BDP GF dumped me after 2 years I want to understand her, still theres a chance?

[stressftw]

It started in October 2017, she texted me about a game she played and I was a professional in that game and she wanted to know if I was still playing, I said yes, but I didn't want to talk to her very much because I didn't find her very much attractive and didn't even want to get involved with someone at that moment. From then on, she did EVERYTHING to win me over and beg me for a chance, she was very very attracted by me fisically saying that i was one of the most beautiful men she ever saw and she was literally 5 months begging until I gave her a chance and we started dating.

We started dating in April 2018 15, and the first months were very intense she made statements and cried for fear of one day losing me, sex was intense, however, I was a depressed guy and she has BDP by that time i didn't leave the house either. She knew of this and said that this was not a problem for our relationship, over time I felt that the weight of not going out started to make her reflect on our relationship and after a long time, in October 2019 she wanted to end the relationship.
She explained the reasons and said it was for the reason that I didn’t go out with her and didn’t leave the house and also didn’t have a job, etc., she said she lost her attraction to me, she was no longer interested in having sex and we had sex a few times, once a month practically

The next day I asked her to talk, said I was willing to change for her, and that I would start going out with her every weekend and start streamar because I have a fan base in the game I play, she accepted me back, and I felt that we were fine again, it worked for 4 months, until the fourth month I took a 3 weeks break from the stream and she stopped the usage of the remedy for anxiety i was very stressed, then around 1month and a half ago I woke up melancholy and I declared to her thanking her for being my port safe, she gave me a cold shower and said that she didn't intend to be a safe haven for anyone and that she didn't want to carry that burden, the next day she took out our picture together on facebook and started to distance herself from me and act cold and strange. In the meantime I did everything to try to reverse the situation, but it seemed to be in vain. When she took out our picture, I believe it was the moment when she started approaching another guy while solidifying the idea of ​​breaking up with me.

And yesterday she broke up with me, she didn't even call me personally because of the corona virus quarantine or because she really didn't want to see me, but she was cold, and said she wanted to finish and there was nothing I could do to reverse it and that I didn’t want to hear too much what I had to say so as not to sensitize her to go back and give me another chance, she said she was liking another guy and didn’t want to be with a depressed guy who puts himself down, even though she knew I was I started therapy and was improving dramatically. I couldnt even believe it was her speaking, she was so cold, so cruel, I don't know if it has to do with the fact that she stopped taking her anxiety medication and the contraceptives,  but even in relation to the posts she made on facebook, they were futile, it seemed like I didn't know the person I dated for so long she was/is strange, futile, cold

Our relationship has always been excellent, we look alike, I am beautiful, intelligent, I have good financial condition, we like the same things, played the same games, think similarly, and I helped her A LOT when she had her anxiety attacks , and she always said that I was the person who knew best how to deal with her, and that she stayed the longest in life, but that things come to an end. She couldnt take the fact that i was fighting a depression and stayed for me, She knew that i would never abandon her. After that, i blocked her on all social medias, if she wants to talk to me, she knows where i live, and my phone. But i really doubt she will. She said to me right before breaking up that she usually dont regret her decisions and its final. But i know she is a roller coaster of emotions, she's feeling high now, because of college and because she met this guy at college that interested her, she started to meet new people, even though she basically doesn't have friends, doesn't have a father and her relationship with her mother is horrible, she left me knowing that I was the only person who would really be there for her and that she spoke all day, our relationship was truly awesome, with little to no fights but she messed up always overthinking and comparing things that she see.
Im lost, im destroyed right now, i dont feel that i have strenght to fight back, im literally no contacting her and trying to move on, i blocked her everywhere and i wont go back. But my father and my mother tells me that she will
definitely come back at some point and i shouldnt comeback to her because shes acted like a psychopath with me
So i left with this false hope, and with my heart broke in pieces. I dont know what to do.

She also had alot of relationships, like more than 8 i am the third one who she had sex with, and the one that she did most sex. Also our relationship was the one that lasted longer, i know that she is the problem here. She is very hard and probably wont find a good partner to stay with, she also said to me even when our relationship was good that shes broke and will probably end up alone because shes very hard to deal with. She said to me that she really wanted to change this in her but
but she said she didn't know if she was going to make it,
I still can't believe it ended like this, I'm very sad and the worst is this false hope that stays in my head even though I blocked it from all social networks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[anonymous2122112]

man, run away. will do more harm in the long run.
try imagine your later life with a partner with BPD and a child, threatening with divorce.

[stressftw]

pls some 1 give me a light

[stressftw]

please help

[stressftw]

please im freaking out

[once removed]

hi stressftw, and

Im lost, im destroyed right now, i dont feel that i have strenght to fight back, im literally no contacting her and trying to move on, i blocked her everywhere and i wont go back. But my father and my mother tells me that she will
definitely come back at some point and i shouldnt comeback to her because shes acted like a psychopath with me
So i left with this false hope, and with my heart broke in pieces. I dont know what to do.

it sounds like youre feeling pretty conflicted. on one hand, you hope she will reach out. on the other hand, youre trying to move on.

if youre trying to get her back, blocking her is not a sound strategy. there isnt really a scenario under which she can come back if youve blocked communication.

i was in a similar place after my breakup. do you think its possible that this breakup hurt so badly that its not that you want to get back with her, but that you want a scenario to happen that will reverse the feelings of rejection that youre going through?

[stressftw]

hi stressftw, and

it sounds like youre feeling pretty conflicted. on one hand, you hope she will reach out. on the other hand, youre trying to move on.

if youre trying to get her back, blocking her is not a sound strategy. there isnt really a scenario under which she can come back if youve blocked communication.

i was in a similar place after my breakup. do you think its possible that this breakup hurt so badly that its not that you want to get back with her, but that you want a scenario to happen that will reverse the feelings of rejection that youre going through?

Somehow is exactly what you say, i just blocked her in social medias, facebook/instagram/twitter. But i really dont know how she feels, if she feels angry after i blocked her or idk. She still can contact me in other ways if she wants.  I still have her on whatsapp and in other gaming platforms that we play everyday and see each other online. I just blocked her on social medias because i dont want to keep stalking to see her photos and new sht and suffer. And somehow i want her to feel the loss of me not being there where we spoke 24h day for 2 years

Im feeling bad about myself, im feeling devastated right now. Its been 5 days, i want to move on because i really dont know if she will ever come back or talk to me again. I LOVE HER so much and i would do everything for her, and she knows it. Part of me want to move on because i feel that she dont love me anymore and will never contact me. Another part wants her so bad and feel that maybe shes suffering because our relationship was so good.

Like i said, she told me shes liking someone else but she has no clue of whats going to happen with him. Hes only a new victim, and the way the feel with him is probably way less intense from what she felt with me. It got me thinking if in the middle of the road when she met this guy i was already in the pass and she doesnt feeling anything after dumping me, like i was someone to be discarded


I want to move on, but i want her, but i dont know if there is any chance of getting her back, she needs space and feel the loss, if i keep contacting or unblock her now she will now im crawling at her feet and it will empower her, so idk what to do

[stressftw]

I feel that she painted me black already, and painted the other guy white, the reason is, she said that the guy is always happy,  looking foward and i was a depressed guy always down, which isnt true like she is saying. I am the villain in the moment.
she is totally depressed and down too, plus, shes paranoic and neurotic.
Maybe she feels that someone that was acting the opposite as me will change her, which i think is totally the opposite, as a depressive guy i always knew exactly what she needs when she was desperated and down, and i always helped her, and she knows that.
I have no idea if she could idealize me again, she said she loved me so much but she simply cant feel the romantic connection between us anymore. I am beyond loss in my thoughts because maybe she already moved on and is not feeling anything anymore

[stressftw]

I just hacked her facebook and went through all her stuff, and im devastated seeing that one day after she broke up with me she was already making posts and marking her new victim about how she miss him and want to have sex with him. I really cant believe this.

shes marking him in photos that are like "after the corona virus we going to make so much sex that we will fullfil this world with babys" AFTER 2 DAYS.

im so angry, so frustrated so destroyed right know that i dont have words to cope with this

[once removed]

first things first: its a good idea not to get into her social media. in my experience, i didnt even need to find anything significant for it to send me into a tailspin. it took me some time to quit looking, but its like any bad habit...you just have to make the commitment to stop.

you also dont need to block her in order to do that. blocking can be a reasonable measure at first, primarily if your goal is to detach and move on. in this case though, its less about the message youre sending, and more about containing the urge to look. she wont think youre crawling back if you unblock her.

heres the thing. while you may be conflicted in terms of where you want to go with this, the path toward detaching, and the path toward getting back together dont look all that different. want to move on? work to get back to the confident, upbeat guy you were before you met her. want to attract her? work to get back to the confident, upbeat guy you were that she fell for.

both paths are really about getting centered and healthy...as hard as that may be to do right now. its a step at a time kind of thing. for me, finding a sense of normalcy and routine was critical for getting through it.

[stressftw]

im angry as PLEASE READ and i literally have no idea who she became in matter of one month

[stressftw]

first things first: its a good idea not to get into her social media. in my experience, i didnt even need to find anything significant for it to send me into a tailspin. it took me some time to quit looking, but its like any bad habit...you just have to make the commitment to stop.

you also dont need to block her in order to do that. blocking can be a reasonable measure at first, primarily if your goal is to detach and move on. in this case though, its less about the message youre sending, and more about containing the urge to look. she wont think youre crawling back if you unblock her.

heres the thing. while you may be conflicted in terms of where you want to go with this, the path toward detaching, and the path toward getting back together dont look all that different. want to move on? work to get back to the confident, upbeat guy you were before you met her. want to attract her? work to get back to the confident, upbeat guy you were that she fell for.

both paths are really about getting centered and healthy...as hard as that may be to do right now. its a step at a time kind of thing. for me, finding a sense of normalcy and routine was critical for getting through it.

She changed her password 2 hours ago. She knows something happened to trigg the facebook/google message to change password. She probably knows by now that was me, that was very bad but atleast i could confirm my suspects
She even left a horoscope site that was creating a match between my sign and her and her sign and the other guy
mine with her is 3/5, and with the other guy is 5/5, and it was saying that after a breakup things cannot get better after a fight or a initial breakup ( in our case) that was probably the engine that make her so sure that she want to be with him now.
jesus christ, horoscope, this is bizarre.

Shes completely out of her mind. Shes marking in in posts like "Just now that i dont want to be antisocial, strange and gamer anymore there is corona virus"

I feel bad for this new victim of her. The guy is 3 years younger (21) shes 24, the guy is ugly as PLEASE READ and barely have friends on his facebook and no social medias, shes futile, she knows how social vulnerable he is and she knows that she could easily envolve him, its so bizarre and looks so fake so coarse and vulgar the way they are treating each other, is bizarre, she is literally a new personality out of the blue, new person, extremly toxic and futile. She literally needs help, looks like a bomb that is about to explode, shes in need to feel new things because shes not able to deal with her "old" version of her anymore she probably thinks that. IDK its so bizarre.

[stressftw]

I talked to her today in our game chat, just to say that i removed her from the social medias and i dont feel angry on her and hope she doesnt feel to same on me, i said that i will always love her and she will always be a good memory in my head.

She replied saying that shes not angry and she understand the reasons i removed her, that she loves me and i will always will be a good memory for her,

then i said i was suffering so bad her lost because shes loving other guy

and she said that is best for me if i do not speak to her, and that shes not loving other guy, shes just liking him and >HE WASNT THE CAUSE OF THE BREAKUP<(should i believe this, what does that mean?) and there is no point of me thinking about this. Then she suddenly said that needed to leave, to me stay well, and she went offline.



I feel now that atleast i can apply No contact without feeling that she hates me, because if everything went wrong with this new replacement maybe she can realize how she miss me and how good we were to eachother. I want her to leave with the memory that i love her i would do anything for her, so maybe one day she can comeback. But i think she is the cut-off type, i dont know, maybe she will never comeback, thats so sad.

IDK if those emotional statements can affect someone with BPD, but when i mentioned the suffering and the pain she was causing, she imediately left to not feel any remorse in regards to this.

I know shes idealizing this other guy now and shes not feeling anything about us in this moment, im still painted black for her
BPDS when are without partner will feel how bad and unfair they sometimes were with other people and maybe this can penetrate her memory in a future when/if her replacement went downhill and she realizes how wrong she were, idk. It was what i was hoping for, i just want her to realize that we were perfect for each other. Now im giving her the space, and applying th no contact i will try to focus in my own things.
Do you guys think i made a right choice here?

[stressftw]

Im so devastated that im reading the entire forum topics to search something, some evidence, anything that could make me feel any confident that one day she could come back to me

[Rev]

Im so devastated that im reading the entire forum topics to search something, some evidence, anything that could make me feel any confident that one day she could come back to me

My friend,

I have read all of this... and I am wondering what you think it might take to detach from this?  If you could wave a magic wand, and have any quality in you that you don't within you right now (say - like will power or lack of jealousy or hope) what would it be.

She is never coming back. The bigger question is - why you want her back. I would so much like to see you out of your misery. It seems to be tormenting you so much. I am so sorry that she has her talons in you so much.   Break free - it will be good for your soul.

Rev

[stressftw]

My friend,

I have read all of this... and I am wondering what you think it might take to detach from this?  If you could wave a magic wand, and have any quality in you that you don't within you right now (say - like will power or lack of jealousy or hope) what would it be.

She is never coming back. The bigger question is - why you want her back. I would so much like to see you out of your misery. It seems to be tormenting you so much. I am so sorry that she has her talons in you so much.   Break free - it will be good for your soul.

Rev

I know you just want to help me and you having an objective vision of whats happening here, but, how can you say shes never coming back? I want to break free. But atm i cant stop thinking, is not even one week yet. Im so destroyed that i cant sleep anymore, i cant eat anymore, and she seems to moved on already. But one part of my want so bad that there is a seed in her her that will make her regret once she see that i was someone truly special in her life.
2 years everyday all day in your life, it has to mean something thats not possible.

[once removed]

as long as you want to reconcile the relationship, this board (Bettering or Reversing) is here to support you, in a balanced way, in your efforts.

if she comes back, you want to be in a stronger place.

if she came back tomorrow, all of this would crash and burn quickly.

i went through a lot of this myself, stressftw. my ex very quickly entered a new relationship, and we pretty much never spoke again. i dont know how you feel, but i know what youre going through. it was in the top two hardest things ive ever been through.

But atm i cant stop thinking, is not even one week yet. Im so destroyed that i cant sleep anymore, i cant eat anymore, and she seems to moved on already.

you are very likely experiencing depression and anxiety. most of the people that arrive here are.

i would see your doctor as soon as possible. get a meds evaluation.

i couldnt eat either, and my sleep schedule flipped completely upside down, and i cant overstate how much worse that can make things.

this will all be far easier to deal with, cope with, know what you want to do next, if you address your physical and mental needs.

[stressftw]

Im really sorry to flooding this post with alot of posts is because been there is one of the things that make me give me relief somehow, and i really want to talk with people to feel better

[stressftw]

I spoke about her 24h with people that are near to me, i cant stop talking about her, thinking about her, its insane.

I feel so sorry for you man. I feel that my subconscient is tricking me  to think that everything will go downhill with her new replacement and she will realize how good i was for her, even she realized one time and said, you are the perfect guy for me, and i dont feel that i will ever find someone that will be so good and so similar to me like you are,  and she said that: when i have those "things"(mentioning that she was addicted in beggining of relationships and that she get tired of the person)  i often leave the person, but our relationship is so good that i want to change it, but i dont know if i can, sometimes i think will be better for you to find someone else that will treat u better, i feel that im not good for you. She said that crying when our relationship was starting to fell apart. She also said that she usually never looks back when she make a decision, thats the thing that makes me worried, but she did one when we reconcilate after the first breakup, after the first breakup she was super worried about me, she cried and she was afraid to lose contact, now she doesnt seem to, she is another vibe, shes pretending to be someone that shes not, it seems that she moved on already and thats sad.
 IDK if time will bring her the remorse and the guilty when she realizes that the grass wasnt that greener

[stressftw]

as long as you want to reconcile the relationship, this board (Bettering or Reversing) is here to support you, in a balanced way, in your efforts.

if she comes back, you want to be in a stronger place.

if she came back tomorrow, all of this would crash and burn quickly.

i went through a lot of this myself, stressftw. my ex very quickly entered a new relationship, and we pretty much never spoke again. i dont know how you feel, but i know what youre going through. it was in the top two hardest things ive ever been through.

you are very likely experiencing depression and anxiety. most of the people that arrive here are.

i would see your doctor as soon as possible. get a meds evaluation.

i couldnt eat either, and my sleep schedule flipped completely upside down, and i cant overstate how much worse that can make things.

this will all be far easier to deal with, cope with, know what you want to do next, if you address your physical and mental needs.

Im so sorry you  have been through that. i know that is only the beggining and i need to be strong and focus on myself.
she probably left her replacement soon enough too. Its so sad because u know its not possible to change them because they are broken but we loved them so much that we would do everything help make them through and understand, but they cant

[Rev]

Im really sorry to flooding this post with alot of posts is because been there is one of the things that make me give me relief somehow, and i really want to talk with people to feel better

There is no need to be sorry. It is me who should be sorry for perhaps giving up too strong an opinion too quickly.

The advice to go see a doctor is good advice. You should take it.  Is it possible where you are right now?

Rev

[stressftw]

There is no need to be sorry. It is me who should be sorry for perhaps giving up too strong an opinion too quickly.

The advice to go see a doctor is good advice. You should take it.  Is it possible where you are right now?

Rev

 No, we are all quarentined atm. Im taking some antidepressants, and anxiety remedies, nothing works, i literally need something to blackout in order to relax, and i dont have. I literally have no words to describe how bad is this feeling.
If i could just press a button and die, i wouldve already, im been tortured by my mind.
Thats another thing that tricks my mind. It means shes quarentined too, with her new replacement, there is a chance that she paint him black even before they could met again, there is a chance that maybe in the middle of this rebound she caught herself thinking about us, because she has nothing left to do at home, and she was explosive about it, super agressive and afraid to be depressive again, we were talking about it before the break up

[Rev]

No, we are all quarentined atm. Im taking some antidepressants, and anxiety remedies, nothing works, i literally need something to blackout in order to relax, and i dont have. I literally have no words to describe how bad is this feeling.
If i could just press a button and die, i wouldve already, im been tortured by my mind.
Thats another thing that tricks my mind. It means shes quarentined too, with her new replacement, there is a chance that she paint him black even before they could met again, there is a chance that maybe in the middle of this rebound she caught herself thinking about us, because she has nothing left to do at home, and she was explosive about it, super agressive and afraid to be depressive again, we were talking about it before the break up

Hi Again,

That all sounds very intense and I can feel your pressure mounting.  Little things can become big things in isolation. Is there a crisis hot line where you are that you can call?

In my part of the world, if you were to get them, they would send the police to bring you to a health center.

What do you think?

rev

[stressftw]

Hi Again,

That all sounds very intense and I can feel your pressure mounting.  Little things can become big things in isolation. Is there a crisis hot line where you are that you can call?

In my part of the world, if you were to get them, they would send the police to bring you to a health center.

What do you think?

rev

I am a recluse person anyway. Ive always been antisocial, the thing is, with this girl, we were both antisocial nerds, we were both good looking, and very lookalike fisically ppl often told us we look like brothers, we pass through the same sht. Played the same things, shared alot of things in similar even without knowing each other well. She was very recluse also, depressive by the time.[/quote]

Our relationship was so intense and so life saving for both of us. We had eachother to backup our devils all the time.
The thing is, she is on college and im not, she start to met new people, and now, out of the blue, she decided that she dont want to be a "antisocial nerd anymore" afeter dumping me, thats why she dumped me in the first place. She painted me a antisocial gamer that will drown her into my habits and my depression. Which is not truth.
Her longest relationship last for 8 months before me, we are like 2 years and few months together, everyday talking, sharing everything. She simply forget everything so fast and moved on for her new "lifestyle objective" that is impossible to me to accept that. I think im suffering from PTSD atm, im simply tormented and being haunted by flashes of what shes about to do with her new replacement, if things are going to workout with him, if shes going to contact me, if shes going to miss me, if shes going to regret.
I hope i can start college this year, hope i met new people and forget her, but its been so hard.

I was already fragile person when we met, she said that my depression, the fact that i was antisocial, etc, would never be a problem for her because she was like that too and she identify with me. I knew that eventually she could dump me when she starts to feel good about herself, and she only feels good about herself because she drained everything from me. I gave her the pedestal. And know shes on heavens dealing with her BDP chaos thinking that faking a lifestyle will make things totally different in her life

[Rev]

Our relationship was so intense and so life saving for both of us. The thing is, she is on college and im not, she start to met new people, and now, out of the blue, she decided that she dont want to be a "antisocial nerd anymore" afeter dumping me, thats why she dumped me in the first place. She painted me a antisocial gamer that will drown her into my habits. Which is not truth.

My friend,

Oh … I went through that same "change" all of a sudden.  How much pwBPD want us to believe that their "change" is because of us. But it's not. They change many times in a week, and sometimes in a day, and that is just part of how they try to cope with things. It's like they speak a different language.

I find myself wanting to "be there for you" - partly because my own break-up was very painful because my relationship was very abusive and I just didn't want it to be true.  So in part, I want to support you because it helps me understand myself better.

So I have an offer for you.

We help each other. How does that sound?

If you could ask me one question about me and what I see for myself so you could help me, what would it be?

Let me know if you think this might be fun and good for us.

Rev

[stressftw]

My friend,

Oh … I went through that same "change" all of a sudden.  How much pwBPD want us to believe that their "change" is because of us. But it's not. They change many times in a week, and sometimes in a day, and that is just part of how they try to cope with things. It's like they speak a different language.

I find myself wanting to "be there for you" - partly because my own break-up was very painful because my relationship was very abusive and I just didn't want it to be true.  So in part, I want to support you because it helps me understand myself better.

So I have an offer for you.

We help each other. How does that sound?

If you could ask me one question about me and what I see for myself so you could help me, what would it be?

Let me know if you think this might be fun and good for us.

Rev

Sure, thank you for that. Im torment at the moment and talk to someone that went through it is good for me.

How long was your relationship with her? When she broke up with you u went no contact? She had someone in her wings before ended with you? She reach out to you at some point?


Im thinking about not cut the communication entirely with her, but check on her every 1 month and ask if everything is fine with her and her family then just go away, to see if somehow i can stick in her head. I read the going full no contact with people with BPD only make them forget us and believe they were right about their own PLEASE READstorm

[once removed]

its a really traumatic thing when a person puts the reasons for the breakup on you. its not fair, its hurtful, its immature, and its very rarely true at all.

youve got a battle on your hands here, stressftw. things sound really bad for you.

the first thing i want you to know is that it really does get better. i couldnt believe it when i was going through it, and in fact for a while, it seemed like all i did was get worse. it gets better. youre going to come through this. and youre going to come through this a stronger, even better version of yourself. believe me. start putting faith into that idea today.

i also want to recommend an approach for you that helped me, over time.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

nothing helped me more than putting mindfulness into practice.

the long and short of it is that you begin to observe yourself in a detached sort of way. the more you are able to do that, the more it lessens the sting. the less overwhelming things start to be.

one of the things youre going through are ruminations. theyre very common when depression is going on, and theyre very common among members here. looking back, it feels like all i did was ruminate for a very long time.

the neat thing about mindfulness is that once you begin to practice it, the ability only grows. youll develop insight into yourself, and into what youre experiencing.

but youre going to need to get these feelings out. its good to lean on your friends. i warn you though, they will likely run out of things to say, or they will say hurtful things. and its going to make you feel alone and in more pain. but it will pass. you will grow more self reliant and resilient. its also good to lean on us here. we get what youre going through. it also helped me, a lot, to put my ruminations in writing until i wore myself out.

find a good book that will help you better understand what youre going through. here is one i recommend: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

in particular, it talks about what the author calls the stages of abandonment, and that was really helpful to me. the more you understand whats going on with you, and the more you anticipate it, the less overwhelming it will feel.

as much as possible, find a sense of routine. it almost doesnt matter what it is, so long as it isnt unhealthy or harmful. it will get you through the days at first, and then it will increasingly carry you to a sense of normalcy.

Im thinking about not cut the communication entirely with her, but check on her every 1 month and ask if everything is fine with her and her family then just go away, to see if somehow i can stick in her head. I read the going full no contact with people with BPD only make them forget us and believe they were right about their own PLEASE READstorm

be careful with what you read.

"no contact" is a method for detaching in specific situations that is more about breaking away from the relationship than what the other person thinks about what we are doing.

heres the thing: if you want to reverse a breakup, you have to put yourself in a strong and attractive position. and you also have to be realistic.

you are going to have to let their relationship play out, and i advise you to stay pretty far away from it. go off the grid. dont reach out. why? it has nothing to do with putting yourself in her head as anything but an ex that cant get over her, and thats not a strong or attractive position. having nothing to do with the situation looks strong and confident. and if anything, that will make her wonder what you are up to, how youre doing.

if she reaches out, you might respond, but id bring it here for feedback first.

[stressftw]

its a really traumatic thing when a person puts the reasons for the breakup on you. its not fair, its hurtful, its immature, and its very rarely true at all.

youve got a battle on your hands here, stressftw. things sound really bad for you.

the first thing i want you to know is that it really does get better. i couldnt believe it when i was going through it, and in fact for a while, it seemed like all i did was get worse. it gets better. youre going to come through this. and youre going to come through this a stronger, even better version of yourself. believe me. start putting faith into that idea today.

i also want to recommend an approach for you that helped me, over time.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

nothing helped me more than putting mindfulness into practice.

the long and short of it is that you begin to observe yourself in a detached sort of way. the more you are able to do that, the more it lessens the sting. the less overwhelming things start to be.

one of the things youre going through are ruminations. theyre very common when depression is going on, and theyre very common among members here. looking back, it feels like all i did was ruminate for a very long time.

the neat thing about mindfulness is that once you begin to practice it, the ability only grows. youll develop insight into yourself, and into what youre experiencing.

but youre going to need to get these feelings out. its good to lean on your friends. i warn you though, they will likely run out of things to say, or they will say hurtful things. and its going to make you feel alone and in more pain. but it will pass. you will grow more self reliant and resilient. its also good to lean on us here. we get what youre going through. it also helped me, a lot, to put my ruminations in writing until i wore myself out.

find a good book that will help you better understand what youre going through. here is one i recommend: https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

in particular, it talks about what the author calls the stages of abandonment, and that was really helpful to me. the more you understand whats going on with you, and the more you anticipate it, the less overwhelming it will feel.

as much as possible, find a sense of routine. it almost doesnt matter what it is, so long as it isnt unhealthy or harmful. it will get you through the days at first, and then it will increasingly carry you to a sense of normalcy.

be careful with what you read.

"no contact" is a method for detaching in specific situations that is more about breaking away from the relationship than what the other person thinks about what we are doing.

heres the thing: if you want to reverse a breakup, you have to put yourself in a strong and attractive position. and you also have to be realistic.

you are going to have to let their relationship play out, and i advise you to stay pretty far away from it. go off the grid. dont reach out. why? it has nothing to do with putting yourself in her head as anything but an ex that cant get over her, and thats not a strong or attractive position. having nothing to do with the situation looks strong and confident. and if anything, that will make her wonder what you are up to, how youre doing.

if she reaches out, you might respond, but id bring it here for feedback first.

She spoke to me today saying that there are people saying bad things about her and shes wondering if i told someone about our relationship because i have alot of followers and someone that i know could be the person who did

We went through a little fight and she was kinda asshole and went offline then i went to whatsapp and started a conversation with her, unfortunately my feelings were so strong, that I declared myself to her again saying every bullPLEASE READ someone would declare.
Then i said, the sad part is that i know your gone for good
and she replied
Yes, there is no turning back its over and u have to overcome it

then i start to panic and messaged her more and more and she start to say that there is really no possibility that we could ever get back again, that it happened, and she was not comming back to me ever again.

then i started to cry on my pc and asked for her if she could speak to me on discord for 20 minutes, she went mad, asked if i was joking with her, that is over, that she doesnt want to talk to me because i was manipulating her, and that she dont want to be friends with me because she knows i like her and said that i will manipulate her.
Then i asked why she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore after all of this, and she said that she cant deal with my outbreaks anymore, and she blocked me on whatsapp

I dont know what do i feel atm. im feeling so bad i cant even describe, is like my whole world is fallen apart. Im destroyed.
I feel that its really over, she already overcame us and left me for good, and i cant accept that im feeling so bad that it ended that way, i was literally doing everything for her, she dont even care. Im totally lost

[once removed]

whats done is done.

but the two of you may or may not continue to interact, and its something you want to learn from, and not repeat. from a Reversing a Breakup perspective, dont make yourself a doormat, or beg or plead. dont wear your heart on your sleeve. let yourself cry, but dont let her see it.

you set yourself up for rejection, and only feel worse about yourself.

but you can recover from this.

my advice would be to not reach out anymore, at all. because shes drawn a hard line, and continuing to do so just puts your heart on the chopping block. and bottom line, that doesnt look strong or attractive, and it wont bring her back.

it may hurt you like crazy, and feel even more final, to back off, but its necessary, whether you want her back, or whether you decide you want to move on.

what will, over time, look strong, is to heed what she said, and live accordingly. and if it hurts, and if you cry, and if you go crazy, its okay, and she will never know it. that will make an impact. it will say, psychologically and after a period of time, that you arent that guy, that youre in a stronger place, one strong enough to give her space and take your own. thats attractive.

and if there is a chance here, it lets her give her attention to the new relationship, and that relationship can stand or fall on its own merits. by clinging, you ultimately make that relationship stronger in the short term.

[stressftw]

whats done is done.

but the two of you may or may not continue to interact, and its something you want to learn from, and not repeat. from a Reversing a Breakup perspective, dont make yourself a doormat, or beg or plead. dont wear your heart on your sleeve. let yourself cry, but dont let her see it.

you set yourself up for rejection, and only feel worse about yourself.

but you can recover from this.

my advice would be to not reach out anymore, at all. because shes drawn a hard line, and continuing to do so just puts your heart on the chopping block. and bottom line, that doesnt look strong or attractive, and it wont bring her back.

it may hurt you like crazy, and feel even more final, to back off, but its necessary, whether you want her back, or whether you decide you want to move on.

what will, over time, look strong, is to heed what she said, and live accordingly. and if it hurts, and if you cry, and if you go crazy, its okay, and she will never know it. that will make an impact. it will say, psychologically and after a period of time, that you arent that guy, that youre in a stronger place, one strong enough to give her space and take your own. thats attractive.

and if there is a chance here, it lets her give her attention to the new relationship, and that relationship can stand or fall on its own merits. by clinging, you ultimately make that relationship stronger in the short term.

She reached me out today again. Apologizing for her behavior and to not say that she destroyed me apart, that relationships come to an end and it does not mean that it wasnt good, that she cares deeply about me and want to talk after i recover because she dont want to be friend with me now because she knows i have feelings for her, that i dont have to think that i saved her because i met her in a terrible situation cause she has ups and downs that we helped each other through bad momments but now is over, she said that I speak in a way as if she owes me something and had to accept everything. <- This is not true by any means. IDK, even tho everything else she saying is true about any relationship. Its a passive/agressive that put her totally in control of the situation, i will try me best to cut off the contact. but she keeps reaching me

[stressftw]

Apparently she hates me so much without a reason and she painted me so black that shes even marking people saying that
shes very disappointed that her favorite character is from the "aryan sign from horoscope"

how does a person that has 24 years can be childish like this, jesus.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

she said that I speak in a way as if she owes me something and had to accept everything. <- This is not true by any means. IDK, even tho everything else she saying is true about any relationship. Its a passive/agressive that put her totally in control of the situation, i will try me best to cut off the contact. but she keeps reaching me

it sounds like she may have reached out because she felt badly, both for you, and how she handled the previous conversations.

when she says you speak in a way as if she owes you something, she may be talking about feelings of obligation.

when you declare yourself to her, or plead for closure, or to talk, thats what she means.

an ex lover cant help us heal from a breakup. she, in particular, is in a new relationship.

friends, family, and a support system can help us heal.

[stressftw]

it sounds like she may have reached out because she felt badly, both for you, and how she handled the previous conversations.

when she says you speak in a way as if she owes you something, she may be talking about feelings of obligation.

when you declare yourself to her, or plead for closure, or to talk, thats what she means.

an ex lover cant help us heal from a breakup. she, in particular, is in a new relationship.

friends, family, and a support system can help us heal.

Because her victim felt into her love bombing too early and in the middle of covid19 quarentine i think shes kinda of friendzoning him now, the way theyre tagging eachother is not the same a 1 week ago, and way less frequent. IDK. I just wanted to be recognize as someone who had true love for her, but i think she literally is anger at me without any rational reason, just to protect herself from the shame and guilty i guess?

[stressftw]

it sounds like she may have reached out because she felt badly, both for you, and how she handled the previous conversations.

when she says you speak in a way as if she owes you something, she may be talking about feelings of obligation.

when you declare yourself to her, or plead for closure, or to talk, thats what she means.

an ex lover cant help us heal from a breakup. she, in particular, is in a new relationship.

friends, family, and a support system can help us heal.

Ok i need to write this here cause i never saw someone doing that before.

Right before she dumped me, she said that a guy "X" that she was tagging in facebook was only her friend, and that she was liking another guy. And she said the name of this Guy "Y". I have her facebook password and she doesnt know, so she was really researching infos about this guy in middle to end 2019. The thing is, she is literally sharing romantic things with this guy "X" that would be her friend, but they are literally sharing couple things. and NOW she is LITERALLY taggin BOTH of them in their facebook posts. The guy that she said she was liking, and the other she said that is friend but sharing couple things.

She is literally making this guy that she likes orbiting around her already while the other is secure thats BIZARRE PLEASE READ, in front of him.

because this guy "X" probably dont know that she likes guy "Y" because she only told me and he probably think they are only friends while she is securing another victim. How can they be so manipulative to this point?  Wtf is that?

[stressftw]

Does in this forum have any case of someone like this? After 2 days of dumping me she was already lining up a guy and now shes lining up a guy over the lined up guy after 3 weeks IN FRONT OF HIM.

[once removed]

my ex was lining up a new guy before we broke up. its not entirely clear to me for how long. it could have been some months. it could have been some weeks or days. i think that we were struggling for a long time, and in terms of prospective partners, he was at the top of her list...there may have been others, i dont know.

How can they be so manipulative to this point?  Wtf is that?

the honest answer is it doesnt necessarily have anything to do with BPD specifically. an insecure person, a person with codependent tendencies, a person who has difficulty breaking up with others, any of those kinds of people may tend to find a smooth landing out of a relationship. in a lot of cases, its a coping mechanism. sometimes, its just dating around.

your ex may be playing the field, so to speak. seeing whos out there.

we are happy to try to provide perspective when it comes to your questions, but, honestly, is it helping you to get into her account and watch all of this play out right now?

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. The discussion has continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344027.0