Emotional blackmail

[Confused40]

Sorry new here so this could be a long one but I'll try to make the long story short.
My father I strongly suspect (not officially diagnosed but all the characteristics) of being BPD if not Narcissistic.
Grew up walking on eggshells he could blow up in a rage at any time and then would deny it happened. Never anything positive to say to us always put downs. No boundaries very controlling even as adults completely interfered with our lives bullying us to do what he wanted.  Especially to make him look good in the eyes if others has to be seen as a great guy.
My mother put up with this, excused it, defended it, twisted it to be our fault. Her best phrase "dont say anything/dont answer back/just do it for me, if you upset him it will be me he takes it out on".

She attempted to leave him a few times during our childhood and always went back. The last time she went back (after he had physically hurt her) she completely gave herself over to him stopped excusing anything he did and defended him, found way or a lie to blame us.  She knew excusing or blaming him was useless he would never admit to being wrong.
My only brother, who hated him, died in an accident after I had moved away from home and things got worse for me and my partner. My parents had no boundaries, were very needy, very controlling. Any bit of distance I had managed to get away from them disappeared.
They also had the emotional blackmail ticket of being grieving parents that everyone felt sorry for and I had to be there to look after them. Another few years later i have my own kids and my parents are super involved in their lives. My partner is very patient and understanding but my father is pushing to see how much control he has in our house and over us. He is bulling for a fight and when he doesn't get one he goes into a rage, he hasn't had one for a while so this is an explosion, he says the most viscous things that he knows will hit the right buttons, " I'm no daughter of his I'm a horrible useless person and a bad mother" with all the expletives and raging fists and spitting in my face. The line that sticks most is when he said goodbye to my kids "I feel sorry for you because you have her as a mother but you'll grow  up to see her for the b**ch that she is and hate her and she deserves that" the kids were hystericalafter this, traumatized.
Now my mother and partner hear all this. My partner is upset and we ask them to leave. These rages happen 3 times over the space of a few months the last being the worst where he was physically intimidating to the point I actually believed he would hit me along with the bullying/ viscous verbal abuse. Our kids are hearing this and are distraught.
So I decide that I didnt have a choice in growing up around this but my partner and my kids dont have to. It was seeing this behaviour through their eyes that was like a lightening bolt moment of realising how wrong this is. So we go no contact.

I now suspect my mother is either also BPD or has picked up traits surviving so long living with it. She starts with the emotional blackmailing, gaslighting, denying things happened they way I say it did to the point I dont believe my memory, every phone call ends with me crying and completely spent. The  sending in the relatives, my friends, her friends trying to blackmail me into saying it was my fault and trying to get me to make things better. She has twisted it so it's my fault, I threw them out i have no time for them I'm a horrible daughter to do this to parents who have already lost their son.
Nobody outside of me, my mother, my brother(no longer around to back me up), my partner and kids have seen this other side of him, everyone else adores him, he is the best into he world to everyone ultra generous.
So over the past 7 years since, my parents have seen their grandchildren a few times a year, they take them out for the day, I never let them in my house. I want the kids to have a relationship with the extended family but not have enough time with my parents that they are exposed to the BPD or my parents start taking them for granted and start with the insidious dig/put downs verbal abuses etc.
I couldn't stop them seeing the kids completely that was the ultimate emotional blackmail tool, when my mother told people I wanted to stop her seeing her only grandkids.
Also over the years my mother has got sick but stress sick, depression, shingles (brought on by stress) that led to complications, broken heart syndrome where a stressed person changes their heart rhythm and weakens the heart muscles (she was at deaths door that time sent out ALL the relatives to make me feel guilty but managed to recover). Now she has taken to the bed with a bad back and wont eat. She has a history of playing up even the smallest cold to get sympathy from people. She loves sympathy and pity from others.
She never had boundaries and always made my friends her friends and is sending them and other relatives out to emotionally blackmail me.
 Today I got a letter basically saying she was going into hospital, how much weight she had lost, how much she loves the children and how she always tried to be a good mother, not a word about her or my fathers behaviour, that is never acknowledged. She also said that she had put things in order and I would be able to find them easily when she was no longer here.
I'm finding it very hard not to respond or to scream that she allowed us to grow up with him and has defended him and had enabled him and has emotionally abused me too.
I know there is not point explaining this to her because she cant see it, I do believe she has told herself and others so many lies that she believes them all, I think she has erased memories of the bad things and convinced herself they haven't happened.
I am trying not to reply because it's pointless but it's so hard.
I am also losing patience with people I thought were my friends that are now looking after her. One in particular my longest friend. My mother has her ear the whole time and she is coming back to me making me feel guilty even though she know all the details of what happened and how I was treated. The fact that my friend can still be visiting her, minding her and even talking to me about it makes me think she doesnt believe me about the way I've been treated. Even though she has also had trouble with her mother in law who she has gone non contact with.

I need some strength to stay non contact, how do I  deal with the intermediates that try to make me feel guilty on her behalf. I have lost relationships with extended family, friends, all of my childhood people I really cant lose another friend.
How do i keep my sanity. I know what happened i know the way I've been treated isn't acceptable. I know there is no level of contact suitable because my parents have no boundaries and I am not getting myself, my partner my kids dragged back into that drama.

Rant over thanks if you made it this far. Any advice gratefully received. 

[ProudDad12]

Hi Confused40,

Welcome to the forum! Lots of great people here willing to help; they have helped me a lot.

I can relate to a lot of what you are experiencing. My mom was recently hospitalized, and my family jumped to use it as emotional blackmail for us to break NC. Ultimately we didn't break it, and I'll be honest, it was hard. I got through it by A) constantly reminding myself why we are NC in the first place, B) focusing on the needs of my nuclear family, and C) reminding myself I didn't feel the need to jump and tell them of our own hospital related events.

Anyway, I say I got through it, but honestly it does stick. I still feel guilt sometimes. It's a long and hard process but we move forward and understand sometimes we stumble backwards a little. At the end of the day we move forward with the reminder that we are trying our best to look out for our nuclear families. Even at my lowest, the idea of protecting my wife and kids can generate a spark.

I'm also sorry to hear about your friend. We're experiencing something similar in that one of our best friends and his wife are still socializing with my family in my small hometown. They claim when push comes to shove they're on our team, but they don't seem to understand that push came to shove a long time ago and Switzerland is no longer a sustainable option. It's a friendship I don't want to lose, but they avoid conflict (as do we), so the issue hasn't been pushed as it probably needs to be. All that to say, I don't have any good solutions there, but I definitely empathize with the struggle. It's also great at creating doubt in our own minds. But don't forget that with BPD parents, most of the outside world is oblivious and only see the perfect image they want portrayed, even to those who should know better.

Hang in there and keep posting! It's cathartic, and there are folks on here with great insight. It helps knowing you aren't alone in this craziness.

[Methuen]

I am so sorry for all you have suffered with your parents.  You described it well.  Your post was not too long.  The first word in your post was sorry.  There is no need to apologize.

What you have described here is mistreatment and abuse by your parents.  From your description, it is still affecting you, your quality of life, and now your children.  

" I'm no daughter of his I'm a horrible useless person and a bad mother" with all the expletives and raging fists and spitting in my face. The line that sticks most is when he said goodbye to my kids "I feel sorry for you because you have her as a mother but you'll grow  up to see her for the b**ch that she is and hate her and she deserves that" the kids were hystericalafter this, traumatized...Our kids are hearing this and are distraught.

This is traumatic for you, and for the children.  Children need to feel safe, and this behavior of your father (and mother who supports him) does not make anyone feel safe, and is completely unacceptable.  Although this was a specific incident, kids are smart, and they will feel/know that it is part of a pattern.  Kids see/hear everything, even when we aren't aware of it.

I am wondering if you have ever seen a counsellor or Therapist?   I have found it really helpful for so many reasons.  Sometimes it takes more than 1 T to find the right fit.  I liken it to shopping for a new car.  Sometimes it's necessary to test drive more than 1, even though the car I decide not to buy may be perfect for someone else.

When I retired, I worked for a year in a women's shelter.  What you have described from you parents is typical behavior brought upon the women who showed up in our shelter.  I live in a small town of about 12,000 people, and our shelter had an outreach children's counsellor who worked with children who witnessed abuse.  I just mention it as something that may be available to you if you wish to access that kind of support for your children.

So over the past 7 years since, my parents have seen their grandchildren a few times a year, they take them out for the day, I never let them in my house. I want the kids to have a relationship with the extended family but not have enough time with my parents that they are exposed to the BPD or my parents start taking them for granted and start with the insidious dig/put downs verbal abuses etc.
I couldn't stop them seeing the kids completely that was the ultimate emotional blackmail tool, when my mother told people I wanted to stop her seeing her only grandkids.

Yes, emotional blackmail.  It sounds like there is a lot of it going on here.  And it sounds like you are walking a bit of a tightrope here to keep the peace with your parents, but also protect your kids.  

If you had to chose, which is more important?  I would consider doing a values exercise, and let your decisions flow from that.

How old are your kids now?

On the one hand, your father yells this at you in front of your kids:  "I feel sorry for you because you have her as a mother but you'll grow  up to see her for the b**ch that she is and hate her and she deserves that".  On the other hand, you try to restrict contact between your kids and parents by not letting your parents in your house, but they can still take the kids out for a day.  So I'm just thinking about this from the child's point of view.  They were traumatized by the incident where you father abused you in front of the children, and yet they get to spend a day alone with that same person.  I wonder how they process all that.

You are in an incredibly difficult situation, and a T could really help sort out the intricacies of this, and be a constant support, in addition to the support you will find in this bpdfamily community.  I think the more places we can draw on for support the better.  

I need some strength to stay non contact, how do I  deal with the intermediates that try to make me feel guilty on her behalf. I have lost relationships with extended family, friends, all of my childhood people I really cant lose another friend.

The root of an unhealthy relationship is usually about power and control.  While your parents are spreading misinformation/lies about you to other people to gain support for themselves at your expense, they probably believe what they are saying to others, if BPD is involved.  It's a BPD defense mechanism to protect themselves, because they aren't capable of owning any of the blame, or looking for self-help to improve themselves.  What they are doing to you is all about power and control to meet their own needs.  It's messed up.  My uBPD mother is 84 now, and I have a very complicated relationship with her.  It has definitely had an affect on my children who are now 23 and 25.  I have only come to realize this in the past year! Truthfully, I don't feel my situation with my mother is as bad as what you have described. My mother is currently more of a waif type (she's grown into this with old age and a failing body), although the witch still periodically comes out of the closet.  

I guess I'm telling you this because you say you need strength to stay NC.  Is it NC or LC?  At any rate, trauma is intergenerational.  Maybe that reminder can bring you a little strength. In my family, it's 4 generations that I know of.  My grandfather was a monster.  My mom has uBPD, and I suspect almost all of her siblings (6) do too.  I'm a "non", but have my own issues with a BPD mom who raised me.  Now, I'm becoming aware of how it has also impacted our children.  I'm not sure on the facts, but I think BPD tends to run in families.  Good for you for trying to minimize the risk.

How close to you do your parents live?

As to losing relationships with extended family, friends, childhood people, I remind myself every day that these people in my life have their own eyes, and brains, to see what they see, and form their own thoughts, despite the information your parents may be feeding them.  I have to have some faith that people can see flashes of our parents' flaws for themselves, because the faults of BPD's eventually reveal themselves.  They can't help it.  Believing that is one of my coping mechanisms.  It helps bring me hope.  So while you feel that you have "lost" extended family members and friends, I wonder if it's possible that some of those people are just uncomfortable with what your parents tell them, and avoid contact just to avoid their own discomfort with the situation?  Maybe while you are feeling that they are judging you based solely on what your parents are telling them, they may just be trying to stay away from their own awkwardness of the situation instead?  Does that makes sense?  Kind of like "it's none of my business" because they either don't want (or don't know how) to get involved with something messy?  Also, I wouldn't believe everything your parents may be telling you about what other people think.  If that is happening, just consider the reliability of the source, right?  They're just telling you what they want you to think, but it doesn't mean it is true.   On the other hand, if you have had extended family members/friends pass verbal judgement on you, this is tough.  I would reply with a simple statement such as "the situation is complicated, and may not be what it seems to outside eyes" and leave it at that. At the end of the day, the facts are what matter the most, and you are the holder of the facts, so have faith that these other people don't have all the information, that they may be smarter than you think (but fearful of getting involved), and your job is to protect yourself and your family and feel safe.  Safety is #1.  

How do i keep my sanity.

Take care of yourself and your family first.  Do things together that you enjoy.  Build happy memories.  These things will make your family feel safe.  

Hang in there.

[Confused40]

Thanks for the replies.
I suppose I have gone non contact completely with my father and very low contact with my mother. She sends letters and gifts in the post all the time to get attention and then when I dont acknowledge them or say thanks I'm also the baddy. The more she emotionally blackmails me the less contact I give her.
They live between this country and another, they have lived a long time over there but have most of their extended family here.

They used to stay in our house for weeks on end and when we asked them to leave they bought a house 3 doors away. It lies empty half the time and when they are in it my mother is at the window  spying on us even when I walk the dog early in the morning. Talk about a power play. They are not able to travel at the moment, my partner said it's great it gives us some peace, but that is increasing my mothers anxiety about not seeing the kids.
The kids were young when the witnessed the abuse I doubt they have memories of it but it was a turning point at which I knew if I let it carry on it would affect them. they are older now 7-12 and know something is different with the relationship we have with my parents and my partners, their other grandparents.
Letting them see my kids is a struggle I am torn each time it keeps them connected to us but then so does the house down the road.
I know if its intermittent access they will just go overboard nice to the kids and over generous but I will definitely control it. The kids are getting to the age they are to old to want to hang around with grandparents and go to indoor play parks, which is all they do with them.

I haven't been to a therapist I know it needs to be done time and money being the obstacles. my partner is great we had a good talk yesterday about what do we say to the kids and what is our action plan if and when  my parents get sick or something does happen to them.

I know the extended family do feel awkward I suspect some do know what he is capable of but they are very close and they will bury their heads in the sand to keep the appearance of being close and everything is ok.

One aunt said she didnt believe he was capable of saying those things so I replied that meant she was calling me a liar and she had no answer. I just replied that people could be different I  didderent situations and if she had no problem with him I wasnt going to come between them.

So handy to have found this page and know I'm not the only one. Thanks again.