Wife has bdp, finally I learned about it in couples counseling

[pdsbk]

Hello to all,
 Within the last 4 months I have finally discovered that my wife of 7 months (living together for 4 years) is a BPD. During couples counseling, the counselor recognized what was going on and recommended that I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" among others. She told my wife she needs to do EMDR therapy and online DBT course. So at this point I have read almost half the book, and learned about what is happening with her. It all makes sense now, after putting all the pieces of the puzzle together and witnessing her behavior since we met. She has had "blow outs" with her parents numerous times, some of her few friends as well. She is an open book and told me how her childhood was, with abuse from mainly her dad, both sexually and emotionally, with a couple physical incidences too.
Knowing all of her past and where we are now ,it  all makes sense now.  She has had anger bouts where she destroys, throws objects, has hit me numerous times, I've bleed 3 times from her. I had the police come to house twice, she was arrested once for spousal abuse. I bailed her out. Of course everything was my fault, which at times I kind of believed, but not really. I have responded with my own anger and rage, stopping short of hitting her. We have almost broken up numerous times, too many to count, but keep trying.
She is my second long term relationship, my last lasting for 25 years, ending in splitting up amicably due to her pain med abuse and health issues. My current wife is 13 years younger, I'm 57, business owner/successful/homeowner, she is 44 not working/has chronic LYME disease/waiting to get disability/military vet,and has a 16 yo daughter that I love. I love my wife very much and she has many good qualities, but as all of you know, everything can turn on a dime, for whatever reason.
I have hope that her therapy will help, since she is admitting that she has a problem, which was evident in the fact that she owned the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and also " I hate you". But she has made the comment in counseling that her ex read the Eggshell book and then he "changed". I have already set some boundaries and I don't always give her permission to be BPD abusive. So I have hope that I can navigate this the best way possible.
I have already come to a conclusion that if we do breakup, I will be fine and look at the positive of both sides. I have always been an optimist. If we did breakup, I think I would stay single for a while and not date either for awhile, to reboot/recover.
I would greatly appreciate anyone's thoughts/input, since you all know what it's like dealing with a BPD.

Thank you

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[Harri]

Hi pdsbk and .

You are in the right place to get support and talk with others who are working through various aspects of their relations, learning tools to make things better and learning better ways to communicate.  All of those things can make life easier for you.

You mentioned physical abuse with her as the aggressor.  We have many people here who have reported similar.  We take safety seriously here so I want to ask you if you are safe now?  When was the last time she hit you?  The last time she broke something?   Sorry for the questions.  I know it can be hard to talk about this so answer when you feel ready.  Know that you are in a safe place and we really do get it here. 

I have already set some boundaries and I don't always give her permission to be BPD abusive. So I have hope that I can navigate this the best way possible.

Good.  Can you tell us more about your boundaries, what they are and how you express them (if you do) and how you enforce them?

Again, I am glad you found us and posted for support.  I hope to hear more from you.