Need Advice on Siblings Seeking Conflict Not Solutions

[zachira]

I hate to be posting again. I value your wisdom and time.
I need some advice. I own a small summer family cottage with my sister. For two years now, she has been in a rage since I demanded she give me one week during the times she usuallly takes. She takes all the holidays: a week for Memorial Day, a week for July 4, last week of August and Labor Day week, a week for Columbus Day. The cottage is rented most of the other weeks. She has decided to take the cottage for September because that is the most likely time people can use the cottage due to the coronavirus, never mind the fact she is within driving distance and I have to fly.  Since then, she has done all kind of horrible things to me, including taking all my mother's things after she died. I recently realized she is stealing money from our joint accounts. I called a lawyer who has represented our family in the past. He said he could only represent us both which I agreed to if we decide to sell the cottage, and cannot represent me individually since he has represented both my sister and I in the past. I have emailed my sister and BIL saying I want to buy the cottage and that this lawyer will do the paperwork. My thoughts are that my sister will oppose this because she is getting a free ride right now. She may says she wants to buy the cottage which I would accept. I am kind of hoping she will feel like she is winning if she refuses to sell the cottage to me, and demands to buy it instead. I think if the cottage is sold, I can insist upon condition of sale, that all the money that has been directly transferred to her accounts which were not part of the expenses be repaid to me. My concern is that my sister just wants revenge and conflict, and she will do everything to avoid finding an amicable solution to terminating the joint ownership of the cottage. I do not want to own this cottage with her anymore. I want to end my relationship with her and go permanent no contact. What are your thoughts and advice?
I have had one phone call with my brother. He has some things of mine stored in what was mom's house. He has said he will let me get my things, but I only can be at the house for around 3-5 hours, which means several trips. I live a long plane ride away. He thinks now maybe he will tell the lawyer to settle the estate. I see his attitudes and actions as part of the ongoing passive agressiveness he exhibits towards me. I think he is like my sister, always looking for ways to fuel the fire, instead of just doing what is necessary to solve the problems and move on. I think I may have to forgo getting any of my things out of my brother's house.
My question is: How do I deal with siblings that are only looking for conflict instead of solutions?

[Notwendy]

Zachira- this is tough. I don't have experience with joint property. My only experience with BPD mother is to not be in any situation where we both have interest in something material. It would be an opportunity for control, conflict and drama.

I don't even dare borrow her car, or use her kitchen or anything else when I visit her.

A summer cottage sounds lovely but sharing one with disordered siblings sounds like continued conflict and drama.

I think the sale of this would require some kind of legal intervention. How do divorced parents deal with a house they both own but are in conflict over? One idea is for one of them to sell their half to the other or put it on the market and split the proceeds.

I'm not sure what is done if one party refuses both options, but I imagine there is some sort of legal way to manage this. I know you have probably spent more on lawyers than you wish but for something as large as a house, I would let one deal with this. There is so much legal and realtor work involved in the sale of a house as it is, it's not something that is easy to resolve on your own.

[GaGrl]

Zachira, I'm back to advice from your previous threads -- you need your own lawyer who will represent your interests in the estate -- independent of the lawyer who is representing the estate as a whole.

How did you learn she is appropriating funds that should be shared with you? Does the estate lawyer have anything to do with this? If you had your own lawyer, he/she would request an accounting of the funds.

As to getting your items from your brother, the most expeditious way to do this is to arrange for a storage unit and a moving team to be available for a day, fly in, and the next day meet the moving crew at your brother's house. A good crew of 2-3 movers can have your items out of the house in a few hours and packed into a storage unit for you to then decide later what to do with them.

[Methuen]

If you have any reservations about using the lawyer who says he will only represent both of you, it might be worth it to get your own lawyer to represent you, under the circumstances.  But you will know best whether the shared lawyer situation is a good idea or not.  How aware is he of true nature of the family dynamic?  Nevertheless, there might be less potential for messiness to get your own lawyer, in the event your sibling(s) tries to triangulate the shared lawyer, which seems highly likely.  

I think if the cottage is sold, I can insist upon condition of sale, that all the money that has been directly transferred to her accounts which were not part of the expenses be repaid to me.

 Perchance, have you asked her about the withdrawals yet?  It would be interesting to know her response.  If I had to take a "wild" guess, she could claim this money for "maintenance" of the cottage, but then she should be able to produce receipts to account for every penny of the withdrawals.  I would definitely give thought to getting your own private lawyer since unexplained withdrawals are involved.  Maybe even save the questions about the withdrawals for the lawyer, who is an independent professional, and since you are wanting to avoid conflict and contact. Again, you will know what is best.  In the best case scenario, even if she did claim the joint bank account withdrawals were for maintenance of the cottage, she should have consulted with you since the property is jointly owned, and the bank account is joint.  I have a SIL who has some kind of PD and is a control freak and does not consult over the care of her and my H's father, but takes about $3500 from his bank account every month (the agreed upon amount was $1200 for care since he lives with her and has dementia).  It all gets complicated right?  Your situation is very complicated.  I feel for you.

My concern is that my sister just wants revenge and conflict, and she will do everything to avoid finding an amicable solution to terminating the joint ownership of the cottage. I do not want to own this cottage with her anymore. I want to end my relationship with her and go permanent no contact. What are your thoughts and advice?

One of you buying out the other sounds like a good plan Zachira.  Either way for you, it seems like a win-win.  Like you say, if she counter-offers buying you out, it's still a win for you (in a few ways)  Have you got to the part yet where you agree on a selling price?

He has said he will let me get my things, but I only can be at the house for around 3-5 hours

Well it's a win that he says he will let you go get your things.  I like the idea of flying in one day, and showing up the next day with a team of movers to help you move your things to a storage unit.  If you decide to go with that idea, I would not tell your brother of your plans in advance.  I would just show up with the team, as it's none of his business how you remove your things in the 3-5 hours.

I can see how all this would cause some anxiety up to and including the actual move, so I have a suggestion for that.  I'm thinking if you have a friend you would be comfortable asking, you could invite a friend to accompany you on this trip, and pay for their ticket. This could accomplish two things.  It could reduce your anxiety, and it could keep you safer, as your brother would be less likely to act out if you had a friend there.  Again, I would say nothing about it in advance.  Several years ago, our daughter lost a close friend to suicide while they were at university amidst final exams at Christmas.  It was winter time, and stormy and icy.  Friends of the deceased were driving to the funeral while grieving.  It was so traumatic for all the kids.  We payed for two plane fares to fly our daughter and her room mate to the funeral.  We had peace of mind, the two of them were off icy roads, and they weren't alone with their thoughts.  I guess that's where I'm coming from when I put the suggestion out there to take a friend with you.  You could even plan to do something fun (touristy) and Covid safe while you were in the area, so you also have something fun to look forward to together.  

He thinks now maybe he will tell the lawyer to settle the estate. I see his attitudes and actions as part of the ongoing passive agressiveness he exhibits towards me.

It really sounds like a big question is whether to stay with the shared lawyer, or get your own private lawyer, if I'm understanding all this right.

How do I deal with siblings that are only looking for conflict instead of solutions?

 By looking after YOU.  How are you going to take care of yourself through all this?

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I feel you understand what is the main challenge with my siblings. I think you know that you cannot use your mother's car or her kitchen when you visit her because of her need for power and control. I am afraid my siblings don't want to give up any of the power and control they have over me. The estate will eventually get settled and the lawyer who represents my brother who is the executor will insist on it. The problem is he is going to drag things on like he did with the first lawyer who is now retired when he refused over and over again to have all three siblings at mom's house at the same time to divide everything up as specified in the will.
I read a legal book on owning a family cottage with other family members years ago. I believe that if a property is jointly owned, both parties have to agree to sell, and neither party can force the other to sell. I will investigate if there is indeed some way to get my sister to sell the cottage.
I do not want to waste a lot of money on lawyers because I know my siblings will just drag things out, and I will be spending money I can't afford to spend. I know once you file a lawsuit against somebody, it can drag it on forever. I have seen so many heartbreaking cases on our family law board in which the dysfunctional spouse/former spouse forced the other parent/spouse to spend so much money on ridiculous disputes that could have been easily resolved with mediation and cooperation by both parties. I may pay for a consult with a lawyer at some point.
Thank you for your help and kindness.

[zachira]

GagGrl,
Thank you for all your help and once again taking time to be there for me.
I believe the lawyer who represents my brother who is the executor will insist that the estate get settled at some point. My brother is just going to drag things out because he is passive agressive and wants to have power and control over me.
I do have a plan to hire a van and some cousins to help me move everything out of my brother's house. I have two challenges. One my brother may deny me access on the spur of the moment because that is just who is he, however having family there will make this less likely. I don't know when I can get to my brother's house because of the pandemic, as I live on the opposite side of the country as my brother.
I have been noticing for quite some time that a specific amount of money is being transferred to my sister's bank account that is never accounted for when it comes time to file taxes on the income and losses from the cottage rentals. I confronted my sister about one of the transactions and told her there were others with similar amounts. She agreed to return the money to the account. I checked the bank statement and she just transferred the money from one of our joint bank accounts to one of the other shared accounts. My sister thinks I am a complete fool. I am going to go through all the bank statements from the begining and then decide on my next step to recover the stolen funds. I decided to try to get my sister to agree to sell the cottage, as I have reached my limit.  

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for taking so much time to share your thoughts and suggestions. I think I answered most of them in my replies above. The shared lawyer has represented my sister and me before. He is very ethical and would be fair to both parties. The challenge is to get my sister to sell the cottage, whether I buy her out or she buys me out. Right now, it would be extremely difficult to put the cottage on the open market.
I like all your anecdotes and it helps me to feel understood. I am sorry you are having to go through this.
My biggest concern right now is self care. I know I have to draw a line in the sand. The financial and emotional abuse accelerated  two years ago when I insisted on having one week out of the five my sister usually takes. My sister has been raging ever since and doing everything she can to make my life miserable. It no longer makes sense for me to just be agreable and go along with what she wants, which is what I have done 99 percent of the time for most of my life. I am looking to find some peace of mind so all that is going on does not rent space in my head, and I can be better prepared for the next cruel behaviors of my siblings and BIL which are inevitable. I do think having a lawyer represent me at some point could be a good idea, and to not have any direct dealings with my siblings would be good. If I were independently wealthy, I would have hired a lawyer a long time ago.
My heart goes out to you hearing what you have to go through dealing with your mother.
Thanks once again for reaching out to help me get clear on what are the next steps I need to take to get to the point where I can go NC with my siblings and BIL.
In response to your question, I really don't know how I am going to take care of myself through all of this. Any suggestions, advice are more than welcome.

[GaGrl]

Can the estate lawyer provide you any documentation to show should you be denied entrance to your brother's house and need to call the police? Is the house in his name yet?

[zachira]

GaGrl,
The house is in my brother's name. I agreed to sell the house to him as long as he stored my stuff and granted me access to pick up my things. My brother stipulated I could not spend the night at the house which I never had any intention of doing. I did not want to pay the cost of maintaining the house, nor be stuck later not being able to sell the house and owning it with my siblings. My brother constantly called me wanting to buy the house, some phone calls telling me he loved me, and other phone calls raging making false accusations of things like elder abuse and child abuse. He abused my mother. I think he stuck in the child abuse because he knows I love to work with children. My brother did not call me anymore once I agreed to let him buy the house. My brother ordered the lawyer not to talk to me which he can do because the lawyer represents the executor. The settling of the estate is the least of my worries, as I know the lawyer will find a way to do it. I just don't want to own the cottage with my sister and BIL who have mercilessly abused me both emotionally and financially. My sister came and hit me in the middle of the night when I was sleeping next to her daugher about 15 years ago. She claimed it was justified because of something I said which I can't remember now what it was. I am more concerned that when I am at the cottage she might do this again because she is getting to be more and more out of control. She has been raging for 2 years about my insisting I get one week out of the five weeks she gets which are all during the holidays and the most desirable times to use the cottage.

[Notwendy]

As much as I advocate for standing up for ourselves, I have also come to appreciate the cost trade off for peace.

Several years ago, there was a business partner who worked with my H and who owed him money. My H took this to a lawyer. The partner contacted some rogue lawyer who dragged this out, made false allegations, threats. The lawyer costs on our end were rising. We decided that- the cost of dragging this out would be greater than what was owed, in addition to the aggravation of it, and so let it go. Yes, this partner was wrong, we should have gotten the money back, but the cost of getting it back was higher than the value of it.

I have seen difficult people drag out a divorce to the point where the person who wants their rights back has spent all their money on lawyers.

I think it's hard to accept that there are people who behave like this, because decent people don't. Your family members are not decent people. Neither is this business partner who has also scammed many other people and is disliked by them as well.

I also have to work on not being co-dependent and being a doormat, letting people walk all over me. I would not give up part ownership in a house that easily. However, if the house is co owned with people who I know will be difficult and cause drama, and that it would be costly to get the situation dissolved, I might also consider letting it go legally. Doing that would also  be letting go of property taxes, upkeep, utilities and a lot of aggravation.

I had to emotionally let go of some things I wanted from my father, because they are in my mother's hands and there is no way to get them from her. I can not be connected to her in any way via something I am invested in either emotionally or financially- unless I decide the drama is worth it.

It's not fair and it is costly either way. The cost of your part in the house, or the cost of your freedom from how they treat you over it. It's not fair, but this is how people like this operate. I try to take a larger grand scheme perspective on this, as it is one way to cope. They may have "won" in the material sense, but not in the grand scheme of things when it comes to who we are as human beings, how we treat others. In this sense, I feel sorry for my mother.  She's caused so much hurt in her own family- all due to her own hurting. It must be horrible to be in so much emotional turmoil like that. I don't wish that on her, and I didn't cause that for her. If there was a way to fix that for her, I would have done it, and so would everyone else in the family.

Your siblings are sad, mean, unethical people doing hurtful things to try to make themselves feel better. That's not who you are. They have put you in a difficult situation- with a difficult choice. This seems to be common when dealing with pwBPD.

[zachira]

Hello everybody,
I have heard back from my sister and she has agreed to sell the cottage under conditions no sane person would agree to and are totally unethical unconventional practices to say the least. She wants me to reimbourse her for all expenses for this entire year. She wants me to pay for the lawyer. She wants me to pay for our percentage of the joint land which is very valuable shore property which is owned by the condo association. The list of unreasonable mean conditions is lengthy and I have not written all of it down here. Condo owners only pay the price of the condo and never a percentage of the value of the land owned by the condo association. It is all mean spirited and I don't think my sister has any intention of letting me have the cottage unless she can get even with me, and make me pay for buying the cottage for the rest of my life. I told her the conditions were unfair. I asked her if she wants to buy the cottage. I know she doesn't. My next suggestion will be to put the cottage on the market which I am going to agree to. I will put my sister in charge of putting the cottage on the market, so she can learn about what is reasonable as far as selling practices and I will not have to go back and forth with her about what I find out. If the information comes from me about selling the cottage, sale price, etc., than she will deny any of it is true and just continue to make unreasonable demands. I doubt the cottage will sell for a number of years. With the cottage on the market and my sister paying her share of the costs, I may be able to get her to eventually sell it to me. As usual, it is going to be  a long drawn out battle to make sure I suffer as much as possible. I hope I can have some peace from this situation before I die. I am heartbroken to lose the cottage and there is little I can do.
Notwendy,
I loved your response. I agree with everything you said. I often comfort myself with the fact that I am a happier person than my sister and brother, though right now I am feeling upset and I will have to work on not letting my sister's toxic dump of anger on me over selling the cottage not let me feel so upset so intensely or for so long.

[zachira]

Instead of staying paralyzed in anger and grief, I contacted the lawyer who said he could represent my sister and me in the sale of the property but not me individually, and I explained it would not work for him to represent us both, and I briefly explained why. My sister on her own has sent the lawyer an email. She has presented herself as the one who is flexible and me as the problem. She has requested the lawyer do all kinds of things that I never authorized. I can't imagine the endless legal expenses I would be incurring if that were to happen. I dodged a bullet. I wonder what the lawyer would think if he read the email she sent me which my sister provided him a copy of, and the email she wrote personally to him. Such a sharp contrast in style and intention. In the email to me, she sounds like a narcissist out to get revenge and everything for herself. In the email to the lawyer, she comes across as perfectly reasonable until you read what she wrote to me.

[Methuen]

Oh dear. This sounds like it could be escalating.  Your sister is triangulating with the lawyer.  This was predictable.  So forward him the nasty email she sent you so he can begin to see the issue in its whole entirety, and so that he has all sides of the story, and not just the info your sister feeds him.  If there is no info from you to counter what she gives him, he will have no choice but to believe what she tells him.  That's my thinking.  Then at least you are doing what you can to give him a "balanced" picture of the issues.  After that, he just has to do his lawyerly stuff, but at least you are taking the opportunity to personally provide your version of the facts.  

I contacted the lawyer who said he could represent my sister and me in the sale of the property but not me individually, and I explained it would not work for him to represent us both, and I briefly explained why.

Did he have any thoughts or recommendations?  Were you able to also ask him what he thinks?  I'm wondering where this leaves you now. Is it with or without a lawyer?

She has requested the lawyer do all kinds of things that I never authorized.

So the lawyer which has been representing all of you is aware that she requested work that you did not authorize?  What did he say?  Was he surprised? Is he going to do the work, or did you put a stop to it?

I wonder what the lawyer would think if he read the email she sent me ...  In the email to me, she sounds like a narcissist out to get revenge and everything for herself. In the email to the lawyer, she comes across as perfectly reasonable until you read what she wrote to me.

 Zachira, do you think it might be in your best interest to forward both of these emails to the lawyer yourself, with a short cover letter as to why you are sending them, and what your concerns are?  He needs ALL the pertinent information to be able to fulfil his duties right? Disclosing the truth about your sister's differing emails (to him vs to you), so that ALL your interests are represented, and not just your BPD sister's interests (if that is the only info he is getting), seems appropriate, since she is already taking actions to benefit herself, and hurt you.  Then he can look at the evidence himself, and draw his conclusions.  It sounds like maybe one sister may have forwarded something to him already (I'm not sure if I understood that part accurately), but with your family history, it might be wise to do your own forwarding, to ensure nothing gets edited or altered by a third party (sibling).  Also, then the lawyer can respond directly to you, instead of going through the sister that sent it to him.   Do you think perhaps that you want to be having your own conversations with him, and not relying on any info from any sibling?  

Such a sharp contrast in style and intention.

 The lawyer needs to know this right?

In the email to the lawyer, she comes across as perfectly reasonable until you read what she wrote to me.

 I would ask for his advice under the circumstance, and if and how he can help, especially with regards to this:

She has requested the lawyer do all kinds of things that I never authorized. I can't imagine the endless legal expenses I would be incurring if that were to happen.

In an earlier post, you mentioned that you trust him.  This is good.  So give him the emails yourself, and any "evidence" you have to demonstrate the "facts".  Explain your concerns.  Then maybe ask him if he sees a way to move forward?  

How are you going to look after yourself today?  Tomorrow?

[zachira]

Methuen,
You misread my post. I talked to the lawyer and said we could not contract him before my sister emailed him. My sister sent the lawyer an email appearing like she is reasonable and then a copy of the email of her demands for selling the cottage which she originally sent to me. We will not have the same lawyer. I will get my own lawyer and appraiser and insist my sister do the same.

[Notwendy]

I think it's a good idea to have your own lawyer.

The statement I have concerns about is this one:

I will put my sister in charge of putting the cottage on the market, so she can learn about what is reasonable as far as selling practices and I will not have to go back and forth with her about what I find out.

I see some pros and cons to this one. First, I think it is a good idea for her to discuss selling price and practices with the realtor so you don't have to be the go between. That reduces drama.

However, putting her in charge of anything might result in more drama and more delays.

It's actually you who wants the sale- so having her do this might be complicating what you want. Basically, if you are in charge of what you want to do- you will make sure it gets done.

Is there some way you can be in charge of the outcome you want while also letting her communicate with the realtor about market cost and procedure?

You both would have to approve any bids from buyers and I can see a potential drama in this if she refuses them. It would be good to have the realtor communicate with her about whether or not a bid is reasonable.

And then there is peace to factor in. I would not accept a too low bid, but the sooner it gets sold, the sooner this connection to your sister is gone. If one comes along that isn't all you want, but saves drama, time, more lawyer fees, that's something to factor in.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Thank you for your thoughts. I believe we are thinking along similar lines. I will be working behind the scenes to get bids for the cottage. My sister will never let me buy the cottage unless she makes me suffer endlessly in the process, or she buys it from me for an unreasonably low price. I will leave it up to my sister to do whatever she is going to do, as I can't control her, while drawing my line in the sand when I have to. In the next month or so, I am going to have to do something about the money she is transferring from our accounts to her personal account.  
I finally get the situation I am in with my siblings. My brother is delaying settling the estate. The lawyer will eventually find a way to make him settle the estate. My brother has said for several years he will contact realtors about selling a certain property and never has done so. I will have to contact a realtor myself for all the properties, get bids, and then have a third party contact my siblings with the offers.
It is all very sad. At least now, I get it. I know who my siblings are. I also now know who I am. I am going to try to get third parties to deal with my siblings as much as possible. In the meantime, I am working on becoming the best person I can be. Contacting the lawyer and letting him know it would not work for him to represent my sister and I made me feel proud and stand tall. I didn't take the bait this time, and get embroiled in an endless battle with my sister, and pay all kinds of money to the lawyer to have him advise her on how unreasonable, unconventional, and illegal all her conditions for selling the cottage are.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Thank you for your thoughts. I believe we are thinking along similar lines. I will be working behind the scenes to get bids for the cottage. My sister will never let me buy the cottage unless she makes me suffer endlessly in the process, or she buys it from me for an unreasonably low price. I will leave it up to my sister to do whatever she is going to do, as I can't control her, while drawing my line in the sand when I have to. In the next month or so, I am going to have to do something about the money she is transferring from our accounts to her personal account.  
I finally get the relationships I am in with my siblings. My brother is delaying settling the estate. The lawyer will eventually find a way to make him settle the estate. My brother has said for several years he will contact a realtor about selling a certain property and never has done so. I will have to contact realtors myself for all the properties, get bids, and then have a third party contact my siblings with the offers.
It is all very sad. At least now, I get it. I know who my siblings are. I also now know who I am. I am going to try to get third parties to deal with my siblings as much as possible. In the meantime, I am working on becoming the best person I can be. Contacting the lawyer and letting him know it would not work for him to represent my sister and I made me feel proud and stand tall. I didn't take the bait this time, and get embroiled in an endless battle with my sister, and pay all kinds of money to the lawyer to have him advise her on how unreasonable, unconventional, and illegal all her conditions for selling the cottage are.