First Post - Looking to Just Get Something Out There

[aNewNameThatsAva]

Hello,

I came to this website tonight after finishing Stop Walking on Eggshells. Not really a specific reason for this post, maybe just venting / being heard. - Note: started writing this and quickly realized that there's so much to unpack and it's all coming out disjointed. Sorry for bouncing around so much. Kind of the first time just letting some of this out and I'm jumping from one thing to another. -

I've been with my wife for roughly 9 years, married for 5 years. Things were often difficult, but it was depression and anxiety (diagnosed as that at the time) and more manageable. There was rage, but rarely, just more emotionally down. Over the last year, things have gotten much more difficult and she has started having much more frequent and explosive rage, which often leads to self-harm. Fortunately, she has never directed any violence toward me and I have never felt in danger. However, the explosions, screaming, self harm, constant need for attention and reassurance, we don't talk about fun things anymore, just listening to her rant about her work problems (there have always been work problems). I feel like I have a several full-time jobs (mine, hers because she needs so much help drafting emails and doing many things in her job now, making every meal and cleaning, caring for the dog) and don't have time /less interest in caring for myself. I have sacrificed so much from my own relationships, friends, outings, hobbies. I used to do a lot of rock climbing and compete locally and provincially. Probably between 12 and 18 competitions per year, now I am lucky if I can get 2 in per year. I enjoy video games, but am always hesitant to go play because I felt like I've been conditioned that when I'm playing video games, something bad happens. So often I've had to run upstairs to my screaming wife holding a knife and completely losing it. Why? Who knows. Misplaced her phone and that set off a complete crisis?

I "covered" for her for years. Always cancelling plans with friends and family. Now I'm afraid to commit to anything since I never know if it'll be a bad night and I need to rush home to try and calm my raging suicidal wife (not that there's anything to really do during all this social distancing and closed businesses anyway).

It honestly is like she turns into a toddler in an adult body. Screaming, stomping (I've replaced so many cracked floor tiles in the kitchen now... 3 fresh cracked one from last week). She can be set off by the most seemingly normal things. Today, someone parked in front of our house and that was enough.

The walking on eggshells is very true. I never know what to expect, which person she will be. I bend over backwards to do anything and everything, but it's never enough. I breakdown crying almost everyday now.

We had avoided going to the ER for so long because we've had bad experiences there. You wait for hours to be told by the Dr who comes in for 30s: oh you have a psychiatrist, go home and call them. A few weeks ago things were particularly terrible and we went to the ER. I couldn't go with her because of COVID protocols. Worst fear happened, discharged right away. She ran out of the hospital in a complete state of crisis. How that was allowed to happen, who knows... So frustrating and disappointing. I couldn't find her, she wasn't able to articulate where she was, too panicked and in intense emotional distress. I was running around the campus frantically looking for her, with security helping too. After all that, the security supervisor told us to try a different hospital if we weren't happy with the level of care provided. Needless to say, that made things much worse.

Reading through many posts and stories in the book, I'm thankful that she realizes that she has a problem and wants help. That said, she doesn't trust our doctor, her psychiatrist (neither do I, honestly - garbage care), and had been in therapy for two decades. CBT, which did nothing. Only recently learning about BPD and strongly suspect that now. She abruptly broke off the relationship with her previous therapist. Trying to work toward getting her to see someone else. But she feels hopeless and like all they want us our money.

For the longest time I thought I was ok, despite many friends and family telling me to get help for myself, including my wife telling me. Again, thankful that she recognizes that I need help too. However when she's in a crisis, all that kinda hours out the window. Regardless of what she says, I feel like I can't truly excited how I feel, my wants, or desires. Roughly a year ago I started having very concerning breathing problems, thought it was maybe because I started using cannabis. It was anxiety. Always on edge, not knowing what to expect. Always firing on all cylinders to make sure everything is perfect and trying to mitigate all possible problems to avoid blow ups.

Ok so I wrote a novel almost... that's more than enough for a first post. Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Greenjeep]

You sound like you know what is healthy and what is not.

I hope she can find better medical care. So much is available online, so that should help during covid.

That was a great book.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear aNewName-  (sorry so long-winded in my response)

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you’ve joined us.  I’m also so sorry that you had that awful experience recently at the ER when you were in such deep need.  I’m hoping that bad situation was a one off because of Covid and that normally your W would be given more thoughtful attention.

Despite all of the negatives, crises and painful experiences you and your uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) are going through, the very VERY positive side is that she acknowledges that both she AND you need help.  I’m not certain that CBT ever really helps pwBPD (people with BPD) traits, or a BPD diagnosis.  Generally, DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) is the more favored approach for improvement.  And it’s vital for her to find a therapist and psyche that she can relate to.  Is she on meds?

From your standpoint, part of the “help” you deserve is to gather your support network around you.  This would include supportive and understanding friends and family, a good therapist once you find one (for you) and this forum, which can become invaluable as you broaden your understanding of what may appear to be your W’s primary diagnosis.  Your self-care is deeply important.  Even if you cannot engage in climbing competitions for the time being, are you walking?  Going outside?  Meeting close friends for a coffee?  As you build understanding with your W using validation tools and establishing boundaries , you’ll learn to kindly tell her that an hour with a male friend to talk about sports, politics, whatever... IS part of the “help” you’re getting.

Whether your W is given a BPD diagnosis or not, there are amazing tools here to help diffuse her rages; to assist you in communicating better with her; and really importantly... to help you move into a more calm place of “mindfulness”.  You deserve that.

My friend - you are correct... there IS a LOT to unpack.  And I’m wondering... is there anything that you can pinpoint, something that may seem innocuous to you, but not so “small” to your W, that may have triggered her when this series of crises began a year ago?  Please give this some thought.  PwBPD are often pushed to the brink by stressors in life, something she may not really be able to articulate.  Was there something?  A loss of some kind?  A change of some kind that came about unexpectedly?

At any rate, please stay with us.  Things CAN improve.  Cry when you need to and remember to breathe.  Always remember to breathe. 

And during quiet times, begin to read through sections on this site (sorry that I don’t know how to link).  I’d look through the area on “stop making things worse” - this addresses how to NOT make conflicts worse, to reduce rages.  And then I’d go through the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS section.  And focus first on learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

Nothing changes until something changes.  You’re here, and that’s what matters.  After I found this site, I’d spend time reading here and tell my BPD/NPD bf  that I was working on my therapy.  He left me to it and never was the slightest bit curious.  Came to figure out (the hard way) that was because he was more cruelly narcissistic than BPD.  Ah well... he’s gone now.

This is a safe space for you... no post is too long, and actually the more you say, the better able members will be to assist you.

ANewName - You are much stronger than you think.  And your W is more capable than she remembers.  I believe your relationship CAN improve.  I do believe you will feel better, and so will your dear wife.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[aNewNameThatsAva]

Thanks for the replies and for reading.

I will give some thought to what was said and definitively check out those recommended resources.

[GoblinMom]

To aNewName:

You started using cannabis a year ago and she got worse over the past year.  Does she use cannabis too? or inhale some if you smoke it close to her?  Because cannabis can make the symptoms of BPD worse.  Since the initial effect is relaxing people don't realize that long term use, especially daily use causes the anxiety to get worse.

"long-term cannabis use induces an increase in borderline symptomatology. Results of the regression analyses suggest that the borderline symptomatology is highly linked to frequency of use and cannabis dependence. This may be due to the increase in borderline symptomatology induced by both acute and chronic effects of cannabis."
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15107716/

Cannabis lowers dopamine (dopamine is anti anxiety) and borderlines have dopamine dysregulation to begin with.  My daughter got much worse after she started using it daily. Talk to your doctor so he can help you.

I am sending good thoughts your way.  Stay positive.

[aNewNameThatsAva]

Thanks for the concern and reply, she doesn't touch it at all and I've been using WAY less. Like once a month and only on "good" days. Too paranoid and afraid that something will happen when I'm not fully there.

I've been giving it some thought and I think a possible big trigger was her boss in her former job (2 jobs ago), with whom she was close, pretty much abandoning her. This all happened maybe about two years ago. She had told my wife that she was job searching but that she would bring my wife along with her. Boss gets a new job, the last few weeks were really weird and she basically ignored my wife and left without really saying goodbye. Former boss brought a few people to the new org but my wife never heard a peep. That left a big deal scar and lead to months of deep depression. I hadn't really put two and two together on that yet... Abandonment is a big deal with bpd. It wasn't really rage at that point though and not much self-harm, if any. Suicidal ideation yes. The very frequent rage is more during the last 4 months or so. Which often lead to self-harm and intense suicidal ideation. But that event is surely playing a big role, especially in her current work relationships.

I haven't had some quiet time to read those recommended resources yet, but I will as soon as I can. Again, I really appreciate being pointed in toward anything that can help understand / know how to react and not make things worse.

I am still getting some decently regular exercise and have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months now. Used to be about every month or so, but bumped that up to almost weekly lately. I know my big thing is finding time for self care, but it often seems impossible and almost more stressful /guilt inducing. That and setting limits and adhering to them. Not sure what those limits would be yet. Probably around the yelling, smashing, and self-harm. Gotta figure all that out. Again, thanks everyone, it helps not feeling alone in living through this and having another outlet and benefit from others' experience / wisdom.