Healing can take a long time -- This is what helped me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone,

I've been away from the board for a few months.  After two years off work, I got a new job, and also was in the midst of a final financial settlement with my ex.  My brain has been full!  Someone sent me a PM this evening and brought me back to the board.  Some quick background for those of you who do not know me -- 30 year relationship, 25 year marriage to BPDxw, which escalated to domestic violence by her.  With the help of this board, I got safe 2.5 years ago, tried to save the relationship, was not able to, and got divorced 8 months ago.

Life is starting to be good.  It's been a long road.  There were many wonderful things in my years of marriage, and I'm mourning the loss, but I am sure I made the right decision, and am so glad to be free of the craziness that impacted our lives.  Everyone is different, but I wanted to share that the road to recovery can be long, and if you're feeling like you're not done and you should be, know that it's normal.  I also wanted to take a moment to tell you about the things that made the biggest difference for me:

* Come to this board regularly.  Find community here.  Post your own threads, and reply to support others.  This is huge.
* Find at least five sources of support.   Reach out to old friends.  Reconnect with family.
* Focus on your own behaviors and on things you can control.  Stop focusing on your ex's behaviors or trying to change them.  This is super difficult, but has an amazing payoff.
* Develop your sense of purpose.  My parenting and career were interrupted, and those two things had defined me.  I found purpose as a volunteer here first, then a year after separation found an outdoor hobby with a community, and nearly two years after separation, I moved out of the family home to a new place all my own.  Getting back to work has been one of the final steps.
* Read the articles on this site.  Learn about boundaries and healthy relationships.  Understand your family of origin and learn to break the patterns that have bound you.
* A therapist, and EMDR trauma therapy, have been a game changer for me.
* Let go of conflict.  We all know we'll need to do this, but it can take time.  Do your best.  Keep getting better.
* Be patient with yourself.  Recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD can be incredibly difficult.

The things that happened, and my ex's distortions, still tie my brain in knots sometimes.  I still have the occasional day when sadness drops over me like a shroud.  But most days are pretty nice, and many are great. 

It'd be good to hear from others who may be far along on the journey.  If you're not, let us know how you're doing.  I'd be happy to answer any questions.  Getting to this point has been a s**t ton of work, and it helps to share the lessons so others can benefit from it.

RC

[Radcliff]

Hello everyone,

I've been away from the board for a few months.  After two years off work, I got a new job, and also was in the midst of a final financial settlement with my ex.  My brain has been full!  Someone sent me a PM this evening and brought me back to the board.  Some quick background for those of you who do not know me -- 30 year relationship, 25 year marriage to BPDxw, which escalated to domestic violence by her.  With the help of this board, I got safe 2.5 years ago, tried to save the relationship, was not able to, and got divorced 8 months ago.

Life is starting to be good.  It's been a long road.  There were many wonderful things in my years of marriage, and I'm mourning the loss, but I am sure I made the right decision, and am so glad to be free of the craziness that impacted our lives.  Everyone is different, but I wanted to share that the road to recovery can be long, and if you're feeling like you're not done and you should be, know that it's normal.  I also wanted to take a moment to tell you about the things that made the biggest difference for me:

* Come to this board regularly.  Find community here.  Post your own threads, and reply to support others.  This is huge.
* Find at least five sources of support.   Reach out to old friends.  Reconnect with family.
* Focus on your own behaviors and on things you can control.  Stop focusing on your ex's behaviors or trying to change them.  This is super difficult, but has an amazing payoff.
* Develop your sense of purpose.  My parenting and career were interrupted, and those two things had defined me.  I found purpose as a volunteer here first, then a year after separation found an outdoor hobby with a community, and nearly two years after separation, I moved out of the family home to a new place all my own.  Getting back to work has been one of the final steps.
* Read the articles on this site.  Learn about boundaries and healthy relationships.  Understand your family of origin and learn to break the patterns that have bound you.
* A therapist, and EMDR trauma therapy, have been a game changer for me.
* Let go of conflict.  We all know we'll need to do this, but it can take time.  Do your best.  Keep getting better.
* Be patient with yourself.  Recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD can be incredibly difficult.

The things that happened, and my ex's distortions, still tie my brain in knots sometimes.  I still have the occasional day when sadness drops over me like a shroud.  But most days are pretty nice, and many are great. 

It'd be good to hear from others who may be far along on the journey.  If you're not, let us know how you're doing.  I'd be happy to answer any questions.  Getting to this point has been a s**t ton of work, and it helps to share the lessons so others can benefit from it.

RC

[juju2]

thank you RC

Appreciate your sharing what it is like.

You have had a long history w bpd.

My history starts in 2007.  At the current time, we are separated, for 2.5 years now, and looking at reconciling.  Being alone for the last years has been healing.  It seems like both of us have grown in good ways.
We both have kids, not ours together,  grown.

So much of what I read in your shares has been familiar to me.  Much reminds me of our first 5 years, where I think he was unstable and I was ignorant of the disorder...  So much lately, these last 3 years, has been about me and being who I want to be and not being codependent.
I am in a 12 step for co dependency (al anon).

Living apart I am sure has helped from daily reprieve.  Am ready to try again.  Financially we do better together...

Thank you for sharing your story.  I started reading your first posts.
It's poignant.  I haven't read your whole story, did you try separation. 
Thank you.

[JNChell]

Hello, Radcliff. Welcome back. It’s nice to hear about your progress. Being on the upswing has to feel good. This board has been a game changer for me as well. I’m well past where I was when I first showed up here. This community gave me the space and guidance to look inside of myself, and that’s when I really was able to start healing. Coupled with some trauma therapy, I’m a much different person than when I showed up here. Your advice is golden. I hope you stick around and continue to share it.

[Radcliff]

Thanks, Amback and JNChell!

Amback, I understand what you mean about the time away helping.  I did try a separation.  It gave me the safety and peace I needed to heal and grow, and to become good at boundaries, and recognizing healthy and unhealthy behavior.  In my case, my ex could never become accountable for the abuse, and when interacting with her, I felt like there was a constant struggle for me to be recognized as a person who had needs as valid as hers.  Basically, I learned the minimum I needed in a relationship, and was not able to get there with my ex.  One of the fundamental truths of these boards is that every case is different.  If you choose to give it a go again, make sure you've gotten good at boundaries as we teach them here.  If you've learned and healed enough that you can identify unhealthy behavior without feeling super threatened, and can enforce a boundary with calm confidence, you may be ready.  Best wishes to you, and keep us posted!

JNChell, I agree.  The lessons I've learned here have had an astonishing impact on my life.  Being able to identify healthy vs. unhealthy behavior feels like a superpower to me compared to the fog I was living in before.  It has fundamentally altered how I interact with people in my personal and professional life.  I'm able to spend more time around healthy folks and be less freaked out by unhealthy folks.

RC

[juju2]

Thank you RC.

I agree learning fundamentals in relationship basics does feel like a superpower.  And it works in all situations.

It's an eye opener to me how much unhealthy is out there in my day to day.
And I surprise myself in that I am not taken in by the unacceptable stuff.
I have taken back my life.
And I have learned to be ok with being alone rather than being with unhealthy people.  Being alone is fine with me, nothing to be afraid of.
I think being able to be alone has helped me recognize who I do want to spend time with. 

[juju2]

The other thing I have noticed is I no longer feel compelled to fix anything. So many things are not my job. I no longer am in the "taking care of everyone" business..
Am learning new ways to be ok with natural consequences...
I was the great Gumby.
It's a life I am glad to leave behind.
It's refreshing and life giving to allow, to be with, to breathe, without fixing or changing one thing.

[JNChell]

It has fundamentally altered how I interact with people in my personal and professional life.  I'm able to spend more time around healthy folks and be less freaked out by unhealthy folks.

I couldn’t agree more. It’s still a work in progress for me, but a lot of progress has been made. Trying to describe the paradigm shift is difficult, but it feels like a brand new sense of calmness and self awareness, for lack of better words. I love a good success story. Thanks for bringing your’s here.

[zachira]

Radcliff,
I am glad you are doing well. Thank you for sharing what helped you.
EMDR was a game changer for me as well. EMDR taught me to be present in the moment which allowed me to be able to do mindfulness on my own.
We love to hear success stories. Thank you for helping others and giving our members hope that things can get better, and we can have healthy rewarding lives even though our relationship had a painful ending.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the support Amback, JNChell, and zachira!

RC

[missyou]

  RC
So happy to hear that you are doing well and are in a good place.  You have been a great support to me and many others in the " family"
Thanks for sharing your experience and your wisdom.
It is appreciated .
MY

[Cat Familiar]

Awesome to hear such wonderful news from you, Radcliffe 

I’ll second the thought that healing can take a long time. When I first arrived here, I was still dealing with the anger I felt from my first marriage, even though I’d been divorced for years. And unfortunately I had allowed that anger to spill over upon my current husband, in that I saw patterns similar to what I’d previously experienced.

This community is a wonderful place for us to examine habitual thought patterns that keep us from being our best. Lots of collective wisdom here and wonderful folks who are happy to share what they’ve learned.

You have been a mentor for me. I’m so happy to hear that things are so much better in your world. 

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so glad to see you back here, RC, with a success story of healing after a r/s and divorce with a pwbpd.

EMDR was (and is) absolutely a game changer for me, too. I am still in the process of it (though that is on hiatus due to having to move to teletherapy because of the covid mess) and I have found that it has helped me to move past some things that I was stuck on (some I didn't even know were keeping me stuck) for the last twenty, thirty, even forty years. Amazing.

I can say that these days I feel a lot less guilt about the r/s and my overexaggerated sense of responsibility for it. I also do not feel pulled into the sadness of it all anymore. I do have times where it presses upon me, but I am able to acknowledge the sadness, let it pass, and move on with my day much quicker than I used to.

It no longer feels like a huge tragedy. It is complex in that it is sad, and also scary, when I look back at some of what I experienced, but it is also the jumping-off place for the trajectory of my life now- and my life has never been more stable or purposeful. I owe much of that to these boards, and to the members here; you played a big part in that. Thank you.

I'm so glad that you have reached a place of peace and healing.

[DiscoDave]

Very inspiring post RC, thank you.

Thanks to others too for sharing their stories. After recently coming out of an intense 7 year relationship myself it is encouraging to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[JNChell]

I’ve read a lot about EMDR. It’s not readily available in my area. At least not covered by insurance. What is that therapy like? I think I know what it is, but it would be nice to hear about it.

[I Am Redeemed]

EMDR is a trauma resolution therapy that uses either taps or the therapist moving his/her hand back and forth (or a light). The left/right/left/right motions are focused on by the client while also focusing on a target trauma memory. The therapist will have you stop and ask what is coming up, which can be thoughts, feelings, realizations, physical sensations, etc. Then the therapist will have you go with whatever is coming up and do the motions again.

My therapist just has me follow her hand back and forth, but I did do a trauma resolution class at a mental health center once that used taps. It worked for me also.

The goal is to get the emotional distress surrounding the memory down. The therapist will ask you before and after to rate the level of distress from 1 to 7. They will also help you identify beforehand a negative core message and a positive core message that you want to replace it with.

My T explained to me that the difference in EMDR and CBT is that CBT focuses on changing behaviors and thoughts through teaching the client to replace negative messages with positive ones by thinking harder about the positive message. The two run parallel to each other, but by thinking harder about the positive message, you can eventually be pulled more towards that than the negative. EMDR, however, actually reroutes the neural pathways in your brain and "flips" the negative message into the positive one. So there is no need for a continuous struggle of thinking harder about a positive core message, because the negative core message has been changed completely.

It's really cool, I think.

There is also a trauma therapy called Rapid Resolution Therapy. My T is trained in it, but she said she needs to work on it a little more before she is comfortable with it. She did not explain exactly what it is, but did say that it involves using imagery. Anyway, I had never heard of it, so I was interested by it.

[JNChell]

Thank you, IAR. Thank you so much for taking the time to describe it. I’ve been out of therapy for around a year. I wanted to see where I was with myself. I’m pretty good. I’ve accepted medication, which I’ve cut in half. Halfing it is working.

I understand the trauma that I’ve been through. I’ve talked about it and processed it. I believe that I’m at a point where it’s up to me. I have to accept things. If I don’t, I’m back down the rabbit hole. I just want to move on and hopefully find a friend along the way. I’m very aware.

[JNChell]

A simple and smart life.

[alittleawkward]

There are some fantastic stories of recovery on this thread, so thank you for sharing hope onto the board.

Some questions for you all though - How did you end up in EMDR Therapy? Were you directed towards it by a psychiatrist or a general therapist, or did you request and seek it out?

Also, there is much mentioning of boundaries and basic foundations of a relationship being a big learning curve for people here. Can you give some examples of these things? Boundaries over what? Foundations such as? I know it's silly and every relationships would be different but some real examples gives clear pictures!

9 months after the split and talking to my exwBPD, I think my largest hurdle now is being in the position to reconcile and fantasising about how much 'better' it will be this time, whilst also being completely aware that that thought is probably unrealistic. Haven't rebounded yet. Dancing around the thought of it.

Good to know that if things fall the other way and we don't, there can be peace.