Seeing things from a higher altitude

[JNChell]

This is something that I think I’ve learned to do here. I’m able to see things for what they are and accept them. The thing is, I’m finding myself feeling very bad everyday. My feelings aren’t keeping up with my learning, if that makes sense. To be honest, it feels like the 2 are pushing at each other. To be completely up front, I’m a total mess. I cry everyday and just sit on the couch. I have zero motivation. I feel completely worthless. Yes, I know that it’s depression. Like I said, I can see it. I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t a part of me that is waiting for my mom to come to my aid. A void that was never filled by the parent. A void in the development of the child. Young ones are so vulnerable and need to feel safe. They need to be told that they’re doing a good job and that their parents are proud of them. I never got that. If I did hear something like that, I didn’t believe it. I viewed it as my parents feeling guilty after an atrocity.

Anyway, I’m able to see these things for what they were. However, the feelings have become and remain very acute. In all honesty, I’m having a hell of time managing them. I’m in a very dark place daily. I’m sad while I’m awake. I feel like a hypocrite when I try to comfort members here. This journey is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. I feel like I’m running out of gas. I know I am. I’ve exhausted all levels of comfort. Even music. I have no desire to play my guitar. It’s all I can do to simply feed myself anymore. I know how pathetic this sounds. I suppose that I just needed to spill it somewhere. I just feel so down.

[Methuen]

I haven't experienced what you are going through JNChell.

But my understanding (rightly or wrongly) is that sometimes things get worse before they get better.  

Personally, sometimes I overthink things.  It's worse when I'm feeling bad.  You mention you have zero motivation and are spending a lot of time on the couch. Does this mean you are doing a lot of thinking?  Could you be overthinking things right now?  I have an app that sometimes talks about doing too much thinking (picture the brain as separate from the body during this "overthinking"). I think the idea is to bring the brain and the body together (so the brain isn't out in space)- but I'm still trying to figure out the whole mindfulness thing.  It just sounds like all that thinking could maybe be contributing to a bit of a downward spiral? 

I feel like a hypocrite when I try to comfort members here.

You are not.  I am sure I am not alone here in believing that you are coming from a place of genuinely wanting to help and support others in the community.  I believe that because I think many/most people on this board come from a place of caring and wanting to help.  We know what it feels like to hurt, and so we get a little bit of a warm feeling inside from being able to support others, in ways that we have not been supported by people around us who do not understand BPD.   I believe that when you post JNChell, that you are genuine.  I hope you believe that there are people here who do NOT see you as a hypocrite, even if you are feeling like that right now.  Those feelings JNChell, don't make it true.  I have no doubt you are genuine.

This journey is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done.

Yes

I feel like I’m running out of gas.

I think it's ok to feel that, and say it, but you're also asking for help right?  You've spoken to your sister.  You've opened up about it here.  So I believe there's still enough gas in your tank.  We want you to have the gas you need JNChell.  We believe in you.

What do you think about contacting your Dr's office tomorrow, and disclosing these feelings you are describing to your Dr.?  I'm not sure where you live, but I have to believe that somehow there are options for people without insurance.  Have you disclosed to Doc that you are ready for a treatment program?  That usually gets their attention when a client/patient comes out and STATES that.  Again, I don't know where you live, but I have to hope that if you tell your doc this, doc can help.  After all, that's their job.  Do you have confidence in your Dr?  Does your Dr really understand you, and your situation?

We're here to listen.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey JNChell:
I read an article on "Self-Parenting - What's Your Style?".  You might find the article helpful and it might prompt some thought.

One of the most important aspects of self-parenting is how we speak to ourselves, sometimes referred to as self-talk. This is so important because most of us engage in constant internal conversations. Self-talk dramatically affects how we feel about ourselves and thus plays a significant role in our day-to-day experiences as well as in the choices we make in life.

Link to the Complete Article:
www.andreawachter.com/self-parenting-whats-your-style/

[JNChell]

Self talk. The Inner Critic. An old friend, unfortunately. I’ve never been good at implementing affirmations and things like that. I get the importance of them and they can apply to anyone. They’re not solely meant for abuse survivors.

My dad had a way of cutting me down. It came across as him being playful. Comical. To be honest, he could be very witty, but when you really line things up and put the puzzle pieces together, it was all from the same pot. He wasn’t really trying to make me feel good. He was taking my feet out from under me.

I understand that I have this “poor me” thing going on right now. But, that’s pretty much how I feel. To be honest, I just want to make it to my sister and hopefully place myself into the hands of help. The place that we’re aiming for has been, or does still have professionals working there that are involved with the DSM. I really, really hope that this works out and that I can finally start my way down from these acute feelings and what they do to me. To be able to tell my Inner Critic to take a hike, or not even listen to or respond to it. It will always be with me and I accept that. It’s part of who I am. My makeup. No, it’s not fair. No, it’s not my fault. Yes, I have to be responsible for myself and get a healthy grasp on it. That part makes me angry. I was set up to have to pursue these measures. I was set up to end up in very unhealthy relationships. I don’t think that my parents purposely did this with some kind of playbook or anything. They behaved in ways that were familiar to them. It was “normal”. I just wanted so much more out of life. I have to be very realistic. Focused on what is attainable for me. That is a very simple and quiet life. A single life. I believe that romance is not in my future. At least not in a healthy scenario. So, hopefully I can just become a wise and peaceful old man. It doesn’t sound so bad, really. I’d rather spend time with birds and squirrels than trying to please someone that I’ll never be able to satisfy. Lol. I’m thinking Walter Matthau from “Grumpy Old Men”. ;)

[JNChell]

Hi, Methuen. I’m very glad that you haven’t experienced these things, but very grateful that you’re willing to discuss them with me. I appreciate it.

Things getting worse before they get better is a pretty common theme from what I’ve read about this stuff. But really? I wasn’t prepared for this. Not sure if there is a way to be prepared for it, but holy  !

If I’m not zoned out to a movie or song, I’m thinking. Too much time on my hands while being by myself. That is a big thing that I need help with and something that I need to focus on and pay attention to.

My Doctor and I are a very new relationship. I suppose that I will write his name on the admittance paperwork. My sister is kind of upset about him prescribing me medication without looking deeper. The meds made me feel very bad. I asked for meds, though. He was trying to help, it just didn’t work out.

Thank you. I am genuine in what I say here. Sometimes it’s a bit whackey, but I love this place and many of the members here. It’s an amazing community. There’s a lot going on here. Most importantly, for me personally, I don’t feel alone here. You know, these things that we discuss here, we were forced to take it personally in many instances. We get to share that here and slowly understand that we don’t have to carry it forever. Sometimes it just takes some work. I appreciate you. Thank you.

[Methuen]

Things getting worse before they get better is a pretty common theme from what I’ve read about this stuff. But really? I wasn’t prepared for this. Not sure if there is a way to be prepared for it, but holy  !

Eek!  Not suggesting it's going to get worse from here JNChell, but was positing that maybe this   you are feeling now IS the worse before it gets better  Just wanted to clarify that!  

It sounds like you need to have an assessment done before the treatment can happen, so hopefully you don't have to wait too long for that assessment.  Meanwhile, you have a whole community here rooting for you.

[JNChell]

No, no, no. I get it. I know that you’re not telling me that things are going to get worse. We’re on the same page. Yes. I have to be assessed in order to be admitted. Thanks for being good people, Methuen. The world is getting a little crazy. It’s gonna need some good people.

[Cromwell]

JNChell

Ive known you for years since I started here and you have been a rock of emotional support to me and others. This situation now, I read that a third of the population has either/or clinical depression and/or anxiety. When you mentioned an issue with alcohol, 1 in 7 has a substance use issue.

Ive been on that couch, I emphasise, I also know that this is todays version of JNChell, it has not always been like this for you. I know correlation is not necessarily causation but im trying hard not to overlook that you started on Zoloft and then stopped just prior to this. Im going to look into this deeper.

JNChell, just my own take on this. I needed that time on the couch during, it was months worth, even if it just led to me realising I dont want to be there. It is more complicated than that, but the overall message to you is, this stuff we ruminate on, can the exercise in thinking about it be causing more harm at this moment in time than the end goal that is hoped for?

JNChell you will bounce back from this, your made of strong stuff. Please dont allow worries of the future and the foretelling of what is to come to sully your emotional state in the here and now. This is about recognising fear and accepting it as a product of our own creation. This stuff resides in us, it can have its roots deeper down. Maybe this is a time to take opportunity to give yourself a break, it is not ignoring it, it is not a retreat, but give yourself a bit of "no thinking" time, it does sound like you need some R&R. Ive been there and I didnt, so I think I know a bit about it practically speaking.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi JNChell:
I can't know exactly what you are going through, but I am acquainted with anxiety & depression. I did have a father, who was a very critical person.  It took me many years to finally come to the realization that he was struggling with anxiety & depression throughout his life & that I had a genetic predisposition for the same problem.

It's hard when you are in the depts of depression.  At times, I've embraced the logic of, "fake it until you make it".  I know it's easier said than done.  Looking back, I believe that if during certain periods of time, I hadn't made myself go to work, go to the gym, etc, - that I could have fallen into a deeper black hole.

I’d rather spend time with birds and squirrels than trying to please someone that I’ll never be able to satisfy. Lol.

OMG, have you been spying on me, LOL  Over the last few weeks, I've spent a lot of time in my back yard - observing birds & squirrel fights with my dog.  Some situations have been comical & it can bring spirit-filling moments.

If I’m not zoned out to a movie or song, I’m thinking. Too much time on my hands while being by myself

I recently went through an exercise on managing emotions (angry, fearful, sad, happy).  For each category, I was instructed to make a list of healthy things I could do to manage these emotions.

A 5th category was "spirit fillers".  Things I could do to raise my spirit, when I'm down.

The objective is to think through activities & things that can help you deal with your emotions & to have that list available to you.  I choose to make a spreadsheet on Google Doc's & be able to access it via my phone.

You mentioned music.  I have a music app on  my phone.  It took some time, but I made playlists for the 4 emotion categories & spirit filling (5 categories in total).  For me, music can be very powerful & personal.  Certain songs can help change a mood.  

Sometimes, I've found that it's beneficial to just go with a certain mood, such as anger (& vent via music). I picked up a few song in the Itunes Store recently & found a great "anger" song.  The name of the song is "Popular Monster", by Falling in Reverse.  You might want to sample it  online.  

An assignment for you, if you choose to accept, is to make a list of healthy things to do for the 5 categories mentioned above.  This may be something you work on, over the course of several days & continue to refine.

One option could be to share this exercise with others here.  Take one of the categories at a time & ask others to participate. You might find some new ideas. A good place to start is with healthy ways to manage anger.

What are some healthy things that you might do to manage anger?

[l8kgrl]

JNChell, I haven't known you as long as some others here, but from the short time I've been around, I know you are a very compassionate and caring soul. You reach out to others, both to offer support as well as receive it and you do so in a genuine way. That's in no way hypocritical.

I haven't been where you are right now, but I have had many bouts of depression and anxiety.

One of the worst and most dangerous things about depression is that your brain starts convincing you that you will always feel this way. You won't. Please repeat that to yourself as often as you need to. 

You are so strong. You've made it through terrible things in your life and you're still here with a loving heart. Don't worry about what's ahead of you - just try to focus on taking care of yourself today, and then the next day, and then the day after that. Know that you are cared for and valuable. 

[JNChell]

Thank you, Ik8. Your words are kind. I’ve been here for a while, but I’ve been here because I’m struggling with myself. There is no seniority here. Yes, there are members that have really stapled this community down. They have dedicated themselves to it and made it what it is. Everything needs structure, including this community. You’re not above or below anyone here. You’re part of the family.

You’re very right. Depression can lead a person astray. To places a person doesn’t deserve to feel. That’s why I’m heading out of state to hopefully find some real help. I have a young child, and I have to put the work in to finally stamp this out.

You give good advice. One day at a time. Thank you.

[JNChell]

Naughty Nibbler. That is very good advice. It makes sense. I’m at a place, I believe, that I need to put myself in the hands of a medical setting. I’m not well. That’s a very hard admission, but it is what it is. It needs to be dealt with and sorted out. I can’t dance around it anymore.

[JNChell]

Cromwell, thank you. You’ve been a great friend here. I’m taking measures to get past this stuff once and for all. I’m tired of the fight. I’m tired of fighting and stuffing everything and lying to myself about it. I’m not okay. I need to be. For myself and my Son. Luckily, I have a very strong support group in my corner. This community is part of that. I’m blessed. I’m not alone. Afraid? Very. But I’m not alone. I’m afraid of everything and that’s why I need to get it sorted out. Sitting on my couch and drinking is only making me worse. That is a hard fact. It’s reality.

You’re right. This is me in the present tense. Things weren’t always like this. There were very good times. Outstanding physical health and no depression or anxiety. But that all changed with age and experience. I couldn’t lock this stuff down and compartmentalize it forever. It was going to come out. It’s now my responsibility to sort it out. Nobody else is going to do that. The ones that should are dead and didn’t have the capacity or self awareness to help anyway.

The meds were making things worse. Much worse. The more that I talk to my Sis, the more I can see that this is more than C-PTSD, and that the drugs may have had a negative affect. There may be Major Depressive Disorder and Bi-polar traits at play here. It sucks to talk about myself like this, but I guess I need to man up and face the possibilities. I just want the knowledge so that I know what work I need to do to not feel bad all of the time.

[Cromwell]

Cromwell, thank you. You’ve been a great friend here. I’m taking measures to get past this stuff once and for all. I’m tired of the fight. I’m tired of fighting and stuffing everything and lying to myself about it. I’m not okay. I need to be. For myself and my Son. Luckily, I have a very strong support group in my corner. This community is part of that. I’m blessed. I’m not alone. Afraid? Very. But I’m not alone. I’m afraid of everything and that’s why I need to get it sorted out. Sitting on my couch and drinking is only making me worse. That is a hard fact. It’s reality.

Just something I forgot to mention, keep track of food, personally if I could go back to that era I would have tried to get some dopamine rich food in. Eggs, salmon, that sort of thing. Dopamine is a friend I could have done with more of company in that couch sitting era. I did drink as well, I suspect like everything in life, it has its plus and minuses. Not sure if this will work for you but if im sitting on couch for example, if I tell myself "im standing up" - somehow like magic I just do it, if I repeatedly keep thinking it. Sounds like brainwashing oneself, or a bit silly, but im a results orientated person, it just works for me so thought id share.

[Cromwell]

I share in the frustration too, of wanting answers.

[JNChell]

I’m sure that diet will eventually play in. Right now I just think I need a controlled environment to come undone. However, I do love salmon and eggs.