Not sure what to think

[Carguy]

So for months now my ex BPD has been very cold towards me. She and her friend have been ignoring me in the grocery store or anywhere else we happen to cross paths acting like I'm not there.

I have reason to believe she is seeing someone else but not 100% sure.  I recently had her remove her vehicles from my property. Other than contact during the time she was removing her vehicles I have been no contact for 5 weeks.

This last weekend she sent a facebook friend request to my 16 year old son. I told him it was his choice because they had a special bond and she said he was like her own kid. His mother overrode me and told him no.

I feel bad but I'm also not sure what to think about this. Part of me wonders if this is a way for her to keep a tie with me since I had her remove her vehicles so we had no reason to contact each other? She used to be friends with a lot my family on facebook until a couple of years ago when we split up once. She deleted a bunch of them but kept one of my aunts on there and one of my cousins along with my ex-wife's parents whom I still kind of have a relationship with.

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[juju2]

Hi Carguy

I think the fb requests are an attempt to see where things stand...
an "indirect direct" approach.
I guess it all depends on you.  Holiday coming up, you could reach out w a cute pic of basket w the kitties, "happy holiday"
it could be really sweet.

So much is taking baby steps.

What do you think.

[Carguy]

Thanks Amback for responding!

That makes sense in a way. Basically seeing if my son will accept a friend request or if I tell him not to cause I'm angry with her?

I would be fine with him accepting it but his mother told him no (she started his Facebook account) so there's not much I can do there. I do feel bad because I know they were close.

I'm not sure about reaching out at this point. Past attempts have netted a negative or no response. Last week on my way back to work I seen her parked across the street from her apartment on the side of the road sitting in her vehicle. That is unusual. The only time I have seen her park there was years ago when they repaved her parking lot. Concerned I pulled over across the street from her and when she finally looked at me I mouthed to her (she didn't roll her window down) asking if she was okay. As she was talking she held up her phone to show me she was on the phone and turned away. Not sure of the answer I beeped and mouth if she was okay again giving her the thumbs up. She gave me a peace sign type wave and I left.

The only time she ever gives me that wave is when we are apart. In a way it is a partial wave she does showing no interest in that person but just hoping they'll keep moving.

 A couple of days later on my birthday I had to run into Walmart and when I was leaving and driving towards the store in order to exit the parking lot there she was directly in front of me sitting on the sidewalk (on her break) in front of the building talking on the phone. She of course looked down and then as I waited for cars to pass right across from her she turned her head to the right looking away and continue talking on the phone. It is quite obvious she does this to ignore me.

My friend recently suggested that I set a goal to not shop in Walmart and take a different route to work so I don't pass her apartment in order to give me some time to heal and for my brain to reset. What do you think?

[juju2]

Ok.

I agree w not shopping at W mart and finding a new route.

I think seeing these things that you mention are hurtful.  It's better to just go a different way

 

[Carguy]

Honestly I would love for things to be different between her and I. I would love for her to reach out a little to me. I'm just not sure if she will or if she's capable. I think at this point she still doesn't want to hear from me given the way she pretends I'm not there when I run into her in public. It really does hurt. Also I'm not sure if she is seeing someone else or not.

I think a goal of a month completely away is good. The only other grocery store here doesn't carry some of the brands I like and costs a little more but I can make it work. I've been staying away a week now.

My question is can I be doing anything else to better things between her and I? Right now all I can see is giving her space.

[juju2]

Yes there is something you can do.

Work on myself.

In another thread I share that my recovery has helped me in everything.

These things I am involved with, recovery, didn't happen overnite, and it's about me.
I can't be in my own recovery hoping it will fix my relationship.

I don't know what or how or where, and you may or may not choose to work on yourself.  It's up to you.

[Carguy]

I have decided to work on myself. I have learned that setting boundaries in the past was a problem for me. I've also known that I have a low self esteem and abandonment issues from my mother. I have been getting back into things I enjoy like working on my cars and dirtbikes/atv's. I have been trying to learn ways to improve my mental and emotional levels as well. It's not easy but I'll have a better life for it l believe.

Honestly I still struggle with rumination about her and hope to hear from her but a big part of me is scared and sure I won't. It saddens me but I'm afraid if I reach out to her it will just anger her causing her to send another cold message or not respond at all like before. She said months ago that me coming around pushed her further away. At this point I don't know that I have any other choice but to stay away.

Others (including my counselor) have said they believe she'll eventually reach out to me but I struggle to see it.