Feeling frustrated and stuck in the loops

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm so frustrated that I still feel so emotionally triggered by my breakup (almost 3 months ago).

I'm trying to do all the things - I've been doing a mix of walking, yoga, meditation, journaling, connecting with friends, talking to a coach, experimenting with EFT (tapping), reading helpful books, visiting this site.

I know all of the stuff with my uBPDexbf has triggered very old wounds from my childhood and made me aware of some very painful and unhelpful beliefs about myself and about love.

I feel like in some ways I have twisted this situation to fit my unhealthy beliefs, if that makes sense.

Where is the line between ruminating and processing? Between getting the feelings out and staying stuck in them? I have spent a lifetime pushing down my feelings and so I don't want to deny them, but I know I also need to challenge my skewed thinking.

I don't really even know what I'm asking. I know this is a process. I just feel like I've been in the process for years (was in therapy and went through a divorce prior to this r/s) and I'm honestly tired of it and tired of myself.

[l8kgrl]

I'm so frustrated that I still feel so emotionally triggered by my breakup (almost 3 months ago).

I'm trying to do all the things - I've been doing a mix of walking, yoga, meditation, journaling, connecting with friends, talking to a coach, experimenting with EFT (tapping), reading helpful books, visiting this site.

I know all of the stuff with my uBPDexbf has triggered very old wounds from my childhood and made me aware of some very painful and unhelpful beliefs about myself and about love.

I feel like in some ways I have twisted this situation to fit my unhealthy beliefs, if that makes sense.

Where is the line between ruminating and processing? Between getting the feelings out and staying stuck in them? I have spent a lifetime pushing down my feelings and so I don't want to deny them, but I know I also need to challenge my skewed thinking.

I don't really even know what I'm asking. I know this is a process. I just feel like I've been in the process for years (was in therapy and went through a divorce prior to this r/s) and I'm honestly tired of it and tired of myself.

[JNChell]

Try to give yourself a break.  3 months isn’t very much space between you and the end of your relationship. You’re making positive steps, and it will start to ease up and gradually become less intense. Some of the best advice I received here when I was still in your shoes is to simply sit with those feelings. Don’t fight them or try to distract yourself from them, just sit with them and let them wash over you. Really feel them for what they are, and feel the intensity of them fade away.

Ruminations have their place in all of this. The goal is that the ruminations will help us get to where we are processing more (acceptance), than constantly rewinding the relationship in our minds. It’s important to go at your own pace. It’s equally important to not get stuck in one place for too long. Always try to move forward.

What are you missing the most right now?

[l8kgrl]

Thank you JNChell.

I don't know why it hurts so bad again right now but it does. I miss the sound of his voice when he would call me on the phone. I loved his voice, he has the best voice and accent. I miss how I felt so secure, like he would never leave me. I miss how he would snuggle up with me at night with his arm all the way around me. I miss how he would grab my hand when we were crossing the street, to make sure I got across safely. I miss how when I'd wake up in the morning and walk out into the living room, he'd smile really big and say "hey" like he was so happy to see me. I miss how we'd laugh together, how we had such a similar sense of humor. I miss how I felt like it was us against the world - he had so many struggles and I felt like I was really helping him and being a good friend to him and like I could help him feel less alone with what he was going through. I miss his younger daughter who I was very attached to, and I worry about her a lot - I worry about both his kids a lot. I miss going on long walks through the woods with him, and going out for a beer afterwards at some dive bar he'd discover.

There are of course lots of things I don't miss, reasons why I broke it off. I've tried to go back on the dating sites, have chatted with a few guys, but realized my heart just isn't in it. It's too soon for me. It just makes me feel hopeless, like I'll never meet someone who I care about as much.

He was incredibly special to me, and there were many things about him that I thought I wouldn't ever find. I didn't think I could ever be with someone like him. People tell me I am very attractive, fun, etc, but I guess I have just never had that sense of worth when it comes to relationships.  

I've realized very recently that I have a strong unconscious belief that there just isn't and won't ever be love for me. Everyone I've been with is emotionally unavailable in some way. I want to let go of this belief and feel hopeful but I don't know how, it's been there for so long.

So I think a lot of my sadness is just letting go of the hope that he would be that for me. I realize now that he wasn't capable, but a part of me believes irrationally that maybe he will be able to do all that for the woman he's dating now, who he moved on to right away, and that kind of kills me.

I really opened up to him emotionally in a way that I haven't with anyone before, even my ex-husband. That wasn't because of him, that was because of a lot of work I've done on myself to allow myself to feel more and to express more. But I clearly chose the wrong person - it's like I broke my heart wide open for this person who could never reciprocate. I feel like an idiot.

This all feels super vulnerable to write, thank you for listening.

[JNChell]

This is a very good place to make yourself vulnerable. Well done.

You know, what you’re going through hurts, but all is not lost in that hurt. You’ve described some very wonderful experiences from the relationship. Much of your time was well spent with him. I understand how it feels to have let the kids go. S5’s mom has a daughter from a previous relationship that I was very attached to. I felt a sense of family within that dynamic, but it wasn’t built to last. I think that I struggled with that more than anything at the final end of the relationship. Sometimes, getting over these relationships can be a roller coaster of emotions just like the relationship was a roller coaster. It will start to ease.

With how things are for you right now, I agree, it’s a good idea to avoid the dating sites. Maybe dating all together for a while, but you know you best. Sounds like your gut is telling you something though?

It just makes me feel hopeless, like I'll never meet someone who I care about as much.

It’s only been 3 months. I know that it may not feel this way, but grieving is a good thing to do when it’s necessary to do for yourself. Think about it. You can’t turn your emotions off at the flip of a switch. That’s healthy. The important thing is to not get stuck. It’s still fresh and the ruminations are hard. Give it some time, and you’ll start to realize that the community around you is full of different people, and maybe you’ll eventually find yourself feeling like you’re open to attraction again. Don’t push it, take care of you first. If you get involved in a romantic relationship before you’ve given yourself the space that you deserve for yourself, you’ll end up burying negative emotions that will eventually surface again.

I just gotta say that I noticed that you said that you want someone to care for. Is it ok to ask, what about you being cared for?

I guess I have just never had that sense of worth when it comes to relationships. 

I've realized very recently that I have a strong unconscious belief that there just isn't and won't ever be love for me. Everyone I've been with is emotionally unavailable in some way. I want to let go of this belief and feel hopeful but I don't know how, it's been there for so long.

  I understand what you’re saying. It sounds pretty familiar.
It sounds like you’re shouldering all the blame for the end of the relationship.

it's been there for so long.

How long?

I8kgrl, you did everything that you could do. The bottom line is that he couldn’t, but I think you know that.

[Mutt]

Hi l8kgrl,

I don't know why it hurts so bad again right now but it does. I miss the sound of his voice when he would call me on the phone. I loved his voice, he has the best voice and accent. I miss how I felt so secure, like he would never leave me. I miss how he would snuggle up with me at night with his arm all the way around me. I miss how he would grab my hand when we were crossing the street, to make sure I got across safely. I miss how when I'd wake up in the morning and walk out into the living room, he'd smile really big and say "hey" like he was so happy to see me. I miss how we'd laugh together, how we had such a similar sense of humor. I miss how I felt like it was us against the world - he had so many struggles and I felt like I was really helping him and being a good friend to him and like I could help him feel less alone with what he was going through. I miss his younger daughter who I was very attached to, and I worry about her a lot - I worry about both his kids a lot. I miss going on long walks through the woods with him, and going out for a beer afterwards at some dive bar he'd discover.

When you find yourself ruminating about him, as previously stated you can invite those feelings in, and try thinking of something that you find is calming for you maybe it’s a setting or an action scene from a movie, for example I start thinking about the beach on the island in the movie Cast Away and I think about the waves on the ocean.

You already know the reasons why there/s didn’t work but when you’re thinking about all of the good things about him write down on a piece paper all of the bad things too, so write down all of the good and then write down the bad and go over it and where was the space for the r/s in both the good and the bad characteristics?

I've realized very recently that I have a strong unconscious belief that there just isn't and won't ever be love for me. Everyone I've been with is emotionally unavailable in some way. I want to let go of this belief and feel hopeful but I don't know how, it's been there for so long.

If you can think about a period where you weren’t through grieving a r/s, how would you see yourself and where you are at that time with r/s’s. Would your feel what you’re feel like today? You need more time behind you and once that you reach that period where you’re not thinking about him every day you’ll start feeling like the possibility is there and is real that you’ll feel love again.

I really opened up to him emotionally in a way that I haven't with anyone before, even my ex-husband. That wasn't because of him, that was because of a lot of work I've done on myself to allow myself to feel more and to express more. But I clearly chose the wrong person - it's like I broke my heart wide open for this person who could never reciprocate. I feel like an idiot.

We’re not trained professionals and can’t diagnose someone with a PD. Cut yourself some slack. As you probably already know BPD is an invisible disorder. A pwBPD are emotionally stunted at the young age of a child and share a lot of intimate details very quickly, its easy to get absorbed in that especially at the onset of a r/s when everything is new, you feel like the other person is boosting your mood and you can’t stop thinking about them and can’t wait to be with them - everything is new and exciting, what a wonderful feeling! It’s easy during this phase to miss these details because our attention is not focused on these details.

A pwBPD can not sustain healthy adult intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder and it causes the acting out behaviors. I’m glad to hear that you did the work to be able to share those feelings and I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with him but you will find someone for you that you can share those details with that doesn’t trigger BPD behaviors.

[l8kgrl]

Thanks Mutt. I appreciate the kind words and support so much.

I like your suggestion of picturing a calming place when these thoughts come up. And writing down both the good and bad from the r/s. Both helpful practices.

I know that my feelings are heightened right now, but I also know that some of these underlying beliefs about r/s have been there way before this ex-bf. I can feel confident and happy at times, and when I'm in the right headspace can have fun with dating, etc. I've made a lot of progress on that and am more secure than I used to be. This experience helped me realize though how much I am still looking outward for validation - how much is still there under the surface to deal with.

I want to let go of that old stuff. But sometimes in the moment so many icky feelings come to the surface. Last night I was feeling that full force and just needed to get it out.

[Mutt]

I think that you’re already ahead of the game if you can identify that you’re feeling especially more vulnerable and at the same time it’s an issue that you identify in your personal experience from your past.

We have a lot of members from different walks of life, personal experiences, backgrounds etc. I’ll give you a couple of general examples.

Some people were going through a difficult life experience when they met their pwBPD they could have been suffering from the loss and pain from divorce and don’t especially have any or a lot of emotional baggage or issues with their FOO ( family of origin ).

You said how a pwBPD makes you feel special because some people may be lack that self validation and are consciously or problem lean more towards subconsciously seeking that external validation because they’re not giving it to themselves.

BPD is a lot of things one thing is polar extremes. You are either way up in a pedestal or knocked off that pedestal and you’re way down from it and the hard part is that there’s no in between - they view you as black and white with no gray area.

So that validation that’s external that comes from the in the beginning of the r/s is intoxicating. I’ll use the member Livednlearned’s words for the next part here: it’s like you’re walking in a desert for a long time and you’re thirsty for a drink of water and you finally get a water bottle and you’re soaking up the droplets of water because you’re so thirsty. Sometimes you go through life without that validation or you get intermittent bursts of it and you’re thirsty fir that validation. That pull from the idealization from a pwBPD is power and then on the other side of that you get devaluation which is damaging to the extreme the other way and then you find yourself on an emotional roller coaster and you’re going up and down and it’s crazy making behavior.

I’m going off topic here but typically other members may have FOO issues and had complicated childhoods. I fall in that category and I completely understand what you mean when you say external validation. I remover the idealization in the beginning very clearly because it was intense, you have in the honeymoon phase regardless of the person is a non or has a PD but with a pwBPD it is intense - push pull behaviors.

I’m not saying this as a general term because I don’t want to generalize. Your experience, JNChell’s experience and mine are all different and unique. I’m just speaking from my personal experience when I say this. I went inside and looked around in my past, I went really far back and I had a family member my adoptive mom that was sick from cancer for a year and half and she passed away in 1983. After she past away the behaviors from my adoptive dad were more noticeable because te was there more - he never was a hands on dad and he’s not the type that you can connect with emotionally at all. I went back further into his past to get a sense of where he came from and he was the second child of many children in a large catholic family, there were twelve kids ( huge family ) and his dad and his birthed for whom I was named after passed away in an airplane accident because my grandfather was a pilot not as profession but he owned a small plane or at least I think that he owned it. My dad just turned 70 and he doesn’t know how to talk people, doesn’t know to repair a r/s and doesn’t know how to manage his feelings because he puts them on others.  

My dad was a teenager when this happened so he had two people that were close to him and then later in his late twenties and early thirties is wife passes away so there’s a theme there but he didn’t process the grief in either situation and wasn’t the best role model for me as a kid - wasn’t the best template when it came to emotional intelligence for example. So there’s that and I don’t know about your past, maybe you have worked on FOO issues with a T or maybe not.

What I can share with you and as you probably already know that happiness can’t be found in someone else or in a r/s’s, happiness has to be found in you. I don’t want to take away from your conversation here by talking about my stuff - I’m laying it out there maybe there’s something that connects with or maybe not or it might connect with another member   I’m just laying it out there because that’s what we do here.

[l8kgrl]

JNChell, somehow I missed your reply before - thanks as always for your kindness.

I just gotta say that I noticed that you said that you want someone to care for. Is it ok to ask, what about you being cared for?

That made me emotional. Yes, I would like to be cared for too.

It sounds like you’re shouldering all the blame for the end of the relationship. I8kgrl, you did everything that you could do. The bottom line is that he couldn’t, but I think you know that.

Yes, I do this - I feel guilt and question myself instead of getting angry at others.
This, along with the beliefs about love, have been there as long as I can remember. It helps to have someone else remind me that I can't blame myself for everything. I know it at a certain level but am working on believing it deep down.

Mutt, I appreciate you sharing your story. You're right, our pasts are all different, and yet one way or another we're all looking for the basics - to feel seen, to feel like we belong and are loved for who we are. I think there were very few people a generation or two ago who were raised in emotionally healthy, supportive environments (well there still aren't very many, probably), so it's not too surprising that many of us have FOO stuff to contend with.

It’s taken me a long time to really get how my FOO impacted me.

Much of my childhood was spent trying to cater to my mom's moods and feelings. She is not BPD but is emotionally immature, depressed and anxious; our whole family was beholden to her moods. She would get upset about who knows what and go off to another room for hours, crying, without ever saying what was wrong, then would come out later like nothing was wrong. I always felt like I had done something to upset her; I think she liked for us to feel somehow responsible. Just her sighing was a sign that she was displeased about something and that we should somehow try make her feel better. Lots of subtle, effed up emotional cues. She was very waif-y and "poor me." I can remember as a young kid cleaning the whole house just to surprise her and try to make her happy. I was always pretty independent by nature, which she took personally, and I think she kind of decided that I just didn't need her. I was also an easy, obedient, conscientious kid which unfortunately worked against me bc it made me easy to ignore. I have no memory of ever snuggling with my mom or going to her for comfort if I was upset.

My dad was actually fairly sensitive, not the stereotypical dad of that era, but he was also very checked out a lot of the time. You could have a whole conversation with him and then he'd ask you some question that showed he hadn't been listening to a word. Or he'd just be off doing his own thing - he escaped a lot. My sister was his favorite and he paid a lot of attention to her. Her stories were always more interesting, her accomplishments were exciting, etc - I didn't feel that I could ever compete, and I've carried that with me. I believe that’s why I struggled for so long to feel attractive (my family placed a big emphasis on looks) and why I am so triggered by any situation where I feel like I have to compete for attention, including in my r/s with my uBPD ex, where I always felt like he was more focused on his crazy ex than on me, and even with his older daughter, who he is very enmeshed with.

My parents were workaholics who used being busy as an escape from any real engagement. They were also pretty strict – it wasn’t ok to disobey or get angry or express any “negative” emotions. Between that and taking care of my mom’s feelings, I learned to just be easygoing, never make waves, never demand anything, and to be super-sensitized to others’ feelings. When I was about 10, my sister became very sick, which took up most of my parents’ focus for years. I just kind of withdrew and did my own thing, usually with my nose in a book or just daydreaming.

uBPD ex somehow triggered all this stuff for me – he was so moody, emotionally volatile and needy (victim-mentality) like my mom, and was also frequently withdrawn/dissociative like my dad. He was also really good looking and charismatic – the kind of guy I had always felt was out of my league. So when he was affectionate and loving, it felt like I was finally getting this love and validation I had been craving since like forever. When he would blow up or ignore me or just take and take, I made excuses for him and focused on his feelings and felt like if I just tried harder or communicated better, things would be ok.

So, yeah, I’m now really working on giving up the idea that everything is on me, that it is my job to take care of everyone, that if things fall apart it’s my fault.

[Bythelake]

Hi l8kgrl,

I can really relate to your post about all the things you miss with your ex. I broke up with my boyfriend this past week and the flood of all the good memories and all the things I miss about him are so strong in my head.

He has never been diagnosed with BPD but had so many of the traits. I asked him about couples therapy and he didn’t want to do it. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He thinks we can fix this ourselves but I dont think we can.

I am hurting a lot right now thinking about the good times.

I don’t have advice for you other than you are not alone and I am in therapy right now and it is helpful talking to someone who is a professional and not biased in our relationship.

You said in the post that you were very vulnerable. I could relate to that so much right now. Thank you for sharing.

[Mutt]

So, yeah, I’m now really working on giving up the idea that everything is on me, that it is my job to take care of everyone, that if things fall apart it’s my fault.

That’s great to hear   Sometimes we pick up skills in our childhoods that doesn’t translate very well in r/s’s when we’re adults. You’re responsible for your own feelings, you’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings.

I didn’t get validation from my dad, I tried to get his attention and he’s a black and white thinker and almost always saw just the negative side of me, perceived in his mind by his standards, it as so rigid. It was so frustrating. When I was going through my divorce with my uBPDex I decided to let go of those negative feelings that I felt because I was trying to get his attention, he did validaarr me a little back and blew my mind.

That validation has to come from us, from ourselves, these boards help validate those qualities that you have the good qualities that maybe weren’t pointed to us from our caregivers,  family or support people growing up.

Support in your life goes a long way too, finding people that you can open with up and share how you feel will make you feel better and increase that happiness level because your sharing your burdens with others it doesn’t mean that it fixes things but maybe the emotional distress that peaks because you’re going through it alone or maybe you’re not 100% sure how to deal with it, that support makes you feel secourir and it helps put things into a real perspective.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 18k, I would echo JNChell that three months is a relatively short period of time after a difficult b/u, so cut yourself some slack.  Yes to sitting with your feelings.  I find it useful to process my feelings as I notice them arise.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: write in a journal, speak to a close friend or family member, meet with a T, take a walk outdoors, get a good physical workout, do something musical or artistic, etc.  You get the idea!

I agree with Mutt that it's useful to explore why you got into a BPD r/s in the first place, which it sounds like you are already doing.  Most people would probably run away at the first signs of BPD, but not us Nons.  Instead, we hang in there, presumably because the dynamic is familiar, even though unhealthy.  One could say that there's something we need to figure out about ourselves through the BPD r/s.  Does that make sense?  For this reason, going through the BPD crucible leads to greater happiness, in my view, which is what it's all about, right?

LuckyJim

[teawoman5]

Three months after this kind of break up is difficult in my experience. You're moving on in the healing process but the place you left is still visible (in detail) in the rear view mirror.

Maybe allow yourself to feel whatever you feel now without worrying much about whether it's processing or rumination. (Both would be pretty normal at this point.) I'm also taking steps forward but missing my ex at the same time. Progress is never a straight line.

I also think that a relationship with a pwBPD is just a really tough experience for anyone to go through. Any work you have done on yourself in previous years of therapy would probably be evident in a more normal a relationship. But the turmoil that a pwBPD creates overshadows everything. Getting some distance from this might show you that you're not in an endless process, it was just an impossible situation for anyone to deal with.

[once removed]

I'm so frustrated that I still feel so emotionally triggered by my breakup (almost 3 months ago).

question:

is the hurt overwhelming (and youre reasonably tired of it), or is this a case of you telling yourself you should be further along? both?

[l8kgrl]

Lots of helpful comments, guys, thanks!

Bythelake - Your breakup is very fresh. I'm sorry you're hurting.   My ex was the same - he had quit therapy several months earlier and refused to go back. He also thought we could work on things ourselves and was very much in denial about his anger issues. It can be hard to stand your ground, especially when the other person is trying to convince you of an alternate reality. I hope you are finding some peace amidst your sadness.

Mutt, good for you for letting go of old patterns and feelings. That's very hard to do, so it's a credit to you for doing the work. And I agree 100% that we have to learn to give the validation to ourselves. It's always encouraging to hear from others that it's possible...helps you want to keep going down that path!

And yes, other forms of support are also invaluable. In the past few years I have really invested in my friendships, and even made some new, very close friends who I can talk to about pretty much everything. That has been everything to me.

I guess it's a sign of how messed up certain parts of my r/s with uBPD ex-bf were that I didn't divulge everything that was going on, even to my closest 2 friends. I was too ashamed, and knew they would (rightly) be concerned and would urge me to leave. The fact that I didn't want to tell them everything should have been my biggest red flag.

LuckyJim and teawoman, thanks for reminding me that 3 months isn't that long. And that these r/s are both extra tough to disentangle from emotionally as well as an indicator that it's time to reassess my own issues, which I definitely am.  

OnceRemoved - is it that the hurt is overwhelming or I feel like I should be farther along? I think a little of both. I'll have a few days where I'm feeling better and then I'm right back to that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when something reminds me of him. I'm better than I was a month ago, but I feel like the ups and downs in this "recovery" have been more dramatic than a regular breakup, just like the r/s itself was more dramatic, I guess.

I think what bothers me as much as the pain and sadness, maybe more, is the feeling of being so disoriented and anxious. It's like looking at a Rorschach test that you could interpret a thousand different ways. That's kind of how I feel. Like depending on how my mood, what memory is triggered, what I just read, etc, I see him and the r/s totally differently. It's hard to settle on a narrative that is coherent and that feels right emotionally, and it's constantly shifting, and that in itself is exhausting and confusing.

I'm getting there, I have more insight than I did 2 months ago for sure, but that's interspersed with moments (days?) where I slip right back into the feelings I had when I was in love with him.

I guess that's normal to some extent with any r/s but much more so with a BPD r/s. I'm not someone who can just write him off as a horrible person, and I also can't hold onto this idea of who he portrayed himself to be that turned out not to be true. I'm trying to get to a perspective that feels true and that lets me forgive myself and find some peace, and at the same time trying to let go of the hopes that were there for something very different.

[Lucky Jim]

I guess it's a sign of how messed up certain parts of my r/s with uBPD ex-bf were that I didn't divulge everything that was going on, even to my closest 2 friends. I was too ashamed, and knew they would (rightly) be concerned and would urge me to leave. The fact that I didn't want to tell them everything should have been my biggest red flag.

Right, 18k, that's a big red flag.     I should know, because I did the same things.  Like you, I was too ashamed to share what was really going on.  It was also embarrassing for me as a man to reveal that I was getting abused by a woman, my wife!   I was in denial, and could not admit to myself that my marriage had broken down.

I still cringe thinking about that period of time.  You, on the other hand, are out of an unhealthy situation.  I suggest you practice gratitude for having moved on!

LJ

[JNChell]

You’re describing “Bargaining”, which is one of the 5 stages of grief. There is nothing wrong with that. The thing that bothers me most about bargaining, is how we tend to blame ourselves while feeling this. It’s a natural stage in the grieving process, but not always an objective one. It’s pretty emotional. It’s often full of self blame. Subjective, not objective.

You’re comparing studies and research to your relationship. Be careful with that. Do what you have to do to figure this situation out, but don’t keep those tools in your purse forever. You might over analyze a very nice man one day.

See, you’re young. Clear and come to terms with your haunts now. Explore everything that needs to be explored and processed. PSI is at your fingertips.

My best days are gone. I’ll be 44 in a few months. I have a 5 year old son. I love that boy with everything that I have. He’s the rest of my life. You have youth.

You’re a smart person. Explore your childhood and find the reasons why.

[l8kgrl]

LJ, good perspective - you’re right, when I have my head on straight I am grateful that I somehow left when I did. We all have things in our past that make us cringe, but good for you for taking care of yourself. We’re not ready til we’re ready, right?

JNChell, if your best days are behind you then I’m sunk - I’m a bit older than you ;) But there can still be good things ahead for both of us, don’t you think? 40s isn’t that old, it just feels like it some days.

I guess you’re right that I’m bargaining. I think it was on these boards I read that it’s very common to project feelings of guilt and turn in into righteous anger. I do the opposite, I take what should be anger and turn it in to guilt. That’s my go-to emotion

[JNChell]

Sounds like maybe you were conditioned to do that. In my own experience, expressing anger meant bad consequences. Instead, I was taught that if someone lost their #*+^, it was my fault and I should feel guilty about it. Sound close?

[once removed]

I guess that's normal to some extent with any r/s but much more so with a BPD r/s. I'm not someone who can just write him off as a horrible person, and I also can't hold onto this idea of who he portrayed himself to be that turned out not to be true. I'm trying to get to a perspective that feels true and that lets me forgive myself and find some peace, and at the same time trying to let go of the hopes that were there for something very different.

as frustrating as it can be, i think you are going in the right direction. i think you have been.

i think too often, grief is something we shame ourselves for, put pressure on ourselves over. dont get me wrong; there is unhealthy grieving, there are points at which we become "stuck" in grief. but in general, how do we truly "get over" a relationship? we grieve it.

ive seen thousands of members on this board go through this process. as one of them, i would tend to put myself in the category of one of the worst off, at three months. nothing in my recovery helped me more than to let go of the pressure i was putting on myself to "be over it", or judge myself, or shame myself. there is no shame in grieving the loss of a loved one.

that isnt to say it isnt exhausting, overwhelming, or that we dont want it to end.

It's hard to settle on a narrative that is coherent and that feels right emotionally, and it's constantly shifting, and that in itself is exhausting and confusing.

i know what you mean. my narrative looked completely different at one month, three months, even two years, even five years. this isnt a bad thing. when you were in high school, you had a narrative of who you were in middle school. when you were in college, it had evolved further.

I'm getting there, I have more insight than I did 2 months ago for sure

a lot of my healing took place in hindsight. i wouldnt realize it at the time, but id look back, see how far id come. trust in the process. there is not a quick way through it, but it all really, truly, serves a purpose that tends to reveal itself over time.

[l8kgrl]

JNChell - yes, I was very much conditioned this way, too. Other people's emotions and reactions were something I should feel responsible for. Doesn't lead anywhere good.

OR - thank you for this reminder. I think because we were "only" together a year and he's already moved on to someone else (which I know should be irrelevant, bc he's not exactly the prime example of emotional health), I keep feeling like I should be farther along. But yeah, you're right that that thinking will only prolong the suffering.

nothing in my recovery helped me more than to let go of the pressure i was putting on myself to "be over it", or judge myself, or shame myself. there is no shame in grieving the loss of a loved one.

I love this. Self-compassion. Why do we tend to be hardest on ourselves when we should be kindest?

Oh, and I also agree with your comments about perspective over time. We can't possibly see the big picture til we're a little more removed. I know that was true of my divorce...I needed distance before I really understood my marriage better. 5 years out and my perspective continues to evolve on that one...

[JNChell]

Not sure how much looking around that you’ve done here, but the PSI(parent, sibling, in-law) board might benefit from occasional input from you. Most of the members there are trying to figure out how to navigate relationships with toxic relatives. Some are trying to put things to rest as their toxic relatives have passed on without closure. I started out here on Detaching. I was in very bad shape when I showed up here. It was really something to learn about how our childhoods shape us and set us up for adult relationships. I’d just like to encourage you to take a look. Maybe even post.