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Author Topic: Marriage Struggles  (Read 361 times)
VeggieLover

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« on: April 05, 2020, 08:42:15 PM »

Greetings! I just signed up and this is my first time posting on this message board. I've known my husband for 10 years, and we've been married for 6. It's a second marriage for both of us - I was married 18 years previously and he was married for 24. We had 8 really wonderful years together, then towards the end of 2018 things started unraveling. My husband had some job issues that led him to look for another job. It was a difficult time, but he ended up with a much better position. Even though we got through those challenges, our relationship seemed to start deteriorating. My husband started having angry outbursts (totally new for him), began medicating with multiple substances, totally disconnected from me then had an affair with a woman at his new workplace. He broke up with her after I found out about it, said he felt he had made a mistake and that he wanted to stay with me. Because of the good years we'd had, I wanted to give things another chance. But, it's been a horrendous bumpy ride, with a lot of anger still being thrown at me. It's been 7 months now since his affair and we haven't made really any progress at all as far as reconciling. The therapist, who I've been seeing for about a year now, commented on Friday that he wonders if my husband might have some borderline traits? I'm so hurt and confused by my husband's continuing anger at me, when he's the one who left and had an affair? I'd like to try and stay, but need help figuring out how best to do that? I still feel so blind-sided by all of it, as we had what seemed to be such a great relationship for so long. I know I need to completely regroup as far as how I interact with him, and the therapist has given me some good suggestions. But, I'd love to hear from folks who've been down this road. Thank you so much!
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

juju2
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1137



« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2020, 10:24:45 PM »

VL welcome. Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

You are in the right place.

I don't really have a lot if answers.  I do have compassion.

I have read here, learned much, am trying new concepts.
It's been a work in progress...
I don't understand affairs.  My significant other would often have emotional affairs, after only our first few years together.
I understand the hurt I felt and the mis trust.  After learning more about BPD and seeing he has a lot of issues, I guess it can come with the territory.
We are separated for 2.5 years now, after living together for 10 plus years...
The separation has allowed me to grow and I see ways he has grown.

He does have--or did have--difficulty seeing consequences of his actions.
And he also can be blameless. I guess he has a problem with bigger picture.

What I try to learn is to allow consequences.  Being with him has been great, horrible, everything under the sun.
All I have control over is myself, take good care of my well being, take time out for my interests. I need a support group, or person, whom I can confide in who won't judge.  Mostly just listen.

 It is so easy to get enmeshed w his life, problems, and then I look around and say, how did I get here.?
I am far from perfect and don't do these things very well.
Whatever I do have, progress.  Just progress.
Keep sharing.  There is so much experience, hope, strength here and you are not alone.

 
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VeggieLover

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2020, 01:05:23 PM »

Thank you so much for your very kind response Amback. This still all just seems so surreal to me, as we had such a long stretch of having a wonderful relationship? It's like the person I thought I knew and married is just gone? So, I guess I'm going through a bit of a grieving process maybe. His affair had gone on for about a month when I found out about it. They met at a park, ironically very close to where I work, multiple times to have sex in his truck. At home I was periodically sleeping in our guest bedroom, due to his anger towards me. So, they also spent many nights having 'fantasy sex' via his phone while he was in bed. When I initially found out about the other woman in September, he said they had texted 'occasionally'. But, when I saw the phone bill online in October for that month, it was close to 3000 text messages back and forth. That added a whole different layer for me as far as trying to move forward. He still is very angry at me most of the time. When our conversations spiral out of control, I've been trying to stay calm and just say something like "I think we're both getting too stressed right now, how about if we continue talking a little later or tomorrow?". But, that seems to cause more frustration at his end? So, if anyone has any suggestions on ways to disengage without inflaming the situation more, that would be so helpful. Thank you so much!
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