Understanding and accepting who I am

[JNChell]

I’ve come to the realization that I don’t clique with a lot of people. It’s been a bit of a struggle for me the farther I move along the healing process. I don’t quite understand it because I’ve become a very friendly person that basically keeps to myself unless I’m approached by others. To keep this in context, I have my friends and family. I’m not a shut in. The changes that are happening within me feel good and right, but at times I feel like the weird kid in the class, for lack of better words. I see things much more differently than most of the people that I talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not on high alert 24/7, but so much sticks out to me now.

It feels a bit lonely to realize this. You know, it’s said that ignorance is bliss. But, ignorance can lead to very bad things.

Just some thoughts.

[zachira]

JNChell,
You are not alone in trying to understand and accept who you are. What stands out to me in your description of yourself is you wait for others to seek you out. I have been the way you are for most of my life, and I finally figured out that it was due to having avoidant attachment. Babies with avoidant attachment know they cannot count on their mothers for comfort and learn not to reach out for comfort from their mothers. As adults, people with avoidant attachment are too independent and are challeged in recognzing that close relationships are part of being healthy and happy.
Another possiblity is you are an introvert. Introverts recharge alone whereas extroverts get lots of energy being around people. I am an extrovert, and when I worked 10 hours a day, seeing up to three people an hour, I spent my three day weekends by myself and had no friends. I can only imagine how much many introverts crave alone time when they spend so much time with people at work, and then are often encouraged to be more sociable outside of work. Another part of being an introvert, is only being interested in a few select people, and having pretty defined interests.
You are not alone in not cliquing with a lot of people. It is very evident you are very intellingent guy, so maybe a lot of people are just not that interesting to you. You also are a very caring guy, and the American culture emphasizes putting on a brave face and not showing emotions.
So many things to think about when on the road to self discovery which is a big part of our healing from growing up in a family that did not value us for who we are and stiffled our becoming people in our own right, not emeshed into a family assigned role.I could go on and on about all the things that make us who we are, the things that make us unique special individuals to those things that we have in common with the rest of humanity. You are on a real special path to healing as you work on finding out more about who you are, and the more you learn about yourself, the more you will become comfortable in your own skin.
 

[Cromwell]

Im sure there are theories out there that put emphasis on the importance of being part of social groups, sort of, fish are safer in shoals approach. My own way I relate to what you say JNChell is a feeling of having been through so much upset from a young age and having to be resourceful and independent quicker, it led me away from the mainstream of my peers. I am fine with making friends and I can make friends easily, get described as an extrovert by others but this feeling of being very much different I relate to well.

I used to find a lot of talk very banal sometimes still do, I had to learn often to feign an interest and on certain subjects that are popular as small talk, (following sports teams, celebrities, tv personalities so forth) the conversations used to becoming uncomfortable, they are often the type of popular subject matter people have most often tred to bond with.

Part of it was suffering from depression, I started to not be interested in my own hobbies and interests let alone anyone elses, that itself is a factor I feel plays a big part in feeling different.

As zachira mentions, cultural expectations probably play an important role too on how we relate and perceive how me match up to generalised norms. There is pressure to conform to some degree - when you stand from a viewpoint that each and every one of us is incredibly special and unique, yet expected to fit in and play a certain role to get along. If you think you are very different, id put it to you from my view is that is because you are right, and concious of it. Ignorance is not bliss although to some extent we all are ignorant, have a blind spot and make our minds fill in the rest - yet being more reflective and taking time to think about relative strengths and limitations, defining myself more has helped so much in these last few years to see where I want to adapt more or where I should be heading towards, career, relationships everything. I feel statistically the more relationships you make, the more chance there is there will be less of a gulf in relating to people as being "more different". Anyway, if you hypotetically could find another JNChell out there, would that help? would they automatically be your best buddy? I have met Cromwell-esque types, they are rare but they still had plenty of differences that made them bearable (half an hour maximum thanks)

I think we are all one-of-a-kinds but maybe there is some scope within that in terms of outward behaviour, there are masses of people who are all doing so much similar things it can be a merging form of camoflague to be able to discern them as individuals.

[shield-me]

Hi JNChell, I have always felt like the weirdo too, I accept it with a little rebellious positivity or sarcasm. I hide from narcissistic BPDs...the anxiety I get...too much energy.

[JNChell]

zachira, thank you so much for your kind words and insight. You’ve got me thinking.

What stands out to me in your description of yourself is you wait for others to seek you out

This is correct. In fact, I have always tried to get attention from certain people. Not in a dramatic way, but in a way that my hard work or achievements might get noticed. Especially towards alpha males. It has, at times, gotten me mixed up with people that I wish I hadn’t gotten close to. Nothing crazy, but things that I now view as setbacks. This is hard to admit as a man, but I’m very glad that you’ve shown up here.

I don’t know if I’m avoidant, but I do know that I couldn’t count on my mom for real and consistent affection. I feared her more than anything. I do tend to shy away from help from women. I don’t dislike women, so please don’t interpret that the wrong way. I just don’t know how to feel comfortable accepting help from a woman. I’m very attracted to women, but there are parts that aren’t developed, I guess, in me that can allow a healthy woman into my life. At least not yet. I hope that makes sense.

I’ve been an introvert and an extrovert throughout my life. I know that sounds shaky, but I’m grounded in my identity. I feel like I’ve found a happy balance on that spectrum. I used to play live music in front of, sometimes, hundreds of people. I’ve worked in sales and was successful. I have no desire to do those things again. Music, a bit, but not enough to make me push it. I was very introverted as a child. Shy and scared. Trained and abused. I’m not there anymore so I’m ok.

When I sit here with myself, I realize that I’ll be 44 years old in October. Where did all of that time go? Is that what trauma really does to people? I’m no longer a victim, I’m just bewildered at how fast everything has gone, the things that I’ve done to try to ignore my reality and how, at times, it feels like I’ve wasted so much of my time. These things used to anger me, but not anymore. I’m at peace with it all somehow. Sometimes it’s hard to not regret.

[JNChell]

Hello, Cromwell. I’m glad to see you here.

defining myself more has helped so much in these last few years to see where I want to adapt more or where I should be heading towards, career, relationships everything.

I’m with you here. Constant self improvement. Maybe this can fall into the category of self care. I don’t know about you, but I was never taught about that. But here we are figuring it out.

a feeling of having been through so much upset from a young age and having to be resourceful and independent quicker

For sure. With no real guidance there were pitfalls. Resilience is really something, though. If I may, what caused you upset during your childhood Cromwell?

I understand engaging in banter to keep things cool. I’m not interested in what a lot of people are, and I’m kind of pragmatic when I’m asked if I saw “XYZ” on TV. I’m not an ass about it, but I say that I don’t watch TV. That alone garners weird looks. I like podcasts, books and guitar.

It sounds like you’re talking about standardization, and that is a scary thing. I’m not saying that you’re promoting it, I’m just trying to join you here. You know, I worry about my son when it comes to this stuff. He’s an individual just like you and I. What does his future look like and how are we setting him up? Not too well I think.

[JNChell]

Hi, shield-me. I always appreciate a rebel that can bring sarcasm to the table. What do you got?

[shield-me]

I say that online like an extrovert but in real life I'm just a quiet introvert 

[JNChell]

Are you going to riddle? Come on now, let’s talk. Favorite song?

[JNChell]

https://youtu.be/H5xhyuCkPBAm

My favorite song.

[shield-me]

My spouse is a musician, we have been married for 20 years.

[Cromwell]

JNChell,

One of the main issues is likely due to dogma style of parenting, my parents were perfectionists, there was no flexibility to entertain the idea of expressing that there could or should be a different way. I learned to keep my thoughts to myself whilst simultaneously habitually learning from them.

There was no need for other role models, my parents knew better too. There was a narrative that they had that humans are not as a species all that hard to understand, that history repeats itself, that the same prime motivators for behaviour can be reduced without losing the main points. Sciences that seek to explain are only there for the peripheral scraps, there is fundamentally nothing that changes through the eras, religion was the precursor to psychology, religious literature a prior guide to how to live life that can be just as much valued as any other self help book, or Dr I-know-it book that promotes how best to bring up your child in any given era.

I rebelled a lot JNChell, I wanted to desperately self express, there was so much I did not agree with. They were more than happy that I left on my own accord, I think the idea was to know how hard it would be, watch me fail, concede self defeat and return with an acknowledgement that they were right all along.

Yet it did not happen this way, too stubborn and defiant, rigid minded in my own way. It led to a lot of rejection of what was so good about them too, and having to suffer not just the outcomes of failure, but having the "i told you we were right" on top of it.

BPDx for example was the last straw, she represented everything asymetric to the type of woman they would have accepted, went against all sensibility. Holding on to that relationship was not just in the pursuit of 'love', it was a declaration of doing what I want to do. In short, not the reasons I truly would have wanted. Realising this has made it easier to move on from as much as going through this, I needed that desperately as well.

Thanks for sharing your song, about your anxiety about your son, I try to relate to if I had to bring my step son up in how I perceive where society is and predict where it is going, I share what I believe are your concerns, I feel glad I did that task and it is more or less complete and in the era I did it. I am more than certain and  he has the right teacher as much as I know you will learn a lot from him, as I did mine.

[JNChell]

20 years is a long time.

[JNChell]

I’m a musician. Music is a passion of mine. Slide guitar. I’m really into the Delta Blues and the Mississippi Hill Country Blues.

[JNChell]

Cromwell, narcissism is a very hard thing to live through, and ultimately overcome. I’m so sorry that you had to go through what you’ve described. Coming out of it is a bitch, yeah? Realizing what we’ve been through, the choices that we’ve made and the people we’ve ended up with. It’s very easy to blame, but you’re on the higher road of awareness and self exploration. Pat yourself on the back for that. Our upbringings have gifted us daily challenges. Damn it, but at the same time we’re very tough people. Being tough has come with consequences though. I never felt love from my mom and dad. How about you?

[JNChell]

Here, shield-me. https://youtu.be/9azqKcTGA_E

[Cromwell]

I guess I felt love, until I witnessed it collapse on its props. Im not sure what would have been better, to have not felt loved at all, or to have to face the confusion of having believed in love and then to re-learn that this belief was a misguided one.

You are right JNChell, there has been good that has come out of it, you mention time and how fast it has gone, I am more grateful to appreciate having my eyes open to a new vista and to pursue the sort of life I wish for on my own terms. I do not want to look back with lament but to view the present as where it is all about. I hope you notice (you were the first person I met here) that there is an emphasis on the now along with more acceptance of what led up to it. I am glad that I met you and others here as part of it, it changed the past by taking the pain away from the present. Therefore, my past is no longer what it once was.

[JNChell]

Cromwell, you have perfectly described how a child doesn’t receive what he needs from his parents. Isn’t it interesting how we can be intellectually in tune, but so fundamentally hurt by the two people that we relied on? You’re one of the more intelligent people that I’ve come across throughout my healing process and getting smarter for myself. What was your upbringing like? Did your dad play with you as a child? Did he give good advice during your adolescence?

[Cromwell]

Hi JNChell, he did try and I recall how much I enjoyed whatever attention he did give, when he was in a good mood but the issue here is, he got frustrated easily if I didnt seem to enjoy or feel dedicated to the stuff he would arrange with me. Taught me Chess, backgammon, scrabble encouraged me to read plenty, tried to teach me maths but quadratic equations and trig didnt work for me at 11, I wanted nintendo my mother bought but got put into the attic and stayed there regardless.

he never let me win either, the b@stard

I dont have the animosity anymore to him JNChell, he got to a top of the career he wanted had a new family, remarried, described by friends as "full of fun" and all the rest, he expected me to follow his lost aspirations, a career in the navy, have a yacht, a lot of ostentatious social climbing stuff was in his head which was a result of, you guessed it, made to feel belittled by his own father. As you pointed out years ago to me, this stuff seeps through generations, destined to repeat itself unless identified and conciously efforts to put an end to.

He went through life as a high achiever in status terms, a senior manager, never getting close enough to anyone to see any fault lines, the opposite he was described as the "social glue" used to secure business deals and manage projects.

So to see this, and to have had the cold shoulder from him, whilst I saw him for his real side - I still carried with it this feeling of being wrong, and that I had somehow failed and validated that I never met his expectations - that they were reasonable.

Generally though, me and my mother eventually were just happy he was gone, he cheated on her started an entire new life, I have 5 siblings I have never met in person and couldnt care less.

It was a bit triggering, I never played chess since until I met BPDx and taught her to play, I set out not to let her win and 3 or 4 games in she won regardless, "loved" chess and "loved" me for teaching her.

It has all been so strange and at times surreal too.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell! 

  Haven't said hi to you in a long while.  Good to see you here.

I always thought I was normal until I went back to college in my 40's and saw how different I really was. My view of life is not shallow or simple. I see with different eyes. I suspect you do too. We had to grow up early with our really tough childhoods. Not two ways about that. We were handed a different set of glasses to wear than so much of the rest of the world. Those of us here all ended up with the same basic glasses, giving us a view of life through the lenses of childhood trauma.

As you are healing, you look through those same lenses differently than you ever did before. Now you see so much more clearly. Your vision is getting better all the time. 

 
Wools

[Cromwell]

I’m a musician. Music is a passion of mine. Slide guitar. I’m really into the Delta Blues and the Mississippi Hill Country Blues.

at the moment you were typing this on a support group.

Were you still a musician? or were you something else.

[HappyChappy]

  Hey JNChell,  long time,  good to see you’re still fighting the good fight. Just wanted to say you do appear to connect well with many on here. Maybe that’s not how it feels to you , but that’s how it appears. I took an instant like to you, you're warm, friendly and open minded. I’ve done sales and stood on stages whilst being reserved in other ways. You mention your mother’s influence, I read if you have an overbearing parent, we can set our boundaries all wrong. Maybe too low ( too friendly) at times, maybe too high at others, i.e. you wait for people to approach you. Do you feel you’re friendly to a point, and then recoil ?
 
Hey Woolspinner2000 hope you’re doing well. You see JNChell I was going to make a joke about Wooly being my future wife (don’t tell her) but recoiled because I thought that would be too familiar. I know I keep a distance with humour, resulting in people thinking I never need help, cause I’m always a “Happy Chappy” ( not so on the inside).

JNChell you are part of our tribe, an awesome tribe, you’re not alone. It’s an exclusive tribe, so it’s harder to find members , but how many close friends do you need ? I read 5 key contacts  is what we need in life. Music is tribal, so Cromwell’s suggestion of getting with other musicians (mainly to drown out the noise of your slide guitar) is a good one. Also if you’re waiting for others to come to you, I appreciate it is very America to turn up late to the party ( WW2 ) but could your boundaries been too high ? I know many on here (myself included) are afraid of intimacy.  Maybe you're too hard on yourself  (well except for the guitar playing). Have a good week.  

[JNChell]

Cromwell, thank you for sharing these parts of yourself. It really means a lot to the whole community.

I’m convinced that my dad did his best as well, but that consisted of being a terrifying individual if he felt slighted in any way. I’m at a point where I understand that he had his own underlying issues, but I’ve unloaded everything that he put on me. My burden is enough without having to shoulder his underdevelopment.

Reading your post has helped me understand things better on this side of the pond. I had happy times with my dad, but these were when I was little. I understand that that might sound contradictory, but I believe that he was able to relate to and control me as a youngster. He taught me some primitive things, which I’m happy to say that I’m much better at than he could’ve ever been because he wasn’t given the ability to try harder when he failed. He married a caretaker.

I have 5 siblings I have never met in person and couldnt care less.

I have three out there. I’ve been in contact with 2, but those communications have dissolved. My situation was due to adoption. My bio dad died, my bio mom is disordered. My parents are dead. I’m ok with everything described. It’s just refreshing to look at and accept the reasons for my struggles. To have a focal point to work from instead of wandering aimlessly with out knowing what my anger and issues are about.

It has all been so strange and at times surreal too.

I haven’t played chess for a very long time. The mirroring was something else, yes? There was a lot of it going on, but there were certain things that really gave us that warm and fuzzy feeling. If I can take one thing away from this journey, it’s how deep the human psyche can go. BPD has been called a bottomless pit. It is if untreated. But, the human psyche is a bottomless pit as well. It’s what we do with it. I don’t understand how some people come out of these things with self awareness and a healthy amount of fear to not repeat what we’ve experienced. I don’t think that anyone I talk to here plays chess with the other for emotional survival. Know what I mean?

I’m always a musician, friend. It’s part of my identity. It’s who I am.

[JNChell]

Hi, Wools. Yeah, it’s been a minute. I’m very glad to hear from you.

I always thought I was normal until I went back to college in my 40's and saw how different I really was.

Normal needs to be a fluid thing here, but I know what you’re saying. I’m not going to cheapen what you’re saying because I know what you’ve been through. It’s ok to say that you’re WAY MORE self aware and can spot things on a dime. The hard part is adjusting to it.

Personally, I’ve tried to accept it as a gift. A hard adjustment, but a higher level of awareness. There is nothing wrong with that as long as it’s accompanied with the tools (without going into a ton of explanation). I’m sure you understand what I’m saying.
 
My vision is getting better. Thank you, Wools. 

[JNChell]

HappyChappy. It is so good to hear from. Wasn’t sure if your funny ass was coming back.

I’ve worked in sales as well and played music on stages. I’m not sure that my confidence is really, but maybe it’s just shifted in its purpose. Where do I place that energy? Know what I’m saying.

Yes. At times I can be friendly, and then recoil. Sometimes with being very pragmatic. I don’t trust easily. The folks that I do trust, I would protect ferociously.

I took to you as well. Always happy to interact with you, and you’ve given me so much laughter.

I don’t know how to set proper boundaries  yet. I’m trying, but I’m not getting it right. I’m either overly aggressive, or very passive. I haven’t found that middle ground yet. Reparrenting is a weird thing for me.

[Cromwell]

It’s just refreshing to look at and accept the reasons for my struggles. To have a focal point to work from instead of wandering aimlessly with out knowing what my anger and issues are about.

I hear you and as much as I felt for years that there was always something else better to do and that what has happened is in the past - it has always been at least a hidden heavy burden to have had to carry and unresolved. I guess I found and made the time to try and make sense of it, acknowledge it too as an issue and not deny that it did not have an effect on the present. I have had strength to carry it, manage it my own way but it took its toll to the point of having to learn that strength is also found in reaching out and sharing the burden. Being even open to the fact that there are people out there who can help, at least try to relate.

BPD has been called a bottomless pit. It is if untreated. But, the human psyche is a bottomless pit as well. It’s what we do with it. I don’t understand how some people come out of these things with self awareness and a healthy amount of fear to not repeat what we’ve experienced. I don’t think that anyone I talk to here plays chess with the other for emotional survival. Know what I mean?

I found any sort of 1 to 1 hobbies worked well, that what helped was not having an audience even in a pool hall doing their own thing, where she might notice a "glance" and interpret it the wrong way. That sort of scenario was a good result that it happened to have went well, but it took a lot of mental energy to try to ensure it did. Baking went well. What I felt personally needy for was lacking, Im an outdoors person, I enjoy physical active sports, but I had to subvert these because I learned of how uncomfortable and reactive she could be unpredictably in public areas.

I’m always a musician, friend. It’s part of my identity. It’s who I am.

I feel a bit lost since soccer has now been cancelled due to Covid. I have not played in 3 weeks and I doubt I will for some time. Played it daily through childhood and adolescence, swimming too, then in my 20s other sports, picked it up again last year. In terms of my identity I am only a soccer player whilst I am playing soccer. If up front, striker, if in goals goalkeeper, if injured and out of the game, patient undergoing treatment. no longer a soccer player. What are your thoughts on this JNChell, would you regard me as a soccer play at this moment in time? What about typist and writer? Does it make sense to combine them together? soccerplayer-typist-writer? based only that I have a talent to play soccer, ability to type, and I can put letters together to form words. Yet I can not do all these things at once. Or is my identity a 'soccer player, that is not playing soccer?' what about you JNChell, a musician not playing music, maybe cooking lunch instead, a cook in those moments. Are you a cook when you are not cooking as well?

[JNChell]

Cromwell , in my estimation, we are the things that we love even if something like Covid-19 might currently inhibit them. Yes, you are still a soccer player. Your make up and psyche has proven that you love soccer enough to play it, let alone watch it. It’s part of who you are. For centuries men have competed against each other. It’s built in to us and should be embraced, IMHO.

Opening up and asking for help is a milestone, and it’s been pretty amazing to do so. Finding people to relate to has been very important for my healing. I’m getting from you that this is also the case. It’s very easy to remain alone in our feelings when we were alone with them for so long. Especially during our formative years.

I have had strength to carry it, manage it my own way but it took its toll

I relate to this, and it eventually broke me to the point of either seeing myself, or going down a road of complete and utter destruction. I’m not over emphasizing that. I got very, very close to ruining my life. Enough so that if the laws were different in the state that I live in, I’d be in prison and a felon. No harm came to anyone but myself, but I went to extreme measures before I realized the complexity of the things within me. Luckily, I survived and found a whole new sense of myself.

I think that our hobbies do help to define us. They say things about us. Not only as a reflection to ourselves, but also a way to tell society who we are. It can be a simple ice breaker at times.

Identity is a very hard thing to grasp when coming out of neglect/abuse. It can take a while to really get a hold of ourselves. Something I’ve realized, is that we’re always here. We just have to take and accept ourselves. We have to realize that we’re not our trauma and bad feelings. You’re Cromwell. You love soccer just like your teammates do. You like to cook just like I do. We are normal people that were raised in abnormal situations, my friend. It takes time to grieve it, understand it and really be able to start putting these realizations to use in a beneficial way. We have one life that we know of.

[Cromwell]

Sure, and I never saw it that way JNChell but it makes a lot of sense, thanks for the insight.

Reading your shared experience and your calm approach is very therapeutic. On the subject of identity,  do you see yourself as a therapist?

[JNChell]

Lol. No, not in the least. I see myself as a guy that has been through very similar things with the members of this community, and it’s been a blessing to have this place to talk about my experiences and journal my progress.

[Cromwell]

You seem amused by the mere suggestion of it? May I ask why.

[JNChell]

Of course. I’m laughing at myself here. I would make a terrible therapist. I’m far too pragmatic to be able to do that kind of work. Learning about communication and tapping into my empathy have helped me tremendously, but I don’t have what it takes to be a therapist. My sis, on the other hand, is a psychologist and quite brilliant. I’m very proud of her. It’s very interesting to me how the two of us have evolved out of our childhoods. We had very different experiences, but suffered equally.

I don’t want you to think that my laughter was directed at you. That isn’t the case. For a moment, I tried to picture myself as a therapist and had to laugh at myself.

[Cromwell]

No offence taken JNChell, I just was curious, I did not think you were just here to tell story and journal.

Theres been times where ive felt very lost in my thoughts here JNChell, you have swooped in and it has been a case of "someone actually gets it, thank god". Maybe just lucky I guess, in the face of what you say about being a terrible therapist, I feel grateful all the same.

Just to maybe lastly mention what you said at the start, a bit of loneliness a bit of feeling not clicking with people.

All I can say is for the person I have spoke to since I have been here, I know enough that say you were being attacked on the street corner, I would not drive past and say to my self "oh thats JNChell, the musician, I know him hes a good guy, hope he ends up ok and can tell a new story"

Theres maybe little I can do in practical terms JNChell (i was brought up pragmatic orientated) talking was always dismissed as secondary to action. But nonetheless, I think you are a good person, and interesting too, I like that you can be open and honest and I feel safe to talk to you, that are you come across down-to-earth and have helped in your own way to tell it as it is but do so with respect. We are from a similar age where that was also at least in my experience, up front and in your face personalities and maybe that is also why I relate better. Culture in society, different generations, mass media and the internet, there is a lot of stuff going on that ive noticed the idea of identity is far more of an issue than at least I recall it being "back in the day".

Forgive me also if I have strayed off track here, I try not to.

[JNChell]

Thank you for the kind words. I think that this is what this place is about, in a sense. Synergy. The full circle idea of things. For lack of better words, going through hell and then finding out that we’re not alone in that feeling. Being alone in that feeling is the loneliest place that I’ve ever been, and it took a big falling down to get to that place. I’ve realized that it was necessary, though. Mother Nature, God, becoming a parent? Something brought me out of the darkness that many people aren’t able to come out of. The people that we discuss here.

talking was always dismissed as secondary to action.

This really has me thinking. “Actions speak louder than words.” The thing is, if I’m hearing you now, you needed to be heard as a child. So did I, but looking at things from a higher altitude, that was never a possibility. The words and actions hurt and there is no way that it could’ve been different unless we had a close and personal relationship with Doctor Who. It is what it is. The healing is interesting, but it sucks because I know what the bottom line is. I’ve made bad choices throughout my life because I was trying to bury my past. I’m ok, but I would be lying if I said that I don’t live with regrets.

I’m very glad to have crossed paths with you. It’s been quite a journey. Pragmatism has its place, but maybe as things unfold, that defense mechanism can start to calm down.

I don’t really think that we can stray off track here. I think that this is a platform that allows us to do that because we have to sometimes. Look at what brought us here. We need wide open spaces to discuss what most folks will never be able to understand. And that’s a good thing. If the world understood, the world would’ve been abused. Hope that makes sense.

Sense of identity is definitely being manipulated.

I’m very glad to have crossed paths with you, friend.

[Cromwell]

Thanks JNChell same to you.

[drained1996]

So JNChell,  have you figured out who you are for yourself?  Or is that journey still unfolding?  Long time since I've posted, but I've done so in some of you threads a time ago.  I'd like to hear your take on where you are. Happy to see you still putting in the work on you journey!

[JNChell]

Hey, drained, it’s a work in progress, but for the most part I have.

[drained1996]

We're all a work in progress and will be forever.  Glad it sounds like you've found the foundation of who you are which is what we all need to learn and move forward in establishing a healthier life path for our present and future.  Good work JNChell

[Harri]

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Thank you.