Feeling like I am the only one doing the work

[Hope1708]

Good morning, I am nervous to make this first very vulnerable post. But here it goes.

My fiancé and I have been together almost 3 years. We are both divorced - his divorce was based in her cheating on him which destroyed him, he then lost his home to foreclosure due to uncovered flooding issues, and then his job. His father was a verbally abusive alcoholic (though he believes he was physically abusive and his mother says that’s a lie). I have an 8 yr old son who adores him - at times he was blowing up at him but I set the boundary and expectation and it has changed.

However, he outright refuses to discuss anything when we have issues. For instance, this week I was extremely anxious one day (I’m generally very calm and even tempered), I told him I was feeling this way - also had a job interview for a promotion at work the next day adding to my anxiety.  I snapped at him and he got mad and shut down. I apologized, and he refused to talk to me for 4 days. This tends to be the cycle, about once a month but not always that long. Then he expects things to just go back to normal, because that’s what has been happening. No discussion of what happened, how i felt, how it effected me. Feels to be no care for me.

I’m trying very hard to understand that this is a part of the whole episode. That when he’s feeling somewhat better, we might have a conversation. But we also very well might not.  He went to counseling with me about a year and a half ago, but now refuses to go to counseling and often refuses to talk about things “because all we do is fight”. I go to counseling myself and my counselor knows that we (myself, his mom and sister who is a licensed counselor) believe him to be undiagnosed BPD. He has 5-6 of the 9 characteristics traits. She has been helping me with how to handle things for myself.

But I am at a point where I’m wondering - will it always be me doing the work? Will I ever have the support I need when I need it? Are my expectations too high? I love this man with all my heart - but I feel played often because he won’t do the work. I feel he should want to work on things.

I am on the fence whether to stay or go. I don’t know how long or if I should let my son continue to be subject to this. But then, my son is so compassionate, he understands and let’s him be when he’s shutdown. I guess I ultimately need coping skills, to understand what he’s thinking/feeling, how BPD works from his side so I know the best way to handle it for him, for me and my son.

I’ve been trying not to feed into his attempts for attention, but then I don’t know if I then am making him feel more alone.

He’s tried to leave numerous times over the years only to come crying back. A couple of months ago, I told him to go and he refused. Said I owed him money for what he did on my house (I owned the house from before my divorce - it’s in my name only and I pay all the bills. He works part time and contributes but his contribution doesn’t even cover half the mortgage let alone the food for his dogs, utilities, etc. While I don’t mind being the breadwinner, this demand for “his portion” blew my mind.)

Well, thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[paperinkart]

Hi there! I’m sorry I don’t have answers for you but just wanted to say that I completely relate to this “once a month” cycle. I’m currently in the middle of day 5 of silence, wondering if I’m ever going to hear from him again, after a tiny argument we had on Tuesday.

It also feels like I am the only one trying to make it better. He says over and over he wants to be better and he understands his behaviour is unhealthy and hurtful...but the cycles continue.

I wish I had something more helpful to say but you’re not alone.

Best of luck!

[Hope1708]

Thank you so much for your message! I’m trying to learn and read what I can to save my sanity. I’ve gotten significantly stronger and have lessened my expectations for his response. It’s just so sad that at the beginning I could rely on him for everything, but not know. And I feel that he is often trying to push my buttons. I’m trying the “grey rock” thing I’ve read. Just don’t respond. And then he questions me on it to push some more. I have been trying to just shrug my shoulders and move on. Figuring eventually he will let up. Trying to be super firm with my boundaries for myself and him.

[Handabear]

Hi,
I feel the same way you do about my girlfriend. We fight and she throws illogical accusations at me and calls me names, but then feels so bad and even states she wants the behavior to change, then it just ends up happening again.
I'm not sure how to cope with it either, but I'm going to keep reading more about the disorder. It makes me feel less alone. I think it's important to set boundaries, but I'm not sure how to do that in a healthy way and follow through on those boundaries without feeling like I'm hurting her.
I often feel hopeless, like I will only ever be the one supporting her and she'll never support me.
I try to remember that if she gets treatment and we continue to learn more about ways to better handle our fights, then it will get better.

[GaGrl]

Men times, we talk n this forum of having to be the Emotional Leader in a relationship. That may be the situation in which you find yourself.

Does that resonate with you? Are you willing to play that role, or do you need more of a reciprocal emotional relationship?

This means some deep reflection.