Co-parenting during a pandemic

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been about a year since my last post, so I figure a quick re-introduction is in order.

I've been separated from my uBPDstbxw for 2.5 years.  When she sensed that I would be filing for divorce, she overdosed on antidepressants, and after a hospital stay, moved out of state to live with a family member.  Our son (now 7) lives with me during the school year, but visits her when he has extended breaks from school.


After a very tumultous year (lost her job, was evicted from her apartment, was arrested for battery and went to jail after missing her court date...), uBPDstbxw moved to the opposite side of the state to live with an old friend's parents.  She's since gotten a well-paying restaurant job (good tips), and her life has gotten decently stable (for her).

As is the case with many kids right now, S7 has really been struggling with not going to school.  Not playing with his friends, increased screen time while I was working from home, etc., has led to weight gain, more angry outbursts, and depression.

In mid-June, S7 went down to stay with uBPDstbxw for the summer.  Based on what she's told me, it seems like his mood has gotten even worse.  He spends most of his time watching YouTube on his tablet, and when she takes it away, he acts nearly suicidal.  I scheduled a virtual appointment with his pediatrician (who is located in my state) to talk about these mental issues, but she slept through it.  She also works nights, so their schedule is very unusual -- wake up in the early afternoon, drop him off at the babysitter while she works, and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning.

His school year begins next week.  There is an option for virtual learning, but as a single parent who will not be working from home (well, yet -- I'm a college professor, so we'll see if the administration reverses course regarding face-to-face classes...), sending him back to school is the most realistic option.  And I think it would be amazing for his mental health to be back with his peers, running around on the playground, and having that structure in his life again.

But of course, there's a risk in sending him to school.  He has a history of asthma, and he's had a few hospital stays over the years.  Not to mention that every additional kid that goes to school every day is going to increase the probability of infection for everyone else in the community that much more.   I'm very torn about this, but right now I'm seeing his current mental state as a clear and present danger, and the coronavirus as just a possible threat.

uBPDstbxw, on the other hand, is firmly on the side of virtual learning.  She's even floated the idea of him staying with her for a while longer and doing his schoolwork from there.  I'm concerned that she'll try to prevent exchanging him if I don't agree to virtual learning.


To further complicate matters, originally we had a divorce hearing scheduled for the day before S7's school started.  So she was going to drive up for the hearing and drop him off, all together in one trip.  But the other day, my L informed me that it's been moved back a week.  Apparently, uBPDstbxw isn't aware of the change yet and is still planning on coming up next week.  But it's just a matter of time before her L informs her of the date change...

I'm feeling powerless because S7 is currently in her custody.  I'm terrified for his mental health, but also concerned about the coronavirus.

Any thoughts?

[prof]

It's been about a year since my last post, so I figure a quick re-introduction is in order.

I've been separated from my uBPDstbxw for 2.5 years.  When she sensed that I would be filing for divorce, she overdosed on antidepressants, and after a hospital stay, moved out of state to live with a family member.  Our son (now 7) lives with me during the school year, but visits her when he has extended breaks from school.


After a very tumultous year (lost her job, was evicted from her apartment, was arrested for battery and went to jail after missing her court date...), uBPDstbxw moved to the opposite side of the state to live with an old friend's parents.  She's since gotten a well-paying restaurant job (good tips), and her life has gotten decently stable (for her).

As is the case with many kids right now, S7 has really been struggling with not going to school.  Not playing with his friends, increased screen time while I was working from home, etc., has led to weight gain, more angry outbursts, and depression.

In mid-June, S7 went down to stay with uBPDstbxw for the summer.  Based on what she's told me, it seems like his mood has gotten even worse.  He spends most of his time watching YouTube on his tablet, and when she takes it away, he acts nearly suicidal.  I scheduled a virtual appointment with his pediatrician (who is located in my state) to talk about these mental issues, but she slept through it.  She also works nights, so their schedule is very unusual -- wake up in the early afternoon, drop him off at the babysitter while she works, and then stay up until the wee hours of the morning.

His school year begins next week.  There is an option for virtual learning, but as a single parent who will not be working from home (well, yet -- I'm a college professor, so we'll see if the administration reverses course regarding face-to-face classes...), sending him back to school is the most realistic option.  And I think it would be amazing for his mental health to be back with his peers, running around on the playground, and having that structure in his life again.

But of course, there's a risk in sending him to school.  He has a history of asthma, and he's had a few hospital stays over the years.  Not to mention that every additional kid that goes to school every day is going to increase the probability of infection for everyone else in the community that much more.   I'm very torn about this, but right now I'm seeing his current mental state as a clear and present danger, and the coronavirus as just a possible threat.

uBPDstbxw, on the other hand, is firmly on the side of virtual learning.  She's even floated the idea of him staying with her for a while longer and doing his schoolwork from there.  I'm concerned that she'll try to prevent exchanging him if I don't agree to virtual learning.


To further complicate matters, originally we had a divorce hearing scheduled for the day before S7's school started.  So she was going to drive up for the hearing and drop him off, all together in one trip.  But the other day, my L informed me that it's been moved back a week.  Apparently, uBPDstbxw isn't aware of the change yet and is still planning on coming up next week.  But it's just a matter of time before her L informs her of the date change...

I'm feeling powerless because S7 is currently in her custody.  I'm terrified for his mental health, but also concerned about the coronavirus.

Any thoughts?

[GaGrl]

Yes. Do whatever is necessary to get S7 back in your custody and physical possession, in the state in which your hearing will be held.

Educational decisions follow from that.

[ForeverDad]

By most accounts, while children can and do get the virus their health is not impacted in most cases and remarkably they are not the great infectors they were worried to be.  Of course you can expect the risks to and from the children will be used as emotionally blaming leverage.

[worriedStepmom]

I know in the past your wife has made all kinds of excuses not to drive.  You ought to plan to drive all the way there to get your S.

I don't remember - does your son see a therapist when he is with you?  When you get him back, you might want to find someone for him to talk to.

My son has an anxiety disorder.  He started making disturbing comments at about age 7 (the world would be better without him in it, etc).  He saw a therapist for a year, and although there was improvement, he wasn't his normal self.  I finally consulted a psychiatrist.  A combination of antidepressants and therapy has brought me back my kid.

[pursuingJoy]

Agree with GaGrl - I'd hold off on discussions about how you'll handle the school year until he is back with you. If conversations happen, keep them focused on the upcoming hearing.

My 17yo daughter has severe depression and anxiety, and the pandemic isolation has been hardest on her. The mental health concerns you're seeing in your kiddo are legitimate and need to be addressed sooner rather than later. 

Do the best you can. 

[prof]

I know in the past your wife has made all kinds of excuses not to drive.  You ought to plan to drive all the way there to get your S.

Yeah, I'm pretty much ready to get in the car at any moment as soon as it's apparent that I need to do so.

I don't remember - does your son see a therapist when he is with you?  When you get him back, you might want to find someone for him to talk to.

Not yet, no.  When I asked my T about it, he suggested that it shouldn't be necessary unless I start seeing concerning behavior.  And until March, there wasn't any -- he was a happy, well-adjusted kid.  Once S7 is back with me, I'll absolutely be re-scheduling that appointment with his pediatrician that uBPDstbxw missed to get the ball rolling on addressing his mental health.

Agree with GaGrl - I'd hold off on discussions about how you'll handle the school year until he is back with you. If conversations happen, keep them focused on the upcoming hearing.

I'll do my best.  uBPDstbxw is really pressuring me right now.  Up to this point, I haven't firmly said yes or no, but have told her that I'm still thinking about virtual learning v. in-person.

So far this summer, she has been relatively pleasant toward me.  She even paid for my hotel room and meals when I dropped him off in June.  But knowing her, things can go south very quickly.  If I refuse to talk to her and try to push any decisions until after the hearing (which is actually a week after school starts), then I wouldn't be surprised if she paints me black again, making an exchange that much more difficult.  What if I drive down there and she refuses to hand him over?

[pursuingJoy]

What if I drive down there and she refuses to hand him over?

Has this happened before?

Is there any way to come up with rational reasons why you can't make a decision yet? The deadline to register for virtual school isn't a factor until...? School administration is still working out the kinks for...? Kiddo may or may not be able to be a part of...?

The real key will be not triggering her panic. Trying to brainstorm with you.    

[prof]

Has this happened before?

No, but I'm always afraid of it.  I went back and re-read my thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326160.0) from two years ago, which was similar (minus the coronavirus!), to jog my memory.  After lots of drama, the hand-off ended up going smoothly.

In many ways, I'm sure she's looking forward to S7 coming back to be with me.  She's struggling a lot more with his mental health issues -- when he gets angry, she takes it personally.  A couple times this summer, she asked me to come get him, only to change her mind a few hours later.  (I should have taken her up on it!)  And she's paying big bucks for the babysitter.

Is there any way to come up with rational reasons why you can't make a decision yet? The deadline to register for virtual school isn't a factor until...? School administration is still working out the kinks for...? Kiddo may or may not be able to be a part of...?

The real key will be not triggering her panic. Trying to brainstorm with you.    

I think my current reason for being indecisive is pretty rational -- his mental health v. the risk of coronavirus.  But she interprets me not being 100% on board with virtual learning as me thinking about my needs and not his...

We definitely have some flexibility as far as deadlines are concerned.  I met with his teacher yesterday, and she seemed very understanding and just to call the school if things change.  Parents have been told that we can switch between face-to-face and virtual for up to 20 days after school starts before we're locked in for the semester.  So there's no huge rush on that end.

I also won't be surprised if our county decides to push the start date back further or just start all-virtual.  With the really bad national press that some counties who've already opened up are getting right now, it wouldn't be a shock if this decision is made for me in the next few days...

[pursuingJoy]

In many ways, I'm sure she's looking forward to S7 coming back to be with me.  She's struggling a lot more with his mental health issues -- when he gets angry, she takes it personally.  A couple times this summer, she asked me to come get him, only to change her mind a few hours later.  (I should have taken her up on it!)  And she's paying big bucks for the babysitter.

That makes sense. It sounds like she may or may not refuse, but there's no harm in thinking ahead and being prepared.

I think my current reason for being indecisive is pretty rational -- his mental health v. the risk of coronavirus.  But she interprets me not being 100% on board with virtual learning as me thinking about my needs and not his...

Your reasoning is not just rational, it's accurate. We know she dismisses mental health concerns in favor of virtual schooling. I was hoping to come up with a third argument, one she wouldn't interpret as you thinking about your needs, that you could use just to hold off the conversation until he's safe and home.

With the really bad national press that some counties who've already opened up are getting right now, it wouldn't be a shock if this decision is made for me in the next few days...

We're in the same boat here...it is a hot mess.

I wonder how you could still address your son's mental health, even if virtual schooling becomes a must? I'm trying to think ahead for my rising senior, too. Safe ways to connect with friends, creating a schedule to follow, tasks to complete each day, ways to make money...what do you think?

[worriedStepmom]

I wonder how you could still address your son's mental health, even if virtual schooling becomes a must? I'm trying to think ahead for my rising senior, too. Safe ways to connect with friends, creating a schedule to follow, tasks to complete each day, ways to make money...what do you think?

I'm keeping my anxious kid home for remote learning.  We've talked about finding a classmate who is also doing virtual schooling and letting them get together once a week to do school together.  It might be a good compromise on risk.

I can do this because I work at home and have a really flexible schedule.  If you don't have that ability...in-person school may be the best bet.

[ForeverDad]

Be sure to bring copies of your order with you, good to always have with you at exchanges, good to always have a copy with you.

If you call for help the first question an officer will ask is to read the terms of the order.  They typically don't enforce orders but they will try their best to persuade and pressure compliance with the order.

[formflier]

What are the terms of the current custody order?

Best,

FF

[prof]

What are the terms of the current custody order?

There is no order.   Once the original order expired, my L tried to renew it but the judge refused to sign it, not wanting to prolong things even further.  And here we are, a year and a half later...

[formflier]

So...who has rights to your child?  Is it back to the "wild west"?

Best,

FF

[prof]

So...who has rights to your child?  Is it back to the "wild west"?

Pretty much, yeah.  We both have legal custody.

uBPDstbxw called a few minutes ago claiming she's really gotten really sick today with COVID-like symptoms...  Saying I may need to drive down there to get him anyway.

[formflier]

Pretty much, yeah.  We both have legal custody.

uBPDstbxw called a few minutes ago claiming she's really gotten really sick today with COVID-like symptoms...  Saying I may need to drive down there to get him anyway.

Probably best to take the "may" out of it and start driving.

Going forward...would there be any reason to send your child back, without an order in place?

Best,

FF

[prof]

Probably best to take the "may" out of it and start driving.

Yeah, that's my plan.  I'll almost certainly hit the road after I'm done teaching tomorrow.

Going forward...would there be any reason to send your child back, without an order in place?

We've informally discussed Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.  uBPDstbxw has asked for a week earlier than that.  In previous years, his district had a week-long fall break in October, but it's been shortened to a long weekend this year, and I'm not going to have him miss school.

Of course, if his district ends up going all virtual, she'll argue that he could just study virtually with her.

[formflier]

And couldn't you say that as soon as there is an order, you can move forward on those plans.

So...remind me again when you think the order will be signed or the divorce will be final?

What are you expecting for custody in the divorce order?

Best,

FF

[prof]

And couldn't you say that as soon as there is an order, you can move forward on those plans.

That sounds like a good plan.

So...remind me again when you think the order will be signed or the divorce will be final?

Hopefully, the hearing next week will finish things up.

What are you expecting for custody in the divorce order?

The status quo, i.e., primarily with me but with visits to uBPDstbxw during extended breaks from school.

[formflier]

Are you expecting the order to leave you with primary decision making about medical, school and all the big decisions?

Best,

FF

[prof]

Are you expecting the order to leave you with primary decision making about medical, school and all the big decisions?

That would be wonderful, but it's not what I'm expecting.  Based on what my L has said, I believe the most likely result would be joint legal custody and me with primary physical custody.


I'm currently in uBPDstbxw's state and will be driving S7 back home today.  Her COVID-like symptoms have worsened.  S7 is asymptomatic, but I've scheduled a test for him at his pediatrician's office for tomorrow and will be keeping him home from school after all until we get some answers.

[ForeverDad]

Do try to get some sort of legal preference for major decisions.  Otherwise you will end up back at court sooner than later.  That can delay the outcome for months.

A benefit of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status (if your state has those concepts) in a joint custody order is that once you get the other's response you can go ahead and if the other parent still disagrees then the other parent is the one that has to bring it to court or the mediator or whomever.  Meanwhile you've proceeded on and you're not likely to be reversed.

[prof]

Do try to get some sort of legal preference for major decisions.  Otherwise you will end up back at court sooner than later.  That can delay the outcome for months.

A benefit of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status (if your state has those concepts) in a joint custody order is that once you get the other's response you can go ahead and if the other parent still disagrees then the other parent is the one that has to bring it to court or the mediator or whomever.  Meanwhile you've proceeded on and you're not likely to be reversed.

Thanks for the info!  Based on a quick google search, it looks like my state does assign tie-breakers.  I think my L will have a very strong argument that it should be me!


The trip earlier this week went about as smoothly as can be expected.  Since uBPDstbxw has been sick, she convinced me to run a few errands for her (pick up dinner and couple runs to the store).  Brought back lots of memories of our time together when I was constantly doing these sorts of things for her.  I was tempted to set some boundaries and refuse, but I didn't want to rock the boat and make the exchange more difficult.

uBPDstbxw still hasn't gotten a coronavirus test, but I wasn't going to mess around and send S7 to school when there was a credible risk that he might be infected.  So I kept him home yesterday (the first day of school) to get tested.  It was negative!  So he's back in school today.

[formflier]

Wise of you to not rock the boat.  Get to final order asap!

I would use the COVID issue for your hearing. 

Despite you asking, she didn't get herself or your son tested over xx days.  You got it done after xx hours of him back in your custody.

That...along with your other stuff seems to be very powerful.

Best,

FF

[prof]

Just found out that our hearing on Wednesday has been continued...  it seems like this divorce will never end!