Sexually traumatized?

[sebian77]

Hey guys. I wanted to share something that had been mulling in my head and I felt it would be better to voice that the disturbing emotions don’t constantly repeat in my head. I feel a little embarrassed to say it but sometimes it’s important to voice your vulnerabilities. Anyway my ex bpd like many BPDs was amazing to me in bed. She rocked my world and it was insanely satisfying on an emotional level. At the same time as embarrassing as it is I felt slightly traumatized by it. I’m not sure if it’s from my childhood but I was not always this sensitive to sexual matters. However I did not really feel disturbed by it until she told me sexual facts about her past that kinda disturbed me. Compared to many other BPDs I read about it was somewhat tame but still enough to make my head spin. Didn’t sound like a very average history. I got the impression from many different ways that she used sex for validation especially when she was in a relationship so that her man would not leave her. She also I believe was just desperately trying to please me from a very sweet intention because when BPDs fall they fall hard kinda thing. When I heard her talk about her looks and dress and saying sorry that’s not sexy (in reference to normal things that she’s not required to make sexy) I realized how insecure she was and needing to be sexy to feel good about herself. It triggered a deep anxiety in me. I’m not sure if unconsciously it was a fear of infedelity or something although at one point I wondered but I no longer do. But basically the relationship was so intense and hot and cold that it triggered a deep anxiety in me at times and that really started making my head spin. Can anyone relate to this?

[Cromwell]

Hi Sebian77, sorry that you are having a hard time recently.

Can you help out to be a bit more clearer here. I was wondering what do you mean by

I got the impression from many different ways that she used sex for validation especially when she was in a relationship so that her man would not leave her. She also I believe was just desperately trying to please me from a very sweet intention because when BPDs fall they fall hard kinda thing.

It sounds like there are two theories marinated into one. It is a little confusing for me as well as the word "fall" it can mean many things "fall in love" for example. I just want to make sure we are on the same page here in order to relate.

[Lucky Jim]

basically the relationship was so intense and hot and cold that it triggered a deep anxiety in me at times and that really started making my head spin.

Hey seb, What kind of anxiety?  Did you feel overwhelmed?  Afraid she would leave?  Scared by the intensity?  Fill us in.

LJ

[sebian77]

Thanks for the reply guys! Cromwell; to answer your question, my first theory is she would make the sex insanely good so that the person shes currently seeing will not leave her. This theory i feel more strongly about. The second theory is that she really wanted to please because relationships with borderlines tend to lose boundaries of you and i. These relationships tend to end up very attached at the hip and they like to become one with you if that makes sense. From that sense i feel she generally wanted to please so we could be more enmeshed so to speak. However; i think the biggest thing was if the sex is amazing, she has more power over me and less incentive for me to leave.

Lucky Jim; to answer your question, the anxiety was due to fear of what could happen if we got in another fight. I feared her level of anger and hostility and felt like if im not careful i could get hurt in some way. I did feel overwhelmed. Most of all i was just afraid that I didn't know how bad things could get if we kept fighting and i was scared to keep on her good side

[Lucky Jim]

It sounds like you were walking on eggshells, which is something most of us have done in a BPD r/s.  Your anxiety is understandable, as it's stressful waiting for the axe to fall!  I likened it to walking through a minefield.

LJ

[sebian77]

Very true LJ! That’s how it felt is walking through a minefield. It has taking me time to calm that down and still am working through getting triggered at times but it is much better. At times while in the relationship I feel like the intensity was exciting because along with it came the very high highs and love bombing but with the lows cane much anxiety. Easier to enjoy it too before u realize what is actually going on in terms of manipulation

[Cromwell]

I hear you Sebian, on being overwhelmed and fighting.

The way I relate to what you describe is a sense of feeling traumatised that has root origin in not being in control. Did it actually get to this for you is what id like to ask? Complete feeling of being out of control, or just more towards being in an environment of feeling somewhere in between control and out of it. Is this what you mean by anxiety inducing, "overwhelming" but not entirely overwhelmed. Fighting but not defeated.

I relate to you taking the power to safeguard yourself, go no contact, give space to figure this out and retain control over a hostile, potentially harmful relationship regardless of positive incitement - ie, the amazingly emotional sex it at least started off that way with.

[sebian77]

Exactly Cromwell! It was a feeling of not being in control. It was a feeling of expecting a possible other emotional attack, or being kicked out to go back to my own house when living with her for a month. She kicked me out twice during that time in a very hostile manner. I started fearing things like this that would feel like the rug was pulled from under me. My head started to get to me and make me on edge. Thank u! Ya its what i need to do. After some time away I realize how easily i am getting triggered just by memories. When I am triggered my mind no longer sees reality so much as intense fear, anger, sadness, jealousy etc. I've realized that being exposed to these behaviors repeatedly has wired some neuropathways for me that go from 0 to 100 real quick. although it feels so real it is a bit of overreaction due to being somewhat traumatized by the whole level of hostility i was exposed to

[Cromwell]

When I am triggered my mind no longer sees reality so much as intense fear, anger, sadness, jealousy etc. I've realized that being exposed to these behaviors repeatedly has wired some neuropathways for me that go from 0 to 100 real quick. although it feels so real it is a bit of overreaction due to being somewhat traumatized by the whole level of hostility i was exposed to

I know, over time this dampened itself down and fizzled away. First month was the most challenging. It took a year for me to feel free from them, a neuroscientist told me this also, it happened to be very much accurate. but even the time in between it became easier from month to month. Today, I can ocassionaly get a memory, but it is just that, it does not distress or hype up the nervous system.

Therapy helped but life changing events and making new relationships helped make what had happened less relevant and less significant. I think from your other posts it is great to hear that you have goals and wishes, things to work towards. If there has been some enmeshment, I can only believe that a bit more time dedicated to you is a good way of mitigating it.

How are you for spending some time of the day resting, or avoiding sources of stimulation. I had a lot of stress lifestyle regardless of my ex, I found that it just made it more likely to go from 0 to 100. Going for walks, laying down for half an hour, I started to make time for it and it lowers the chances, as much as helps to calm down at those moments when I had been triggered. There is lots of help out there, there is medication that is very effective for these moments, I know this now, I wish I had done so at the time when it was the most challenging (first 3 months especially). It was quite difficult to learn how to relax, I think it is moments like this that taking holidays away can help, or even weekends away. Probably quite a bit trickier with covid but Im sure you get the general idea.

How are you for coping with these triggers? I know it is an ultra painful, recent and raw experience. At the same time you come across that in the midst of it youve built up a lot of awareness of what has gone on.

[sebian77]

Thanks for the reply Cromwell! I'm approaching a month of the split. i am currently doing therapy as well. i think ur right that more time to myself should help alot. as far as resting and avoiding stress ive been better with this since the breakup than i have for years. for years i have always felt the need to go go go and stress myself out in the process. i have often does this as a way to avoid my feelings. i really feel like i can actually relax and contemplate lately. spending alot more time just resting and relaxing and as always going out on nice long walks when its sunny out. i definitely plan on a hawaii vacation as soon as things start opening up and it sounds like quarantine is slowing opening around america. as far as the triggers they have been very very hard at times to the point where i need to kinda dissociate or shut the thoughts out cuz its so raw to the touch. today its a little better and i feel like its cuz i kinda detached from her a bit more. there was alot of tension during the relationship that never got solved that i got used to and once we split i felt like all that came more forcefully to the forefront of my mind to be dealt with. the triggers have been hard but seem to be getting much easier. thank u for the kind words!

[once removed]

It triggered a deep anxiety in me.

are you saying that you feel used? that the sex was an intense part of the connection for you but you dont feel the two of you were on the same page?

[Cromwell]

as far as resting and avoiding stress ive been better with this since the breakup than i have for years. for years i have always felt the need to go go go and stress myself out in the process. i have often does this as a way to avoid my feelings. i really feel like i can actually relax and contemplate lately.

That sounds like a good solid place to be, that you have that ability to relax. Something you mentioned in another topic was starting a new relationship. I think it is one of these moments of knowing yourself well enough - it could work out great, it could be a way for moving on, it is something I recommend but with that important proviso - it is about fulfillment not as a distraction. Distraction by a new partner whilst carrying that underlying issue, I tried it whilst dating, it just got in the way and would surface. Going on holiday is more straightforward and like you say, relax and contemplate, but balance it out. The go go go has its positives, ive been on that route, it is a tool like all the others but its something as a short term fix as I see it. I did immerse myself into work - it had plus points from sitting at home depressed all day. but yea, it is keeping the issue pinned down but not really resolving it. Can I ask, how are you for non-romantic relationships? Friends, hobby-group contacts, work colleagues banter, that sort of thing? I find I really branched out and expanded my social network and it has been very valuable at not only distraction - but I find value, fulfillment and a sense of identity each time with these interactions. Also less isolated and a buffer against depression that often goes along with. Its great to hear that you are managing in so many ways, but especially at this time, well done and keep going this way that is working for you.

[sebian77]

Thanks again for the well thought out reply Cromwell! Ya the ability to relax has been so crucial and helpful for me to heal some things that i honestly have not had the time or ability to heal. old traumas have been better dealt with because i can relax and kind of come back to myself so to speak with enough time for contemplation. and ya as far as starting a new relationship i am trying to have much self awareness on it. i feel it could work out great too but u do bring up a good point and to be honest im afraid a part of me will use it as a distraction. im just going to try to stay conscious of it and also not to settle just out of loneliness. it seems i have a date lined up if this lady sticks to her word (always yet to see cuz internet dating is crazy flaky). im keeping in the back of my mind much effort to be discerning and not settle. there r a few things that i know already that i must inquire further to see if shes a good fit. i am not trying to be too picky or close my heart but i have learned from this crazy relationship that jumping in without really exploring a person can be a very dangerous thing. as far as non romantic relationships i am usually pretty satisfied. i have a good group of friends. sometimes some of them r very busy and hard to meet up but i have enough to keep me going and enjoy doing active things with them and many of them are good influences with good heads on their shoulders. i have been reaching out a bit more to try to socialize and get my mind off this stuff. ya i feel like im coming a long way. thank u! i feel im really getting into alot of self work as cliche as that sounds but really exploring the deeper parts of myself through literature on codependence and my therapist and all that and making real change. im not just focused on my childhood though. i think its easy to hyperfocus on that. im more focused on my thought patterns and how i can change these and just being committed to this process

[once removed]

did you go on the date? how did it go?

[sebian77]

i did not go on the date. she actually just stopped communicating with me and honestly im okay with it. im kinda back to trying to focus on myself and put off dating atleast for the time being to be fully ready and in my best state. that could change in a day but for the time being i think the important thing is that i atleast have some discipline to try to see it through a little and i am atleast conscious of this need to develop myself and especially work on these codependent behaviors. that being said life happens and maybe i will have a date soon. i am open to whatever as long as i acknowledge my need to heal. also i almost still feeling like im cheating on my ex by dating right now which is maybe a sign i need atleast a little more time. i dont want to bring baggage to a new girl and thats kinda baggage