Insecurity and sloth breeds BPD rage

[WitzEndWife]

The rage has escalated over the past few days. uBPDh has been not only yelling at the slightest disagreement, but has also been exceptionally scary. This morning, I was listening to a political podcast upstairs while he was downstairs. One of the people on my show criticized a politician my husband liked (we have VERY different political views), and he charged upstairs, screaming and calling the podcaster all sorts of slurs and trying to grab my phone (to break it maybe?). I got him to run back downstairs and leave me alone, but then he came back up minutes later, yelling, while I was at my desk trying to work and I told him, "I don't want to talk to you now, I am trying to work" and I put my hands over my ears while he was screaming. He went away only after I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of yelling back. It definitely rattled me.

Sunday, he charged through the locked bedroom door again (second time in about a year), breaking the doorframe. Only this time, he didn't continue to yell at me for that long after doing so and started fixing his destruction right away. Still, he continued to insist that he was justified in his actions because I "shouldn't make him so mad." I told him it wasn't acceptable, ever, no matter what I said or did (we'd had a small disagreement over our roles of loading/unloading the dishwasher and he had started raging, so I went upstairs quietly and distanced myself).

I know that he's been in sloth mode - basically not showering and loafing all day, getting spun up on Twitter and watching cable news. I'm sure he feels bad for not following through on his school program (although classes are suspended for now anyway). He can't really do much, so I'm sure he feels somewhat useless, plus I'm a trigger for him. I'm scared though about how to handle this. We're stuck together for now and I don't want his rage to escalate. I'm not sure what to do.

[Cat Familiar]

As you said, you’re stuck together, for an indeterminate time. This precludes options for leaving, either for a temporary break at the local coffee shop, or for making a major life change.

Tempers are easily frayed and pwBPD are even more on edge.

I experienced this first thing this morning when I saw smoke coming from the toaster. My husband was blissfully ignorant that his toast was starting a fire. Because he was closer to the toaster, I said, “Take it outside before it stinks up the house!”

He responded, “Yes ma’am.”

I took exception with his sarcasm and it all went downhill from there.

It gets really old having to always be the cool, calm, responsible adult in the relationship while our partner is having a tantrum or being irresponsible. But that is what we must do, particularly in these trying times, in order to keep the peace.

It would be nice if we could feel heard and understood without our partner feeling attacked, criticized, shamed, etc., but unfortunately they are not capable of being able to be self reflective without feeling victimized.

So what do we do? Suck it up and keep on keeping on. Once the crisis has passed, then we have the opportunity to assess whether we choose to continue a relationship with our partner, or whether we’d prefer to be alone, or to take the chance of finding someone more emotionally healthy.

[formflier]

I'm curious what level of scary/property destruction will get you to call 911?

How many times has 911 been called in your relationship?

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I have never called 911 in my life. Honestly, I'm not inclined to want to get the police involved unless I'm being physically harmed. That's me. I know others feel differently. I think he's just tantruming and trying to throw his weight around. I also know that, in some cases, this is a slippery slope, and some partners might move to drastic measures. But, I mean, we've been together for six years. I would think that he would have at least showed signs he was willing to hit me by now.

[WitzEndWife]

Cat, I think you're right - I'm just kind of stuck right now. I have a call with my T tomorrow, so that will be good. I am trying to focus on self care and calming myself through meditation, exercise, and reading/writing. I know this will be hard over the weeks, but maybe he can find something more productive himself to focus on. His loafing and getting on social media just isn't working.

[formflier]

I would think that he would have at least showed signs he was willing to hit me by now.

So..what incentive does he have NOT to destroy property, scare dogs, threaten, etc etc?

Why not let him know you are done with that behavior and will be calling police next time he busts through a door like that?

Can you see that you are "telling" him you will tolerate this behavior?

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

FF, is calling the police the ONLY answer for this to set a boundary? I am wondering if there are alternatives.

[5min]

As someone who is dealing with a SO that "breaks things", let me say that in my case the things have included me and the level of destruction and physical violence has continued to escalate. I had a similar door incident in which the only thing that stopped her from hitting me with the bat once she broke the door was the realization she had damager her house. I am probably steeping on some rule, but do not let yourself be lulled into believing "it can not happen to me" only to wake up in a hospital bed or worse. There is a chemical high they get from the emotional rampage and it takes pushing things more, trashing more, hitting more to get that high again. After multiple broken noses, my head split open multiple times, and a fractured lower back;  yes I need to answer FF's questions too for myself. Doing nothing only allows things to get worse.

[formflier]

FF, is calling the police the ONLY answer for this to set a boundary? I am wondering if there are alternatives.

I suppose calling a DV shelter and perhaps moving out could be on the list.

Here is the thing...who can "compel" him to stop this behavior?  That's really the call to make...assuming you don't want the behavior to continue.

That's really the decision to make first and make it clear for yourself.  Am I ok with (fill in the blank) continuing.

Then ask him to stop or incentivize him to continue (if it's something you want more of). 

Then if he doesn't stop, take action to remove him or remove yourself (or otherwise compel him to stop).

Obviously a very broad summation. 

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

FF - Well, I guess calling the police would be the only option, since I own the house and it would be absurd to move out to a shelter just to get away from him - I just don't want it on my record for employment background checks or anything like that, and I don't want them to hurt my dog, so I'm hesitant.

5min - I'm sorry you have dealt with all of that. Mine hasn't really threatened to hit me - he likes the spectacle, the attention, not the rush of violence. That said, I don't want to take it lightly because I know it is always possible that the person could be violent in the moment. Is there anything specific you would have done differently if you could go back before the violence?

[formflier]

 
So..what's the line?

Have you thought it through? 

Busting down doors is likely to continue..right?  So it's important that you think about what will trigger a call so that police can show up to your house "in time".

What is the impact on you if you pick a line "too late"?

Best,

FF

[Ester]

I'm sorry to hear. But this sounds so familiar to me!
I am a new member, at my witzend as well. Mine has the same rages, they are becoming more frequent and more aggressive.
Is your husband on any mood stabilizers or any meds for BPD?

[WitzEndWife]

FF, I think it's fair to say that if he does break down a door again, that's the trigger to call police. My T seems to think his actions are more childlike, where his intent is not to harm, but to get attention - but that his actions can be scary because he is a grown man. That said, I think it's good to have a boundary.

Ester, he's not on any meds, although my T says he seriously seems like he needs to be put on anti-anxiety medication, as his anxiety is through the roof. I tend to agree and think a lot of his rage ties into his anxiety. But he won't go to therapy or even to the doctor to get treated, so it's a vicious cycle.

[babyducks]

But, I mean, we've been together for six years. I would think that he would have at least showed signs he was willing to hit me by now.

I'm going to poke at this for a minute.     In most abusive situations, there exists a belief that 'things will stay the same'.    It won't get worse.     It only happened once.    Or it only happened twice.     

that's not what the experts tell us.      abusive situations do not maintain a status quo.  that there is a trajectory to abusive relationships.

The rage has escalated over the past few days.

if you feel that things are escalating,   I would encourage you to plan now.    while things are calm.     to have back ups of important documents, credit cards,  phones...   

'ducks

[PeteWitsend]

FF, I think it's fair to say that if he does break down a door again, that's the trigger to call police. My T seems to think his actions are more childlike, where his intent is not to harm, but to get attention - but that his actions can be scary because he is a grown man. That said, I think it's good to have a boundary.
...

Maybe, but with this extended quarantine, we're entering unexplored territory.  I don't mean to be alarming, but I agree with the concerns FF and others have raised here.  I would think through the steps of what happens if you DO have to call the police.  and remember: think about yourself first.  Think about what you need & how to protect yourself.  Do not worry about what happens to him, and the consequences for him.  Those things are his problem to figure out if he gets violent. 

FWIW, I think we probably have at least another month and that's assuming we don't have pockets of the country that avoid it initially later re-infect the rest of the country because they failed to quarantine and take precautions. 

And remember to keep all this in perspective; you're seeing how bad it can get in stressful times now... keep in mind that there will be more stressful times in the future even after things get back to normal (if they do...)