After 2 months, ex flaunting

[Carguy]

Hey everyone!

For the last 2 months I have been staying away from my ex while I work on myself and have not seen her face-to-face in that long. She pinged through my ex wife (we're still close friends) a month ago and a few weeks ago I pulled into Walmart (where she works) and I was sitting in my car for not even a full minute responding to a text when she walked behind my car. It could have been coincidental but I have to wonder if she see me pulling in while she was walking out and walked right behind my car to see if she could run into me. Other than that I have mostly stayed out of Walmart and only went in when I know she is not there.

Yesterday I went to a local car show. Some of my friends were showing their cars and a female friend of mine was in town and wanted to meet there. We walked around looking at cars and talking to friends. While I was talking to one guy about his car I could see behind him a girl that from the back that looked like my ex BPD. She had apparently walked past and was only 20 feet away. When she turned around it was my ex. She walked back by  me again. She had a new guy with her.

Shortly after, my female friend and I walked over to the Pavilion. I found out my ex BPD was entered in the pin-up girl contest. We stood there for a few minutes in the crowd and then I told my friend that I was going to go over and talk to my other friend about his car that was in the show. I walked over there and within a few minutes my ex BPD came walking up the side of my friend's car and past us maybe ten feet away and over to the food truck with the new guy.

I'm pretty sure she was watching me and making it a point to walk by me to flaunt the new guy. A few other times I seen her through the day. I just acted like I didn't even see her or even knew she was on the same Planet as me. It did hurt a little to see her with another guy but I'm pretty sure she was trying to trigger me and get attention from me. She probably was also trying to see who I was with or what I was doing. I wasn't going to give her that.

Really it did trigger me inside and I guess I need to vent a little. I am proud of myself that I paid no attention to it in her presence.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I mean yeah, she's basically stalking you. Maybe she found out you were going to the event and so she went to it and signed up to be a pinup girl?

If she stalks you much more, you might want to consider a restraining order, if you have grounds for that.

Most likely she is trying to get you to want her, and is trying to show off the new boyfriend so she can be like "See, I'm amazing, my life is amazing, you suck, it was all your fault things went sour".But in reality she is gonna screw up her new relationship too. Hell it might already be having serious problems, considering she might be trying to get you jealous and wanting her.

[Carguy]

Hi Building!

I actually doubt she knew for sure that I was going to this event. The only one that knew was my female friend that I met up with and she doesn't even really know my ex BPD.

It is possible that she had a feeling I would be there though. She knows that I am a huge car person (even my career is cars, bodywork and paint) and that I would possibly show up. I don't go to a lot of car shows anymore but I do attend some of them.

I don't know that she physically stalks me. I doubt it. She might look at my Facebook profile though. She had me blocked for a year-and-a-half and then several months ago when I told her I was going to go no contact she did a 180 and apologized and was all sweet to me for a few days. She even unblock me on Facebook after not unblocking me when we were together and I mentioned it. She still has me unblocked so she might be looking at my profile. I doubt she drives past my house or anything like that though.

I kind of got that feeling too. She was trying to make me jealous and want her. I also feel like she was trying to get my attention and have me fight for her. In the past she told me she want someone who will fight for her.

I don't doubt that this relationship will go south. All of her past relationships that I now know of have. Some only lasted a month and some lasted up to seven months. This includes friendships. When we first got together, shortly after her best friend and her had a falling out. The four years that we were together she didn't have any close friends. When we split up within the same month she had a new best friend. 7 or 8 months later that one went South too.

The thing I did find interesting was every time I seen her walk by with this guy or walking around the show with this guy they were never holding hands or had their arms around each other. They were just walking next to each other and talking. At the end before I left they were sitting over on a picnic table for quite a while just talkin. Not holding hands or any arms around each other. I found that strange. Especially in the new relationship when it's the honeymoon phase. You may be right. Things may be going south already. I don't know that they've been seeing each other long or maybe they haven't gotten serious yet in the same turn too. Who knows?

I just visited with friends and laughed and smiled and enjoyed myself. I enjoyed walking around with my female friend I'm looking at cars. I know that will bother her more than anything. It's very true. The best revenge is to live a good life. From what I have read they hate it when they see you out and happy again and enjoying your life. That bothers them more than anything.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Makes sense, guess I should have realized that since your name is Carguy

[Carguy]

Sorry, I had to finish that whole thing. I hit the wrong button and it posted it before I was even done with it. LOL

[Cromwell]

I am proud of myself that I paid no attention to it in her presence.

Hey Carguy,

Good for you, I imagine that it must have been something of a surprise element to just suddenly see her there. just interested what did you make of the new guy (before you ignored his very existence)

[Carguy]

Hey Cromwell!

It was a bit of a surprise but inside I wondered if I would run into her there. She loves old cars too.

Honestly the new guy is tall and not attractive. My friends that seen him and my sister thought the same thing. My sister thought it looked as if maybe he's a little mentally slow too. He kind of looks like he may be. I'm not being mean and would never say that to anyone outside my group that thought this. He's likely a real nice guy.

2 years ago when we were apart for a few weeks she started seeing another guy and I recently found out who he was. I met him in the hardware store and he was a nice guy too but he has some birth defects as well. He seems pretty smart but physically he's got something going on.

I have read in the past that it is common for them to go after easier targets after the relationship ends.

[Cromwell]

Hi CarGuy,

Yea I have heard that before. a guy is preferred to who is seen as less likely to abandon, less importance on the culturally 'attractive' things - looks, wealth, so on.

thanks for sharing, it was interesting to read and positive, I hope you feel better for venting, does it help?

[Carguy]

It does help. It especially helps when others reply. Kind of validating.

Like building said, she will blow this one up to. He may have a point in the fact that it's entirely possible there's already problems if she's trying to get me jealous and wanting her.

One of the thoughts I had yesterday is by her actions I'm still on her mind and she's not completely over me since she is attempting to flaunt to make me jealous. If she was completely over me she wouldn't go to all the trouble of watching me and walking by me with him. I almost bet he had no idea that she was doing that and probably didn't even know I was the ex.

[Cromwell]

CarGuy,

2 months apart, she will have thought about you in that time.  

Songs can be triggers, films, a cooking smell, a tattoo, other associated things.  My ex confided in me that during no contact she cried during a certain song, (I got in contact with her 9 months later)

I felt slightly stirred by that revelation, but not much as I might have done 2 months after being no contact when I felt still more connection and the feelings were still relatively more heightened than when they cooled down over time.

I believe there is a correlation between what is important to us as related to how much we think about it. The relationship, the resulting emotions, were for a period of time a prime focus to me, but this altered itself incrementally as I worked on it. It is only possible to say so by going through it and reflecting back now of how it went, your mileage will vary but I found tips and guides that I believe helped, as much as just venting, sharing, and thinking about stuff - it all played part of going towards my goals, I hope you find also what you are looking for. thank you.

[Carguy]

Thank you Cromwell.

We've been apart since last November so it's been about 8 months but I have made attempts in the past to reach out to her and most the time it is met with her anger. A few times it wasn't and one time when it was I told her I would just going to go no contact. She did a 180 and was nice to me for a few days then she 180'd back. 2 months ago when I was trying to reach out she just got angry so I decided it was best for me to just go no contact and stay away. It was hurting me too much. I'm sure she has thought about me from time to time but I don't know that it would be any positive thoughts.

My sister thinks that since I ignored her and didn't give her any attention like she wanted she might try to get ahold of me here sometime soon. I don't know that she will. I guess anything is possible though. She has tried pinging a few times in the past couple of months and it has been surprising to me.

[Cromwell]

2 months ago when I was trying to reach out she just got angry so I decided it was best for me to just go no contact and stay away. It was hurting me too much.

I hear you and relate. I closed up shop so to speak, when I felt it got to that point where you only know you reached it when you reach it, our own level of pain tolerance.

My issue I think is, the recovery from the pain then made it easier to go back. After all, if the only reason I left was because it had been painful to stay - what other reason is there not to try again once the pain has alleviated a bit? Sort of like playing a sport, get the wind knocked out of you, but maybe fit enough to rejoin it again later.

However the relationship would have ended, it could have been a textbook perfect closure - if such a thing even exists, im sure some people try their best to offer "how to".

I cant imagine it would not have hurted deeply anyway, such is the suffering that goes with attachment.

[Carguy]

Cromwell,

I can very much relate to thinking it's okay to go back after the pain has subsided some. I have to be careful of this.

Talking to my sister this morning who has had her share of borderlines in her life, she is very convinced that my ex going to the car show was a very planned thing. Yes, my ex loves old cars and has attended a car show or two with me in the past but she also knows that cars are a huge part of my life. Even my career.

My sister also believes that knowing I very possibly would be there that my ex entered the pin-up girl contest so not only would I see her but that I would even hear her name over the speakers when they were announcing them. It could be possible since I have never known her to enter any beauty pageants or contest like that. She also does not have the 50s pin up girl look. She is petite and wasn't even dressed in 50s style clothing. A lot of people were questioning that.

She does have a point I believe. My sister said coming from a girl, in this stage everything is a strategy and believes that the car show, pin-up girl contest, and maybe even the guy was all part of the strategy.

I know in the last six months there have been a few times that she has popped up in my field of view. One of them might have been coincidental, one of them seemed like it might have been intentional but I wasn't sure (although this car show now makes me believe it was), and one time was very out of character and odd and pretty obvious. My sister says she is trying to stay in my view therefore stay in my thoughts. The therapist I listen to online says they do stuff like that to try to stay in your mind.

My sister has also very convinced that my ex will either ramp it up since I didn't give her response and still havn't or try to directly contact me. I thought she likely wouldn't but now at this point looking back at some of the things she has done that has surprised me and thinking about this weekend at the car show makes me wonder if maybe I was wrong.

What are your thoughts on this? I know this is something I should probably be prepared for in case it does happen.

[Cromwell]

Carguy,

my thoughts are not to get distressed, over think, the "im being stalked" by her aspect. I get everything you said of why it can feel that way, it is a form of relief just to see you there - the way things ended is like from your side you pulled a switch permanently off and she has to face up to that - from an emotional side and BPD - not so striaghtforward.

Can I ask how you felt to see her at that moment when you talked to friends and pretended not to have seen her. if she would have walked over and said "Hi" - would you have still ignored her?

sorry it took me a few days to reply I hope you have been keeping well.

[Carguy]

Honestly it's not really distressing for me. Inside I have been feeling like a lot of stories from other guys. How can someone you loved so much for so long  just walk away like you didn't matter? I guess to me inside, her walking by a couple of times to not only try to flaunt and possibly charm me, but to see what I was doing and who I was with makes me feel like maybe it wasn't so easy for her to walk away. Like maybe she wasn't completely over me. Maybe I did mean something.

I think for a lot of us the feeling of them just walking away like we didn't mean anything hurts deeply. Her actions of pinging and now this make me feel a little better. I brought up to my therapist that she had put on some weight since last November and he made the comment about that possibly says something about her mental state. It came across to me in a way that maybe she had been feeling down and depressed about this too and put on some weight. In a way that makes me feel like maybe I meant something too.

So you're saying it was some relief for her to see me there? Maybe even though she hides it well, she has been missing me? I would think she has but then part of me questions if she has.

I felt some anxiety, some sadness cause I do still have strong feelings for her and miss her, and some hurt/jealousy cause she was with another guy.

If she had came over and said hi I would have smiled and said hi back. Possibly ask how she's been. If she was more direct I would be friendly to her. I don't have ill feelings towards her. Honestly I don't say anything to her or try to interact because I'm emotionally scared. Just about every time I have tried in the recent past (from last November until May when I went no contact) she has became angry and cold. It repeatedly hurt me. The last interaction in May she responded angrily when I was trying to reach out with an olive branch. The repeated hurt from her anger convinced me and emotionally scared me from trying anymore. Now at this point I just really don't dare.

No problem on the response time. I've been pretty busy too. I have been good. I finally got to compete in my highland games yesterday for the first time this year and loved it! I hope you have been doing well too!

[Cromwell]

Hi Carguy

Thats good to hear and thanks ive been doing not too bad at all.

Good to hear you keeping busy and trying out new things, with the car hobby you both enjoyed, I relate here, not so much with cars, although I taught her how to drive and she enjoyed this, but it was especially harder to let go of the relationship with memories of the fun of doing things together and how much we had in common interests.

I think a bit of jealousy but also confusion too, maybe they go together, not quite sure what she was up to. Sometimes my ex would take out her phone and start scrolling through old pictures of her ex, what surprised me the most was that she would start showing me, (all of them) I had a mixture of anger but it was combined with a sense of disbelief and confusion - I sort of felt stalled at that moment like I would normally have been angry but she did it so naturally as if it was something I shouldnt be bothered about. Sometimes id text her mostly when I felt it easier to talk from a distance and after a while she would respond telling me she understands she was wrong to do it and now "sees" why.

intentionally provocative? trying to test my insecurities? manipulative? or something else? confusion reigned but the net result was feeling hurt, jealous and other neg emotions.

Questions can get answers but answers by themselves did not make it less confusing or sweep away the upset. I got a lot of "im sorry" from her, but that was it, nice to hear, but I just got the feeling she was apologising without knowing why.

If you believe she is flaunting the new guy, Id see it as either she has tested your jealously levels before and thinks it will work, or is trying it now, she will have some perception in her mind of how secure you are about competition. Just sharing my thoughts and rooting for you to keep going on, sounds all positive.

[Carguy]

Cromwell,

I think you may be right about her testing my jealousy. A couple of years ago while we were apart she was with another guy. At the time I thought we were working on things because we were spending time together and then on a Sunday she came to my house and told me about the other guy. It stung but I told her I forgave her and then later we had sex. She may have been expecting me to react and chase her and reach out to her again. I think she was also checking to see who I was with.

So I got curious and look at her Facebook profile. Her profile picture is still just of her (no couples picture), has no relationship status but still has older pictures of her and I, my family and I, my son and I, and just me in her albums. I also seen where this guy had liked some of her stuff so I clicked on his profile and he still has his status as single. Interesting. My sister thinks that since she knew there was a good chance I'd be at this car show she went and invited this guy so she wouldn't be walking around alone. She also believes my ex entered the pin-up girl contest so she would be front-and-center if I was there. It is possible.

To me it seems she is ramping up her pinging. It's went from indirect by trying to friend my son on Facebook and going out of her way the to say goodbye to my ex-wife to more direct by watching me and walking by me at the car show.

Since I have stayed away and she hasn't seen me in 2 months or heard from me maybe she is confused. This is not the typical things I do. In the past I was always the one reaching out and it never went this long before I reached out.

It is possible that she will ramp it up some more and I will see more obvious signs as I stay no contact and out of her sight or she might just give up and not trying anymore seeing that her actions haven't work. Truth is I didn't expect that she would do the things she has so there's a very good chance I may see more of this.

[Cromwell]

Hi CarGuy,

I follow you and I get that there is some jealousy but you self soothed. Some guys may have reacted in a more 'dramatic' way so to speak. When it comes to cluster B personality disorders, generally, it involves drama, if it is not there, create some, have a willing partner who will play some role in it.

She may well have been testing how youd respond, as much as it could be a test for the new guy, whatever role he has in her life. How long were you both together, you will have a perception of her as much as she does for you, in terms of personality evaluations.

You think she may likely be surprised by not reaching out in 2 months, what are your thoughts on how you acted at the car show - do you feel it lines up pretty close to the impression she should have expected based on being together previously?

A lot of behaviours are hard to read in terms of what intentions are, people with BPD are often associated with a higher level of impulsivity, it is more spontaneous, less planned. She could have just found out there was a car show that day, phoned the guy to see if he will go too, and in a flurry of emotional dysregulation just impulsively had to go. Part of it may be that she anticipates you could be there, but once that emotional state wears down someone could debrief her and question "why did you go there, what was the point"?

"i dont know!"

What do you mean you dont know? Was it to see your ex, did you miss him, that makes sense?

I dont know, I just did it without thinking really.

Just trying to offer that as a possible explanation CarGuy, if you have experience of any impulsivity from your ex and if it could be a factor. if so, would "I dont know" be an answer that would help you feel better?

[Carguy]

In the past I probably would have stared at her (attention she's likely seeking) but wouldn't have said anything. I likely would have text her later telling her how I missed her or went into Wal-Mart to buy something and bumped into her and told her I missed her or would like to talk or something. This time I didn't look (only a few times did I and she wasn't looking at me) and never text or went into Wal-Mart.

We were together four years. Her perception of me?

I actually do think she's surprised. I have never went this long without reaching out to her and I have never been out of her sight as far as seeing her in person this long. The last time I did something different I did get a different reaction. Back in February when I told her I agreed with her anout only talking about certain things and told her I decided I was just going no contact for my own mental well-being she turned completely around and apologized and was willing to talk and was really sweet. It shocked me! Unfortunately she 180 right back a few days later.

I think the way I reacted not only at the car show but following the car show these last few weeks with still staying no contact and out of Walmart is completely different from what I normally did.

It could very well be that she went to the car show because it sounded fun but I'm sure in the back of her mind she knew I could possibly be there. The guy might have even invited her for all I know. It was surprising and seemed out of character for her to be in the pin-up girl contest though. While we were together I never really noticed impulsivity very far out of the norm. She never really seemed overly impulsive to me.

I know we likely will never know the true reasons of her thinking behind some of the actions. Even if we were back together and I asked her I'm sure she would not admit if it was planned. I guess really what would make me feel better is knowing that it was a planned thing because she was missing me. That I did mean something. That it was hard for her to walk away too. That I wasn't the only one that struggled with this. At the end of the day I just want to know that I meant something. That I still have a special place in her heart like she does mine. I know she won't ever tell me this but it's possible her actions are saying it.

[Cromwell]

Hi CarGuy

It sounds like you are suffering at not knowing, and really want these things that require her to feel them for you, but also to be able to know that she is feeling them. I see the problem of the situation, all it seems to guage is interpreting her behaviour but there are just maybes.

I wonder if its just a case of wait and see, some things in life are maybe beyond complete proof, I did believe my ex loved me but it was based on holding on to thread like fragments of perceived traces of its existence - it  was sufficient for me, it gave me both comfort to mitigate against emotional pain, it gave me hope to continue on. Whether I was loved or not, there was still some byproduct positives of those moments that I believed she did.

[Carguy]

Cromwell,

You're right on that. They are maybe's with hope that she is feeling for me. There is no real way of knowing for sure if what I perceive is real or just hopeful thinking. I really guess only time will truly tell.
 
Someone said she'll let it be known if she wants anything more. I'm not sure she will but I guess only time will tell on that too. I really doubt she will try to contact me or reach out but I could be wrong. I just have to work on myself for now.

To be honest part of me wants to go into Walmart and if I run into her tell her "You know, the hardest part of all this is that I still love you." And just keep walking. She would probably just respond in Anger again like she has in the past or who knows what.

[grumpydonut]

To be honest part of me wants to go into Walmart and if I run into her tell her "You know, the hardest part of all this is that I still love you." And just keep walking. She would probably just respond in Anger again like she has in the past or who knows what. 

I can definitely relate to this. But I don't think she would view this as you would view it if she said it to you. They lack empathy, if anything this will only serve to make her feel special rather than empathise with you.

If you're like me, you just want her to feel something to prove that you weren't / aren't worthless. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. They are emotional children - and yours has proven that in her actions that caused you to start this thread.

[Cromwell]

Cromwell,

You're right on that. They are maybe's with hope that she is feeling for me. There is no real way of knowing for sure if what I perceive is real or just hopeful thinking. I really guess only time will truly tell.
 
Someone said she'll let it be known if she wants anything more. I'm not sure she will but I guess only time will tell on that too. I really doubt she will try to contact me or reach out but I could be wrong. I just have to work on myself for now.

To be honest part of me wants to go into Walmart and if I run into her tell her "You know, the hardest part of all this is that I still love you." And just keep walking. She would probably just respond in Anger again like she has in the past or who knows what.

part of you wants to, part of you does not want to.

maybe she is getting angry because of how long it might appear to be taking you to reach out to her?

in the past you did so, 2 months now is much longer than the usual script of the previous acts.

[Carguy]

Grumpy donut,

How she would view it has been on my mind too. I worry that she would not take it the way I would like her to. Inside it scares me to have her act cold and angry toward me again. Up until I went no contact two months ago, almost every time I reached out she reacted that way.

I would like her to feel something. Sadness over losing me. Missing me. Something to show that I meant something. Really there is no way to tell other than possibly some of her actions recently and the surprising weight gain since we broke up. I may never know 100% though.

Cromwell,

You may have a point.

I know a lot of her anger stems from two things. Last November she started pushing me away again. When I asked her she told me we were just friends and to go live my life. I went on a couple of dates with another girl and ran into her at a restaurant on Thanksgiving with this other girl. After that she was very cold and angry towards me. She even told me she didn't know why she is so angry because she told me to go live my life.

After that she would flip and be nice sometimes if I tried to talk to her then flip right back. At Valentine's she flipped and apologized after I told her I was going no contact when she got angry at me. I bought her flowers and she was excited but a few days later she flipped right back. She told me we could only talk about her kitties at my house ( my mama cat had a litter) or her vehicles on my property.

A few weeks later she was hanging out with another guy and got roses. Inside I felt like if she was moving on and we couldn't even talk unless it was about her stuff on my property then why was I keeping it for her? She really wasn't even being a friend. I text her and told her she had two weeks to move it. She did. I asked her about the kitties and she told me I would have to keep them. After this she has been very cold and angry towards me. She hasn't even 180 back to nice after this.

It was pointed out to me that she was keeping things here in order to keep a connection to me and I cut that connection. My therapist said to her it was a huge rejection.

A month after I had her move her stuff I tried reaching out to her. No response. Every couple of weeks I would try but if it was in person she would just be very angry and cold towards me. In May I had to go no contact because it hurt.

It is possible that maybe she is feeling some anger now because I haven't reached out in two and a half months as where before it would be every couple of weeks. Only one time did I go more than two weeks and that was a year ago when she said she was going to start seeing someone else while we were apart. I went about a month and a half without any contact before reaching out.

I feel bad how things ended with us and I do miss her. I told my therapist that I didn't want her to hate me forever. He assured me that she wouldn't because she has went back and forth in the recent past. After I had her move her stuff though I have not seen her move back to nice so maybe it's permanent this time?

[Cromwell]

I feel bad how things ended with us and I do miss her. I told my therapist that I didn't want her to hate me forever. He assured me that she wouldn't because she has went back and forth in the recent past. After I had her move her stuff though I have not seen her move back to nice so maybe it's permanent this time?

Hi Carguy, how are you doing?

I know it is this last angry conversation has given a lot of pain, 4 years together and it ended like that. My belief is strongly with your therapists opinion. A lot of vocabularly my ex used during the relationship were of the "all or nothing" variety. I think when I connected with her emotionally, it was easy for me over time to let that sway me. "we will be together forever" she declared after I sent her a mildly angry text to leave me alone for awhile. 2 years of no contact invalidates this. This moment right now invalidates this. If I would ever reconcile or get back in contact, it still does. Her behaviours were consistently emotive based, highly labile, at the same time it is hard for me to pinpoint or distinguish moments as "I got split black there", or devaluated, or idealised. The splitting is a defence mechanism as far as I know, the way I see it is that it can kick in near instaneous. Your ex may already have started to feel distressed about things, but to cope through it, reverts back to thinking 'badly' of you.

Its just the layperson way I see it based on what I pick up and how I felt about my own observations. CarGuy I am inspired you have a therapist to guide you through this very confusing form of relationship, the complexity of the illness. Since i have been here I have read of some members being contacted years later, in one case it was over 10 years. There is no such thing as permanent with this regard, how I view it, but I do get how you are feeling right now.

hope you are keeping well and well done for the hard work and progress you have already managed so far.

[Carguy]

Hey Cromwell!

To be honest I've been struggling a little lately. I've been missing her. What you said makes a lot of sense though. With the pinging she's done and what I believe was an attempt to make me jealous and likely see who I was with, it could be her distress of losing me further. I could see her thinking badly of me in order to cope. This could explain the surprising and out of character things she's done yet still acting cold to me.

If this is the case, what would be my best course of action if I want to try to heal this between us? I don't know if we could be a couple again but I hate the coldness between us. I would like to at least be able to say hi and ask how she's been. I miss her friendship.

Tonight I went in Wal-Mart to shop a little and she was under the canopy just outside the doors greeting people and I guess checking for masks? Anyhow when I went in she was talking to some people but when I came out she wasn't. I walked out and as I was crossing the drive  I looked over and she turned her head and looked at me so I did a little wave and said "See ya." I don't know if she heard me but I think she gave a smallnod (not 100% sure) then looked away.

Maybe when I see her I should just start saying hi or hey and when I leave say later, bye, see ya? Some kind of acknowledgment? Just be friendly but keep it short? Maybe she'll start warming up after awhile? What do you think?

[Cromwell]

If this is the case, what would be my best course of action if I want to try to heal this between us? I don't know if we could be a couple again but I hate the coldness between us. I would like to at least be able to say hi and ask how she's been. I miss her friendship.

Maybe when I see her I should just start saying hi or hey and when I leave say later, bye, see ya? Some kind of acknowledgment? Just be friendly but keep it short? Maybe she'll start warming up after awhile? What do you think?

what id suggest is, do everything you want but from a place of emotional safeguarding. If you can manage to say hi and not feel dejected if she ignores you for example, thats what I mean by having safeguarded yourself in advance.

Id be cool about it and not feel forcing it to happen either, as if it were a strong desire or a craving. that just sets up for more upset if the friendship doesnt happen.

be cool 

[Cromwell]

what id suggest is, do everything you want but from a place of emotional safeguarding. If you can manage to say hi and not feel dejected if she ignores you for example, thats what I mean by having safeguarded yourself in advance.

Id be cool about it and not feel forcing it to happen either, as if it were a strong desire or a craving. that just sets up for more upset if the friendship doesnt happen.

be cool 

(I did get in contact again after 9 months, the 'friendship' lasted 3 weeks) it helped me to find closure but I did avoid becoming emotionally connected, safeguarded myself from that perspective.

[Carguy]

Hi Cromwell.

I just talked to my therapist yesterday and he said a lot the same thing. He had me stay away from Wal-Mart and her for awhile. Yesterday I told him I had been in there the day before and i thought I would split up my shopping between there and the other grocery store in town so I'm not in Wal-Mart much.. He thought that would be a good idea. Before he had me stay away for a few months I use to go to Wal-Mart almost daily for some lunch or a few item for home (even before we broke up). Now I will do most of my quick stops at the other grocery store and bigger shopping trips at Wal-Mart (maybe every couple of weeks.

He also told me to not get my hopes up or I could be emotionally hurt if no friendship happens. He said even if she starts saying hello, waving, being cheerful and sweet, or anything.else to be cautious and not get hopeful. I think this is a good idea because I'm not sure she wants any kind of relationship at this point or if she ever will.

Really the thing I have thought is if she starts warming up that's great and a friendship would be good but it likely would have to be a more distant friendship. She has a lot of friends but she can't keep close friendships. She does the same thing to them.

[Cromwell]

Hi CarGuy

The added layer of complexity I would assume, is her being at work? When you walk into Walmart, she has another role to play, greeter at the door for customers and you are a customer her role is to greet. I imagine an added bit of pressure on her side, different from when you were both at the car show. by that, it can be also seen as a safe place for her, a smile, a hi, she could justify as just part of her job?

I hear you that friendship would be good, id like to ask if you feel that the new friendship may also help in some way to alleviate current emotional upset, find closure too?

[Carguy]

Good evening Cromwell.

Yeah she works there so when I would go there I often would see her depending on where they placed her.

That is a good question but her greeting people doesn't carry any weight when it comes to me. Anytime I have walked in and she is greeting she would look down or the other way making it obvious she was ignoring me and would say nothing. I said hi or hey and still nothing. I went through her check out once and she looked very angry and said nothing. When I left I told her to have a good day and she said nothing and continued looking angry. Another time I was in her department and asked where something was and she got angry and just pointed. It was 4 or 5 aisles over and halfway down but she didn't tell me anything. Just pointed angry like. Honestly if she treated another customer that way they probably would have complained. The last time I interacted with her I was walking out of the store and she was by the doors moving the row of shopping carts. I told her when she wanted her kitties to let me know (was never clear if I was still just holding them or taking back ownership of them) and she almost yelled very angry at me "I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THEM!"

Her job seems to have little bearing on how she acts towards me.

The friendship would surely help alleviate some of the current hurt and upset I feel. Not all of it though. I felt like she was the one, someone I would marry and spend my life with. We almost married several times. Losing that vision of a future with her will hurt for some time even with friendship. It would help with some closure though.

[Carguy]

Hey Cromwell,

So the guy she was flaunting at the car show, I think she may be seeing him.

Everything I have read says that while she is seeing him she will split him white and still split me black. From what I have read, I will have no chance at repairing anything even on a friendship level as long as she is with him.

I have also read that it won't last and she will do the same thing to him. From the past relationships of hers that I know of, this likely will happen. Her first marriage I think only lasted 7 months. Her second marriage lasted five years but he was in the military and overseas most of the time. She even told me that it was easier when he was gone because she didn't have to deal with all that stuff. I know of two boyfriends that only lasted a month, one best friend the lasted seven or eight months, and another best friend maybe that long too.

 In the four years we were together, one time when we are apart she started seeing another guy and that didn't last long before we were back together, then we went apart several months later and he was back in the picture for a month or so before we were back together again. Another time she said she want to start seeing somebody else and that never got off the ground before she got angry at him because he wasn't responding to her text right away or acting like he was interested.

Like Building said earlier, there could already be problems in the relationship for all I know if she's trying to flaunt him to make me jealous. Maybe trying to get me to chase her to keep me lined up when things go wrong with him. She may already be fearing abandonment. The therapist I talked to online said it is definitely an attempt to draw me back in. It is kind of confusing. She is cold and angry towards me but is trying to draw me back in?

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. I still think that what you said about being cool and not pushing anything is a good idea. I think I will still stick to going shopping at Walmart every few weeks and if I do see her I will be cordial. Not try to talk to her about anything or reach out because that has not gone well in the past

[Cromwell]

Hey CarGuy. good to hear from you.

Her job seems to have little bearing on how she acts towards me.

yes could be its tricky to guage, depends how good she is at self control emotion whilst at work.

I often had thoughts when I passed my ex work if I should go in, I was close to doing so sometimes, I got the thought "why should I not, just because she works there", but im not sure, something stopped me and it is a different strand of conciousness than just a thought that told me not to.

thanks and hope you are keeping well.

[Carguy]

Cromwell,

I did that too on the past and went in.  Then my friend suggested I stay away for a month and I did before I went back in. Then my therapist suggested a few more months and I did. I used to never shop at the other grocery store but now I've gotten to the point that I will do a lot of my smaller shopping there and limit how much I go into Walmart.

As far as her seeing this other guy, I will keep my distance and when I do go in to shop I will just give her a hey or see ya and nothing more if she looks at me. Just simple acknowledgment and being cordial.

I do recall a year ago when she pushed me away and broke up with me and then decided she wanted to see another guy. We didn't talk for 6 weeks and then we started talking. She was upset with the other guy because it never got off the ground. He wouldn't respond to her text right away, sometimes up to day or two, and wasn't showing a lot of interest in her from what she told me. I was empathetic and told her I could understand her being upset and when we talked about it I told her there could be several reasons why he wasn't responding. A month or two later when we started getting close I remember she got upset for some reason and told me she believed I came back and tried to come between them. I used my empathetic tools I learned on here and told her I could understand how she would feel like that but reassured her that when we started talking about it I was trying to be empathetic and understanding of her and was trying really hard not to come between them because I didn't want to mess anything up with them.

I believe using the tools she actually listened to me and believed it. She only brought it up that one time and never brought it up again.

With that in mind, and the things I've read on here, I have to keep my distance because if it didn't work out between them and I was anywhere in the picture regardless if I did anything or not, it is very easy for her to blame me. I don't want that.

Thanks and I hope you are doing well too!

[grumpydonut]

Carguy.

Sorry if this has been answered elsewhere, but why do you want to be friends with this woman? Everything I've read has suggested that your life would be far better without her in it.

[Carguy]

Hey G.D.

Good question. I guess part of it is the fact that we have history. We dated for the last 4 years but have been friends for 15 years. I know there has been behaviour and actions by her that have been painful and unacceptable but in the same turn i realise she has a disorder so I try not to hold too much against her.

I also still have feelings for her. I really did think she was the one. We almost got married on several occasions. I'm trying to be cautious of those feelings. In the recent past I have reached out only to have her respond with anger and coldness. I'm catching myself now and refraining from doing that. When I do feel that I come on here. It helps a lot!

I also realize more and more that even though her bpd played a big part in all this, I brought quite a bit of my own stuff into this relationship too. There are things I could have done better.

I know that a relationship with this girl is likely not possible but I hate having all the coldness there too. We live in a small community so running into her is going to happen pretty often. I would like to reach a point where we could at least be cordial to each other and ask how each other has been. A friendship with her would likely be a more distant one.

[Cromwell]

Hi CarGuy

Hey Cromwell,

Like Building said earlier, there could already be problems in the relationship for all I know if she's trying to flaunt him to make me jealous. Maybe trying to get me to chase her to keep me lined up when things go wrong with him. She may already be fearing abandonment. The therapist I talked to online said it is definitely an attempt to draw me back in. It is kind of confusing. She is cold and angry towards me but is trying to draw me back in?

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this. I still think that what you said about being cool and not pushing anything is a good idea. I think I will still stick to going shopping at Walmart every few weeks and if I do see her I will be cordial. Not try to talk to her about anything or reach out because that has not gone well in the past

It sounds to me as a low-risk approach. I say low risk rather than zero risk. My thoughts are is that it offers more opportunity for closure than to just try to ignore her existence, an impossible feat but also in my view leaves you walking away from that store or the car show with this open-ended feature of the relationship. It interests me a lot from my own experience of being left with the feeling that "it somehow is not over", even with over 2 years of no contact, I might have done 'better' to have said at least goodbye if nothing more (or for her to do similar, whether in anger or otherwise). I dunno CarGuy, it just feels a bit strange to have had those feelings and a sort of soap opera style hanging cliff 'ending' to it.

I relate with you to the confusion and the hurt feelings, wishing you well and hope it works out.

[Carguy]

Thanks Cromwell!

I agree with you. I don't think I will continue to ignore her existence. To me that telegraphs that I am still hurt and angry at her. I think I will limit my trips to Wal-Mart and keep a low profile but when I do see her I will keep my head up, and if she looks at me I will be cordial, smile,  and say hi but not stare or anything like that. I will Telegraph confidence. How she chooses to respond is up to her. It may help with my closure knowing after all of this I was still decent and cordial.

Only time will tell how this goes but I hope for the best for both of us!

[grumpydonut]

Really tough situation. And I can relate to the feelings you have for her despite what she has done.

It must be extra tough since you two are in a small community with constant likelihood of bumping into each other.

[Carguy]

G.D.

It is a tough situation. Still having feelings for her but knowing I can't act upon them is hard. I know I have to guard my heart when I see her so that drives my anxiety crazy.

Since we are in a small community and will run into each other from time to time I think I will just smile and be positive when I see her. Maybe over time the coldness will subside so it's not so awkward when we do run into each other.