Hey Skip, thanks for challenging me on this:
Was this to help D11 or was this to help you? What constructive or comforting information was she to get from this to deal with the crisis she was facing?
Does you 11 year old have this depth of self-awareness and understanding of human nature? Or is this more your narrative for her.
Firstly I believe that both D11 AND D10 have the depth of awareness to know that what they were experiencing was fake / false / odd. There was an denied or not acknowledged situation that existed, and elephant in the room that they had to deal with. I know and knew that they already knew this. Both kids acknowledged after my comment that this was the case. I am sure (although I haven't spoken to them directly) that the children are not only grieving for the change in their future, but also the loss of a fantasy they had spent a long time building, deny what they could see was going on around them. I believed and still do that it was important to say out loud that, that period was not honest but that going forwards things would be different at least on my part.
The kids see, hear and understand a lot more than we give them credit for. Adults attempts to cover over the true picture is at best a smoke screen and at worst gas-lighting (might not be 100% appropriate use of the word). There was some mutuality in that dance for sure, they were protecting themselves from reality as much as I was attempting to protect them and fight for a failing relationship... but there was a casualty, and the casualty was the truth. They will need to formulate their own reality about the past 4+ years, that was going to happen regardless of my statement, but I have given them permission to accept their own 'experience' rather than the twisted version myself and my W have attempted to tell them existed. Me acknowledging that I believe was helpful to them.
I have and always will accept my W's autonomy within the bounds of her ability to be autonomous whilst experiencing all externalities of her choices and behaviours. I will also respect my own rite and our Children's rite to autonomy.
