VL welcome.
You are in the right place.
I don't really have a lot if answers. I do have compassion.
I have read here, learned much, am trying new concepts.
It's been a work in progress...
I don't understand affairs. My significant other would often have emotional affairs, after only our first few years together.
I understand the hurt I felt and the mis trust. After learning more about BPD and seeing he has a lot of issues, I guess it can come with the territory.
We are separated for 2.5 years now, after living together for 10 plus years...
The separation has allowed me to grow and I see ways he has grown.
He does have--or did have--difficulty seeing consequences of his actions.
And he also can be blameless. I guess he has a problem with bigger picture.
What I try to learn is to allow consequences. Being with him has been great, horrible, everything under the sun.
All I have control over is myself, take good care of my well being, take time out for my interests. I need a support group, or person, whom I can confide in who won't judge. Mostly just listen.
It is so easy to get enmeshed w his life, problems, and then I look around and say, how did I get here.?
I am far from perfect and don't do these things very well.
Whatever I do have, progress. Just progress.
Keep sharing. There is so much experience, hope, strength here and you are not alone.