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Author Topic: The dreaded no-win situations continue...  (Read 374 times)
strugglingBF
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating 5 years
Posts: 136


« on: March 18, 2020, 08:22:27 AM »

So I went through a very high frequency/intensity time with my uBPDgf around the holidays.  It was by far the worse period of BPD episodes and drama I have ever experienced in the 5 years I have been with her.  This naturally subsided after the new year and calmed down, even turning into a pleasant relationship for periods of time.  However, this COVID-19 thing and it changes to our everyday life here in Michigan (schools closed, restaurants closed, gyms closed, food and supplies can be hard to find, etc.) seems to be spiking BPD activity/behavior.  I have definitely turned back into the most criticized figure in her life with great intensity.  Almost everything that comes out of my mouth is over-criticized in hyper-critical manner.  It doesn't help that when things get good for a period of time my BPD handling tools and skills maybe are not as sharp.  Two recent incidents in the past 24 hours sum this up.
1. We were heating up leftovers for dinner at her place last night.  She was heating up some leftovers from her house and I was heating up leftovers that I had brought from my house.  She went to open her leftover container and one of the corners of the lid was not closed all the way.  She immediately questioned whether the leftovers were still okay to eat due to this (they were about 3-4 days old at that point), and she immediately blamed me for the container not being sealed properly.  When I told her that I hadn't touched that container (mistake on my part) and that it couldn't have been me that left it open, she immediately goes in to how I never take ownership of ANYTHING and how big of a problem it is.  I have no problem taking ownership when it is I that screwed something up, but why should I take ownership in this case for something I had no part in?  I feel like that is what I would have had to do to satisfy whatever turmoil was going on inside her at the time.  But I get tired of being the whipping boy or fall guy for everything, which I generally am and many times take responsibility for even when I had no part in whatever it was.  This particular situation (the lid not being closed) I was not in the mood to take responsibility for as we both knew that it was her that last got into those leftovers.
 
2. She called me this morning (1st conversation of the day).  First words out of her mouth..."do you have Instagram?...Mark Wahlberg posted his workout and it is insane."  I responded with "no, I don't have Instagram, but that dude is in great shape for his age."  Her response, "his age?...how old do you think he is?".  My response, "in his 50's?"  At this point she is starting to get irritated and upset and I have no idea why.  Our conversation spiraled into her scolding me for never answering her question the way she wants it answered.  I calmly asked her what I did wrong and she told me that I didn't answer her question.  We walked threw the conversation and when she realized I did in fact answer her question she hung up on me and won't answer my calls.  Almost like she has this moment of realization where she knows her argument makes no sense and she cannot take that realization.  She will NEVER admit that I in fact answered her question.  She will tell me, "I wanted an exact age and you gave me "in his 50's".  I am over here shocked wondering how a conversation about Mark Wahlberg ends up this bad.  I feel like a functional couple can work through this misunderstanding or conflict easily.  If she wanted a specific age why not tell me, "ok, if you had to pick a specific age in the 50's what would you say?"  I adjust my answer to be more specific and we move on.  That is not how our relationship goes.  She tells me I don't know how to communicate with her and when she realizes that she is telling me I didn't do something that I in fact did, she hangs up on me abruptly EVERY TIME.  These hang ups happen weekly by the way.  I get hung up on all the time, usually at the point is discussion or conversation where she realizes she has backed herself into a corner that no amount of fuzzy logic can get her out of.

To me these are no win situations and I still struggle with these.  The only way out of them is to distort reality for the sake of her feelings, take responsibility for everything (even when I had nothing to do with it), agree with every word that comes out of her mouth.  I have been carrying 90% of the burden of everything wrong with our relationship while repeatedly hitting my reset button and starting from scratch with a positive and loving open mind.  Meanwhile, she just creates drama and turmoil almost daily and seems as if she is totally unaware of it, doesn't care, and honestly her BPD is at the heart of the majority of the 90% burden I carry.  
« Last Edit: March 18, 2020, 08:27:48 AM by strugglingBF » Logged
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Sunshineblue23
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2020, 01:31:33 PM »

Oh man! Thanks for sharing. Your whole post really resonated with me. I have what I suspect to be a BPD boyfriend and I totally feel ya in the no win situations. I have these situations daily and also feel that a functioning couple wouldn’t have to fight about some of the silliest things. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing. It helps so much to know there are others going through the same things I am.
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solspectre

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« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2020, 08:45:59 PM »

Wow, I resonate with this extremely well also! While my boyfriend is not living with me (in fact in a totally different country right now), the same things apply. I understand entirely what it feels like. We (the non BPD ones) just cannot win, no matter what we do. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. He is like this a lot of the time, because he is frequently stressed from his job and circumstances, and not just the coronavirus stuff, but that adds to it as well.

Her reactions to you are exactly what my boyfriend does. He finds the most inane things to be upset about, constantly making everything my fault. So yes, like you, half the time I just go with it and give in to his BS because I seriously cannot handle an explosion and threats to leave, or verbal assault and lecture. He is so critical of every single little thing. When I try to point this out, all of these comments are attacked, he brings up all kinds of stuff from the past that he has saved for ammunition, or twisted around. He tells me what a terrible person I am, and "How are you showing me love? All I ever did was show you love", and then proceeds to tell me how I am the one who has ruined it, and how I always ruin it. Entirely unaware of himself and projecting absolutely everything. The funny thing is he studies spirituality and philosophy and considers himself to be one of the enlightened ones.

Once we had a huge blowout argument that started from, if you can believe this, the correct way to use the term "armchair". He was arguing with me that it wasn't called that at all, and tried showing me Google examples, telling me everyone calls it something else. Basically taking the most ridiculous thing imaginable and making me sound insane for using a normal word everyone else uses.

While I want to say this is unconscious to him...I still cannot figure out if this is intentional or not. Like is this part of a greater plan they have at actually manipulating our emotions? Or is this all totally unconscious. My bf seems to think he does "good" things and he is "always full of love" but actions speak so much louder than words.
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strugglingBF
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2020, 10:48:44 AM »

I get to the point at times where I don't want to disagree with my GF on anything.  It just usually doesn't end well.  If we have opposing views on something, whether it is big or small topic, she cannot handle it.  She usually gets ugly and starts name calling, saying I am not open-minded (when it is actually her that is not open to opposing views)...basically projecting.  I hit points where I just agree with her on almost everything because it makes my life easier and in an one-on-one conversation what good is it doing to give her my honest opinion if it is something trivial.  Now, if we are talking something bigger, or something that hits a core value inside of me, I am not going to just agree with her to keep the peace.  But I do have to dance around my opinion or beliefs as to no "set her off".  She can be so touchy.  I do not see a way around walking on these eggshells.  She will related anything negative in the world to me somehow.  Even it if has nothing to do with me. 
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2020, 02:34:01 AM »

To me these are no win situations and I still struggle with these.  The only way out of them is to distort reality for the sake of her feelings, take responsibility for everything (even when I had nothing to do with it), agree with every word that comes out of her mouth.

thats not the only way  Being cool (click to insert in post)

and it isnt the ideal way. youre struggling because youre, in the moment, assuming that what shes angry about in the moment is the issue, and you feel the need to defend yourself (JADE).

it isnt about the leftovers, or mark wahlbergs age.

the trick, and it is a trick, because its not always possible in the moment, is to get at the heart of "what is this really about". she may want attention. she may want comfort and reassurance. its hard to say. people, all of us, are really anxious right now, and it has us all thinking about life in really crazy ways.

you can ask questions (validating questions work really well: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0), or it may be best to deftly table things until shes gotten back to baseline, then bring it up later, not defensively; ask questions, listen. bring it back here.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2020, 09:52:11 PM »

When I told her that I hadn't touched that container (mistake on my part) and that it couldn't have been me that left it open, she immediately goes in to how I never take ownership of ANYTHING and how big of a problem it is.

I've been there!  Including immediately realizing that it was a mistake to explain myself.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

We walked threw the conversation and when she realized I did in fact answer her question she hung up on me and won't answer my calls.  Almost like she has this moment of realization where she knows her argument makes no sense and she cannot take that realization.

That is very insightful.  Not accepting accountability is very common in my experience.  I have had the same situation where if my partner wBPD is confronted with indisputable facts, she will explode or shut down.  I honestly wish I could know what is going on in her mind at that time.  Sometimes I wonder if I am being too argumentative, but when I have the same type of interaction with other people, they are willing to admit when they were wrong.  I can also admit that I am wrong if someone shows me the facts.  But with someone wBPD it seems like a circuit gets overloaded.
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