After that night, she is distant, cold to me and then ghosts me with no explanation. You would think I would say "whew" but I didn't. I felt hurt. Thrown away. Confused. And mad at myself more than anything. I knew and saw the red flags. But I went ahead anyway. I was so physically attracted to her that I did not care. And that is the main thing that bothers me. I really felt so attached to her in such a short time. She reminded me of my bpd ex so much and it felt comfortable and I wanted it no matter what.

Ugh.

[ArtistGuy70]

I feel like I never learn. I do...sorta. I broke off from my bpd ex almost ten years ago. Really focused on other things in life but still dated. I was with a bpd woman last year for months. Even on her bookshelf were books about bpd. I wised up and broke it off. But now, I feel like I was in a tailspin last week.

So, I meet "C" on an online dating site. We hit it off on text and phone. Flirt. She sends me revealing pictures. Talks about her fantasies that she wants to come true. I knew this was heading in the wrong direction but still wanted to have fun. First date I am going to pick her up. She calls me ten minutes before I get there and says just come in and that she is going to be lounging in her pajamas. Nothing sexy. I am talking flannel pajamas curled up on the couch watching tv. Huh? She spends the majority of the next three hours (after some kissing) talking about"

1. how horrible her ex husband was
2. her horrible marriage and divorce
3. terrible things at work
4. how she hates being alone and wants dating to lead to marriage with someone
5. how she was manipulated, etc. by people
6. her unstable eating habits, some new meds helping her lose weight
7. how she is uncomfortable dating again but does not want to be alone

Just the weirdest first date I was ever on. After that night, she is distant, cold to me and then ghosts me with no explanation. You would think I would say "whew" but I didn't. I felt hurt. Thrown away. Confused. And mad at myself more than anything. I knew and saw the red flags. But I went ahead anyway. I was so physically attracted to her that I did not care. And that is the main thing that bothers me. I really felt so attached to her in such a short time. She reminded me of my bpd ex so much and it felt comfortable and I wanted it no matter what.

Ugh.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ArtistGuy70, Don't beat yourself up!  Now you know what to avoid next time: women in pajamas.  Just kidding!  Seriously, our setbacks are actually reminders of what we need to work on.  You know what you need to work on, right?  You can do it.

LuckyJim

[ArtistGuy70]

Thanks Jim. I guess I still scratch my head at "why do these people act like this?"

Yeah. Still a big work in progress here. As much as my brain knew the red flags, I still wanted her. That's the worst part. She would have caused me a lot of heart ache and more down the road if I would have.

[once removed]

As much as my brain knew the red flags, I still wanted her.

after my ex i got with a gal that was objectively, outwardly bad news. she used those words: "im bad news". i pursued it anyway. it was short lived, and like you, when her attention waned, i really suffered over it.

i think this illustrates that the dating world is about a great deal more than spotting red flags; youre going to encounter lots of these types of women, and other types, in the dating world.

its about making hard, but necessary mental and emotional choices.

its about better knowing ourselves, better understanding others, and better understanding the dating world and our expectations.

its about understanding what our model for what attraction and a healthy relationship look like, and making a concerted effort to gravitate toward another model.

[ArtistGuy70]

once removed Thank you. Yes. I know what I am attracted to and it's mostly bad news. Women who crave attention all the time. Those who are jealous (even jealous of my relationship with my daughter) to an extreme. Who say and do things, then deny or justify it. Over sexed in order to lure us in. Then manipulate until they are done. The interest always wanes. Whether it takes weeks or years. And their new rescuer is waiting in the wings. It's why I am mad at myself more than her. I KNOW BETTER but still go through with it.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you as you wonder why you continue to ignore red flags and date the wrong women. I grew up with a mother with BPD, and I have worked for many years to stop trying to find the love I never got in my family with the wrong men. It has taken years of therapy and building a stronger foundation for myself to not act on these attractions or feel them. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep getting to know yourself better and improving your life, and you will get there. We are here for you.

[ArtistGuy70]

z...Thank you for the kind words. We all need to remember to be kind to ourselves like we do for others.