Seeking answers for dysfunctional marriage.

[Motivated Seeker]

I.need help. My husband of 27 years is a recovering addict/alcoholic. I did not learn this until well after we were married. I saw red flags but ignored them being too caught up in the relationship. To best describe him I will say Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When we argue it is always my fault. His abuse is mostly emotional and psychological. Whenever he wants to punish me, all he has to do is distance himself. This means no conversations or interactions. He is extremely manipulative,but when called out will say I am the manipulator. He has no scruples or principles for which he lives by. He has no aspirations of creativity and is extremely dull. He even rejects complements and praises accusing me of wanting something in return. He is rarely present in the relationship,wanting only to be left alone. He spends long hours in the bed sleeping or what he calls meditating. During this crisis, it has been very difficult to be stuck at home with him.I often fear his wrath whenever he speaks. He does go to therapy, but often seems to get worse. My children cannot stand him. He hardly cares that they do. My desire is to save my marriage if possible. But I am tired of the pain and suffering.I often have fantasies of his dying. Troubling still is the fact that I have multiple sclerosis and have to depend on him financially.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Face of Melinda]

I'm sorry to hear this. It's so painful to be spurned. Focus on having a good life with your friends and your kids. Call your friends and family to get some attention and love which we need even when we're adults and he withholds it. How wonderful he goes to therapy. It's a slow process that takes years to get results because personality disorders are chronic and enduring. I hope he benefits from it but he has to want to do better. I read in this website Lessons about projection. Basically whatever he accuses you of is really about himself. That's why my spouse always accuses me of being selfish because he is totally self-centered. So from your post, he gives compliments when he wants something I guess. 

[Radcliff]

We're sorry to hear about your pain, but are glad you've found us.  The struggles you have with your husband are familiar to many of us.  27 years is a long time to be coping with all of that.  We can help you learn coping tools to make things better.  In the spirit of getting to know you better, what are the bright things in your life?  Where to you get strength and energy?

RC