SETs

[Josie2020]

Hello all-

As I've been reading about communication with a BPD, I've come across SET (sympathy empathy and truth)

I do struggle with a couple of things, if anyone has some insight.

1) Sympathy: Sometimes when I say things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," my uBP mother takes that as an attack. That phrase actually irritates her. I'm trying to find better ways of saying the same thing. For example, I've come up with saying something like, "I'm sorry you feel lied to," or "You must feel lied to. I'm sorry for that."

I am used to just fessing up and saying I did the thing I was accused of just to end what feels like an interrogation, when something comes up that she wants to confront me over.

I also feel the empathy statement is the most powerful for a BP. "I would feel that way too." etc etc

2) Truths. This is what I am having the most trouble with. Unfortunately, even at 27 years old, when I try to lead the conversation, this really does trigger her. She still will say things like, "I'm the mom, you can't tell me what to do!" or after she yells at me, if I yell back, she says things like, "I can talk to you however I want, im the mom, you have the roles reversed!" (So disrespecting your child is okay?) whatever. I feel like saying a truth statement such as, "I think it would be best if we ..." would be counter productive. However, I am not sure the purpose and I am looking for more examples of truth statements and sympathy statements.

Any suggestions are helpful-- Thanks!

[Methuen]

Can you describe a situation where you would like to use SET?  If you can give us some details, we may be able to come forth with a few specific ideas.

[Josie2020]

For example, a false accusation or a misunderstanding. Often times, I am accused of lying over something I did not lie about. (one example- during college I was an athlete and my mom accused me of not giving her my tournament dates. The only thing I really know how to respond was that she was wrong. I think SETs would be useful in a situation like that one) Also, my mom tends to take things the wrong way. (another example is during a trip, my mom had walking blisters that she wouldn't stop complaining over, so I suggested that we go to dinner somewhere closer to the hotel, which I mentioned. She took that as an attack like as if I was trying to throw it in her face that she was the cause of us not going to the right place to eat. (When in reality, I am a pretty easy going person, I just was trying to provide her information.) I think that kind of situation would have called for some good and practiced SETs. My response was only to try to assure her my intentions were pure, and that I was not a malicious person. I would never throw something in her face to hurt her or make her feel bad.

Do those cases help? thanks!

[JNChell]

Sympathy equals “I understand “. Empathy plays into understanding. “I understand how you feel, I’ve been there “.  Truth is setting boundaries after trying to cool their emotions. I’m going to bed now. I’ll talk to you later. I’ll talk to you when you’re not so excited. Once you decide to really enforce your boundaries, you’ll have to be consistent with them.