6 year relationship with undiagnosed BPD. Recently separated, now what?

[LeoBloom]

Hi everyone and thanks for having me in this group.

I have been living in a highly volatile relationship for the last 6 years and I have only recently been introduced to the concept of BPD. I was given a copy of the  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book  by a friend who has a child diagnosed with BPD and it has been a revelation to me that my experience is shared by many people. I am loathe to make unqualified diagnoses but when I read that book I felt an instant recognition of the characteristics and traits in my partner. Mine is a long story and I need to give some background to explain how I got here so please forgive me for the wordiness.

My partner and I have a history going back nearly 20 years when we met as new recruits at work. When we met we had an alchemical attraction to each other but something held me back from starting a relationship with this person at the time. This girl was creative, intelligent and ambitious and I had a pretty low self esteem and a poor track record of relationships up until then. Consequently, I broke it off because I did not feel that I could give her what she needed.

Some time after that, I recommenced a relationship with an earlier partner, more out of shared circumstances than any strong feelings that we held for each other. This relationship was convenient and familiar but lacking passion but as time went by bought a house had two children together. Ten years later my wife completely blindsided me by announcing that she had been having a long standing affair and was leaving me. I was shocked and devastated, but being devoted to my kids, I focussed my energy on sharing the care of them with my (now ex) wife and put my own life on hold.

About a year after my wife and I formally separated, I made contact with my old flame through LinkedIn (we work in the same profession) and we arranged to meet. It was immediately apparent that the attraction was strong as it ever had been and it felt like no time at all had passed since we last saw each other although it was more than 10 years. Initially, we started tentatively dating although I knew that she was also dating other people. The more we saw of each other however, the more devoted we became. We both shared many interests in common and our passion for each other became intense. It was at this time that I started to see some of my partners BP behaviours come to light in the shape of extreme mood swings, binge drinking and angry outbursts toward me. I noticed that she defined herself by her career as an art curator and had what I felt was a narcissistic view of her own talents and career. If she perceived even the slightest criticism she would attack me, even when there was none or the criticism originated with someone else.

Circumstances were not kind to us in the beginning of our relationship as we both suffered several personal setbacks which saw us living together much sooner than perhaps we should have. It is regrettable that I was completely unprepared for the complexities of a blended family and the introduction to cohabiting and my kids joining the relationship became a trigger for for my partner's anxiety and BP.

During our first year together my partner tried very hard to be loving step-parent to my two girls (then aged 5 and 7) and would go to great lengths and expense to please them. However, any misbehaviour from the kids or perceived failures in her step parenting were perceived my her as a major affront to her efforts which resulted in extreme rage towards me (and eventually towards the children) that would involve several bottles of wine and would go on for hours. I found myself trying to avoid triggering her (although I didn't know what these were at this time) and shield the kids from her outbursts.

About 18 months into living together, my partner challenged me about having a child together. We had discussed this previously but I had been wary owing to the instability in our relationship. At the time she said that having a child of her own would make it easier to love her step children as it would even the equation and I acquiesced because I loved her greatly and I wanted our family to work. Before long, my partner was pregnant and our son was born in our third year together.

My partner's anxiety and outbursts increased in frequency and severity during her pregnancy but following a pretty traumatic birth, she entered into a period of severe post natal anxiety that was typified by extreme acting out and dissociative behaviour.  Often she would oscillate between periods of being too afraid to leave the house for days on end and bouts of heavy drinking where she would be abusive to me and the kids, go out by herself to bars and clubs and come home in the small hours of the morning full of drink and belligerence. Finally, after passing out she would wake sometime the next day and claim that she had not been aggressive at all or that her actions were entirely reasonable in response to me trying to control or tame her 'aberrant' spirit.

This has gone on for years now and my partner has developed irrational beliefs that my ex-partner and I are conspiring to get back together and leave her and that my eldest daughter is manipulating me to separate use. Her fixation about my ex and my daughters is extreme and unhealthy. Over the years the police been called several times and my ex wife has taken out an intervention order against my partner and forbidden me to have the girls when she is around on the basis of her emotional abuse toward my eldest daughter.

It is to my shame that I have allowed this to happen and go on so long but I truely love my partner and wanted so desperately to have a happy family with her and my kids. Whenever I have tried to discuss our relationship with my partner she has accused me of being the cause of all of her problems and any suggestion that we separate or even get counselling been with wails of despair and pleading for another chance. During our time together I have lost my job because I was taking too much time off to look after her, I have lost most of my friends and almost lost my family.

After 6 years my partner has found a new job that she feels is worthy of her credentials and she has moved to the other side of the city in what we have been considering a trial separation. I am able to have a my kids in my house again and I am looking forward to the prospect of soon starting a new job myself. It is not over however because I get strings of text messages from her daily that begin lovingly and descend into abuse and threats by the small hours. She has been contacting my friends and family to accuse them of conspiring to separate us and she's been threatening to fight me for custody of our son. We currently have an agreement that we share custody 50/50, however she is manipulating the situation with the Covid-19 pandemic to ensure that she has him more frequently. Although I have a certain amount of peace in my life, I am really concerned for our son. He has been witness to some horrible fights between his mother and I and has had a very unstable life so far. When my partner is travelling well, she is a wonderful and creative woman and a very caring mother, but when she becomes becomes fixated on her work or her anxieties about our relationship she drinks and becomes neglectful or even aggressive toward him.

The last 6 years have been the hardest of my life and although I love my partner with all my heart I cannot continue to live in that way. I wish that we could have had a more healthy relationship but I feel that all I can do is try to care for my kids and support her from a distance. For the first time in years, I have taken on board the need protect my own mental health so I know that I can't go back to living with her the way we were. I don't know what the future holds for us but I hope that we can find some sort of equilibrium where both our needs are met and perhaps we can continue to share some of the things that we both love about each other.

Thank you for listening.

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