Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:38:36 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Left family after knowing a BPD, who also left her family...before her diagnose  (Read 644 times)
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« on: July 05, 2020, 04:06:10 PM »

Hi
I need your advice: I am in an on going break up with a girl with bpd. We left our families as we met each other. We work at the same place. But a lot of very strange actions from her took place as I wanted to move in slowly with respect towards ny family. The actions made me take a step back and that again made her actions even more strange and inacceptable. Our intimacy is incredible. She is very intelligent and works with her issues.But I couldnt tolerate her behaviour and I left her...I thought... It is so hart to leave. I love her, miss her deeply, but my common sense says I have to leave...
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2020, 04:19:54 PM »


Welcome

I'm so glad you found us.  We can help you work through the incredibly confusing things that come up when people have "BPDish" behaviors.

I will also say that when your "common sense" is telling you something strongly, I would advise you to be listen carefully.

Can you tell us more details?

I'll check back later.

Best,

FF
Logged

Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 02:29:04 AM »

Hi
Thank you! I really have lost my compass on this one and I´m suffering like never before because of that.
I´ll try to make a long story (very) short...We fell in love a year and a half ago - and saw each other secretly here and there until her husband found out and wrote my wife. My BPD left her family (and 4 kids) and waited for me to move out to. I instisted on not seeing her secretly for the two months I was living in my house - I did not want to hurt my family and wife any more. And then all kinds of things happened...My BPD had shown some strange behaviour before that with uncontrolled alcoholissues etc. Now she started showing extrem egoistic manners - trying to get the apartments that I wanted (to be near my kids) AND lying about it. Started flirting with my nearest colleague to get some attention that she missed from me. We talked about trust etc. - I know I just showed some trust issues myself of course, cheating on my wife. But we´we had som trouble the last years. And you cannot start a new relationship with big trustissues...So our vicious circle began. I hesitated and she panicked. Again and again. I´m soo attracted to her. We communicate very well. She is very smart and reflected. Our intimacy is absolutely wonderful, not just the sex. But I  have the feeling, I cannot go "all in". Because she dangerous to me in some way. I miss her deeply, when she is away. But then again, what ist real life and what is my imagination...As I found out that she - after our intense talk about trusting each other and that I wanted a pause from her to calm myself - went to the colleague´s house to visit him (to ask him about me, she said) AND again lied about it...I went to her place and told her "it´s over"...She collapsed and I feared for her life! She said, she needed help and went to a clinic for 10 weeks and got her diagnosis BDP. After this she seems more relaxed - we seen each other some times again - she tells me "I´m the love of her life" and she wants to wait for me. And again I´m there now: Just left her again (but to leave her once and for all is soo difficult for me, thinking: I have these great feelings for her, but her behaviour is so strange to me and she has trespassed my boundaries over and over again). Am I completely naiive? To hope she "just" learns more about this and then I can have my "dream girl"...
Don´t forget there 6 kids around that are hoping there parents are maturing and in balance some how... I have a wonderful communication with my ex...  Here "i´ve also been reading about hopes and successes dealing with BPD, but first of all I have this common sense in me saying, get sane out of there now - and get through the hell that is waiting you in terms of suffering, missing, moarning. ..I would really like some advice from you, who understand my situation. Thank you
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 10:12:49 AM »

Though it may seem strange, I'm moving your posts to the Bettering Board. Certainly you are undecided at the moment on how to proceed and you've observed many troubling issues. On the Bettering Board, you'll learn more about this disorder and how to protect yourself from problems arising from it, as you come to a firm decision about what you want to do about this relationship.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2020, 04:07:48 PM »

Hi. Thanks, but could you explain why you moved me there? Just want to know☺️
And: do you have an advice with all your expertise?
I really want to know if you can see if I’m just just being naiiv.
Is this real love or unhealthy attachment with attraction...Am I being controlled by my feelings that are deciding where I am going without any common sense? Thanks
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2020, 06:35:10 AM »

Hi again

Can any one relate to my ongoing internal fight between common sense and my deep feelings in my realtionship? A voice in me tells me to get away from my BPDgf but I keep having these attacks - like some drug - where I so miss her and our intimacy. At the same time, I cannot let myself go all in... it’s such a difficult internal fight
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2020, 06:36:47 AM »

diagnose
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2020, 06:35:10 AM »
Reply with quoteExcerpt  Modify messageModify
Hi again

Can any one relate to my ongoing internal fight between common sense and my deep feelings in my realtionship? A voice in me tells me to get away from my BPDgf but I keep having these attacks - like some drug - where I so miss her and our intimacy. At the same time, I cannot let myself go all in... it’s such a difficult internal fight
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2020, 06:46:14 PM »

Excerpt
Because she dangerous to me in some way.

Excerpt
internal fight between common sense and my deep feelings in my realtionship?

What I’m hearing from your posts is conflict. You have conflicted feelings - there’s something that doesn’t align with you internally. You’re not completely synchronized internally with what’s going on externally.

You mentioned the bad behaviors and it sounds like they’re deal breakers for you and it could be that your conflicted because you don’t like some of the things that you’re experiencing with her if you forge ahead.

What do you think?
« Last Edit: July 11, 2020, 06:51:27 PM by Mutt » Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2020, 07:30:22 AM »

Thanks...
Yes, that is exactly my state of mind... and its costing me soo much energy. She talks about me as the love of her life and has acted quite another way...she is in treatment and understands my internal conflict...and waits for me to go all in ir ‘all out ‘...I am so attached to her filled with strong emotions and passion, the perfect intimate relationship, and at the same time I’m aware of the fact that I cannot accept or tolerate these kind of actions and distrust. Now she is promising everything and that she ‘found a new healthy way ‘...it’s a deep internal conflict, yes...And it seems very very hard to find a solution...
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2020, 11:56:11 AM »


Excerpt
and waits for me to go all in ir ‘all out ‘.

You mentioned other things that raises an alarm bell for you. You’re attracted to the intensity of the r/s and it’s the same thing as the all in or all out, a pwBPD are on either side of the spectrum in regards to being extreme there’s really no middle ground or grey area.

BPD doesn’t define a person, you are a person that has a mental illness that is on a spectrum and is categorized for treatment.

What she brings to the table in regards to the intensity which is a plus for us is also a part of the all or nothing thinking which is something that you would have to accept.

Excerpt
And it seems very very hard to find a solution...

It’s complicated it takes time to work through this stuff. I understand you’re probably feeling pressurized from her she wants you to give her what she wants right now and that’s taking up a lot of your energy.

You don’t have to give into that I suggest you find things that you enjoy doing to replenish those reserves. What do you like to do for self care? I’ll mention a few things like resistance training, running, cycling, yoga, meditation, get some sunlight, express gratitude and to compliment that are you eating enough? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you drinking enough water? All of those things are good for your body and mind and to extend that spirituality if you are spiritual person or not. It’s really important to take of yourself because it helps you deal with these stressors a lot easier . That’s a strategy that will help you but there’s no quick fix here I would suggest to take the time you need to process this because you have a history with your soon to be ex, you have kids as well there’s a dynamic there that’s complicated.

If you signal to her that you give her what she wants she demands it then your setting precedence it’s a lot easier to set house rules at the beginning of a r/s that setting house rules years into a r/s.

She’s laid it out for you and you don’t have to follow her right away if you don’t want to. Let her be like that, you’ve probably seen her swing from extremes and even forget about an issue that seemed it was the end of the world at that time for her and she has no recollection of it a couple of later. My point is when she gets like this it’s going to be like this for a period and it will change just as quickly as it came.

Have you witnessed her feelings being like quicksilver? It changed rapidly from one extreme to the other?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2020, 12:16:45 PM »

Thanks a lot.
You’re right. And I do a lot of the things you mentioned. I just easily fall into the same thought. It’ s seems a bit hopeless, but it is about a choice...a really hard one.
Yes, she turns around emotionally, but tries to hide it. The thing is, I don’t know how much she is trying to impress me with her new behaviour and ways or if its a real ‘turn over’...so tough to see the real deal
Thanks for your time
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2020, 12:49:15 PM »

Excerpt
so tough to see the real deal

She’ll cause a lot of distractions. It’s a part of the disorder as long as you identify that it’s a distraction or sense that something is off reach to others when you need advice and somebody will it point it out that it’s a distraction. You’re right it’s tough, you’re  not alone.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 12:54:50 PM by Mutt » Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2020, 02:48:13 PM »

Quote from: Newdane
I am so attached to her - filled with strong emotions and passion, the perfect intimate relationship

You may feel that you have the perfect sexual relationship, and that could be the case.  Have you considered that you could be addicted to this person?  You may want to revisit whether the relationship truly fits the definition of "the perfect intimate relationship".  Her negative traits, would make that impossible, per the mainstream definition of an intimate relationship.

Here is what Psychology Today says about defining an intimate relationship

The 7 Elements That Define an Intimate Relationship
As per Miller's (2014) summary of the works of Ben-Ari and Lavee (2007), the happiest intimate relationships differ in contrast to casual relationships in seven distinct ways:

1. Knowledge

When forming deep, intimate relationships, we share a vast amount of personal information that we wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable sharing with others. Of course, the amount of information may differ from one person to the next; research shows that women, on average, tend to share more intimate information with their friends as well as partners, in comparison to men, who generally reserve more intimate topics for their partners. Nonetheless, with our intimate partners in healthy relationships, we feel safe sharing our deepest dreams, desires, fears, past histories, traumas, and goals for the future. Generally, this is a reciprocal and gradual process.

2. Interdependence

Intimate relationships also tend to be highly interdependent, wherein each partner influences the other meaningfully, frequently, and vastly, in terms of topic and importance. This can range from choosing what to eat for dinner to where to live.

3. Care

Care is another hallmark of healthy intimate relationships. There is a considerable amount of care each partner places in the other, and this differs from the care that one would typically display to another, non-intimate person. Intimate partners thus show concern for each other's well-being, comfort in times of distress, and safekeeping the other from harm. While the display of care can differ from one person to the next (as a function of communication style or differing displays of affection, for instance), intimate partners tend to display genuine, selfless care for each other.

4. Trust

In my opinion, trust is what holds the other six components of intimacy together. Trust is a difficult concept to discuss because of its complexity, but we certainly feel it even without fully being able to define it. In my estimation, trust is the confidence that we place in another human being to act in a way of honor and fairness that is of benefit to us, or at the very least, that our partner will not cause us purposeful harm.

5. Responsiveness

Healthy intimate relationships involve partners who are mutually responsive to each other's needs. This means recognizing, understanding, and supporting each other, both in times of pain (e.g., losing a parent or a job) and gain (e.g., getting a promotion, announcing a pregnancy). When each partner feels like the other meets his or her needs, this culminates in feeling appreciated and loved.

6. Mutuality

After a certain point within a healthy intimate relationship, each partner recognizes a close connection and changes his or her view from "me" to "we." For instance, wherein at the beginning of a relationship, a partner may say, "Mark and I are going to out of town this weekend," when the relationship deepens, both partners change their view of themselves, as well as their lexicon: "We are going out of town this weekend."

7. Commitment

Lastly, within healthy intimate relationships, there is a mutual volition for wanting the relationship to continue indefinitely, which further allows the other six components of intimacy to grow. With the idea that the relationship is to continue for an indeterminate amount of time, it allows for trust to continue to deepen, common knowledge to further be shared, mutuality to envelop, care to be shown, and continual effort be put into responsiveness and interdependence for both partners.
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2020, 03:51:49 PM »

Thanks a lot.
I look inside to try to know this addiction better. She represents that what I have been missing, I suppose ..but when I go there and get stucked in the image of the perfect intimacy I forget the whole picture (of real lasting intimacy) But cannot ignore that and I cannot ignore my selfrespect. Icannot ignore the fact that I’m a role model for my kids
Thanks again
Logged
Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2020, 09:21:16 PM »

I cannot ignore the fact that I’m a role model for my kids
  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It's good that you are thinking about your kids.  Time spent with them is precious and being a good role model can be so important.

How were your role models?  Did/do your parents have a healthy relationship?

The decision of whether you stay in the relationship is yours.  You might find the logic shared in the article at the link below helpful.  I've included a few excerpts as well:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201312/getting-out-addictive-relationship
Quote from: psychology today
One of my favorite authors is Eckhart Tolle who wrote The Power of Now. He talks about how to move from addictive relationships to enlightened relationships, and his ideas are worth thinking about deeply.

A relationship that feels addictive is basically one that brings you pain, embodies a love/hate dynamic, and is frequently disrupted by conflicts, dissatisfactions, and emotional or even physical violence. It seems addictive because despite being aware of how dysfunctional the relationship is, you keep buying into the dynamics, you keep participating in the conflict, and you keep being focused on what the other person is doing wrong and what the other person needs to do to make things right.

The only way out of an addictive relationship is to change how you function, what you are willing to put up with, and to develop the courage to make changes. Eckhart Tolle suggests the first thing to do is to be present. I find this to be especially difficult when the present moment is hostile, hurtful, scary and invalidating. I have noticed, however, that one of the main ways we keep ourselves involved in addictive, negative, and hurtful relationships is to pretend that this negative present moment isn’t happening. I hear clients frequently say: “Oh, he really didn’t mean it that way,” “She’s not always so mean,” “He can’t help it,” and “If I just give in, she’ll be nice again.” These are all ways to not be in the present moment.

In addictive relationships, we leave the present moment and flee to the past or to the fantasy of a better future because we don’t want to actually acknowledge that in this moment we are being abused, attacked, and harmed by someone who has said they love us. In this way, we discount and invalidate our very own experience just so we can stay in the addictive relationship, just so we won’t have to make a change in our lifestyle, just so we don’t rock the boat.

What do we learn about our relationship, the person who is acting in an abusive fashion, and our own wants, needs, and feelings by staying present? We can learn who we are, what we think, what we feel, and what we want by tuning into the present moment instead of a delusional fantasy. As a result, we have the opportunity to make better, more effective choices about what to do in the present to make our lives and relationships better. Instead of falling into the fog of helplessness and hopelessness, we can connect with our true selves and take new actions based on reality in the present moment. We can take new actions, follow a new path and make real changes based on what we actually feel and want in the present instead of relying on some unrealistic hope of future change in the other person.
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2020, 10:41:14 PM »

You’re good! And right...and it is exactly where I am at right now. Hurtful but necessary.
Thanks a lot!
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2020, 10:45:14 PM »

And, no by the way, my parents are not role models regarding a healthy relationship (with each other) they got divorced when I was 4. And never had a healthy communication afterwards. But they found new partners for life
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #17 on: August 08, 2020, 01:04:47 PM »

Hi there
I broke up with my BPDgf a month ago. Or tried so...I’ve tried NoContact
but I’m not succeding...I still think about her all day long...But I KNOW it it the right decision, but I miss her and our intimacy a lot...We work together and are going to see each other every day...it has to be right thing for me to get out of this life of drama...my nerves are breaking...and at the same time I read her texts about ‘love of my life, I will always fight for you’, you have nothing to fear’ etc...
The thing is I still have this naive hope, that it all could be so fine and true...
Logged
Newdane

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating/breaking up
Posts: 12


« Reply #18 on: August 09, 2020, 02:30:22 PM »

  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)
Hi there
I broke up with my BPDgf a month ago. Or tried so...I’ve tried NoContact
but I’m not succeding...I still think about her all day long...But I KNOW it it the right decision, but I miss her and our intimacy a lot...We work together and are going to see each other every day...it has to be right thing for me to get out of this life of drama...my nerves are breaking...and at the same time I read her texts about ‘love of my life, I will always fight for you’, you have nothing to fear’ etc...
The thing is I still have this naive hope, that it all could be so fine and true...
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!